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A Personal Update and Some Observations

September 30, 2014

-wondering if someone actually has released some form of neurotoxic weapon in Arizona and Florida -Arizona

Hai everybody.  It’s me, justice seeker extraordinaire, Kelly.  I will apologize now for tonights blog because it is not what you have all come to expect.  I’m very tired and the news I got today did not leave me feeling jovial.  I promise I will be back to normal by tomorrow.  Most of you know I have severe PTSD and agoraphobia and BWS – the real ones, not the made up Stabby ones.  Because of this, I cannot work and I survive on a disability pension.  It is $796 per month.  The government just decided to cut it by $20 per month.

The way my mind works is an interesting thing, at least according to my Psychiatrist, my Doctor, my Mailman my Dogs, my cat and my Guinea Pig.  I really need to get a fish.  Anyway, I’ve been rolling around in my head for the last couple of days what exactly is in the fucking water in Florida and Arizona.  Before the panties of those that happen to live in either of those states get into a bunch, I’m not saying that those are the only states with problems, they do however happen to be the two states that seem to not only be in the news for a lot of violent crimes, the crimes committed are so off the hook it scares me a little.

The Arizona violent crime rate is 10% higher than the national violent crime rate average.  The chances of being the victim of a violent crime in Arizona are 1 in 182. Y’all got hammer killers, knife killers, unsolved strangulation murders, cop murders, a car bomber for insurance. You have Mario Changolla who killed and cut someone into bite sized pieces and of course you have Stabby.

Florida is no better.  Casey Anthony, pig-vomit and George Zimmerman,  Nuff said.

Is it because of the gun laws in these states?  I have no idea.  I do know that I personally won’t be visiting either of them anytime soon and not just because I am an agoraphobic shut it.  My PTSD is not conducive to having a good time when I would curl into a ball and start rocking at the first sound of gunfire.

I realize that violent crime is a problem that is not confined to the US.  We have our very own homegrown nutbags here.  We get to claim Clifford Olson (an oldie, you will have to google him), The Picton Pig Farm murderer, Paul and Karla Bernardo, and now we have Luka Magnotta who killed, cut up, ate, and had sex with the corpse. He also fed a bunch of it to a dog.   Then just for shits and giggles he mailed various body parts to our Prime Minister (it’s kinda like a President, but light………..and more stupid). His trial is coming up soon.  Our constitution does not allow any type of camera’s or still photography in the courtroom, so we get court sketches.  Yup, not kidding, that is still a think here.  Luka Magnotta has pled guilty but not criminally responsible due to mental disease or defect.  Luka Magnotta is about as pure a psychopath as we may ever find next to Ted Bundy (NOT ours) and I hope we get to study him for a long, long time.  We will, because Canada also does not have the death penalty, which makes me sad.  I believe in capital punishment if it is warranted.

What we do have is dangerous offender status.  A panel including the Attorney General, Psychiatrists, Wardens and Superintendents for Corrections Canada and any corrections officers who have had extended contact can convene and assign dangerous offender status to an inmate as in the case of Paul Bernardo and that fucker never gets out.  This is a good thing, because in Canada a life sentence is 25 years.  We don’t have anything higher than that unless you are a dangerous offender.   Our system in my opinion is way more fucked than yours is, but we don’t have anywhere near the violent crime problem that you do.

All has been pretty quiet on the Stabby front today.  Of course things will be back to normal tomorrow when we get to carry on with Jury Selection which is a lot like watching paint dry.

I had to go visit my cardiologist today, which is always a good time.  Getting hooked up with a Holter Monitor next week just to see why my heart keeps beating like the drummer for Metallica has taken up residence in my chest.  I’ve had a couple of cardiac events, just little ones with very little damage to my lion heart, but still it makes a RBMD worry.

All of the dogs continue to be awesome.  Peanut and my Guinea Pig have now made friends which is hilarious if you think about it.  Piggy Friend is not that much smaller than peanut and I think she thinks he’s just a weird looking dog.  Kitty Friend also does not think my GP is a food item since every time I put him out in his pen, the cat jumps in and just hangs out in there with him.  It’s cute, and weird, but what else would you expect around here.

So that’s it for tonight my friends.  I will have a regular blog tomorrow, and again I apologize for tonight.  I just don’t have it in me at the moment.

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The Really Big Mean Dog School Of Law: Seating a Jury and Other Necessary Annoyances.

