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Tonight’s Post is Brought To You By The In-House Psychic.

Think I’ll just go and maybe hide the sharp instruments- Arizona

Hai kids. This whole media blackout thing is starting to drive me a little Ubatz. I mean tweets are ok, but you don’t really get the essence of what’s truly going on in the courtroom. Since I happen to hold a thousand year non-negotiable contract of indentured servitude on one in house psychic, things are a little easier for us.

The Really Big Mean Dog School Of Law will be undergoing renovations. Chaz has graciously offered to design our school seal and I have secured the rights to our new school song. It will be played at the beginning of each class. We will all stand, face Clearwater Florida and salute with our middle fingers(non-jacked fingers only please) while we sing. Learn the song. It’s on the exam.

Before we get to my ever so pissed off in-house psychic a few quick questions. First, is there anything that you guys want me to cover? There just isn’t much going on with Stabby right now and there are some other trials. It matters not to me, nothing is seriously grabbing my interest but if you want to hear about something let me know and I will try and cover it for you. Second? On a website that shares my blog I saw a couple of comments that my language is offensive. One actually wanted to know how I functioned in day to day life talking like this. Not by anyone from here, someone that reads my blog off another site. It’s not on purpose or for shock value it is just the way I think and talk. I just wondered if it was just a couple of people or other people found it off putting? I don’t give a fuck I was just curious. Third. I dug up a shit ton of stuff about PV. Show of hands for who is interested in a blog about that?

Without further interruption I bring you the really bitchy in-house psychic.
You know you can suck it right Kelly. Waking me up at 7am. AM! What the fuck is so important that I need to be awake at 7 in the morning.
Ya know what, I don’t sleep ever in case you haven’t noticed so can you just quit your bitching and give the people what they want. Christ on a cracker, you’d think I made you do this every goddamn day.
Wait, what? The gang is here? Uhhhh, totally was just joking about that whole Kelly can suck it thing and 7am is a perfectly reasonable time of day to be awake.

Anyway, my boss, who I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for asked that I try and get a reading on some of the main players in the courtroom today. Which of course I did. It was slightly difficult because of a couple of jurors who were projecting so hard I almost didn’t need to be psychic to hear what they were thinking. I’d kill the bitch right now, on camera and Id probably get a metal was from one, and the other was slightly more disturbing with a chant of die,die,die,die,die,die,die,die.

First up was Jenny From the Cell Block. She looks more and more like a balding Sarah Palin everyday. She was difficult because she was completely stoned which screws with the reception, but I eventually got it. Fuck, I have to get up and do this shit? Why isn’t Mr. first chair doing this? Oh yeah, he hates Stabby, which I totally don’t get. How could anyone hate such a sweet girl and one who was so obviously abused………bwahahahahaha I can’t even think that to myself without laughing. There is not enough weed in the world to deal with this shit. Maybe I can call in with a migraine, or hey maybe Ebola, I could probably get away with that right now. How long is this going to go, I’m supposed to meet my dealer at 4. Shit.

I tried Nurmi next. He was crying in his head, so I thought I’d give him a moment. I moved on to Juan. Juan was easy. Oh bitch you are so going down. I have ten peremptory strikes so if you think any of your Stabbyites are getting on this jury you are more out of your mind than you already are. Drag it out as long as you want sweetie. You want debased, wait till you see what I do with you once the trial starts. I will have you crying like Starbucks closed down. You want to bring in new evidence, I have so much actual evidence to refute anything you could possibly try and do to save yourself they might just hook you up to the triple pump right here in the courtroom. Oh and just as an aside, when your stun belt goes off “accidentally” I paid the court officer 50 bucks to slip. He said he would have done it for free. Why can’t we still have public hangings? Or better yet, why can’t we have a law where we just turn the victims relatives loose in a room with her for about 2 hours. Fucking whore. I wonder if she knows I am having every one of her asshole followers brought up on any charge that I can come up with. perjury? yup. Stalking? Absolutely! and maybe a 5150 for that nutbag Webber that keeps writing bullshit about me. Then I will file a libel suite. It’s gonna be epic. Why is that vet back in the courtroom?

