This Post is Brought to you by Stabby’s Pencil.

May 31, 2013

Oh, the things that bitch has made me write – Arizona

We have a guest writer today everybody.  Please give a warm welcome (and possibly a hug) to STABBY’S PENCIL.   As we all know, Stabby’s Pencil was on the front line during the entire trial, putting up with such indignities as being death gripped by Stabby, being held in Stabby’s disgusting mouth (hope ya got shots for that pencil) being subjected to the tracings of Stabby, and worst of all, having to take all of Stabby’s notes.  We all feel your pain pencil and we have been absolutely dying to hear what you have to say.  Please if you would, regale us with tales from the defense.

Hello everyone.  First, I’d like to thank you for inviting me here.  I’ve been waiting for such a long time to share the horror that was my existence for all those months.  I suppose I should begin at the beginning.  I was chosen from a pool of court appointed pencils to be used by Stabby in case she wanted to take notes at the trial.  Luckily for all of us, I have perfect recall, something incredibly rare for a pencil so I can tell you every single thing that Stabby wrote during the trial.  She was a total ingrate when it came to thanking me for a job well done, she’s a biter and she has bad breath as well as bad penmanship.  I seem to be getting off topic, so here are some of the things that Stabby had to write while the trial was going on as well as some of my own thoughts which will be in italics.

Trial Day 1 – This is the pencil I get? I can’t even have a full-sized pencil?  Seriously Jenny, get me a fucking full-sized pencil.  I don’t have stubby little arms like the baby Tyrannosaurus on the prosecutors side, I need an adult sized pencil.  What do you mean shut up and pay attention?  You shut up and pay attention.  I’ve been on TV.  I’m Stabby Arias Bitch.


Trial Day 3- OMG Jens, who is the hot guy on the stand.  Dr Horne?  I bet I could make him Dr Horny.  He’s here for what now?  Pffffft.  Fuck forensics, I told you guys I cleaned up.   Oh, excuse me for interrupting you while you listen to Dr underwear model talk.  Is this important somehow?  They aren’t talking about me so how could this possibly be important?  How does my hair look?  Jenny?  Jenny?  Jenny?  Stop ignoring me, I will just keep shoving notes in your face.  (then the bitch put me in her dirty disgusting mouth and bit me, hard.)

Trial Day 4-  I traced a Dior ad.

Trial Day 5 – Jenny pass this over to Nurmi.  Hey Nurmi, I think you have some egg on your tie.  You might want to lick it off or something, it’s kind of gross much like you.  Well fuck you too.  I don’t like you either, and I’m the star here so suck it.

Trial Day 7- sidebar with Nurmi’s chair.  I haven’t quite got all the details of our escape figured out yet chair, but when I roll off of the table that is the signal to go. 

Trial day 8- Dear Diary.  I think they must be serving actual booze at the sidebar because my fucktard lawyers are up there, A LOT.  I thought Nurmi was supposed to be a sex crimes specialist.  I personally think he specializes in representing the fucking Hamburgler or the burger king or some shit.  And Jenny thinks she’s so hot.  I am so much hotter than that bitch.  I could do a better job too.  Objection.  I can say objection.  I fucking object to being subjected to this.  Fucking peons.  I’ve totally got the Jury foreman though.  He’s old enough to be my grandpa, but he totally wants to check out all three of my holes of wonder.  Oh yeah, I’m getting off.  No really, thinking about what I did to Travis is getting me off.  Shit, here they come, gotta hide you and go back to doodling.

Trial Day 9- Of all the child molesting, murdering, drug cartel running, dog killing fuckers out there, I had to get this gig.  I wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this bitch?  

Jenny, please explain to me why exactly things are not going well at this point?  I have a what?  A migraine.  Yes as a matter of fact I do have a migraine.  Seriously I can get court cancelled for that.  Cool.  Can I have one tomorrow too?  Oh I have to save them for special occasions.  Ok.  Tell Nurmi to NOT stop at taco bell on the way home.  Jesus he’s getting bigger every time I see him.  What do you mean stress eating?  What the fuck is there to be stressed about.  I told you I’ve got this.  Juror 18 is eating out of the…..nevermind, just tell him to relax before he explodes or some shit.

Trial Day 10- I traced an ad.  Then I made pictures of the prosecutor with a knife sticking out of his back and a bullet hole in his head.  About 27 times. 