September 29, 2014

-I’m self employed, I have ebola, my dog ate my jury summons, No Habla Englis – Arizona

Welcome class. Please hurry and take your seats. This class will be focusing on seating a jury for a re-trial that the whole world watched and other things you don’t want to do. We were going to have a guest speaker tonight, Troy from Fox10, but he was covering the very trial we are going to be discussing tonight and the CONVICT looked at him and smiled. Obviously filing the restraining order was much more important than speaking to us. We all understand.

As a Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery of The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law and since we are studying this case, I felt it would be pertinent for me to attend todays proceedings. My press credentials help. Unfortunately I was busy working on todays lesson plan so the in-house Psychic will be giving you a synopsis of what happened in court today. In house Psychic, if you could come up to the front of the class please. Thank you. Take it away in-house psychic.

Uh….hey everybody. Um, I’m a little nervous, I don’t have to speak in front of people very often. Before I begin, I would like you all to know that once you pass the bar, you should never, ever take a job offered by your illustrious Professor. She will have you sign a contract that keeps you indentured forever, no matter what vomit inducing things she makes you do. You can get more money, but you can never leave her service. Anyway, this is what happened in court today.

All the main players were present. Nurmi was a combination of pissed off and resigned. He wasn’t paying much attention, he just kept thinking about where his chair was, if Jenny from the Cell Block had brought enough weed, if they were going to require a separate chair for Cha Cha’s earrings and whether or not he had tossed his suits from when he was fat. He seemed concerned that he was going to require them. Jenny from the Cell Block just looked stoned. She and Stabby kept staring into each others eyes and blowing kisses. Cha Cha was present. She seemed to be paying no attention what so ever. I wonder how much money I pulled in from the Justice4Stabby site was the only thing rolling around in her brain. Stabby was brought in sans shackles and wearing a grey sweater that perfectly matched her skin-tone. A search party has been formed to look for Stabby’s bangs, they are missing. She was also wearing a pair of glasses as seen on her auction for her totally authentic auction for her glasses as worn at trial. There were about a hundred jurors in the first bunch, about an equal number of men and women. Stabby seemed to be having a staring contest with one and the poor potential was visibly freaked out. She blurted out something about having to be at school and was dismissed. She bolted from the courtroom and immediately sought counselling. Several potentials were dismissed for not speaking English, but I took a quick read and spoiler (they all speak English.) King Juan and Sir Esteban were present. Our pit-bull, King Juan was not looking particularly rabid yet and Sir Esteban only had to throw him a couple of good boy treats. Judge Stephens just looked vaguely confused.
Most of the first panel were fairly intelligent potential jurors and came up with all kinds of interesting reasons to not be on the jury. Judge Stephens came out of the trance she was in long enough to tell potentials they may not contact the media, watch the news and they are banned from social media. Alfred E. Nurmi of course asked for a sidebar. Jurors will not be sequestered. The trial is expected to last until mid-December. Okay, I’m out. Back to Professor Kelly and Law Class.

Thank you in-house psychic. Everybody thank the in house psychic. Sorry, it’s in her contract.

Anyway back to Jury selection. For the purposes of this class we will use the case we have been studying:

The Great State of Arizona and King Juan the 1st V Stabby Anal Einstein.

First, some terms you will find useful unless you want to have no clue what is going on in the courtroom.

Venire: No students, it is not the finish on your floor or Jenny from the Cell Blocks teeth. That would be veneer. A Venire is a panel of prospective jurors.

Voire Dire: Not a French ungulate. The process through which potential jurors from the venire are questioned by either the judge or a lawyer to determine their suitability for jury service. Also the preliminary questioning of witnesses (especially experts) to determine their competence to testify. Voire Dire is when the most intelligent potential jurors will be shown the door. They you see have figured out how to avoid jury duty. The judge will question the Venire asking such questions as will sitting on the jury cause any undo hardship and do you think you can remain impartial. Using the above case as an example, some of the excellent reasons that jurors came up with to not sit on the jury: I have an issue with whores, I have an issue with fake domestic violence claims, I just flat out hate the bitch and I am ready to vote for the death penalty right now.

Challenges for Cause: The right to challenge a juror without assigning, or being required to assign, a reason for the challenge. During the selection of a jury, both parties to the proceeding may challenge prospective jurors for a lack of impartiality, known as a challenge for cause. A party may challenge an unlimited number of prospective jurors for cause. The judge will be required to step in if one of the lawyers decides this might be easier than say filing motions. Challenges for cause have been stopped by the judge when a lawyer was obviously trying to stack the jury with all men, or trying to stack the jury with all white people or all ninjas or whatever. That is a big, big no-no.

Peremptory Challenge: Peremptory challenges provide a more impartial and better qualified jury. Peremptory challenges allow an attorney to reject a potential juror for real or imagined partiality that would be difficult to demonstrate under the challenge for cause category. These challenges, however, have become more difficult to exercise because the U.S. Supreme Court has forbidden peremptory strikes based on race or gender.

