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Stabby Arias and the Funky Bunch: We Have Gas.

Exxon Valdez,   Arizona

Captain Stephens has reported to the Bridge and calls the jury to the deck.  Aaaaaand we immediately have a side bar.  Wonder what they serve there?  Must be good because the lawyers are up there an awful lot.  Stabby, the brown haired thing watched in almost complete oblivion to the sidebar.

There was a sudden thunk and we all realized that Captain Stephens had the vet dart Juan once again.  These must have been heavier calming meds because Juan seemed almost like a domesticated pit bull today.  Juan stood up and called his first witness.   Jacob Mefford.  Stabby suddenly took notice.  Lets hear from our in house psychic to see what she was thinking.  (damn, you’re hot, I’d totally do you.  Lie for me and I will be your 3 hole wonder.  Do it baby, you know you want me.) Thank you in house psychic.  Excuse me while I wash my eyeballs out with bleach for that come hither stare Stabby just gave Jacob and I’ll continue.  Aaaand we’re back.   An exhibit has been entered into evidence after yet another sidebar, it is a video of  Travis  with what appears to be a blonde thing on his lap.  Oh Juan you make me giggle.   who’s a good boy?  Juan is.  Yes he is.  SQUEEEEEEE

Stabby is still grounded from her crayons so she is pretending to pretend to cry.  Alfred E Nurmi is up to bat for team Stabby and the funky bunch.  Alfred E. was quite useless but at least he came out of his FOG long enough to remember he’s working ovah heah.

No jury questions for Jacob, who looked relieved to be off the stand.

Juan next called Amanda Webb.  She works at Wal-Mart.  Miss Webb is an asset protection manager.  It was at that moment that many started to notice an odor emanating from the defense side of the courtroom.  We are being rather gently for Juan,  walked through how returns are done at Wal-Mart.  Juan seems to be getting a little fired up, I wonder if the drugs are starting to fail.  At this point there is no foaming at the mouth.  The vet looked nervous.  Much harder to dart a moving Juan.  The smell ramped up a little bit when exhibit number 634 was brought out.  Juan started his patented pitbull pace as we went over 634.  Skew numbers were bantered about.  Stabby the brown haired thing looked like she was starting to hyperventilate so someone gave her crayons back.  She calmed immediately as she stared at all the pretty colors.  Stabby the brown haired thing immediately started scribbling notes to Jenny from the cell block.  When Stabby and the Funky bunch realized exactly what exhibit 634 was, which was exactly 3.7 seconds before Juan asked it be entered into evidence,  Alfred E. Nurmi was heard to mutter under his breath.  “They can do that?”” Did anybody here know that they can do that?”  Then Alfred E. Nurmi requested sidebar number 87965455675667787 or so.  Stabby and the Funky bunch definitely are not digging this little (actually if voluminous) exhibit being entered into evidence.  It was admitted into evidence to the shock of absolutely no one.

As Juan led his witness through the Wal-Mart report volume whatever, Stabby and the Funky bunch started to look decidedly unwell.  By the time he got to terminal 93, Stabby was starting to look a little terminal herself.  Alfred E. Nurmi gathered himself for a moment and after taking a masterful breath uttered the happiest words of the entire trial.  “No Questions Your Honor” Amanda was released from the stand after Alfred E. reiterated that he had no questions of this witness.

Chelsey Young was next on the Juan Martinez rebuttal train.  Chelsey looks like a body builder but works for Tossoro which is an oil company.  At that very moment the gallery gasps as they realized what the smell that had been getting worse every second was.    Everyone in attendance and even many people standing outside the immediate area stated in unison, “Good Gawd, they’ve got GAS!”  Juan shook his muzzle as if overpowered by the fumes for a moment but he shook it off and attack er started to examine his next rebuttal witness.  Juan was very agitated during this part of his rebuttal and the vet quietly loaded up another dart just to be on the safe side.

Next up the pit bull called on Deanna Reid.  She was truly a  lovely woman and I am actually mortified at what she was put through not by Juan (I know right) but the pathetic excuse for a human being that is Alfred E. Nurmi.  I do not have any amusing anecdotes here, I feel that the defense treated this woman very poorly.  Juan was on fire during  redirect, he was absolutely frothing at the mouth and the vet could not safely get a shot off.  He paced like a caged lion as he fired rebuttal questions at Deanna.  He confirmed for all time that Travis was at no time ever during their entire relationship abusive in any way towards her.   The rage on his face was absolutely palpable.  I was every bit as enraged as he was.  Deanna was asked one juror question and was excused from the stand.

By this time the smell of gas was starting to wan but everyone got the point.  Juan Martinez proved beyond any doubt that Stabby the brown haired thing definitely premeditated the entire thing.

Captain Stephens was getting tired of steering this ship and probably getting drunk from all the sidebars, but Juan was hot and called another witness. last witness of the day was the forensic computer examiner who explained to the surprise of absolutely no one that that there was no porn child or otherwise on Travis’ Computer.

With that Captain Stephens officially announced the ship was going down and the band started to play as the jurors made their way to the life boats.

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