Trial Day 11- Jenny please have that asshole fucking prosecutor removed.  What do you mean you can’t.  I said do it.  I don’t like him.  He’s like a tiny little rabid dog.  I’m still pissed off he wouldn’t let me introduce my totally forged letters saying Travis was a perv.  So fucking what if I made them up?  They were perfectly good forgeries and I think they should be admitted.  Come to think of it, that Judge is a bitch for not letting them in too.  Have her removed as well.  Because I am the queen of the universe and I demand it, that’s why.  Are you slow or something?  You can read, yes? Se Habla Espanol? Me either, but I bet you $100 I can make them believe I can.  Come on, bet me.  It will be fun.

Well everyone, that’s all I have to write for tonight.  My lead is getting dull and much like Kelly I feel a sudden need for Gravol.  I think she can grind it up and just soak me in it.  I’ve been invited back and am allowed to bring along my friends Nurmi’s Chair, and Stabby’s Bangs.  Oh the tales they have to tell.  Hopefully they will join me next time.  Thank you for having me.

Thank you very much pencil, this has been most informative and I look forward to having you back in the near future.

Written by me with permission from Stabby’s Pencil.

This Blog is Brought to you by the in-house Psychic

May 29, 2013

I’m going to need therapy when this is over – Arizona

Hi everybody.  It’s me, the much put upon by my boss in-house Psychic.  According to Kelly, everybody on the internet absolutely needs to know what Stabby is thinking at this particular moment and who gets volunteered for service.  ME.   I really need to quit this gig and go get a job cleaning septic systems or something.  Probably wouldn’t be as much shit at the end of the day.

Anyway, I am standing on the lawn of the Estrella jail for several  reasons.  Stabby is butt hurt that Kelly is a “hater”, Stabby is butt hurt that I didn’t bring a camera crew, and Stabby is Butt hurt because she’s not really allowed to do interviews right now.  That of course makes absolutely zero difference to me being that I’m Psychic and stuff.

This may take a few minutes, there are a lot of really pissed off women in this place and I can’t seem to zero in on the right frequency.  What I have gotten so far would make Stabby’s blood run cold man.  There is a LOT of Stabby hate going on behind these walls.

Okay, I think I have zeroed in.  Here we go.  OH MY GOD, could this place possibly suck any more?  How the hell could anybody decide that it was better for ME to be out of the limelight.  I belong in front of a camera.  I deserve a fucking academy award for that performance at my penalty phase trial.  I mean, seriously, at least a couple of those numb fucks bought it.  I totally knew I had the foreman.  I could tell by the way he was making goo goo eyes at me that he wanted me.  They ALL wanted me.  Except for the woman, and they would have if they could have stopped being so jealous of my greatness.  I cannot help it if I am a superior organism.  My Einstein like intellect makes everybody hot.  Especially me.  Gosh I love all the time I get to spend with myself.  I get to think about all of the great things that I can do like my art and my singing and I don’t have the annoyance of having to listen to other people talk about themselves.  I am so awesome.  I am totally still laughing about that whole starting a book club thing.  I just threw that in there at the last second and they totally bought it.  And locks of love, really?  Anyone with the sense god gave a tomato knows that I only love myself.  Now, if I could sell my hair that would be different.  Hey, maybe I’ll get Donaman to sell my hair.  Stupid cow.  She is so in love with me she doesn’t even care that I could totally be fucking up her parole.  Whatever, I’ll keep using her just like I use everyone else.  I’m hoping I can convince one of these guards to have sex with me so I can get knocked up.  Being pregnant would certainly put the spotlight back on me where  it is supposed to be.  I wonder what’s for lunch today.  GOD I hope they remembered my strawberry frapaccino.  These guards are terrible at taking orders.   I got a letter from Dior today.  Something about copyright infringement.  Well Dior, you can suck it.  Prove I  copied your ad.  I’ll just say you copied my artwork and then where will we be.  Haters.  They are all just jealous of my greatness.   I wonder if that nasty little prosecutor is going to retry my penalty phase?  God I hate him.  If he was an idiot he would be much more tolerable.  I wonder how my pencil is doing.  Someone probably stole it and sold it.  Willmott and Nurmi will be back.  I made them famous after all.   I don’t understand why they kept trying to bail on me.  Probably just part of the show.    I cannot believe how horny I am right now.  This whole not having sex a hundred times a day really blows.  I could suck a golf ball through a garden hose right now…

Ewwwwww.  Ok, that’s it for today.  This is the in-house Psychic reporting from the lawn of Estrella Jail.

