The worlds smallest violin will now play for your deliberating pleasure

May 4, 2013

sshhhhh, I’m on a Covert Mission: Arizona

Alfred E. Nurmi took one last bong hit, sighed hard enough for the entire universe to smell what he had for breakfast, dragged his ass up out of the barcalounger  and began his closing arguments.  Moving at a pace that would make a tortoise say dude, seriously what the fuck, Alfred E started into his rant about the prosecution, er close.  Dressed in his best “I know I’m going to hell when this is over” suit, Alfred E. Nurmi started off with a basic rundown of the human condition.  Q, um I mean Judge Stephens still had the vet on standby in case today was the day that Juan “the Pit bull” Martinez was completely overcome by his particular strain of rabies.  Anyway, Alfred E. carried on.  He rambled about the trial not being about snow white or even the seven dwarves (thank you captain obvious) and then he said that 9 out of 10 days he does not like Jodi Arias which in actuality brought my pretty low (as in somewhere near the second circle of hell) opinion of him up a notch or two.

He droned on endlessly and then the talk of covert missions, and the idea that none of this makes sense.  We need a new drinking game but if we used covert mission and doesn’t make sense I’d already be too drunk to write this blog.

Jenny from the cell block spent the first hour of the close with the biggest Fuck My Life look on her face that I almost felt bad for her for a second.  When she wasn’t doing that she was practicing her patented fist on chin side pose.  She continued to take bong hits whenever she thought no one was looking.  We were ALL looking Jenny.  ALL of us.

Stabby herself paid attention for the first time during the entire trial as she watched Alfred E. Nurmi try and convince all these nice people that her story of sob was the one true version.  Jenny had her dressed completely in black which is probably not a bad idea when you know the earth is going to open up and swallow the demon bitch as soon as this is over.  Nice travel dress for someone going to hell and it saves valuable costume change time.  Between paying attention to Alfred E. and admiring herself in the imaginary mirror from blunderland she threw death stared at the jury and looked totally shocked when they didn’t immediately burst into flames.  Apparently Satan’s powers wane after it’s been locked up for a while.

Stabby is not the only one giving Einstein a run for his money because Alfred E. invented a brand new word all by himself today.  I’m not totally positive, but I think it may have been accidental as Conversate may actually mean converse, but hey whatever, they are lawyers.

Before we continue children, the lesson for the day will be Words to Kill By.  Everyone, but ladies especially please take notes there will be a quiz later.  If anyone calls you names like, slut, whore, three hole wonder, Bitch, cunt, puta, or any combination of the above, you are totally within your rights to kill that fucker.  So sayeth the defense team.  So let it be written, so let it be done sayeth Yul Brynner.

I swear I think I’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue than hear the words covert mission ONE. MORE. TIME.

Alfred E. Nurmi loooooves to talk about all the sex that was going on doesn’t he.  I am totally shocked this is the path he chose to travel.  SHOCKED I tell you.  dsa;ljsdjki;sdjksaj.  Sorry, I just put Pepsi through my nose trying not to laugh at that last statement.  Sex over here, Sex over there, Sex with and without underwear.  Sex on the bed, Sex in a shower, so much sex because she’s a blossoming flower.  Sex in the front, sex in the back, sex on a desk, sex tied to a rack.  It’s amazing either one of them had time for anything with the amount of sex Alfred E. Nurmi is trying to tell us they had.  And is that a banana in his pocket or is this turning Alfred E. on just a little bit?

Just as I was about to stab myself in both ears with sharpened crayons, Alfred E. Nurmi finished his phoned in closing argument.  Thank you universe.  Juan got up to clarify a few points, and with that Judge Stephens charged the Jury and we are now officially on verdict watch.

Have a lovely weekend my peeps and remember that this is all about Justice for Travis.

Varmt News Network

It's the Internet.


Just another site

Asleep in Left Field-My Life

4 out of 5 Friends recommend this site

Out in left field

(Totally fictional) Drama Queen Stories


sometimes, there are monsters walking amongst us