Actual Science, you know like Einstein did, sucks everytime.

April 26, 2013

An apple just fell on my head cuz gravity sucks, Arizona

Jenny From the Cell Block and Stabby decided to go out in style in matching black mourning ensembles While Alfred E. Nurmi was dressed to say hi to the devil when he gets back to where he’s from.

First up on the Juan train was the smoking hot Kevin Horn, Medical examiner/ underwear model.  Kevin explained that the gunshot wound that passed through Travis’ head, traveled through his brain turning it to pudding and would have incapacitated almost immediately, like within seconds.  Travis would not have been cognizant of his surroundings, and would not have been able to defend himself, ie those pesky defensive wounds on his hands as he fought off Norman Bates.  Unfortunately for Stabby, Travis did have extensive defensive wounds which kind of throws a fuck into the whole he attacked me because I dropped his camera and he was gonna kill me over a camera so I shot him first.  Dr Horn made for a very, very convincing witness and if nobody believes anything else in this theater of the completely absurd, they believe that Travis was not shot first.

Apparently Alfred E. Nurmi is grounded, which looks totally fine with Alfred and Jenny from the Cell Block took a run at Dr. Horn.  Jenny From the Cell Block and prom queen contender was kind enough to have admitted into evidence that Dr. Horn had performed over 6000 autopsies a great portion of which were gunshot wounds.  She made Dr. Horn sound like a defacto gunshot wound expert.  Jenny asked what the difference is between immediate and rapid death.  They seem fairly self explanatory to me, but hey, my IQ is only 187.  Not the stunning 119 of Ms Arias so what the fuck do I know.  Jenny next tried to impeach the good Dr’s testimony.  Silly Jenny.  Jenny tried tripping him up with a misstatement which he jumped on her pumpkin for immediately.  Jenny looked chagrined to say the least.  She pointed out that in his autopsy report that he said he could see no damage due to the decomposition.  She used one of her big words, but the Dr. retorted rather snappily that simple geometry tells him the bullet trajectory.   Jody did her patented pretend to cry behind a veil of hair so nobody can see she is actually snickering at her stabby greatness.  Jenny and the Dr. Continued to box but Jenny was on the ropes pretty quick.

Juan got up to clarify a few points and then the Jury was allowed to ask its questions.  Jodi stated she shot Travis in the middle of the bathroom would there not be blood in the middle of the bathroom.  Is it possible you could be wrong about the amount of time Travis was able to ambulate?  Resounding no.  Why do you think Travis was still alive when his throat was cut?  Because of the amount of hemorrhage.  How many times have you seen 25 caliber gunshot wounds?  several hundred times.  Redirect by Juan just confirming what he’d already established.   Jenny got up for one last go.  She is a trooper that one.  She tried to muddy the waters a little bit, but it turned into a big bunch of nothing.

Shockingly, at the end of rebuttal, Nurmi did not immediately disappear in a cloud of brimstone and fire.

one Sur rebuttal witness on Wednesday and then closing arguments.  I can’t wait for closing arguments.

********BREAKING NEWS*********  Juror number 8 has been dismissed.  And then there were 15.

Stab a fork in it, I Believe it’s Done…..

April 26, 2013

The campfire outside my trailer, Arizona

Scout Master Stephens held a really really long meeting in chambers and nothing happened allllllllllllll day.  At somewhere around forever o’clock we finally got some court in.  As soon as I saw the look on Stabby, Jenny From the Cell Block and Alfred E. Nurmi’s faces I knew it was all over but the shouting.  Which is good because eventually Juan is going to lose his voice.

Even the vet looked more relaxed and his tranquilizer gun rested on the floor instead of having a bead on the pitbull as he prowled about the floor.

Juan Called a forensic phone data guy but didn’t feel a need to start to bark as has been his way through most of the trial.  I swear he even wagged his tail once when he thought nobody was looking.  First there was a blonde haired thing, then there was a brown haired thing, magically all just before she got to Travis’ house.  The forensic guy confirmed that the pictures  came off the Heliophone and were not transferred to the heliophone.  Alfred E. Nurmi got up and actually confirmed for the state that this was indeed the case, but in Alfred E’s defense, he boarded one of the life boats yesterday and he’s just phoning it in.

