I have been watching with bated breath the trial of Stabby Arias since the beginning. I tuned in for opening statements. I watched Stabby flick her hair, check her makeup and vogue for the camera on 48 hours where she declared that no jury would convict her of stabbing, shooting and almost decapitating her ex boyfriend because she was butthurt that he dumped her.
Her first story was that she was never there. By the time she got to 48 hours it was two ninjas that killed poor Travis and they would have killed her too except god reached down and misfired the gun that had just shot Travis. Then the male ninja grabbed her wallet and looked at her license and said he knew where she lived so she better just be quiet or the ninjas would get her.
Then, once Stabby Einstein figured out that the ninja story was not gonna fly, she decided that she and Travis had gotten into a life and death struggle and Travis lost. And that’s what we’ve been going with ever since.
Now, as anyone with a functioning frontal lobe knows, abuse is the fallback position for a lot of murder trials. And we all know that somewhere out there, there will always be someone willing to say whatever the fuck you want them too for money. Lots of money. Buckets full of money. Furnished by the awesome folks of Arizona. Just a side note, they must be pissed considering stabby doesn’t even live there, she traveled several hundred miles to murder Travis in their jurisdiction.
Enter Alyce LaViolette, or as I like to refer to her Alyce in Blunderland. Now, I don’t personally know Alyce. But I know women just like Alyce. Alyce is a man hater who thinks that anything with a penis is definitely the root of all evil and to blame for everything. Even having their own heads almost cut completely off. 29 stab wounds. Prick probably deserved it. He did after all call Stabby mean names. Now Alyce is completely convinced that Stabby is an abuse victim. Because calling someone names (allegedly) and getting a little shovey (allegedly) is ABUSE dammit. Only if it’s the guy doing it though.
Alyce actually believes that snow white, you know the CARTOON CHARACTER is an abuse victim. Poor snow white. Poor poor snow white. I’m totally amazed she didn’t climb the nearest clock tower and take out all seven abusive damn dwarfs. Fuckers.
While we are in Blunderland, let me introduce you to tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber, or Willmott and Nurmi. I should invent a drinking game where every time defense council says um, you take a shot. I’d be drunk in under 10 minutes. She and her stabby twin are even coordinating outfits now. It’s soooo cute. Squeeeeee.
Tweedle dumber has requested more mistrials than any one in the history of earth ever. I lost count truthfully. I think we are up to like 9. Because the prosecutor is just a bad bad man and they don’t like the way he is talking all mean to their witnesses and stuff.
Defense rested yesterday and a collective sigh of relief was heard around the world. Hopefully rebuttal will be brief, to the point and Juan the pitbull Martinez can keep from biting any witnesses during rebuttal.