Wait, what? It’s gonna start on time?-Arizona
Hai Kids. Believe it or not, it looks like Jury selection is going to start tomorrow. Just..like…Judge…Stephens…said. I am frightened and confused by this turn of events. Nothing ever starts on time with Stabby and the Funky Bunch. She has the king of motions on her side and he has run out of motions to file………WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??????? I don’t know how to deal with this. I think I need a Prozac and a hug.
Since Judge Stephens has started the “We hate media tour” I have to bring out the in-house psychic. The in-house Psychic is not amused. Also, just in case the in-house psychic has another hissy fit about damaging her brain, we have Jen from Trial Diaries updating us on twitter. Not the same, but it is better than nothing. Seriously. It is!! Work with me here people.
I am apparently giving certain “bloggers” who shall remain nameless *cough* pig-vomit *cough* fits, and all I have to say about that is YAY!!
Since we don’t have much else to do on the eve of Stabby’s journey to the gurney (credit for that is not mine, I saw it on twitter but don’t remember who started it) I thought I would tell all of you an Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story. Grab whatever you’re drinking and pull up a chair.
Once upon a time in the land of Maricopa County Court, The wisest King to ever rule lived. King Juan was revered throughout the land as a wise and just ruler. Even outside the land of Maricopa County Court, King Juan’s heroic rule was known and loved by all. King Juan had gone to battle and beaten the evil monster Stabby. King Juan had four daughters, two sets of fraternal twins. The first set, Jen and Christine pleased King Juan and the subjects of the court when they both became brilliant journalists. There were celebrations throughout the land when they got their press credentials. Pencil and Kelly were the other set of fraternal twins. They were loved through-out the land for the truth of what they said as well as their very twisted yet hilariously funny sense of humor. No matter how sad or terrible the situation might be, Pencil and Kelly could be counted on to raise the spirits of the land with their take on the situation. The sisters all cared about each other and always had each others backs. King Juan could not have been more proud of his daughters. Every year around whatever o’clock the whole land was invited to an ice-cream party in Vegas to celebrate the rule of the wise and noble King, as well as his insanely talented and very well known children.
Unfortunately, a wicked and crazy troll named Pig-Vomit and her five dim-witted minions with one hundred and fifty email addresses also lived on the very fringe of the Maricopa County Court. Pig-Vomit very vocally despised King Juan and all of the princesses, but especially Jen and Christine. The problem was that Pig-vomit fancied herself a journalist. The fact that she could not write anything other than pure bullshit never, ever deterred her. Pig-Vomit was not especially bright, and she got it into her head that if she wrote it down and got the five dim-witted minions with one hundred and fifty emails addresses to comment on it, she was a real-timey Journalist. She named her “writings” IncoherentRamblings. She cackled maniacally at her journalistic brilliance. She had herself convinced that she was a real journalist until word of Princess Jen and Princess Christine’s real journalistic endeavors got to her. From that moment on she did nothing but write stuff that could only be described as the rantings of a lunatic and plot how to ruin the reputations of King Juan and the princesses. King Juan was not worried about his reputation at all because he knew Pig-Vomit was just a jealous used up old hag that had lost touch with reality when her spirit animal Stabby refused to acknowledge her. He, and all the subjects in the land knew that her writing was so insane that only the mentally deficient would give it a moments thought. He was however concerned for his daughters. He mentioned it to his personal guard Sir Esteban, and Sir Esteban immediately started to gather evidence against Pig-Vomit. It was fairly easy considering that Pig-Vomit just could not keep the bat-shit crazy to herself and she spewed crap all over social media. She also apparently didn’t know what a screen capture was. Sir Esteban reported all of his findings back to King Juan. King Juan was incensed at the things that Pig-Vomit was saying about his daughters. He was so angry he began to pace and snarl. Sir Esteban threw him a good boy treat and that settled him down a bit.
Once King Juan thought about it for a bit he calmed down. His subjects as well as all of the thousands of messages he had gotten from outside of the kingdom told him that the entire world knew what a crazy jealous psycho bitch pig-vomit was. Essentially the whole planet thought the bitch was nuts. King Juan also knew that the knights of the prosecution table were always watching out for them. He knew they would be safe when he made his journey into the second circle of hell to do battle with Pig-Vomit’s spirit animal Stabby. The knights, Happy, Tie, Chair, MMC, RT, Chaz, Anna, G, PIckles, CJ and several others were always with the sisters. Knight Happy was worried about Kelly and Pencil and warned Kelly to watch out when she ventured forth to post her blog each day. Kelly assured Happy that she and Pencil were okay, it was the famous sisters that Pig-Vomit was after. Happy, gather the rest of the knights of the prosecution table and look after Jen and Christine. Happy hugged princess Kelly and peaced the fuck out to find the rest of the knights.
Pig-Vomit was getting desperate. As usual, Kelly and Pencil were right, she was bent on the destruction of Jen and Christine. In her insane mind, she thought that if she could get hold of one of their press credentials, King Juan would magically love her and would grant her title of reporter of the court, as well as making her Queen of Maricopa County Court. She was getting more and more desperate. Her spirit animal Stabby would not acknowledge her for all the lies she had made up to try and get Stabby free, Jen and Christine seemed not to be even slightly bothered by the things Pig-Vomit spewed forth in her “writings”, the five dim-witted minions with one hundred and fifty email addresses were not switching identities with any enthusiasm what-so-ever and Kelly and Pencil were slowly and inexorably making her look like an even bigger idiot than she already looked like.
Pig-Vomit in a last ditch effort called one last time on the demon at the bottom of the vodka bottle. Dreat Gemon she intoned, I need to discredit all the princesses. What should I do? The Vodka Demon thought on it for a minute. Did you try making shit up about King Juan having an affair it asked. She nodded at the empty vodka bottle. How about questioning the journalistic s integrity of Jen and Christine? Pig-vomit nodded again. Did you accuse any of them of knowing the truth about your spirit animal Stabby and not telling it. Pig-Vomit nodded again. The demon was perplexed. How about prosecutorial misconduct, or have you implied that King Juan might be hiding evidence? Pig-Vomit was looking desperate now. The demon seemed to care a lot less than she thought it should, so she smacked it with a flounder and told it to pay attention. It shrugged. Have you called everybody haters? Stalked them on social media? How about trying to get your spirit animal Stabby interested by telling it that somebody is stealing her murder money and you were the one that uncovered it? Nothin’? The Demon shrugged one last time. Well, it said, I guess it sucks to be you. I gotta go, Judge Stephens has called to restock the sidebar. The Demon disappeared in a puff of smoke and Pig-Vomit realized she was alone. She shook her head and howled. In a moment of clarity she realized that the five dim-witted minions had also never existed and it had been her and her multiple personalities with one hundred and fifty different email addresses all along.
Kelly and Pencil had figured out how to deal with Pig-Vomit. Six nice men in white coats showed up at Pig-Vomits door. She was so excited to see actual men that she didn’t look outside to see the waiting paddy wagon. The gentlemen asked her if she would like to go have a nice dance lesson at the Cha-Cha Delarosa School of Dance. Pig-Vomit was trembling with excitement. One of the men offered to get her coat. She slipped it on and the man chivalrously did it up for her in the back nice and tight. They escorted her to her waiting chariot and assured her that of course they could stop for a strawberry Frappuccino on the way. Pig Vomit was quietly committed to the Sheriff Joe House of Psychiatric Hold and Indefinite Incarceration and was never heard from again. Nobody noticed she was even gone. The end.
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