Oh, the things that bitch has made me write – Arizona
We have a guest writer today everybody. Please give a warm welcome (and possibly a hug) to STABBY’S PENCIL. As we all know, Stabby’s Pencil was on the front line during the entire trial, putting up with such indignities as being death gripped by Stabby, being held in Stabby’s disgusting mouth (hope ya got shots for that pencil) being subjected to the tracings of Stabby, and worst of all, having to take all of Stabby’s notes. We all feel your pain pencil and we have been absolutely dying to hear what you have to say. Please if you would, regale us with tales from the defense.
Hello everyone. First, I’d like to thank you for inviting me here. I’ve been waiting for such a long time to share the horror that was my existence for all those months. I suppose I should begin at the beginning. I was chosen from a pool of court appointed pencils to be used by Stabby in case she wanted to take notes at the trial. Luckily for all of us, I have perfect recall, something incredibly rare for a pencil so I can tell you every single thing that Stabby wrote during the trial. She was a total ingrate when it came to thanking me for a job well done, she’s a biter and she has bad breath as well as bad penmanship. I seem to be getting off topic, so here are some of the things that Stabby had to write while the trial was going on as well as some of my own thoughts which will be in italics.
Trial Day 1 – This is the pencil I get? I can’t even have a full-sized pencil? Seriously Jenny, get me a fucking full-sized pencil. I don’t have stubby little arms like the baby Tyrannosaurus on the prosecutors side, I need an adult sized pencil. What do you mean shut up and pay attention? You shut up and pay attention. I’ve been on TV. I’m Stabby Arias Bitch.
Trial Day 2- JENNY, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FULL SIZED PENCIL?
Trial Day 3- OMG Jens, who is the hot guy on the stand. Dr Horne? I bet I could make him Dr Horny. He’s here for what now? Pffffft. Fuck forensics, I told you guys I cleaned up. Oh, excuse me for interrupting you while you listen to Dr underwear model talk. Is this important somehow? They aren’t talking about me so how could this possibly be important? How does my hair look? Jenny? Jenny? Jenny? Stop ignoring me, I will just keep shoving notes in your face. (then the bitch put me in her dirty disgusting mouth and bit me, hard.)
Trial Day 4- I traced a Dior ad.
Trial Day 5 – Jenny pass this over to Nurmi. Hey Nurmi, I think you have some egg on your tie. You might want to lick it off or something, it’s kind of gross much like you. Well fuck you too. I don’t like you either, and I’m the star here so suck it.
Trial Day 7- sidebar with Nurmi’s chair. I haven’t quite got all the details of our escape figured out yet chair, but when I roll off of the table that is the signal to go.
Trial day 8- Dear Diary. I think they must be serving actual booze at the sidebar because my fucktard lawyers are up there, A LOT. I thought Nurmi was supposed to be a sex crimes specialist. I personally think he specializes in representing the fucking Hamburgler or the burger king or some shit. And Jenny thinks she’s so hot. I am so much hotter than that bitch. I could do a better job too. Objection. I can say objection. I fucking object to being subjected to this. Fucking peons. I’ve totally got the Jury foreman though. He’s old enough to be my grandpa, but he totally wants to check out all three of my holes of wonder. Oh yeah, I’m getting off. No really, thinking about what I did to Travis is getting me off. Shit, here they come, gotta hide you and go back to doodling.
Trial Day 9- Of all the child molesting, murdering, drug cartel running, dog killing fuckers out there, I had to get this gig. I wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this bitch?
Jenny, please explain to me why exactly things are not going well at this point? I have a what? A migraine. Yes as a matter of fact I do have a migraine. Seriously I can get court cancelled for that. Cool. Can I have one tomorrow too? Oh I have to save them for special occasions. Ok. Tell Nurmi to NOT stop at taco bell on the way home. Jesus he’s getting bigger every time I see him. What do you mean stress eating? What the fuck is there to be stressed about. I told you I’ve got this. Juror 18 is eating out of the…..nevermind, just tell him to relax before he explodes or some shit.
Trial Day 10- I traced an ad. Then I made pictures of the prosecutor with a knife sticking out of his back and a bullet hole in his head. About 27 times.
Trial Day 11- Jenny please have that asshole fucking prosecutor removed. What do you mean you can’t. I said do it. I don’t like him. He’s like a tiny little rabid dog. I’m still pissed off he wouldn’t let me introduce my totally forged letters saying Travis was a perv. So fucking what if I made them up? They were perfectly good forgeries and I think they should be admitted. Come to think of it, that Judge is a bitch for not letting them in too. Have her removed as well. Because I am the queen of the universe and I demand it, that’s why. Are you slow or something? You can read, yes? Se Habla Espanol? Me either, but I bet you $100 I can make them believe I can. Come on, bet me. It will be fun.
Well everyone, that’s all I have to write for tonight. My lead is getting dull and much like Kelly I feel a sudden need for Gravol. I think she can grind it up and just soak me in it. I’ve been invited back and am allowed to bring along my friends Nurmi’s Chair, and Stabby’s Bangs. Oh the tales they have to tell. Hopefully they will join me next time. Thank you for having me.
Thank you very much pencil, this has been most informative and I look forward to having you back in the near future.
Written by me with permission from Stabby’s Pencil.