The boss lady will be back tomorrow.  She’s doing research on some Sneiderman chick that she says I am just going to love.

While we Wait for Stabby to Get Settled

May 27, 2013

Holy Shit there’s another one – Georgia

While we wait for Stabby to acclimatize to life where there are no press conferences, let me introduce you to this little piece of Psycho.

Allow me to introduce you to Stabby’s long lost sister.  Her name is Andrea Sneiderman.  She is accused of having her boss, who she may or may not have been having an affair with, kill her husband.  She will be coming up for trial in July of this year.  I will be covering her trial, because with the amount of crazy ass that she is how could I not.  I will also continue to cover each and every Stabby update that is available.  Please watch the insanity and enjoy.  This is Psychosauce testifying at her bosses capital murder trial.  Enjoy.

The in-house Psychic will be going to the place holding Stabby to try and get a reading either today or tomorrow.

Have a great night everyone.

The Stabby Diaries Part Deux

May 25, 2013

I can totally make shit up too – Arizona

Today’s episode of the Stabby Diaries is brought to you by Gravol.

Special Thanks to Stabby’s Pencil for being such a trooper, Stabby’s diary for having to contain all this nonsense, Stabby’s bangs for giving us a good laugh, Nurmi’s Chair for not spontaneously combusting, and Juan Martinez just because I love the little pit bull.

When we left off, it was Halloween 2008 and Stabby was going trick or treating pod to pod dressed as Norman Bates.

June 23, 2009 – Dear Diary,   OH.MY.GOD.  48 hours set up an interview with me.  I did it today.  I was sooooo fucking awesome.  And pretty.  So hot.  Since I have had so much time to think, I came up with a much better version of the “truth.”  NINJAS.  I know right, everybody loves a story with ninjas in it.  This one may get me that Emmy I so richly deserve.  So anyway, Home invading ninjas broke into Travis’ house to kill him, they were totally dressed in black with knit ski masks.  I chose the ski masks so they were more ninja like.  They had a knife and a gun, because that covers the knife and gun I brought with me, and I only lived because god reached down because I am such a good Mormon and misfired the gun.  Holy shit this stuff is gold.   They totally bought it.  And the part where I told them I bulldogged the woman so I could get to poor mortally wounded Travis, I almost cried I was so convincing.  Anyway, that explains why I’m not dead, how the knife and gun got there, and I look like a hero.  Yay me.  That should get me out of here.
Gonna go pack.  Later Diary.

December 2010 – Hey Diary.  Well, obviously that dumbass judge didn’t like my Ninja story because I am still here.  Whatevs, I am having a great time.  Everyone here really likes me.  They also realize that I am not only their intellectual superior, I am just superior.  I won Prison Idol today, much to the surprise of no one because I am just that good.  My pod mates and I all got a turkey dinner because I won.  I still haven’t figured out why I have to share my turkey.  Pffft, it’s Christmas, I guess I can be nice to these peons for at least one day.  Gotta go Diary, Mary just said something about carving that bitch up.  Turkey must be ready.  Later.

August 8, 2011.  You know what Diary?  I’m smarter than any lawyer I’ve ever met, so I’ve decided to represent myself.  I know I can do a better job than that asshole Nurmi.  Maybe if he fawned all over me like I’m used to, I’d let him still be my lawyer, but he won’t so he can suck it.  I will show him what no years of law school can do.  Judge Stephens says I can, but I have to keep Nurmi as advisory Council.  Fuck, I was hoping for a cuter and maybe more mailable assistant, but whatever.  I will just pretend he doesn’t exist.

August 16, 2011.  Dear Diary.  I am so pissed off I could refuse Anal right now.  How in the fuck am I supposed to defend myself when that stupid judge won’t let me admit evidence I fabricated.  I mean it’s not like it was a bad forgery.  Cripes it could totally be Travis’ hand writing.  This is all that nasty little prosecutors fault.  Hand writing experts.  Can he even DO that?  He’s just pissed because he knows he will never, ever get with this.  Yeah, that’s what it is.   And so what if this is story number three.  Nurmi assures me that self defense of nothing is a perfectly good defense as long as I can make enough shit up, and we both know I totally can.  God, that prosecutor is a dick.   Gotta go Diary, apparently my other advisory council is trying to bail.  Better write a motion or something.  Later.

