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Welcome to the RBMD School Of Law – Permanent Vegetative Scaredy-Catatonia as a Defense- South African Edition

 

Hold me Pencil, I’m Scared. – South Africa

Pistorius pic

Good Morning Class.  Welcome to the Really Big Mean Dog School of Law.  Please take your seats and get out your tablets you are going to want to write this down.  It will be on your final exam and it either might or might not count for some, all  or none of your mark.  After todays lesson there will also be a short presentation of this law as it is used today.

There is a small mistake in the syllabus. We will be starting with a South African case and working our way back. Everyone clear? Okay.

In South Africa, because it is such a densely populated country and there is much violence, it is expected that there may be a few individuals who experience moments of extreme terror. Also, there are lions. But, it is not enough for them to experience simply moments of extreme terror as seen in Poe V Raven Pages 247 to 249 Open Bracket (c 1815) close bracket  It clearly, or not, states that to meet the burden of proof for Permanent Vegetative Scaredy-Catatonia – Otherwise known as the {you are a huge Pussy defense} the person suffering from the affliction must have proven to the courts three things.  Unless it’s two.
One – You must prove to the courts satisfaction that you are indeed worth a whole shit load of money and/or you are famous. Part B You must be a raging narcissist.
Two – You must be able to come up with a plausible at least at first glance story about what happened.
Three – You have to be enough of a sociopath to be able to come up with it fast and be able to stick to it.
If these three things are met you may be found not culpable due to diminished capacity due to Permanent Vegetative Scaredy Catatonia.

We will now take a 5-55 minute toilet break.  Please remember to unload your weapons and check them at the toilet door. For those of you who return before the end of the bathroom brrrreak, please feel free to copy down the notes on another strange law case we will be studying later in the year. It is in the syllabus under State of AZ v Stabby Arias. This section will deal only with filing motions infinitum to delay a trial. This is a ruse some of you are going to be employing once you become lawyers.

Stbby motion

Welcome back everyone. Did everyone remember to pick up their automatic weapons on the way back to class? Please keep your weapons fully loaded with the safety off in case of a lion, or intruder, or that dog from last night breaks into the classroom.

Now back to class. In a case where a shot is fired from a vehicle and it has been proven that a shot was fired; you still have to prove exactly where the shot was fired, where the bullet landed, exactly what speed it was travelling at, and there must be more than exactly two witnesses that the shot was fired in order to convict the accused. Unless you are just a regular person OR you do not suffer from Permanent Vegetative Scaredy Catatonia. Spoiler – If you are not rich or famous – you cannot claim diminished capacity due to permanent vegetative Scaredy Catatonia.

In the case of a shot being popped off in a crowded restaurant; in the event that unfortunately there is a restaurant full of people that saw/heard it happen and they know bloody well that you did it, the court cannot as much as it wants to find you not guilty of that discharge of a firearm. Even if you do suffer with the above mentioned affliction. Nothing can be done. Sorry. Sucks to be you. However, in the case where the accused has been found guilty of the above charge and has been found to have diminished capacity due to Permanent Vegetative Scaredy Catatonia – a sentence of anywhere from don’t be such a dumbass next time to are you really that stupid that you didn’t pay off the witnesses do it now is warranted and will likely be passed by the presiding judge.

In the case of being caught with ammunition that you are not allowed to have the firearms act provides that no person shall possess any ammunition unless they hold a license for that firearm, a dealers license, transit permit, or is otherwise authorized. 121.a Provides they are guilty of the act if they fail to comply with any provision of this act. If the accused admits he had the ammunition but says that he is not in violation of the act if he has qualified for the above Permanent Vegetative Scaredy Catatonia and the judge thinks you are so hawt you must be found not guilty. Again if you are just a regular person pack the KY because you are fucked.

As for any murder charges that might be brought due to firing through a closed bathroom door you must prove to the courts satisfaction Numbers 1, 2, and 3 of the affliction of Diminished Capacity due to Permanent Vegetative scaredy Catatonia and that there are no eye-witnesses in order to be found not guilty of murder. That does not however render you innocent of killing someone, it just means there is a loop-hole as there has always been for the rich and famous. You will instead be found guilty of culpable homicide. For the rich and famous that are found guilty of culpable homicide – don’t even worry about it you can immediately appeal and make bail again. Once you have been found guilty you can sit your ass down while the presiding judge deals with any housekeeping matters just to give you a break from standing.

Okay class, we will once again take a 5 or 55 minute break depending on how fast I do or don’t feel like coming back. Don’t worry, we will get to the actual punishment for someone with diminished capacity due to Permanent Vegetative Scaredy Catatonia. When I get back. Or don’t.

Welcome back class. Getting back to culpable homicide. Once the accused has been found of Culpable Homicide due to Permanent Vegetative Scaredy Catatonia the crown will then stand up and ask the court to yank the convicted but not yet sentenced persons bail, but not to strenuously. They will most likely bring up some insignificant things to make it sound like they are really asking for bail to be yanked but they really aren’t. The convicted person should not be alarmed. There lawyer will then have a turn to argue for continued bail to make it look better for the crown. You as lawyers must learn to make deals quietly during boozy lunches or the exchanges of large gifts. Think of it as early Christmas.

Once continued bail has been assigned so your client or the convicted depending on what side you are on has been assured you can all leave the courtroom and wait for a long sentence date. If the accused has been convicted of Permanent Vegetative Scaredy Catatonia they can rest assured they will most likely not serve a single day in Jail.

Tomorrow we will discuss Dragging a Trial out Infinitum and How to Prove a Multiple Personality Defense

Class dismissed.

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7 Responses to Welcome to the RBMD School Of Law – Permanent Vegetative Scaredy-Catatonia as a Defense- South African Edition

  1. Deb says:

    Thank you so much for this tantalizing tutorial…I think I’m going to now request to take the Bar exam in NYS, if you will so kindly provide me with a diploma from the RBMD extension program of Yale Law School. The check may/or may not be in the mail. Once again, thanks!

  2. reallybigmeandog says:

    Deb. Congratulations, you may or may not have passed the bar. I suggest boning up on bozzy lunches just in case. Your diploma should or should not be in the mail within 5 to 455 days. Thank you for attending.

  3. reallybigmeandog says:

    That would be boozy, I am vey tired.

    • Deb says:

      Thanks for the clarification! For a moment there, I thought you were telling me to study the unmatched legal skills of bozo baez in case I get a death penalty case and have a slutty baby killer for a client, 😉

  4. sandymetter says:

    Hilarious, as always! Love, love, love the way your mind works!

  5. peony2 says:

    Seems there needs to be a note on how dangerous bathrooms have become – since both the Hodi incident and the Pusstorius infections both took place in one…………….

    I guess when the judge and jury system relies on 200 year old history to make a decision perhaps “clown college” would be a better resource for justice to be done –

    Another Whackadoodle trial will commence shortly – Rocco Magnotta – who likes to cut up room-mates and then send the parcels of parts to the government via the postal service – charming young fellow – like Pusstorius.

  6. reallybigmeandog says:

    Yup. Magnotta is our very own homegrown wackadoo. Haven’t had one since bernardo.

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