The Stabby Commandments.

September 26, 2014

Just assured myself assigned seating in hell-Arizona


Hai everybody. So, guess what I spent the evening doing? Like many of you, I watched the Stabby-a-thon on HLN. Nancy Grace grates on my nerves almost as much as having to listen to Stabby speak, but since this is what I do for a living, I couldn’t not watch. I was going to write something else tonight, but I had a request from Stabby’s Pencil and since I love Stabby’s Pencil I had to do it.

During the torture session that was the Stabby-a-thon, she mentioned following the commandments about 70 bajillion times. I was confused for a moment. I am familiar with the 10 commandments so my confusion was for very obvious reasons. I even pulled out a bible to make sure I wasn’t remembering them wrong. It was as I was reading them that I realized what the problem was. Stabby would never follow anything as pedestrian as the Bibles 10 commandments. This was the problem all along. I called on Stabby’s Diary, and sure enough I found what I was looking for.
In the interest of justice, I have provided the commandments she was talking about for all of you.

I am the Queen of the Universe, who brought you out of California, out of the land of Birkenstocks with tube socks. I give unto you the commandments of the Queen of The Universe so that you may follow them.

1. You shall know no other people that are prettier, smarter or sluttier than me.

2. You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below that isn’t me. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them unless they are me, for I, the Queen of the Universe, am a crazy jealous narcissistic whore, punishing any guy who gets all yelly, or grilly, or who I think may be checking out some other woman. I will confirm by hacking your email or peeking in your windows, or crawling through your doggy door as is my wish and then I will stab you 27 times and try and cut your head off and shoot you just for good measure. You have been warned.

3. You shall not misuse the name of the Queen of the Universe by calling me things like Hodi, Stabby, or Scarias. I’m still pretty ok with three hole wonder. I will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses my slutty names. I will have people stalk your social media, and make up stories about you, and have them complain about your press credentials as is my wish.

4. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holey (ha, I said holey and it stays). Six days you shall fuck me in the ass as well as give me facials, but the seventh day is a sabbath and therefor you must fuck me in the ass twice as long and maybe jizz on my face once or twice.

5. Honor your father and your mother, unless you are on trial for a pre-meditated murder in which case throw them under the bus at the very first opportunity and then use them as a reason not to give you the Death Penalty later.

6. You shall not murder. Unless your slutty ways don’t land you a marriage proposal and you get butt-hurt. If that happens murder all you want and then just blame it on whoever you killed later.

7. “You shall not tell the truth. About anything. Ever. You shall try and see how ridiculous of a story you can get away with telling while still having the simpler people believe you.

8. “You shall not steal anything that you can be caught with later. If you are going to steal something make sure you toss it in the desert when you are done.

9. “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. Anybody else on earth is fair game. Especially Ninjas, Skateboarders with screwdrivers, your parents, your ex-boyfriends and especially whoever you just murdered.

10. “You shall not covet your neighbor’s Strawberry Frappuccino or your neighbor’s Cinnabon or your neighbors doggie door. You shall not covet the position of other women that may be with your ex-boyfriend. While you shall not covet that, it is perfectly okay to stalk them both, just to make sure you do not covet that.

11. You shall not put much effort into working or doing anything productive with your life and instead you should focus on sponging off of your friends and family and hooking up with a rich dude who you can trick into marriage at some point.

12. You shall trace other actual artworks and pass them off as your own.

13. You shall use tootsie pops and pop-rocks for communion with me. You shall also wear really HAWT braids while taking communion in a bubble bath for I command it.

14. You shall use more and more perverse sexual acts to get whatever you want from someone. Anything goes as long as in the end it works.


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