Parties do not have a federal constitutional right to exercise peremptory challenges. Peremptory challenges are granted by statute or by case law. The number of challenges is usually determined by statute, but some jurisdictions allow the trial court to grant additional peremptory challenges. In federal court each side is entitled to three peremptory challenges. If more than two parties are involved in the proceeding, the court may either grant additional challenges or restrict the parties to the minimum number of challenges. In the case we are studying, the parties each have three peremptory challenges.

Once all the Venires have been gone through, the judge and the attorneys will begin to question the potential jurors and that is when the challenges for cause and the peremptory challenges will begin. On the second round of voire dire the questions are much more detailed and are often tailored to individual potential jurors. This is when the second most intelligent jurors will normally be removed from the panel.

The case we are studying is an interesting one. The potential jurors questions have been kept under wraps. A panel of highly qualified smart asses were convened to come up with relevant questions to ask the jurors. Fortunately I happen to have an in house Psychic, so for this class only I bring you Stabby Einstein Jury Questions.

What is YOUR definition of SKANK? Credit to @JodisDiary
Can you ID the 3 Wonder Holes? Credit to @Sturgeongal
What do you think about Snow White? Credit to @AngelRoars
Can you dedicate enough time to this trial? Like, until your social security kicks in? Credit to @SheilaNJ
Do you believe that during the alleged “body slam” that Jodi got a 1st Down? Credit to BarbRichter1
This trial may or may not contain “fog”. Are you a meteorologist and if so can you unlearn all college education? Credit to @mohiclaire
Were you ever a juror in Florida? Credit to @thriftymaiden
Do you have anything against white American Ninjas?
Do you believe that “Three-Hole Wonders” are an endangered species & therefore protected? Credit to @thriftymaiden
On 9 out of 10 days do you prefer Murdering Skanks or Pizza? Credit to @BarbRichter1
Do you have an irrational fear of rogue skateboarders and/or an affinity for collecting red gas cans? Credit to @BarbRichter1
Do you have any knowledge whatsoever of what the ten commandments actually say?
Do you actually understand what indigent means? Credit to unknown I forgot to write it down. message me if it’s yours
Does it bother you when multi-syllabic words are used incorrectly?
Can you list five places on your person to hide poprocks, tootsie pops and a toblerone bar? Credit to @DoctorGooFee
In YOUR opinion, should the seven dwarfs have been stabbed and decapitated? How about shot?
Do you think braids are HAWT?
Have you ever de-edified someone?
Can you look at Stabby and remain impartial contemporaneously?

That is it for tonight class. Next class we will be discussing more on this trial as well as a strange case of multiple personality disorder. This case is disturbing on many levels. It started out as simple assault with a fish and by the time the woman was found not responsible due to mental disease or defect she was actually tweeting to herself. Very sad.

Have a wonderful evening and don’t forget to study. We may or may not have a midterm coming up anywhere from 5 to 455 days from now.

Class dismissed.

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Well, Now That Hell Has Frozen Over…………

September 28, 2014

Wait, what?  It’s gonna start on time?-Arizona

Hai Kids. Believe it or not, it looks like Jury selection is going to start tomorrow. Just..like…Judge…Stephens…said. I am frightened and confused by this turn of events. Nothing ever starts on time with Stabby and the Funky Bunch. She has the king of motions on her side and he has run out of motions to file………WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??????? I don’t know how to deal with this. I think I need a Prozac and a hug.

Since Judge Stephens has started the “We hate media tour” I have to bring out the in-house psychic. The in-house Psychic is not amused. Also, just in case the in-house psychic has another hissy fit about damaging her brain, we have Jen from Trial Diaries updating us on twitter. Not the same, but it is better than nothing. Seriously. It is!! Work with me here people.

I am apparently giving certain “bloggers” who shall remain nameless *cough* pig-vomit *cough* fits, and all I have to say about that is YAY!!

Since we don’t have much else to do on the eve of Stabby’s journey to the gurney (credit for that is not mine, I saw it on twitter but don’t remember who started it) I thought I would tell all of you an Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story. Grab whatever you’re drinking and pull up a chair.