Stabby is looking a little um, sick, yes sick seems to be he word that comes to mind, but I’d be feeling a little ill too if the realization that I was NOT going to pretty my way out of the death penalty had suddenly reared up and bit me in the ass.

Jenny from the Cell Block is still writing frantically either to steady herself or because she’s going down with the ship dammit.

Esteban Flores was the next witness on the “I really really want this bitch to go down” rebuttal list produced by the pitbull.  Esteban has been the co-conductor and chief dog handler on this ship of insanity.  Before we get to his testimony lets take a moment and talk about modular furniture.  Now kids, today’s lesson is, if you have to put it together yourself, most 5 year olds could do it and it is meant to be more esthetically pleasing than functional.  So, please remember, if you are planning on killing someone, never and I mean never keep the gun that doesn’t exist on the top shelf which is seven feet in the air.  You are going to have to explain at some point how you got the gun that was never there down from the shelf that was seven feet in the air and the natural believable lie would be to say you stood on one of the modular shelf that rest on four pins and the shelf is gonna tip.  Cause and effect kids.  Dig it, it’s a real thing. Einstein would tell you that physics are definitely real.   Anyway, you would not be able to get the gun that does not exist down because the shelf is gonna tip and dump you right on your blood soaked lying ass.  And then instead of inflicting a couple of more stab wounds you are going to have to waste valuable murdering time putting the shelf back and putting all the shit that was on the shelf back on it.  IKEA and wanna be stabbies can thank me later.

Detective Flores described in stunning detail, heights, widths, dimensions, and exactly what happens when one steps up on modular furniture being held up by for aluminum pins.  OMG the shelf tips, said absolutely no one EVER, except for Stabby the brown haired thing, who looked totally gobsmacked that her Einstein like mind had not thought of this.  Alfred E. came up to the plate and lobbed a ball across the plate.  Did you measure this part he asked in his most serious “god I’m so bored I want this to be over, to much work walking up to the podium” voice.  Flores lined up the ball and whacked it out of the park and somewhere into the building next door with a succinct no that wasn’t necessary and a look which clearly said, “dude, I think your drunk”. Alfred E got all snarky for a moment and pulling a page from the earlier mentioned “How to maul someone on the witness stand”  barked, “Did I ask you if it was necessary.”  Esteban actually giggled a little before he said um, no.  Esteban then answered actually reasonable questions from the jury.  Was a gun, bullets, holster, gun cleaning kit, a shoe box that could hold a gun, the outline of a gun in dust, gun residue, a receipt for a gun, or even a picture of a gun found in travis’ house.  No said Detective Flores as the defense started to quietly weep and take bong hits when no one was looking.  If stabby lifted her arms would she be able to reach to the top of the shelf to get the invisible gun.  No.  Alfred E. still working from Juan’s playbook tried the snark attack again and Flores shot him down with a quick, dude, are you high.  And with that detective Flores left the stand.

Stabby Arias and the Funky Bunch: We Have Gas.

April 25, 2013

Exxon Valdez,   Arizona

Captain Stephens has reported to the Bridge and calls the jury to the deck.  Aaaaaand we immediately have a side bar.  Wonder what they serve there?  Must be good because the lawyers are up there an awful lot.  Stabby, the brown haired thing watched in almost complete oblivion to the sidebar.

