Is it dead yet? Arizona
The aggravation phase is brought to you by Calvin Klein, because they want Kevin Horne in their next ad. We have new sponsors today. Walt’s World of Industrial Furniture took one look at Alfred E. Nurmi and immediately begged for a spot. I said “sure, what the hell, I’m friend’s with Alfred E.s current chair and it seems very ummmmmm, stressed and put upon. Maybe you can help.” Fakors Eyeglass rims: “Because who cares if you can see right as long as you look good doing it” Also please welcome Industrial Lubricants of America for obvious reasons and as always, Gravol. Now available in regular strength, extra strength, and OMFG IT’S STABBY BAD, strength.
Juan has been wrangled into the courtroom by our main dog handler and Detective Extraordinaire Esteban Flores, The vet has shot the dart, aaaaaand we’re off. It looked for a moment like the drugs they use on “the pit bull” were working well until the second mayweapproach-“a word used as a stall tactic.” By the third a snarl could be seen forming on his now foaming muzzle, and by the fourth, he stopped speaking and curled his little paw in the air in pure rabid pit bull rage. Detective Flores quickly threw him a good boy treat which he snapped out of the air before he made his way up to the sidebar for a drink of water. Opening finally finished, he wagged his tail at the jury and went to heel when called by Detective Flores.
Alfred E. Nurmi hauled his butt out of his chair much to the poor things relief and began his opening. Juan started to bark almost immediately. Stabby paid absolutely no attention what so ever because she is butt hurt that Alfred E. only likes her one day out of 10. Today was NOT one of those days. Alfred E. did as much for the State as Juan did.
I’m not even sure why Jenny From the Cell Block is even there, is she looked any less interested, she’d be asleep.
Dr Horne took the stand, Alfred E. Nurmi finished his cheeseburger, took a hit off of Jenny From the Cell Blocks bong and said “mayweapproach.” Judge Stephens rolled her eyes and declared a 10 minute recess. Even Jenny looked at him with a “dude, really?” look that made me pee a little. The Charlie Daniels band did not disappoint with the newly written “Devil Went Down to Arizona.” The Judge gave the hand signal and Juan was successfully darted a second time, just for safety’s sake.
While we wait, I’ll have the in-house Psychic get a read on Stabby. ” Um, it was only 62 seconds. Gosh! Dramatic much you fabricating, evidence hiding, shady practicing little fucker, how bad could it have been?”
Ugg, everyone thank the in-house Psychic and THANK YOU GRAVOL.
Juan ‘the pit bull” Martinez began his examination and Stabby began to pretend to begin to cry. She completely stopped for a moment to write a note to Jenny, then went back to it. She is such a great actor that Stabby. We have another sidebar so take it away in-house Psychic. “OMG maybe the jury will totally buy this remorse shit. That’s it Jodi Girl. Keep it together. Close your eyes, pretend to cry, wipe eyes, hold your breath, lick your lips and look sad. Now peek over aaaaand. SHITFUCKDAMN. What the hell. This ALWAYS works. Somebody get Mr. Evidence Fabricator to take down that picture of the throat I cut from ear to ear. Prejudicial much. Cripes, I should have defended myself. Shit.”
We’re back. Juan asked if Travis was still alive before his throat was cut and Dr. Horne answered with a resounding YES. Juan barked that he had no other questions and trotted back to the prosecution table for a good boy treat and a scratch behind the ears.
Jenny From the Cell Block’s stone was mellow, and she’s got the hots for Dr. Horne so she took the cross. Alfred E. Nurmi lifted his head from his Hoagie long enough to grunt thanks. His chair was heard begging for mercy for a muffled second. She tried to get Dr. Horne to say that adrenaline would have kept Travis from feeling pain. He wouldn’t say it. Juan finally succumbed to his rabies as he rose for recross. Foam sprayed across the room as he barked was Travis alive when he was being stabbed. Yes. Was he alive when he was stabbed in the heart. Yes. Was he alive when His throat was cut from ear to ear. Yes. Could he see while he was alive? Yes. Could he hear?.. and with that we have a sidebar. I’d put the in-house Psychic back on but she said something about more money for this shit and went outside.
While we waited, the vet went out and got the elephant gun. Judge Stephens gave permission for the dart to be deployed and Juan was suddenly knocked slightly backwards. It didn’t take long to see that these drugs had not yet taken effect. With a snarled I have no further questions, Juan spun towards his bench, but then stopped and marked his territory all over Alfred E. Nurmi. He then went to Detective Flores and sat like a good boy. We had two Jury questions and the Juan was back up. Oh good, the drugs are working.
Juan finished his re-direct of Dr. Horne without incident and rested. To the surprise of absolutely NO ONE, Alfred E. Nurmi also rested the defense. Juan immediately got up and started his close. Alfred E. came up for air from his ice cream sundae long enough to mutter improper argument so many times the Judge called them to approach. I just caught she who will apparently not be named (at least by Juan) smirking. Nurmi’s chair muttered a quick “thank you Jesus” and was silent.
I was very afraid for Stabby’s Pencil for a moment. Stabby clutched it like she wanted to plunge it directly into the heart of the mighty pit bull, but Jenny From the Cell Block distracted her with the promise of crayons. Stabby’s hand relaxed, releasing the poor thing from the death grip it had been in. A very quiet, “trade ya chair?” was heard coming from the pencil.
The in-house Psychic and I have settled our labor dispute, so once she takes some more Gravol she will be back.
Juan is once again showing us who the big dog is by this beautifully choreographed close. I actually giggled when he said “it hurts, it stings” in a brilliantly high falsetto. It was one of the most beautifully ingenious things I have ever seen. He has shown aggravated murder and his total contempt for Stabby. Everyone please turn, face Arizona and bow to Mr. Martinez. K thanks.
Alfred E. Nurmi raised his head from his Nacho platter, wiped his chin and stood for his close. His chair muttered “For the love of god man, MAKE. IT. STOP.” and fell silent.
Alfred E. Nurmi looked absolutely serious for a moment. He then realized his roach clip wasn’t really lost and was just stuck in one of his chins. With a huge sigh of relief he returned to his regular, “Meh, whatever, when’s lunch?” look and began his totally stolen from a Law and Order Episode close. Apparently someone has been taking notes on how to successfully steal copyright. Good Job Nurmi. I know who I am hiring if they ever find the….I mean if I ever kill anyone. ANYBODY that ain’t him. The pencil, the chair, hell my in-house Psychic. Anybody but him.
Juan stood for rebuttal, launched and had Alfred E. by the throat in somewhere under 62 seconds. Detective Flores got Juan down with a catch pole, a box of good boy treats and a picture of Stabby stapled to an attack dummy. A somewhat shaken Nurmi wiped off the hotdog he had dropped during the fracas and munched with a frightened look on his face. He managed to mutter improper argument a couple of times. The pit bull rested, and with that, Judge Stephens charged the Jury. The Charlie Daniels Band played them out with an orchestral version of “Devil went down to Arizona.”
We are officially on Aggravation Watch. If we get a verdict tonight, I will be back.
EXTREME CRUELTY HAS BEEN PROVEN. CONGRATULATIONS TO MR. MARTINEZ, DETECTIVE FLORES, AND ESPECIALLY THE ALEXANDER FAMILY!!