Once upon a time in the land of Maricopa County Court, The wisest King to ever rule lived. King Juan was revered throughout the land as a wise and just ruler. Even outside the land of Maricopa County Court, King Juan’s heroic rule was known and loved by all. King Juan had gone to battle and beaten the evil monster Stabby. King Juan had four daughters, two sets of fraternal twins. The first set, Jen and Christine pleased King Juan and the subjects of the court when they both became brilliant journalists. There were celebrations throughout the land when they got their press credentials. Pencil and Kelly were the other set of fraternal twins. They were loved through-out the land for the truth of what they said as well as their very twisted yet hilariously funny sense of humor. No matter how sad or terrible the situation might be, Pencil and Kelly could be counted on to raise the spirits of the land with their take on the situation. The sisters all cared about each other and always had each others backs. King Juan could not have been more proud of his daughters. Every year around whatever o’clock the whole land was invited to an ice-cream party in Vegas to celebrate the rule of the wise and noble King, as well as his insanely talented and very well known children.

Unfortunately, a wicked and crazy troll named Pig-Vomit and her five dim-witted minions with one hundred and fifty email addresses also lived on the very fringe of the Maricopa County Court. Pig-Vomit very vocally despised King Juan and all of the princesses, but especially Jen and Christine. The problem was that Pig-vomit fancied herself a journalist. The fact that she could not write anything other than pure bullshit never, ever deterred her. Pig-Vomit was not especially bright, and she got it into her head that if she wrote it down and got the five dim-witted minions with one hundred and fifty emails addresses to comment on it, she was a real-timey Journalist. She named her “writings” IncoherentRamblings. She cackled maniacally at her journalistic brilliance. She had herself convinced that she was a real journalist until word of Princess Jen and Princess Christine’s real journalistic endeavors got to her. From that moment on she did nothing but write stuff that could only be described as the rantings of a lunatic and plot how to ruin the reputations of King Juan and the princesses. King Juan was not worried about his reputation at all because he knew Pig-Vomit was just a jealous used up old hag that had lost touch with reality when her spirit animal Stabby refused to acknowledge her. He, and all the subjects in the land knew that her writing was so insane that only the mentally deficient would give it a moments thought. He was however concerned for his daughters. He mentioned it to his personal guard Sir Esteban, and Sir Esteban immediately started to gather evidence against Pig-Vomit. It was fairly easy considering that Pig-Vomit just could not keep the bat-shit crazy to herself and she spewed crap all over social media. She also apparently didn’t know what a screen capture was. Sir Esteban reported all of his findings back to King Juan. King Juan was incensed at the things that Pig-Vomit was saying about his daughters. He was so angry he began to pace and snarl. Sir Esteban threw him a good boy treat and that settled him down a bit.

Once King Juan thought about it for a bit he calmed down. His subjects as well as all of the thousands of messages he had gotten from outside of the kingdom told him that the entire world knew what a crazy jealous psycho bitch pig-vomit was. Essentially the whole planet thought the bitch was nuts. King Juan also knew that the knights of the prosecution table were always watching out for them. He knew they would be safe when he made his journey into the second circle of hell to do battle with Pig-Vomit’s spirit animal Stabby. The knights, Happy, Tie, Chair, MMC, RT, Chaz, Anna, G, PIckles, CJ and several others were always with the sisters. Knight Happy was worried about Kelly and Pencil and warned Kelly to watch out when she ventured forth to post her blog each day. Kelly assured Happy that she and Pencil were okay, it was the famous sisters that Pig-Vomit was after. Happy, gather the rest of the knights of the prosecution table and look after Jen and Christine. Happy hugged princess Kelly and peaced the fuck out to find the rest of the knights.

Pig-Vomit was getting desperate. As usual, Kelly and Pencil were right, she was bent on the destruction of Jen and Christine. In her insane mind, she thought that if she could get hold of one of their press credentials, King Juan would magically love her and would grant her title of reporter of the court, as well as making her Queen of Maricopa County Court. She was getting more and more desperate. Her spirit animal Stabby would not acknowledge her for all the lies she had made up to try and get Stabby free, Jen and Christine seemed not to be even slightly bothered by the things Pig-Vomit spewed forth in her “writings”, the five dim-witted minions with one hundred and fifty email addresses were not switching identities with any enthusiasm what-so-ever and Kelly and Pencil were slowly and inexorably making her look like an even bigger idiot than she already looked like.

