Well, it only took me 40 some odd years.

May 12, 2014

So, it was mothers day yesterday. I spent the day thinking, same thing I have done every day that I can remember really. I came to a conclusion yesterday, and I wrote a letter. Then I took the letter to where it needed to be and I buried it there.

Dear Mom

Well, It’s been 8 years you’ve been gone. I’ve had 8 years to think about all the stuff you said in the car not long before you died, 8 years more of hating you and I’ve come to a conclusion. I am a fucked up unit. You were a fucked up unit. Our fucked upness was just different. You externalized your pain and I internalized mine. I did everything possible to hurt myself and you did everything possible to hurt everyone else. I’ve decided that it’s a wash. You had no more control over what you did than I did when I did all of those things to myself. That is changing today.

I’ve been thinking a lot. I do that. Thanks. I’m so quiet people think I’m cold or whatever but it’s because I am constantly trying to get the rubics cube that was my life back to factory set. I know, I could do a real one really fast so don’t go there, this is infinitely more difficult.

I don’t understand the stuff you did, but I think that it’s exactly the same as the stuff I did to myself except like I said you were an externalizer. If that is true then that means if I am ever able to forgive myself I have to be able to forgive you. I think you were as broken as I am. Thing is mom, I don’t want to be this way anymore. So here goes. I accept the apology you offered me that day in the car. I felt you were being disingenuous at the time or that you knew your time was almost up and you were scared and you didn’t really mean it. I have decided to accept that you did mean it and let it go. I’m sorry for what I said. I was still raw and angry but some of those things never should have been given voice. Some of those things were every bit as venomous as the things loosed on me and I am sorry because once that cork popped it was impossible to make it stop. I should have been the bigger person that day. You were sick and old and scared and I made it worse, so much worse. You were defenseless and I took that moment to give you back the knife you stuck in me. It’s funny ma, It felt so good giving you back every bit of the shit I ate for 14 years, but I felt sick today thinking about the things I said in the car. I’m sorry I said I was glad you were dead. Nobody should be glad about things like that. I’m sorry that I couldn’t stop Sean.

I forgive you. Really. Finally.

You will always be my mom.


May 11. 2014

Edit: Apparently I’m not the only one. http://www.fishwrapper.com/post/2014/05/12/eminem-mothers-day-debbie-mathers-headlights-song-video-pictures-photos-apology/

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