While we Wait for the Stabby Verdict

May 23, 2013

OMFG can we just kill this bitch already – ARIZONA

Well everybody,  it has been another spectacular day of doing nothing except pacing, wringing my hands, cursing the television, having my in-house psychic hand me meds while saying “seriously dude, take them, holy fuck.” and jumping like I’ve been stabby’d every time I hear “BREAKING NEWS.  I also took a moment to pray that HLN get sucked into some portal where there are bombarded for eternity with commercials for catheters, sunscreens, and adult incontinence products.  If that happens somebody please email me k.  Thanks.

My in-house psychic spent the day getting readings on Jenny From the Cell Block and Alfred E. Nurmi.  She got something about not winning the beauty pageant from Jenny and Where is the nearest burger king from Nurmi.  I asked her to take a run at Juan the pit bull Martinez and she did.  She immediately fell into a feint.   After I tossed a bucket of water over her head and she woke up she told me it was a chant.  Kill the bitch, kill the bitch, kill the bitch, kill the bitch, kill the bitch.  Well, no surprise there.

Detective and pit bull wrangler extraordinaire Esteban Flores spent the day shopping for good boy treats and a new catch pole for Mr Martinez just in case they don’t get the verdict they want.

Juan spent a good portion of the day attacking the dummy with Stabby’s face stapled to it.  He also totally dismembered the Alfred E. Nurmi toy and needs a new one.

Judge Stephens hung out with Aerosmith and the Charlie Daniels Band.  They will both be closing once we get a verdict.

Stabby spent some of the day giggling with Jenny From the Cell Block and the rest of the day picking out the guards she is going to blow for fun later.

Court has been reconvened and we were all assembled to get a verdict of “we can’t reach a verdict.”   OH MY FUCKING GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME REALLY I’M SERIOUS I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANY MORE.  FUCK.

Juan looks like he now wants to kill the jury, stabby looks disappointed that she has to talk to another group of totally dumber than her Jurors, Jenny and Nurmi look pissed off and Judge Stephens looks like she wants to cry.

Did I mention I am so fucking mad I can’t see straight.  SERIOUSLY.

That’s it kids.  I’m out.  I will of course be back tomorrow, once I have sufficiently calmed down.  FUUUUUUUUCK!



Stabby Wants to live.

May 21, 2013

Really?  Said NO ONE ANYWHERE – Arizona

Wow.  I can’t believe after all this time, and all the pain that has been caused and all the bullshit we have all had to sit through we are almost at an end to the fuckery that is Stabby Einstein.

Jenny From the Cell Block found the bong and is taking the  close.   Apparently Alfred E. Nurmi is butthurt that all of his awesome mistrial motions have been denied and is working his way through an all you can eat buffet.  Jenny has obviously taken one too many bong hits today because she seems to be going on about what a wonderful (killed a guy in could blood with a knife AND a gun) human being Stabby is.  If it hadn’t been for all the mitigating factors that absolutely nobody would come and and talk about,she could have been a totally awesome human being…………WAIT, WHAT?  In-house Psychic, am I high?  No?  So, I really heard that then?  K Thanks.  Sorry.  Oh, now mother of Stabby is being dragged through the mud.  Apparently it is her parents fault she almost decapitated someone because her parents yelled at each other. So, wait.  We are supposed to spare her life because of her awesome family who Jenny now says abused her?  Seriously, I think I’m high.

Stabby has no shame.  Jenny just said that Stabby has very low self esteem and almost no ego.  And she said it without laughing.   sdshw4oyhethetjwerf……sorry my head hit the keyboard.  Wow, Jenny really, really wants that visit with Satan she’s been looking forward too because she is pulling out all the stops for this one.  Now it’s Travis’ fault he got himself stabbed 27 times, almost decapitated and shot because he told her she was the worst thing that ever happened to him. woehtfsonfsodlgfnmdr.….sorry, banged my head again.   Better go put on your traveling clothes Jenny, I think you are going straight to hell once this trial is over.

Stabby looks completely convinced she’s got this and Alfred E. Nurmi is taking bong hits every few minutes and pretending he is at an olive garden or something.