Pig-Vomit in a last ditch effort called one last time on the demon at the bottom of the vodka bottle. Dreat Gemon she intoned, I need to discredit all the princesses. What should I do? The Vodka Demon thought on it for a minute. Did you try making shit up about King Juan having an affair it asked. She nodded at the empty vodka bottle. How about questioning the journalistic s integrity of Jen and Christine? Pig-vomit nodded again. Did you accuse any of them of knowing the truth about your spirit animal Stabby and not telling it. Pig-Vomit nodded again. The demon was perplexed. How about prosecutorial misconduct, or have you implied that King Juan might be hiding evidence? Pig-Vomit was looking desperate now. The demon seemed to care a lot less than she thought it should, so she smacked it with a flounder and told it to pay attention. It shrugged. Have you called everybody haters? Stalked them on social media? How about trying to get your spirit animal Stabby interested by telling it that somebody is stealing her murder money and you were the one that uncovered it? Nothin’? The Demon shrugged one last time. Well, it said, I guess it sucks to be you. I gotta go, Judge Stephens has called to restock the sidebar. The Demon disappeared in a puff of smoke and Pig-Vomit realized she was alone. She shook her head and howled. In a moment of clarity she realized that the five dim-witted minions had also never existed and it had been her and her multiple personalities with one hundred and fifty different email addresses all along.

Kelly and Pencil had figured out how to deal with Pig-Vomit. Six nice men in white coats showed up at Pig-Vomits door. She was so excited to see actual men that she didn’t look outside to see the waiting paddy wagon. The gentlemen asked her if she would like to go have a nice dance lesson at the Cha-Cha Delarosa School of Dance. Pig-Vomit was trembling with excitement. One of the men offered to get her coat. She slipped it on and the man chivalrously did it up for her in the back nice and tight. They escorted her to her waiting chariot and assured her that of course they could stop for a strawberry Frappuccino on the way. Pig Vomit was quietly committed to the Sheriff Joe House of Psychiatric Hold and Indefinite Incarceration and was never heard from again. Nobody noticed she was even gone. The end.

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The Stabby Commandments.

September 26, 2014

Just assured myself assigned seating in hell-Arizona

 

Hai everybody. So, guess what I spent the evening doing? Like many of you, I watched the Stabby-a-thon on HLN. Nancy Grace grates on my nerves almost as much as having to listen to Stabby speak, but since this is what I do for a living, I couldn’t not watch. I was going to write something else tonight, but I had a request from Stabby’s Pencil and since I love Stabby’s Pencil I had to do it.

During the torture session that was the Stabby-a-thon, she mentioned following the commandments about 70 bajillion times. I was confused for a moment. I am familiar with the 10 commandments so my confusion was for very obvious reasons. I even pulled out a bible to make sure I wasn’t remembering them wrong. It was as I was reading them that I realized what the problem was. Stabby would never follow anything as pedestrian as the Bibles 10 commandments. This was the problem all along. I called on Stabby’s Diary, and sure enough I found what I was looking for.
In the interest of justice, I have provided the commandments she was talking about for all of you.

I am the Queen of the Universe, who brought you out of California, out of the land of Birkenstocks with tube socks. I give unto you the commandments of the Queen of The Universe so that you may follow them.

1. You shall know no other people that are prettier, smarter or sluttier than me.

2. You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below that isn’t me. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them unless they are me, for I, the Queen of the Universe, am a crazy jealous narcissistic whore, punishing any guy who gets all yelly, or grilly, or who I think may be checking out some other woman. I will confirm by hacking your email or peeking in your windows, or crawling through your doggy door as is my wish and then I will stab you 27 times and try and cut your head off and shoot you just for good measure. You have been warned.

3. You shall not misuse the name of the Queen of the Universe by calling me things like Hodi, Stabby, or Scarias. I’m still pretty ok with three hole wonder. I will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses my slutty names. I will have people stalk your social media, and make up stories about you, and have them complain about your press credentials as is my wish.

4. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holey (ha, I said holey and it stays). Six days you shall fuck me in the ass as well as give me facials, but the seventh day is a sabbath and therefor you must fuck me in the ass twice as long and maybe jizz on my face once or twice.

5. Honor your father and your mother, unless you are on trial for a pre-meditated murder in which case throw them under the bus at the very first opportunity and then use them as a reason not to give you the Death Penalty later.

6. You shall not murder. Unless your slutty ways don’t land you a marriage proposal and you get butt-hurt. If that happens murder all you want and then just blame it on whoever you killed later.

7. “You shall not tell the truth. About anything. Ever. You shall try and see how ridiculous of a story you can get away with telling while still having the simpler people believe you.

8. “You shall not steal anything that you can be caught with later. If you are going to steal something make sure you toss it in the desert when you are done.

9. “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. Anybody else on earth is fair game. Especially Ninjas, Skateboarders with screwdrivers, your parents, your ex-boyfriends and especially whoever you just murdered.

10. “You shall not covet your neighbor’s Strawberry Frappuccino or your neighbor’s Cinnabon or your neighbors doggie door. You shall not covet the position of other women that may be with your ex-boyfriend. While you shall not covet that, it is perfectly okay to stalk them both, just to make sure you do not covet that.

