Apparently I’m Celibate; because I just don’t give a fuck – Arizona
Hai Kids. You know, the last couple of day I’ve been thinking a lot about poor Alfred E. Nurmi. Do you realize that the poor bastard has been trying to peace the fuck out since 2009! For five years he’s been trying to get the hell away from the special kind of crazy that is Stabby Einstein, and to a lessor extent, the beauty pageant contender and Stabby’s best friend Jenny from the Cell Block. I feel bad for poor old Alfred E. (spoiler: no I don’t.) Since I am an altruistic type psychopath as well a Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery of the RBMD School of Law, I thought I’d give poor old Nurmi a hand and write his closing arguments for him. Since the RBMD School of Law believes in giving back to the legal community and because Nurmi is obviously in WAAAAAY over his head, I decided he could use the help way more than any other fucktard defense attorney that is on my radar right now.
I spent hours working on Nurmi’s closing arguments(spoiler: no I didn’t)and came up with something that would very obviously sway a jury much quicker than anything he said. I really hope he appreciates the effort I have put into this. If anyone has his email and could send this to him I would appreciate it.
Alfred E. Nurmi’s Closing Argument: The State of Arizona v Stabby Anal Einstein
Objectionmayweapproach……..sorry! Habit! My bad.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury;
Fear, bullshit, insanity, and bat-shit craziness
These may not all be parts of the human condition, but they are DEFINITELY part of Stabby’s little world.
Because these parts of Stabby’s condition played such a big part in this relationship, obviously somebody was going to end up dead. DUH!!
This relationship ended tragically on June 4th 2008 with Travis being stabbed like his name was Janet Leigh and then almost having his head cut off and then just to be sure having a hole shot in his head. All because my client, the defendant is a NUTBAG.
Your job as the Jury is to be the finder of fact. Since that ship sailed as soon as Stabby opened her mouth, this would normally be the time where I try to confuse and confound you by droning on and on endlessly and scrambling the evidence around. I decided that I am not going to do that. I’m pretty sure at least one of you probably wants to stuff one or all of Stabby’s wonder holes which is enough to hang the jury, so I am going to just tell the truth.
This trial is not about snow white, it’s not about the seven dwarfs, it’s not about strawberry Frapuccino’s or screwdriver skateboarder gangs or ninjas or weather patterns. What this trial is about is the wackadoo that I have had to put up with for way to goddamn long. Do you have any idea how long I have been trying to get away from this ho-bag? Since she decided to start having documents forged in an attempt to somehow explain why she almost cut someone’s head off and treated him like sushi tuna. I obviously failed my filing motions class because I filed at least 9 to have myself removed as council but I’m still here. What do I have to do, file a motion to be dead? Fuck!!
90 percent of the time, I hate this crazy bitch with a burning passion like I have never felt before. The other 10 percent of the time I absolutely despise the insanity sandwich that is Stabby, my esteemed co-council Jenny, Stabby’s fuck buddy Cha Cha Delarosa, and the shit show my entire life has become just because my name happened to be up for the next capital case.
I have done everything in my power to get this loud-mouthed know it all twat off the hook. I’m not a bad lawyer. I’m not. Have you seen what I have to work with here? Have you? Jesus Christ the bitch goes on TV, tells two different stories, pretty much dares you to convict her, makes up story number 3 for trial, brags to me that she forged documents, gets people to lie under oath during pre-trial, decides she is smarter than me, changes her mind when she gets caught with the forgeries, throws her parents and all her old boyfriends under the bus and ruins the reputation of a fine man. Of course it never crossed her Einstein-y mind that you all might be able to see through the fog she tried to create and realize that the story she told was so ridiculous that a toddler would have said “Wait. What?” Yup she’s Steven fucking Hawking. Christ!!
I’ve had it. I have had to buy suits three different times during this trial just due to all the weight I’ve gained and then lost. I got a Christmas card from Golden Corral. People want me dead. A small child threw a milkshake at me the other day. My chair is suing me for pain and suffering. I’ve found myself making up words for no reason. I keep getting emails and phone calls from some crazy Sandra person telling me Stabby is innocent. When I say “No, she isn’t” she starts telling me about prosecutorial misconduct,people stealing Stabby’s murder money, how bloggers shouldn’t have press credentials unless it’s her, and some reporter who had a zit in grade 9. Obviously, just like her idol Stabby, she just makes shit up. I’m surrounded by fucking nutbags. I’m spent ladies and gentlemen. I just want to peace the fuck out, get some intensive therapy and start to forget that this ever happened.
I know the story she told on the stand makes no sense. I know her expert witnesses lied, or were just idiots or both. I know that Travis was a good guy who was just torn between his religion and being a warm blooded sexual being. I know that almost any man is going to take it if somebody is throwing it at him. I know she has treated you like you are all stupid. I get it. But could you just let all that go for a second and think about me. Me, Alfred E. Nurmi. My career is in the toilet, I will forever be known as the asshole that defended the bitch that killed Travis Alexander, and truthfully ladies and gentlemen the bitch scares me a little…… Okay a lot!! If you cannot decide on a verdict then the Judge will have to sentence her and we can all go home. I want to go home. You have no idea how badly I want to go home. And by home I mean the home I just purchased on the other side of the country. I’ve decided to become a garbage man. I will be doing exactly the same thing, just without the aggravation.
Cum Odio Adeo Laboraret Ut Canis. I hate this bitch so hard. Seriously, 4 years of Latin just so I could utter those words. And it feels SO GOOD!!!
Thank you ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and my heartfelt apologies that any of you had to sit through all of this bullshit.