Tweet this, Bitch – Arizona
Today’s Blog is brought to you by: Industrial Lubricants of America, Fakor Eyeglass Frames, Tylenol for Migraine now Also available in Stabby Strength, IHOP as always, GRAVOL, and American Standard Bathroom Supplies because there are currently not enough toilets in the continental US for this shit.
Juan has been successfully wrangled and instead of darting him this morning it looks like Detective Flores, our main dog wrangler has hidden his medication in some good boy treats. Judge Stephens looks 50 shades of ready for this to be the fuck over and Stabby and the Funky Bunch look like they always do. Stabby looks hostile, Jenny From the Cell Block looks stoned ( I actually thought she was asleep till she moved) and Alfred E. Nurmi looks….um…well fed!! Jenny’s bald spot seems to be growing back in so she may yet win the beauty portion of the competition. She also looks completely, absolutely shocked that she actually lost the law part of the competition. While Judge Stephens reads the rules of this part, lets check in with the in house Psychic.
Hi everybody. I am having a hard time getting a read today. I can hear Jenny loud and clear. She has quite the trucker mouth mind. I thought Kelly had Potty mouth. Boy was I wrong. Anyway, hang on let me concentrate on Stabby. Okay, I’ve got something coming in. How in the hell did these absolutely dumber than me people get to decide that I was guilty of extreme cruelty. Who got to decide that they got to decide. I don’t remember getting a say. As queen of the world, I should have a say on everything right. Alright, fuck that, concentrate on what the stupid loser lawyer beside me told me. Look contrite. No, that’s the wrong one, I didn’t know what contrite was so she told me to look sad. I hope this looks sad, I still have problems with trying to look like I could suck a golf ball through a garden hose and sad. Oh, looks like Nurmi is going to talk. Look sad, look sad, look sad. I wonder how soon after this I will be able to give a press conference? Is my hair ok. Stare at the jury and look sad.
Thank you in-house Psychic. Alfred E. Nurmi is up to bat. Defense gets to open. Nurmi is totally phoning this in. He bailed out a week ago, but it has never been more apparent than today. One of the mitigating factors is that Stabby is a talented artist. Firstly, pffffffffft, more like talented tracer and secondly, Jeffrey Dahmer cooked people. Was “he was a talented chef” one of his mitigating factors? Thirdly, what the hell does that have to do with the price of gas cans at Wal-Mart? WTF? Seriously Alfred E. THAT was the best you could do? She is a good friend? So fucking what and to who? Not Travis that’s for sure. Nurmi has just said that Stabby is going to take the stand to try to save her ass. The entire world is SHOCKED that she doesn’t really want to die and that was just a head fake to see if she could totally reverse psychologize our asses. Oh look, I made up a new word for the Nurmi dictionary. Yay me. Nurmi finishes and Juan is up.
Whatever Detective Flores fed the pit-bull is working because Juan is as mellow as I have ever seen his rabid little self. He’s sooooo cute when he’s not trying to rip out someone’s throat. Squeeeeeeee.
Nurmi has raised his head from the all you can eat buffet in the minute and 5 seconds that the pit bull has been speaking to the jury to get them called up to the bench TWICE. He’s really, really good at objections. Does he get paid extra for that? Is it like motions, he gets so much per hour for every objection?
Juan has begun to dismantle the defense opening statement like his is happily shredding his favorite toy. He is taking it apart with a single-mindedness that is blinding.
Judge Stephens has called a two-minute recess and Nurmi has uttered his new favorite word. Mayweapproach? Juan is approaching a slow boil because he is suddenly not a happy puppy. Detective Flores looks worried the meds may be wearing off already and the vet on stand by has loaded the dart gun. Juan appears to be barking at Judge Stephens and leaning closer and closer to Nurmi. Nurmi seems to be concerned that he may smell like bacon and is trying to move away.
We’re back. Judge Stephens has had Juan successfully darted and has directed him to start the victim impact statements.
Steven Alexander is addressing the Jury. This is just heart breaking and I have nothing to crack off about here guys. It is just, sad. Steven is fighting hard to hang on to his composure. It is very obvious that he loves his brother very much. He is quite simply heart-broken. He is losing it now a little. I don’t know if he’s going to be able to finish without breaking down. I will tell all of you right now, I am crying as I write this. I can see and feel every bit of this mans pain, and so can the Jury. Detective Flores is having a hard time not crying which tells you the impact this statement is having.
Samantha Alexander is next and it is every bit as heart breaking as Steven was. I hope they take comfort in the fact that they are painting a true picture of Travis for the Jury, not the bullshit that has been spewed at them for the past months. Samantha is choking back tears. Samantha has finished with the words, “we would give anything to have Travis back. ANYTHING. She managed to absolutely glare at mom of Stabby when she sat down.
Somebody needs to inform Stabby that actual crying requires tears be shed. She isn’t fooling anybody. She is pissing me off.
Judge Stephens broke for lunch and the Jury is to re-convene at 2 o’clock which is probably good, because the Jury is as wrung out as I am. Juror number 6 I am almost positive is crying and the rest are on the verge.
Since we have an hour and a half break, I am going to post this. I will post the remainder tomorrow. Everyone have a good night and everyone pray the Jury continues to do the right thing.