Jenny from the Cell Block appears to be wrapping it up, and Esteban Flores, Detective and dog handler extraordinaire is trying to get the catch pole and muzzle off of a completely seething pit bull.

Juan is absolutely frothing.  You can actually see the fury in his eyes.  I have to say Detective Flores looks almost as disgusted as the Juanderful Mr Martinez.  He has told them that Travis will forever be remembered as being 30.  Then of course he put up a picture of dead Travis and we have an objection.  Of course we do.  Overruled.  Juan is continuing to plow through the bullshit of the last half hour.  He is ripping apart every  mitigating factor that does not actually exist.  Hey, apparently Dr. Fog had a class on invisible mitigation factors right after the invisible gun class.  Wow, how very well rounded of him.    Juan has ripped down the hair, the art, Stabby’s age, now he is grabbing and shaking the pictures that stabby put up, telling them all of those experiences she will miss, he will never have again.

Nurmi’s chair can be heard begging for mercy since Nurmi is having a tantrum and refusing to get up.  His assistant is running burgers and pot to him.  I am also very frightened for Stabby’s pencil.  She is switching between scribbling hard enough to break the poor thing to clutching it with the obvious intent of plunging it directly into the pit bulls heart.

Bwahahahahaha.  Really Juan.  Adjusting someone would have made her a good friend, but according to her he’s full of crap.  OMFG that is possibly the most sarcastically amusing thing I have ever heard.

I believe Guinness has shown up to tape the world record for most objections in the history of EVER happening in Judge Stephens courtroom.

Jenny from the Cell Block will be yelling objection, mayweapproach as soon as she passes the bong back to Alfred E. Nurmi.  Aaaaand, she did.  Bitch!! She is totally just trying to knock Juan off of his game and we all know that is NOT gonna happen, so why bother.

Juan is back from the sidebar and he is more fired up then ever.  Stabby likes to play the victim.  There are no school reports of abuse, no police reports of the abuse….3,2,1 mayweapproach.  FUCK! They are up, they are back.  He is now barking again about abuse.  Travis’ abuse now.  There is no proof of any abuse from anyone.  EVER.  Now he is worrying the argument about points 5, 6 and 7.  They are successfully shredded.

Alfred E. Nurmi is now working his way thr0ugh the sundae bar portion of the buffet and Jenny from the Cell Block is back up.  The simple question before you is do you kill her……..FUCK YES.  Does she have value?  Now she is reiterating all the stuff that the pit bull said.  Jenny is being especially petulant.  She says that Stabby doesn’t feel entitled.  soldghaeothwoq454lxx .  I’m gonna need a Tylenol (now available in Stabby strength) after this.  Again with the lies?  Really Jenny, you really want to remind the jury of all the lies she’s told?  I personally wouldn’t have gone in that direction but hey, I’m not Einstein.  Oh good, she is once again going to throw the parents of stabby under the bus.  Stabby doesn’t like to play the victim?  Somebody slipped me a mickey didn’t they?

So, just to make sure we are all on the same page, you can commit any crime you want as long as you are artistically inclined, you have hair, you can read, and you pretend to have a fuck to give about anything that is socially relevant. All you special people don’t deserve the death penalty, no matter what you do.   Everybody clear?  Mmmmmkay.

Judge Stephens has for the last time charged the Jury and we are officially on verdict watch.

I’m Ready for my Close-up Mr Demille.

May 21, 2013

If this isn’t over today, I’M gonna pull a Stabby – Arizona. Kelly       OMFG MY BRAIN- Arizona.  In House Psychic.    PLEASE don’t ask for death, Please don’t ask for Death-Arizona.  SATAN

I swear I can hear the music from “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly in my head.  Someone, anyone, MAKE. IT. STOP!

Everyone seems to be in attendance for what I fervently hope is the very last stand of Stabby.  Jenny From the Cell Block and Alfred E. Nurmi seem to have the exact same fuck my life looks on their faces.  It’s sooooo cute.  I think they may have miss-placed the bong because they are looking like they are in attendance at their own funeral.

Stabby is dressed in her best mourning ensemble so she is comfortable as she bends over and kisses her ass goodbye.

There is currently an ex-parte (out of the presence of the prosecutor) hearing going on.  I have a theory that Stabby is planning to stand up and ask for the death penalty in hopes that reverse psychology works.  Either that or she is planning a rest of her life statement and they are currently moving the contents of all the jurors houses to the Maricopa county courthouse.  Nothing would surprise me at this point.