11. You shall not put much effort into working or doing anything productive with your life and instead you should focus on sponging off of your friends and family and hooking up with a rich dude who you can trick into marriage at some point.

12. You shall trace other actual artworks and pass them off as your own.

13. You shall use tootsie pops and pop-rocks for communion with me. You shall also wear really HAWT braids while taking communion in a bubble bath for I command it.

14. You shall use more and more perverse sexual acts to get whatever you want from someone. Anything goes as long as in the end it works.

 

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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law Gives Back

September 25, 2014

Apparently I’m Celibate; because I just don’t give a fuck – Arizona

Hai Kids. You know, the last couple of day I’ve been thinking a lot about poor Alfred E. Nurmi. Do you realize that the poor bastard has been trying to peace the fuck out since 2009! For five years he’s been trying to get the hell away from the special kind of crazy that is Stabby Einstein, and to a lessor extent, the beauty pageant contender and Stabby’s best friend Jenny from the Cell Block. I feel bad for poor old Alfred E. (spoiler: no I don’t.) Since I am an altruistic type psychopath as well a Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery of the RBMD School of Law, I thought I’d give poor old Nurmi a hand and write his closing arguments for him. Since the RBMD School of Law believes in giving back to the legal community and because Nurmi is obviously in WAAAAAY over his head, I decided he could use the help way more than any other fucktard defense attorney that is on my radar right now.

I spent hours working on Nurmi’s closing arguments(spoiler: no I didn’t)and came up with something that would very obviously sway a jury much quicker than anything he said. I really hope he appreciates the effort I have put into this. If anyone has his email and could send this to him I would appreciate it.

Alfred E. Nurmi’s Closing Argument: The State of Arizona v Stabby Anal Einstein

Objectionmayweapproach……..sorry! Habit! My bad.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury;

Fear, bullshit, insanity, and bat-shit craziness
These may not all be parts of the human condition, but they are DEFINITELY part of Stabby’s little world.
Because these parts of Stabby’s condition played such a big part in this relationship, obviously somebody was going to end up dead. DUH!!
This relationship ended tragically on June 4th 2008 with Travis being stabbed like his name was Janet Leigh and then almost having his head cut off and then just to be sure having a hole shot in his head.   All because my client, the defendant is a NUTBAG.

Your job as the Jury is to be the finder of fact.  Since that ship sailed as soon as Stabby opened her mouth, this would normally be the time where I try to confuse and confound you by droning on and on endlessly and scrambling the evidence around.  I decided that I am not going to do that. I’m pretty sure at least one of you probably wants to stuff one or all of Stabby’s wonder holes which is enough to hang the jury, so I am going to just tell the truth.

This trial is not about snow white, it’s not about the seven dwarfs, it’s not about strawberry Frapuccino’s or screwdriver skateboarder gangs or ninjas or weather patterns. What this trial is about is the wackadoo that I have had to put up with for way to goddamn long. Do you have any idea how long I have been trying to get away from this ho-bag? Since she decided to start having documents forged in an attempt to somehow explain why she almost cut someone’s head off and treated him like sushi tuna. I obviously failed my filing motions class because I filed at least 9 to have myself removed as council but I’m still here. What do I have to do, file a motion to be dead? Fuck!!

90 percent of the time, I hate this crazy bitch with a burning passion like I have never felt before. The other 10 percent of the time I absolutely despise the insanity sandwich that is Stabby, my esteemed co-council Jenny, Stabby’s fuck buddy Cha Cha Delarosa, and the shit show my entire life has become just because my name happened to be up for the next capital case.

I have done everything in my power to get this loud-mouthed know it all twat off the hook. I’m not a bad lawyer. I’m not. Have you seen what I have to work with here?  Have you?  Jesus Christ the bitch goes on TV, tells two different stories, pretty much dares you to convict her, makes up story number 3 for trial, brags to me that she forged documents, gets people to lie under oath during pre-trial, decides she is smarter than me, changes her mind when she gets caught with the forgeries, throws her parents and all her old boyfriends under the bus and ruins the reputation of a fine man.  Of course it never crossed her Einstein-y mind that you all might be able to see through the fog she tried to create and realize that the story she told was so ridiculous that a toddler would have said “Wait. What?”  Yup she’s Steven fucking Hawking.  Christ!!