There was a sudden thunk and we all realized that Captain Stephens had the vet dart Juan once again.  These must have been heavier calming meds because Juan seemed almost like a domesticated pit bull today.  Juan stood up and called his first witness.   Jacob Mefford.  Stabby suddenly took notice.  Lets hear from our in house psychic to see what she was thinking.  (damn, you’re hot, I’d totally do you.  Lie for me and I will be your 3 hole wonder.  Do it baby, you know you want me.) Thank you in house psychic.  Excuse me while I wash my eyeballs out with bleach for that come hither stare Stabby just gave Jacob and I’ll continue.  Aaaand we’re back.   An exhibit has been entered into evidence after yet another sidebar, it is a video of  Travis  with what appears to be a blonde thing on his lap.  Oh Juan you make me giggle.   who’s a good boy?  Juan is.  Yes he is.  SQUEEEEEEE

Stabby is still grounded from her crayons so she is pretending to pretend to cry.  Alfred E Nurmi is up to bat for team Stabby and the funky bunch.  Alfred E. was quite useless but at least he came out of his FOG long enough to remember he’s working ovah heah.

No jury questions for Jacob, who looked relieved to be off the stand.

Juan next called Amanda Webb.  She works at Wal-Mart.  Miss Webb is an asset protection manager.  It was at that moment that many started to notice an odor emanating from the defense side of the courtroom.  We are being rather gently for Juan,  walked through how returns are done at Wal-Mart.  Juan seems to be getting a little fired up, I wonder if the drugs are starting to fail.  At this point there is no foaming at the mouth.  The vet looked nervous.  Much harder to dart a moving Juan.  The smell ramped up a little bit when exhibit number 634 was brought out.  Juan started his patented pitbull pace as we went over 634.  Skew numbers were bantered about.  Stabby the brown haired thing looked like she was starting to hyperventilate so someone gave her crayons back.  She calmed immediately as she stared at all the pretty colors.  Stabby the brown haired thing immediately started scribbling notes to Jenny from the cell block.  When Stabby and the Funky bunch realized exactly what exhibit 634 was, which was exactly 3.7 seconds before Juan asked it be entered into evidence,  Alfred E. Nurmi was heard to mutter under his breath.  “They can do that?”” Did anybody here know that they can do that?”  Then Alfred E. Nurmi requested sidebar number 87965455675667787 or so.  Stabby and the Funky bunch definitely are not digging this little (actually if voluminous) exhibit being entered into evidence.  It was admitted into evidence to the shock of absolutely no one.

As Juan led his witness through the Wal-Mart report volume whatever, Stabby and the Funky bunch started to look decidedly unwell.  By the time he got to terminal 93, Stabby was starting to look a little terminal herself.  Alfred E. Nurmi gathered himself for a moment and after taking a masterful breath uttered the happiest words of the entire trial.  “No Questions Your Honor” Amanda was released from the stand after Alfred E. reiterated that he had no questions of this witness.

Chelsey Young was next on the Juan Martinez rebuttal train.  Chelsey looks like a body builder but works for Tossoro which is an oil company.  At that very moment the gallery gasps as they realized what the smell that had been getting worse every second was.    Everyone in attendance and even many people standing outside the immediate area stated in unison, “Good Gawd, they’ve got GAS!”  Juan shook his muzzle as if overpowered by the fumes for a moment but he shook it off and attack er started to examine his next rebuttal witness.  Juan was very agitated during this part of his rebuttal and the vet quietly loaded up another dart just to be on the safe side.

Next up the pit bull called on Deanna Reid.  She was truly a  lovely woman and I am actually mortified at what she was put through not by Juan (I know right) but the pathetic excuse for a human being that is Alfred E. Nurmi.  I do not have any amusing anecdotes here, I feel that the defense treated this woman very poorly.  Juan was on fire during  redirect, he was absolutely frothing at the mouth and the vet could not safely get a shot off.  He paced like a caged lion as he fired rebuttal questions at Deanna.  He confirmed for all time that Travis was at no time ever during their entire relationship abusive in any way towards her.   The rage on his face was absolutely palpable.  I was every bit as enraged as he was.  Deanna was asked one juror question and was excused from the stand.

By this time the smell of gas was starting to wan but everyone got the point.  Juan Martinez proved beyond any doubt that Stabby the brown haired thing definitely premeditated the entire thing.

Captain Stephens was getting tired of steering this ship and probably getting drunk from all the sidebars, but Juan was hot and called another witness. last witness of the day was the forensic computer examiner who explained to the surprise of absolutely no one that that there was no porn child or otherwise on Travis’ Computer.