Now Stabby is in the courtroom and all the attorneys are in chambers.  Jesus Fuck exactly how long can one stall court proceedings.  Can she just do this till she dies of old age?  Any bets on whether she tries?

The vet took one look at Juan and said “screw this I’m out” picked up his dart gun left the building.

Esteban Flores looks concerned about the mental state of the mighty pit bull.  He has pulled out a packing case of good boy treats and is trying to distract Juan with his favorite chew toy.  Hey, how did they get someone to make a squeaky Nurmi toy?  Awwww, they are playing tug of war with it right now.

And Stabby is taking the podium.  She is talking about the things she can do to better PRISON society.   OMG A book club? Recycling?  Survivor T-Shirts?  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  How about ladies that lunch and the Jeffrey Dahmer School of Culinary Arts?  She has managed to not only NOT apologize to anyone, she of course has turned it around so it is allllllll about her.  She might as well be standing up in front of City Council asking for a zoning variance.  And there are pictures.  Yay.  Pictures of the narcissist when she was little, pictures of the narcissist when she was a teenager, pictures of the narcissist when she was a young adult, pictures of the narcissist with her boyfriend, pictures of the family.  I wonder how that one got in there?  Pictures of the narcissist just posing cuz she’s gorgeous.  OK, I gotta go take a Gravol.  Take it away in-house Psychic.

Do I have too?  Why can’t you just keep typing?    *Sigh*  Hey everyone, it’s me the in-house Psychic.  While Kelly is out taking a Gravol I will try to get a reading on the Stabby one.Wow, that was just like the Oscars I bet.  Except without the statue.  I wonder if Jenny from the Cell Block made me a Statue.   I deserve a statue!!   OMG that was soooooo fun.  Look at all the jurors looking at me.  I was totally awesome.  My hair looks amazing.  I look so hot.  I told Jenny I wanted the fucking ball gown, and I was totally right.  God why won’t these idiots just bow down to my amazing 119.  I wonder if they bought that shit about actually feeling bad for the family?  Of course they did.  I am Jodi Arias.  I am a one hundred percent believable psychopath.  I AM THAT GOOD.  In every way possible.  Hahahaha.  I am totally going to get to live.  I think they will overturn the verdict and let me go.  I will then immediately get that two movie deal I am negotiating and I will guest star as myself on Law and Order-Stabby Intent. My book will then come out and I will be a billionaire.   God I am so smart.  I can see that the jurors haven’t yet realized I trace all of my lovely “works of art”.  They can see how talented I am.  And pretty.……………….

Ahhhh that’s it, I’m out.  Kelly, I am fairly positive I am going to vomit, so pass the Gravol and take your stupid blog back .  Fucking job!!

Uh, thank you in-house Psychic.  Wow.  Someone obviously has not yet received the memo on the devastation they have brought down on so many lives.  Once again, everything is all about her.  She hasn’t met her niece, she won’t be able to go to her sisters wedding.  Bitch you slaughtered a human being, what the fuck are you talking about?   Don’t kill me because of me, don’t kill me because of them?  Really?  After all of these delays, all the crap, that was the best you could do?

Judge Stephens just finished charging the Jury and called an early lunch, which brought Alfred E. Nurmi to immediate attention from the nap he was having in his barkalounger.

I am going to post this and I will come back for closing arguments later.  I will be back with my second blog of the day sometime before midnight.

Stabby Apparently Doesn’t Have any Friends.

May 20, 2013

I have a migraine, can we cancel court? Arizona

Well kids, here we go again.

Stabby really, really doesn’t want to hear what the jury has to say about whether she gets to live or die.   Alfred E. Nurmi, using one of his last hail Mary moments, has requested a mistrial of the sentencing phase of the proceedings (seriously, is that a thing?) because druggy wuggy womak feels threatened.  My bullshit detector is going into overdrive.  He also asked for a mistrial due to previously mentioned prosecutorial misconduct because the pit bull is  a mean bad dog.  Stabby seems to just no longer care and Jenny from the cell block is very obviously high.

The Juanderful Mr. Martinez is up and he’s hot.  They didn’t bring the vet in today for some reason and Detective Flores is diligently trying to distract the frothing little pit bull with some good boy treats to no avail whatsoever.  Uh Oh.  Judge Stephens looks seriously pissed.  I am not sure at who yet, but she is definitely hot.