I’ve had it. I have had to buy suits three different times during this trial just due to all the weight I’ve gained and then lost. I got a Christmas card from Golden Corral. People want me dead. A small child threw a milkshake at me the other day. My chair is suing me for pain and suffering. I’ve found myself making up words for no reason. I keep getting emails and phone calls from some crazy Sandra person telling me Stabby is innocent. When I say “No, she isn’t” she starts telling me about prosecutorial misconduct,people stealing Stabby’s murder money, how bloggers shouldn’t have press credentials unless it’s her, and some reporter who had a zit in grade 9.  Obviously, just like her idol Stabby, she just makes shit up.  I’m surrounded by fucking nutbags.  I’m spent ladies and gentlemen.   I just want to peace the fuck out, get some intensive therapy and start to forget that this ever happened.

I know the story she told on the stand makes no sense.  I know her expert witnesses lied, or were just idiots or both. I know that Travis was a good guy who was just torn between his religion and being a warm blooded sexual being.  I know that almost any man is going to take it if somebody is throwing it at him.  I know she has treated you like you are all stupid.  I get it.   But could you just let all that go for a second and think about me. Me, Alfred E. Nurmi. My career is in the toilet, I will forever be known as the asshole that defended the bitch that killed Travis Alexander, and truthfully ladies and gentlemen the bitch scares me a little…… Okay a lot!! If you cannot decide on a verdict then the Judge will have to sentence her and we can all go home. I want to go home. You have no idea how badly I want to go home.  And by home I mean the home I just purchased on the other side of the country. I’ve decided to become a garbage man. I will be doing exactly the same thing, just without the aggravation.

Cum Odio Adeo Laboraret Ut Canis. I hate this bitch so hard. Seriously, 4 years of Latin just so I could utter those words. And it feels SO GOOD!!!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and my heartfelt apologies that any of you had to sit through all of this bullshit.

 

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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law: Making the Most of Mitigating Factors and Other Defense Bullshit

September 24, 2014

How do you recycle from solitary confinement? – Arizona

Hello class. Please excuse my tardiness. OJ Simpson called and asked if I thought he might get time off if he offered himself as a marriage councilor in prison. It took me hours to explain that it was probably a bad idea.

Anyway, this evening we will cover Making the Most of Mitigating Factors and if time allows, what to tell the defendant when you can see the iceburg approaching.

If you have a defendant that has been busted dead to rights, nine out of ten times if they are going to fight the inevitable they will use an affirmative defense. See: the ninjas made me do it. Defendants who use an affirmative defense are found guilty more than 99% of the time (unless you live in Arizona or Florida, where you can cut off someone’s head and put it on a stick on your lawn and you still might get off)so it is best to start digging out the mitigating factors right away. Mitigating factors include but are not limited to: Abuse as a child, broken homes, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, basically all the abuses. If the defendant suffered any of these and you can get someone to say it under oath and they can lie believably that may be the difference between life and death. If the defendant is just batshit insane and butt-hurt because they got dumped or something you may have to become creative. It is your job as lawyers to do everything in your power to either quit this bitch or try and get them life in prison instead of the DP. If you are at the point where you are considering mitigating factors we will just assume that your motions to peace the fuck out fell on deaf ears because you were not paying attention during motions class. Remember, if you bribe the judge and nobody sees it, the ninjas did it and you were never there.

Creative mitigating factors can include, but are not limited to the following: The defendant potty trained early, the defendant is a vegan, the defendant is a really good gardener(don’t use this if you have a case where the body has not been found), the defendant likes cats, the defendant has never been laid, the defendants mothers cousins friends uncle is sick and giving the defendant the DP will hasten their death. These are all perfectly reasonable, viable mitigating factors. In the event that you can’t use any of these, I recommend just making shit up and seeing if it works. Hey, you never know! Things that have been made up in the past as mitigating factors: The defendant can trace really well, the defendant can grow hair, the defendant doesn’t like garbage, the defendant can read. I know they sound ridiculous but you have to at least look like you are trying something.

In the event that none of this works I suggest strongly that you have your defendant make fuck me-eyes at one or more of the more malleable Jurors. Constantly giving the Jury fuck me eyes will usually convince at least one of them that if the defendant is released they have a shot. This is especially useful if you have a female defendant and a juror that is old and decrepit enough that they A) haven’t had sex since Jesus was in pre-school and B) if you are lucky have the onset of some neurological disorder. Having the defendant fuck one or more of their expert witnesses is also always a good idea. Don’t want one of them growing a conscience on the stand.

Remember class, all you need is one Juror. Just one. If you or the defendant cannot convince one single Juror that the defendant either wants them desperately or that their mitigating factors are not perfectly valid, you totally picked the wrong jury and sucks to be you.

We will continue next class with how to use your Mitigation Specialist for fun and profit. Have a lovely night class.

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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law: Forgery, Perjury, Insanity. The Y strategies.

