Think I’ll just go and maybe hide the sharp instruments- Arizona
Hai kids. This whole media blackout thing is starting to drive me a little Ubatz. I mean tweets are ok, but you don’t really get the essence of what’s truly going on in the courtroom. Since I happen to hold a thousand year non-negotiable contract of indentured servitude on one in house psychic, things are a little easier for us.
The Really Big Mean Dog School Of Law will be undergoing renovations. Chaz has graciously offered to design our school seal and I have secured the rights to our new school song. It will be played at the beginning of each class. We will all stand, face Clearwater Florida and salute with our middle fingers(non-jacked fingers only please) while we sing. Learn the song. It’s on the exam.
Before we get to my ever so pissed off in-house psychic a few quick questions. First, is there anything that you guys want me to cover? There just isn’t much going on with Stabby right now and there are some other trials. It matters not to me, nothing is seriously grabbing my interest but if you want to hear about something let me know and I will try and cover it for you. Second? On a website that shares my blog I saw a couple of comments that my language is offensive. One actually wanted to know how I functioned in day to day life talking like this. Not by anyone from here, someone that reads my blog off another site. It’s not on purpose or for shock value it is just the way I think and talk. I just wondered if it was just a couple of people or other people found it off putting? I don’t give a fuck I was just curious. Third. I dug up a shit ton of stuff about PV. Show of hands for who is interested in a blog about that?
Without further interruption I bring you the really bitchy in-house psychic.
You know you can suck it right Kelly. Waking me up at 7am. AM! What the fuck is so important that I need to be awake at 7 in the morning.
Ya know what, I don’t sleep ever in case you haven’t noticed so can you just quit your bitching and give the people what they want. Christ on a cracker, you’d think I made you do this every goddamn day.
Wait, what? The gang is here? Uhhhh, totally was just joking about that whole Kelly can suck it thing and 7am is a perfectly reasonable time of day to be awake.
Anyway, my boss, who I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for asked that I try and get a reading on some of the main players in the courtroom today. Which of course I did. It was slightly difficult because of a couple of jurors who were projecting so hard I almost didn’t need to be psychic to hear what they were thinking. I’d kill the bitch right now, on camera and Id probably get a metal was from one, and the other was slightly more disturbing with a chant of die,die,die,die,die,die,die,die.
First up was Jenny From the Cell Block. She looks more and more like a balding Sarah Palin everyday. She was difficult because she was completely stoned which screws with the reception, but I eventually got it. Fuck, I have to get up and do this shit? Why isn’t Mr. first chair doing this? Oh yeah, he hates Stabby, which I totally don’t get. How could anyone hate such a sweet girl and one who was so obviously abused………bwahahahahaha I can’t even think that to myself without laughing. There is not enough weed in the world to deal with this shit. Maybe I can call in with a migraine, or hey maybe Ebola, I could probably get away with that right now. How long is this going to go, I’m supposed to meet my dealer at 4. Shit.
I tried Nurmi next. He was crying in his head, so I thought I’d give him a moment. I moved on to Juan. Juan was easy. Oh bitch you are so going down. I have ten peremptory strikes so if you think any of your Stabbyites are getting on this jury you are more out of your mind than you already are. Drag it out as long as you want sweetie. You want debased, wait till you see what I do with you once the trial starts. I will have you crying like Starbucks closed down. You want to bring in new evidence, I have so much actual evidence to refute anything you could possibly try and do to save yourself they might just hook you up to the triple pump right here in the courtroom. Oh and just as an aside, when your stun belt goes off “accidentally” I paid the court officer 50 bucks to slip. He said he would have done it for free. Why can’t we still have public hangings? Or better yet, why can’t we have a law where we just turn the victims relatives loose in a room with her for about 2 hours. Fucking whore. I wonder if she knows I am having every one of her asshole followers brought up on any charge that I can come up with. perjury? yup. Stalking? Absolutely! and maybe a 5150 for that nutbag Webber that keeps writing bullshit about me. Then I will file a libel suite. It’s gonna be epic. Why is that vet back in the courtroom?
Nurmi seemed to have himself back under control so I went back to him. Fuck my life. Fuck this bitch. I could totally rig this jury so that she gets the death penalty. It’s not like I have a career left anyway. I could just use my peremptory challenges to get rid of the ones I know are pro Stabby and Juan could keep his for something else. I’ve already put on 30lbs and it’s fucking Voire Dire. And if one more person tells me I am starting to look like Alyce in Blunderland I swear to god I am gonna snap. Stupid bitch. She is half the reason we are still in the middle of this shit show. Mr Martinez are you mad at me? Who even does that? Professional idiots, that’s who. Hope Jens brought enough weed for both of us. And where the fuck is my chair. Where? This is not my chair. I wonder if I just reached over and snapped her neck if I could claim DV because she emotionally abused me? Maybe I should think on that a bit. It could work.
Last but not least, we took a run at Stabby. OMG I hate my hair. Why oh why could fat ass not have stalled this trial forever like I instructed him to? Fucking Cha-Cha has turned out to be a useless bitch. I’m pretty sure she his stealing my murder money too! Maybe I’ll get that schizophrenic freak Sandra to um, look into that. Now that chick is whack. But, she does whatever I say as long as she thinks I like her so I think I will keep her. As if? If she is delusional enough to think that I would give someone like her the time of day in any other circumstance she must be off of her meds. I mean, come on, I made some shit up, but the stuff this broad comes up with? The entire judicial system and all the Mormons are conspiring against me? Jesus. I am so horny. Hopefully I can get one of the guards to throw me a quick one in the back of the transport van before we get back. Of course with this fucking hair situation that might be difficult. My gosh don’t the potential jurors hate me? They won’t once they see my cooch in all those awesome color high resolution pictures. How can they not love me then. They will start wondering about my three wonder holes and blam, got one. And even if by some weird reason that doesn’t work, I can appeal this till I die of natural causes so I don’t care. I am making a fortune in “appeals donations” and my totally original tracings of actual artwork are selling well, so I have ramen noodles and mars bars for life. I am set.
That’s it everybody. I had to get out. I can only take so much before my eyes start to bleed. This is the in-house psychic peacing the fuck out.
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