Alfred E. Nurmi is back up and he is pretty much calling the court and the prosecution out.  The Judge has allowed an atmosphere of intimidation.    Dude, really?  You want to fuck with THAT?  Just no man, go sit down and eat a cheeseburger.

Judge Stephens just denied all motions and I was right she is pissed.  She wants to know if it’s all good to bring the jury in now and Nurmi has now requested that he and Jenny from the Cell Block be recused because they can not provide adequate council.  Judge Stephens seriously has smoke coming out of her ears.  DENIED can we all fucking move on now.  Now they have no witnesses to present.   So, wait, let me get this right.  Druggy Wuggy Womak,  and the dude Stabby used to blow have decided they are not going to testify.  I get why Womack doesn’t want to testify, but I wonder what is going on with Brewer.  I personally think that everyone has just realized that she is just evil and they are all bailing.

Judge Stephens does not have a fuck to give and says, I assume the defendant is going to alocute and we get the now famous “mayweapproach.”   FUCK.

Court is dismissed for the day, reconvenes tomorrow at 9 am and we have another successful halt to the proceedings.  Gotta love putting off the inevitable.  I am also highly disappointed that we are not having he impromptu gallery opening we were promised.  I really wanted to see tracings of works I have already seen.  Now I am just sad.

Apparently Stabby is going to beg for a 2 movie deal tomorrow when she speaks.  Or something.  Who the hell knows with this Psycho bitch.  Guess we will all find out tomorrow.

See you tomorrow at 9

A Stabby Poem- totally Inspired by Edgar Allen Poe

May 17, 2013

Well, yesterday my heart broke for the Alexander Family (I actually do have one believe it or not) and somewhere from deep within my sarcastic and warped mind this appeared.

One night while I lay there napping

Suddenly I heard  a flapping

Something not even close to rapping

Coming from my doggy door.

As I lay there thoughts abounding

Terror in my mind resounding

Pictures in my mind were bounding

Of a trial I followed ever more.

Pictures in my mind were blooming

Of a three holed wonder looming

Men of the world intent on dooming

With a screech I snarled NO MORE.

Then to a courtroom I was taken

Stabby stared, she was not shaken

Nurmi dreamed of cake and Bacon

Objection!  a little pit bull roared.

my skin crawled as I pondered

Inside  of my room it wandered

It said my camera was laundered

I said “you’re a stupid whore.”

Responsible for so much  strife

Because it wanted to be a  wife

It said so as it pulled a knife

And a gun of tiny bore.

In my dreaming state I was awake

I noticed that its tits were fake

It showed me cookies that it baked

truly a slut of epic score.

I awoke to the sound of screaming

Realized I had been dreaming

A smile on my face that had me beaming

Quoth the Writer:  Stabby ,  I hope you see this and realize that the whole world other than for a few severely disturbed individuals hate you and hope you die after a very painful fuck up in the death chamber and then you get resuscitated so we can kill you again just for fun because you are a lying stalking sociopath insane bitch and you’d just kill someone else and we know it.

Oh yeah, and in case I didn’t mention it earlier, you are a lying, murdering, nasty  WHORE!!

Stabby’s Day of Reckoning. I Reckon it’s About Time.

May 16, 2013

Tweet this, Bitch – Arizona

Today’s Blog is brought to you by: Industrial Lubricants of America, Fakor Eyeglass Frames, Tylenol for Migraine now Also available in Stabby Strength, IHOP  as always, GRAVOL, and American Standard Bathroom Supplies because there are currently not enough toilets in the continental US for this shit.

Juan has been successfully wrangled and instead of darting him this morning it looks like Detective Flores, our main dog wrangler has hidden his medication in some good boy treats.  Judge Stephens looks 50 shades of ready for this to be the fuck over and Stabby and the Funky Bunch look like they always do.  Stabby looks hostile, Jenny From the Cell Block looks stoned ( I actually thought she was asleep till she moved) and Alfred E. Nurmi looks….um…well fed!!  Jenny’s bald spot seems to be growing back in so she may yet win the beauty portion of the competition.  She also looks completely, absolutely shocked that she actually lost the law part of the competition.  While Judge Stephens reads the rules of this part, lets check in with the in house Psychic.

