The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law: Making the Most of Mitigating Factors and Other Defense Bullshit

September 24, 2014

How do you recycle from solitary confinement? – Arizona

Hello class. Please excuse my tardiness. OJ Simpson called and asked if I thought he might get time off if he offered himself as a marriage councilor in prison. It took me hours to explain that it was probably a bad idea.

Anyway, this evening we will cover Making the Most of Mitigating Factors and if time allows, what to tell the defendant when you can see the iceburg approaching.

If you have a defendant that has been busted dead to rights, nine out of ten times if they are going to fight the inevitable they will use an affirmative defense. See: the ninjas made me do it. Defendants who use an affirmative defense are found guilty more than 99% of the time (unless you live in Arizona or Florida, where you can cut off someone’s head and put it on a stick on your lawn and you still might get off)so it is best to start digging out the mitigating factors right away. Mitigating factors include but are not limited to: Abuse as a child, broken homes, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, basically all the abuses. If the defendant suffered any of these and you can get someone to say it under oath and they can lie believably that may be the difference between life and death. If the defendant is just batshit insane and butt-hurt because they got dumped or something you may have to become creative. It is your job as lawyers to do everything in your power to either quit this bitch or try and get them life in prison instead of the DP. If you are at the point where you are considering mitigating factors we will just assume that your motions to peace the fuck out fell on deaf ears because you were not paying attention during motions class. Remember, if you bribe the judge and nobody sees it, the ninjas did it and you were never there.

Creative mitigating factors can include, but are not limited to the following: The defendant potty trained early, the defendant is a vegan, the defendant is a really good gardener(don’t use this if you have a case where the body has not been found), the defendant likes cats, the defendant has never been laid, the defendants mothers cousins friends uncle is sick and giving the defendant the DP will hasten their death. These are all perfectly reasonable, viable mitigating factors. In the event that you can’t use any of these, I recommend just making shit up and seeing if it works. Hey, you never know! Things that have been made up in the past as mitigating factors: The defendant can trace really well, the defendant can grow hair, the defendant doesn’t like garbage, the defendant can read. I know they sound ridiculous but you have to at least look like you are trying something.

In the event that none of this works I suggest strongly that you have your defendant make fuck me-eyes at one or more of the more malleable Jurors. Constantly giving the Jury fuck me eyes will usually convince at least one of them that if the defendant is released they have a shot. This is especially useful if you have a female defendant and a juror that is old and decrepit enough that they A) haven’t had sex since Jesus was in pre-school and B) if you are lucky have the onset of some neurological disorder. Having the defendant fuck one or more of their expert witnesses is also always a good idea. Don’t want one of them growing a conscience on the stand.

Remember class, all you need is one Juror. Just one. If you or the defendant cannot convince one single Juror that the defendant either wants them desperately or that their mitigating factors are not perfectly valid, you totally picked the wrong jury and sucks to be you.

We will continue next class with how to use your Mitigation Specialist for fun and profit. Have a lovely night class.

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