With that Captain Stephens officially announced the ship was going down and the band started to play as the jurors made their way to the life boats.

SInce there is no court today….Here is a list of Random Things that Actually Exist

April 22, 2013

The Mannequin Bong

for the forever alone stoner!

The Eyebrow situation on Karl Lagerfeld.

I suddenly get it why the magical unicorn that is Karl is never parted from his shades.  Inside, outside, side to side, the man wears shades.  I’m slightly frightened the right eyebrow may have them wrapped in a web somewhere for later consumption.

The Fuck you Shoe. 

Ladies, we all know perfectly well that high heels were designed by some sadistic fucking man.  these say fuck your feet a million times better.

The SnowMiser from everyone’s favorite holiday special.

Sing it with me……She’s Mr. Snow Miser, She’s Mr. Snow, she’s Mr Snow Miser, she’s Mr 10 below.


Because why not.  They just follow each other around all day with no idea why.

Lunch meat Clowns


Because your parents really ARE trying to kill you.

The dog Fanny Pack


specifically designed for Jodi Arias to carry around Jenny from the cell block when she goes into attack mode at the site of any pitbull named Juan

Blood Spatter Wallpaper


Specifically designed for Jodi Arias to decorate her death row cell with.  Ahh the memories.


axl rose 2013

Yup, we didn’t all have a collective hallucination. Here is proof that Axl Rose Actually exists.  It’s almost like finding big-foot.   Just on the off-chance; um Axl, as a fellow Agoraphobe, dude I get it that we don’t go outside for sometimes weeks at a time but there is a dress code DAMMIT!!

Court resumes tomorrow at 9:30 am Arizona time which is Lets fuck with everyone o’clock around the rest of the world.

Stabby Arias, Jenny From the Cell Block, and Alfred E. Nurmi Present: The Horrible Terrible Very Bad Day

April 21, 2013

Thunderdome Arizona

Taking a page directly from the Juan Martinez handbook entitled how to maul someone to death on a witness stand, Jenny from the Cell block tried to sound more like her secret idol “the pitbull Martinez” and less like the little yappy chihuahua that she is.  Right out of the gate both Stabby and Alfred E. Nurmi looked concerned that Jenny had somehow contracted the same strain of rabies that has had Juan foaming at the mouth for months.  The vet now kept on hand to dart Juan if necessary was not required however, as Dr Demarte told the court that while her PhD was in Psych she also had a dog handling degree.

One court observer volunteered that the exhibition of the Dr’s dog handling abilities were phenomenal.  “Honestly, I thought Jenny was going to lunge a couple of times” quipped the onlooker, “but each time she went into attack mode, the Dr calmly smacked her on the snout with a rolled up exhibit 445 and sternly said, no, bad dog, that is NOT what I said.”  Jenny from the cell block tried yapping faster and louder but the unruffled Dr continued with the negative reinforcement until with a final exhausted yap, Jenny was told to sit and with a confused cock of her head she did.

Someone took away Stabby’s crayons and she was forced to watch as her cutesy wootsey little pocket dog lost it’s mind.

Alfred E. Nurmi spent a great deal of the morning of the horrible terrible very bad day switching between sucking his thumb for comfort and trying to keep all five of his necks covered in case either one of the rabid dogs in the courtroom went for the throat.  When Jenny performed her newly learned sit behavior he almost hugged himself until he realized she was snapping in the air for a treat not for his neck.

The Vet was then given a signal from the bench By Auntie Entity, and Juan was darted without incident before re-rebuttal was started.  The calming drugs quickly took effect and while Juan still paced menacingly at times he never got much above a snarl during this part of his examination.  Who’s a good boy?  Who isssss?  Squeeeeeeee.

Next up to bat was the jury.  Some of the questions:

Juror Questions :

1. Are you single?

2.Can I have your number?

3.Hey.  How YOU doin?

