No! I am not shooting at an intruder in my bathroom Mi’Lady – South Africa
Hey kids. I’m back. I just want you to know that because I love you all so much ( and totally not because of persistent insomnia) I stayed up all night to bring you the verdict from the first trial I have ever had to have translated from English to English. And just for the record, if I hear mi’ lady one more time I will projectile vomit I swear.
Let’s recap mmmmkay? Poor Oscar Pistorius is apparently a complete pussy. I mean a 10 on the Richter Scale pussy. And a dick. Just sayin’. Which probably explains why he can run so fast and has a penchant for automatic weapons. So anyway, Oscar and his beautiful girlfriend Reeva were at his house on Valentines eve. While moving a fan because he was still awake because the blue light as opposed to any other light on the amplifier was bothering him, Pusstorius (yup I went there and I’m keeping it) heard the boogey man or bigfoot or some shit. Because in the universe I inhabit, calling security, you know, the ones at the security gate is just a stupid idea; he immediately tied a dew rag around his head, held onto a bowie knife with his teeth and went into Rambo Mode. After adjusting his night vision goggles he crept up on the closed and locked bathroom door, and because closed doors are just wrong man, he opened fire with an automatic weapon. He killed that door really good. It was as he was phoning his taxidermy guy that he noticed that Reeva was not in bed. Just in case the door wasn’t 100 percent dead, he decided to beat it to death with a cricket bat. It was not until he had totally killed the door that he realized Reeva hadn’t just magically vanished into the fog(see what I did there?) Oh my god a shocked; SHOCKED I tell you, Pusstorius said. REEEEEEEVA! He picked up his girlfriend and carried her downstairs because why the fuck not. Maybe the light down there was better or something. Anyway, Reeva was quite dead, and since the zombie virus is sorely lacking in South Africa she remained that way. Oscar swore vehemently that it was just a sad accident that it had been Reeva and not just some random person in his bathroom.
Now, as absolutely ridiculous as this whole story is, the prosecution still has some problems. The biggest one being that the cops in Pretoria seem to like shiny things. They stole some shit and that led to accusations of evidence tampering because Pusstorius knew his story stank like really good limburger so he needed to muddy the waters.
I have analyzed every statement Pusstorius has ever made about this case and there are so many inconsistencies, changes and outright bald faced bullshit that it boggles the mind. He’s lying. I’m hoping that the judge saw through it. The South African Judiciary fascinates me, I’m really hoping it works.
Here is what it comes down to for the judge.
While we wait FOREVER, here are some things that should not exist – a Group called Pistorians. Obviously Pusstorius supporters, almost all women and probably some hot gay men. Someone tell me why we are not ruled by apes. Anyone? Bueller?
The Justice for Stabby web site – This is why we can’t have nice things.
People that will believe anything – We can only hope Darwin was correct
Guilty on the gun charges, Guilty on the ammunition charges – Now Pusstorius’ explanation is being re-read into the record. Now we are reading war and peace into the record. Or something. I don’t know for sure I may have been unconscious from boredom. The Judge just actually read her punctuation into the record close bracket elipses. Annnnd a dog barked. IN. THE. COURTROOM. Fun place Pretoria. Not guilty of Premeditated murder. OMFG now we are taking an early lunch. It is 6:30 my time and I have been awake for way to many hours. The sacrifices I make for you guys.
Thank God Mi’Lady is back. I was getting concerned. Court is back in session. Pusstorius has failed the reasonable man test for negligent homicide. And the Judge stopped there and recessed till tomorrow at half past nine which in Pretoria is whatever o’clock. That’s it for this one today kids, guess I’m pulling another all nighter.
And a special shout out to my buddy Stabby’s Pencil for rocking the Casbah with me for most of this day of the verdict. If there ever is…a verdict….ever.