Hi everybody.  I am having a hard time getting a read today.  I can hear Jenny loud and clear.  She has quite the trucker mouth mind.  I thought Kelly had Potty mouth.  Boy was I wrong.  Anyway, hang on let me concentrate on Stabby.  Okay, I’ve got something coming in.  How in the hell did these absolutely dumber than me people get to decide that I was guilty of extreme cruelty.  Who got to decide that they got to decide.  I don’t remember getting a say.  As queen of the world, I should have a say on everything right.  Alright, fuck that, concentrate on what the stupid loser lawyer beside me told me.  Look contrite.  No, that’s the wrong one, I didn’t know what contrite was so she told me to look sad.  I hope this looks sad, I still have problems with trying to look like I could suck a golf ball through a garden hose and sad.  Oh, looks like Nurmi is going to talk.  Look sad, look sad, look sad.  I wonder how soon after this I will be able to give a press conference?  Is my hair ok.  Stare at the jury and look sad. 

Thank you in-house Psychic.  Alfred E. Nurmi is up to bat.  Defense gets to open.  Nurmi is totally phoning this in.  He bailed out a week ago, but it has never been more apparent than today. One of the mitigating factors is that Stabby is a talented artist.  Firstly, pffffffffft, more like talented tracer and secondly, Jeffrey Dahmer cooked people.  Was “he was a talented chef” one of his mitigating factors?  Thirdly, what the hell does that have to do with the price of gas cans at Wal-Mart?  WTF? Seriously Alfred E.  THAT was the best you could do? She is a good friend?  So fucking what and to who?  Not Travis that’s for sure.    Nurmi has just said that Stabby is going to take the stand to try to save her ass.  The entire world is SHOCKED that she doesn’t really want to die and that was just a head fake to see if she could totally reverse psychologize our asses.  Oh look, I made up a new word for the Nurmi dictionary.  Yay me.  Nurmi finishes and Juan is up.

Whatever Detective Flores fed the  pit-bull is working because Juan is as mellow as I have ever seen his rabid little self.  He’s sooooo cute when he’s not trying to rip out someone’s throat.  Squeeeeeeee.

Nurmi has raised his head from the all you can eat buffet in the minute and 5 seconds that the pit bull has been speaking to the jury to get them called up to the bench TWICE.  He’s really, really good at objections.  Does he get paid extra for that?  Is it like motions, he gets so much per hour for every objection?

Juan has begun to dismantle the defense opening statement like his is happily shredding his favorite toy.  He is taking it apart with a single-mindedness that is blinding.

Judge Stephens has called a two-minute recess and Nurmi has uttered his new favorite word.  Mayweapproach?  Juan is approaching a slow boil because he is suddenly not a happy puppy.  Detective Flores looks worried the meds may be wearing off already and the vet on stand by has loaded the dart gun.  Juan appears to be barking at Judge Stephens and leaning closer and closer to Nurmi.  Nurmi seems to be concerned that he may smell like bacon and is trying to move away.

We’re back.  Judge Stephens has had Juan successfully darted and has directed him to start the victim impact statements.

Steven Alexander is addressing the Jury.  This is just heart breaking and I have nothing to crack off about here guys.  It is just, sad.   Steven is fighting hard to hang on to his composure.  It is very obvious that he loves his brother very much.  He is quite simply heart-broken.  He is losing it now a little.  I don’t know if he’s going to be able to finish without breaking down.  I will tell all of you right now, I am crying as I write this.  I can see and feel every bit of this mans pain, and so can the Jury.  Detective Flores is having a hard time not crying which tells you the impact this statement is having.

Samantha Alexander is next and it is every bit as heart breaking as Steven was.  I hope they take comfort in the fact that they are painting a true picture of Travis for the Jury, not the bullshit that has been spewed at them for the past months.  Samantha is choking back tears.  Samantha has finished with the words, “we would give anything to have Travis back.  ANYTHING. She managed to absolutely glare at mom of Stabby when she sat down.

Somebody needs to inform Stabby that actual crying requires tears be shed.  She isn’t fooling anybody.  She is pissing me off.

Judge Stephens broke for lunch and the Jury is to re-convene at 2 o’clock  which is probably good, because the Jury is as wrung out as I am.  Juror number 6 I am almost positive is crying and the rest are on the verge.

Since we have an hour and a half break, I am going to post this.  I will post the remainder tomorrow.  Everyone have a good night and everyone pray the Jury continues to do the right thing.

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