4. Hypothetically, if a tree falls in  the forest and Stabby is in Arizona almost decapitating someone, does the tree make any noise?

5. If a person got attacked by a bear and she killed the bear, but then she said she was never there, and then she went on tv and said two ninja’s killed the bear, and then told the cops she killed the bear because the bear was abusing her what is the relevance of 3.14x r squared?

6. In theory if someone COULD roll over in their grave, would Einstein be doing it right now?

7. Wait, doesn’t everyone who gets blood on their hands kill someone?

8. In the interview Jodi gave where she stated, “Mark my words, no Jury will ever convict me,” do you feel that this narcissistic bitch thinks she is going to get a movie deal out of this?

9. Do you consider Jodi stabbing, shooting, and slitting Travis’ throat to be a traumatic event……….for Travis?

10. Regarding the PDS answer sheet [exhibit #555] do you know which lying for money psychologist’s  handwriting is on the PDS answer sheet?

10:  Does it cause any concern for you, regarding the validity of the test, that Stabby probably blew whomever answered as they appear to be answered by someone who is familiar with psychological verbiage and not in layman’s verbiage?

11. No, really, can I have your number?

With that Auntie Entity closed court until Tuesday.

Stabby Arias and Alyce in Blunderland

April 17, 2013

I have been watching with bated breath the trial of Stabby Arias since the beginning.  I tuned in for opening statements.  I watched Stabby flick her hair, check her makeup and vogue for the camera on 48 hours where she declared that no jury would convict her of stabbing, shooting and almost decapitating her ex boyfriend because she was butthurt that he dumped her. 

Her first story was that she was never there.  By the time she got to 48 hours it was two ninjas that killed poor Travis and they would have killed her too except god reached down and misfired the gun that had just shot Travis.  Then the male ninja grabbed her wallet and looked at her license and said he knew where she lived so she better just be quiet or the ninjas would get her. 

Then, once Stabby Einstein figured out that the ninja story was not gonna fly, she decided that she and Travis had gotten into a life and death struggle and Travis lost.  And that’s what we’ve been going with ever since. 

Now, as anyone with a functioning frontal lobe knows, abuse is the fallback position for a lot of murder trials.  And we all know that somewhere out there, there will always be someone willing to say whatever the fuck you want them too for money.  Lots of money.  Buckets full of money.  Furnished by the awesome folks of Arizona.  Just a side note, they must be pissed considering stabby doesn’t even live there, she traveled several hundred miles to murder Travis in their jurisdiction. 

Enter Alyce LaViolette, or as I like to refer to her Alyce in Blunderland.  Now, I don’t personally know Alyce.  But I know women just like Alyce.  Alyce is a man hater who thinks that anything with a penis is definitely the root of all evil and to blame for everything.  Even having their own heads almost cut completely off.  29 stab wounds.  Prick probably deserved it.  He did after all call Stabby mean names.  Now Alyce is completely convinced that Stabby is an abuse victim.  Because calling someone names (allegedly) and getting a little shovey (allegedly) is ABUSE dammit.  Only if it’s the guy doing it though. 

Alyce actually believes that snow white, you know the CARTOON CHARACTER is an abuse victim.  Poor snow white.  Poor poor snow white.  I’m totally amazed she didn’t climb the nearest clock tower and take out all seven abusive damn dwarfs.  Fuckers. 

While we are in Blunderland, let me introduce you to tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber, or Willmott and Nurmi.  I should invent a drinking game where every time defense council says um, you take a shot.  I’d be drunk in under 10 minutes.  She and her stabby twin are even coordinating outfits now.  It’s soooo cute.  Squeeeeee. 

Tweedle dumber has requested more mistrials than any one in the history of earth ever.  I lost count truthfully.  I think we are up to like 9.  Because the prosecutor is just a bad bad man and they don’t like the way he is talking all mean to their witnesses and stuff. 

Defense rested yesterday and a collective sigh of relief was heard around the world.  Hopefully rebuttal will be brief, to the point and Juan the pitbull Martinez can keep from biting any witnesses during rebuttal. 

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