September 23, 2014

Kelly will be unable to attend class today as she has Ebola. Signed Kelly’s cousins friends doctor.-Arizona

Welcome back class to the Really Big Mean Dog School of Law. Todays class is going to focus solely on law terms that end in Y. We call it the Y defenses. Please take out your tablets and take notes because as always this portion may count for all, some, or none of your mark.

For brevities sake, we will use the term defendant from now on. We are going to focus today on some of the more common things that come up in courtrooms. Unfortunately, some of you are going to have defendants that are more Einstein-y than the others. These Defendants will be a major pain in the ass and will cause you an unusual amount of headaches. They don’t understand the term suborning perjury. They don’t understand the term sanctions. They don’t understand the term inadmissible. They just know that they are smarter than everybody else in the history of ever and any “evidence” that they can manufacture should be admissible. They don’t care that you can be disbarred for it.

There are many very good reasons that certain evidence may not be admitted during a proceeding. It can be deemed too inflammatory. The court can find that there is no foundation for the evidence. This means that there is no background story to the evidence and alone it would be very easy to take it out of context. Evidence can be deemed inadmissible because of the way it was collected, or because it was contaminated. Evidence can also be deemed inadmissible because the Einstein-y defendant knew they were about to understand the term truly fucked and they made some shit up and tried to pass it off as evidence.

Defendants, especially the ones that claim an affirmative defense (see, defense of others, self-defense, a ninja made me do it) will very often manufacture evidence if it looks like things are not going their way. This is where forgery, our first Y defense comes into play. Often, proof can be offered by using letters to prove a statement or statements. This professors opinion is that if someone is stupid enough to admit on paper that they have committed some heinous act, then they pretty much deserve for someone to turn them in. Unfortunately, most people that commit crimes are not stupid enough to write it down for us. If a defendant, especially the pain in the ass defendants think they can slip by a couple or ten forged documents that basically prove every aspect of their affirmative defense, they will attempt to do it. This maneuver almost always needs an accomplice and that would be where perjury comes in.

Perjury is the act of knowingly providing false evidence under oath. Perjury is a huge no-no and the perjurer will be charged. If a lawyer knowingly solicits perjured testimony during trial, they are guilty of suborning perjury and in almost all states it is punishable by disbarment. (Except Arizona, you just get sent to bed without supper there.) In order to pull off the forgery part, the client will ask someone to commit perjury in order to lay foundation for the forged evidence. This person might or might not be someone the client had all kinds of anal sex with in order to gain their co-operation. The job of the perjurer is to go to one of the pre-trial hearings and swear that they saw whatever the defendant is claiming happened or saw the aftermath. They are also handy for producing the forged documents if the defendant is already behind bars. Here is where the lawyers conundrum occurs. For those of you that are going to be defense attorneys please pay special attention. It is now very easy to find out if a document is forged. Unless you have a master forger on your hands, which is a lot more rare than you would think, simple handwriting analysis will out your forger. You may also have a defendant that just feels a need to share their brilliance and will flat out tell you that they had the documents forged. Either way, you are now aware that you have a forged document and that the witness has committed perjury. You cannot, unless you don’t want to be a lawyer anymore, call that witness to testify and the documents cannot be entered into evidence. Be prepared because once you tell that to the defendant they will immediately call you a semi literate fat ass and tell the presiding Judge that they want to represent themselves. That will cause you some more annoyance and in the end the documents will not be admitted into evidence anyway. I recommend padding your bill with assorted motions at this time just for the aggravation of it all. File motions to seal, motions to quash, motions to be removed as council. None of them will be granted, but you get extra cash and it will stall the inevitable a little bit more.

When forgery and perjury fail to work, the defendant will usually pull out some incantation of our last Y. Insanity. Now, in many defendants, insanity is a stretch and will be discarded almost immediately. It is only with the Einstein-y defendants that the insanity ploy will be played out. This could manifest in forms including but not limited to: fake suicide attempts, blaming people that weren’t there, claiming that they have absolutely no memory of the incident and claiming temporary insanity due to extenuating circumstances. The very large pain in the ass defendants may try a combination of all of the above. They may even try and get some expert testimony using a combination of depraved sexual acts in exchange for the above. We then again fall into the perjury conundrum. You as attorneys are going to have to wade through all the bullshit that the Einstein-y defendant throws at you to come to some reasonable version of the truth. Unless of course you are defense attorneys in which case you can forget the last statement and just go with the most believable lie of all the bullshit the defendant comes up with.

That concludes todays Class. For next class we will be discussing how to convince witnesses not to testify by threatening to tell the truth about them. Have a good night. Class dismissed.

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