Nurmi seemed to have himself back under control so I went back to him. Fuck my life. Fuck this bitch. I could totally rig this jury so that she gets the death penalty. It’s not like I have a career left anyway. I could just use my peremptory challenges to get rid of the ones I know are pro Stabby and Juan could keep his for something else. I’ve already put on 30lbs and it’s fucking Voire Dire. And if one more person tells me I am starting to look like Alyce in Blunderland I swear to god I am gonna snap. Stupid bitch. She is half the reason we are still in the middle of this shit show. Mr Martinez are you mad at me? Who even does that? Professional idiots, that’s who. Hope Jens brought enough weed for both of us. And where the fuck is my chair. Where? This is not my chair. I wonder if I just reached over and snapped her neck if I could claim DV because she emotionally abused me? Maybe I should think on that a bit. It could work.

Last but not least, we took a run at Stabby. OMG I hate my hair. Why oh why could fat ass not have stalled this trial forever like I instructed him to? Fucking Cha-Cha has turned out to be a useless bitch. I’m pretty sure she his stealing my murder money too! Maybe I’ll get that schizophrenic freak Sandra to um, look into that. Now that chick is whack. But, she does whatever I say as long as she thinks I like her so I think I will keep her. As if? If she is delusional enough to think that I would give someone like her the time of day in any other circumstance she must be off of her meds. I mean, come on, I made some shit up, but the stuff this broad comes up with? The entire judicial system and all the Mormons are conspiring against me? Jesus. I am so horny. Hopefully I can get one of the guards to throw me a quick one in the back of the transport van before we get back. Of course with this fucking hair situation that might be difficult. My gosh don’t the potential jurors hate me? They won’t once they see my cooch in all those awesome color high resolution pictures. How can they not love me then. They will start wondering about my three wonder holes and blam, got one. And even if by some weird reason that doesn’t work, I can appeal this till I die of natural causes so I don’t care. I am making a fortune in “appeals donations” and my totally original tracings of actual artwork are selling well, so I have ramen noodles and mars bars for life. I am set.

That’s it everybody. I had to get out. I can only take so much before my eyes start to bleed. This is the in-house psychic peacing the fuck out.

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23 Responses to Tonight’s Post is Brought To You By The In-House Psychic.

  1. I’m nominating you as the greatest writer of our time! That’s coming from a former English major. Your blog ROCKS! It’s the ONLY one that not only keeps my interest, but makes me laugh my ass off. BTW, I’m originally from fucking New York City where every other word we say is “fuck” so keep your fucking language just the way it is. Some of us fucking appreciate it!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Starshine. I couldn’t change it if I wanted to. It’s just my cadence. If people don’t like it they don’t have ta read it is kind of my thinking. Thanks so much for reading, I’m glad you enjoy the blog.

  2. bigmeannurse says:

    ~You outdid yourself today! I don’t know how you get your psychic to do it, but she’s an muse! Best-ever mind reading!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai bigmeannurse. My in-house psychic is a pain in my in house ass, but she gets shit done. As always, thanks for reading.

  3. Lorri Wong says:

    I think you are awesome and you bring so much insight that is hilarious. Language….omg people… Real world…. Christ on a cracker. Love that one. Lol

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      hai Lorri. Welcome to the nuthouse. Thanks so much for reading and I agree about the language thing, but it came up so I had to ask.

  4. Martini13 says:

    Super excited Chaz is in charge of the seal & LMAO re non-jacked fingers!!! That being said I’m sick of fucking haters!! It’s your fucking blog so if you fucking want to use fucking offensive language then FUCKING DO IT!! No one is forcing their eyes to read until they bleed. Geez us!! #haterzgonnahate I suppose…
    Today’s blog is my new fav – of course I think that pretty much every time I read a blog you post but hot damn girl, you’re on fire!! I’m roflmao about Juan slipping $50 to the guard – every single day of the first go round I prayed for the tazer to go off & have Stabby piss herself!!
    Not sure when the James Holmes trial is set bc I haven’t been following but I’d like to hear your thoughts on that sick fuck sometime! And Justin Harris Ross aka #babykiller as well

  5. Joan Soap says:

    I didn’t think I could laugh as much as I did reading this. Please don’t change a thing,..your ability to make others laugh is a real gift and a tonic! I can’t wait for your next post!

  6. emperorsartorial says:

    I agree with Martini, it’s your blog, your expressions – don’t go changing to try and please them – those who get it love you just the way you are…. Besides if there ever was a trial that called for explicit language commentary, I think this wins first prize.
    I would love to hear your take on why this case is so captivating –
    Thanks for all work

  7. HarleyGirl says:

    RBMD, PLEASE don’t change your blog as you are awesome and I love the word Fuck as in Public Fuckery! When I read that I laugh so hard I had to change my panties if yo know what I mean!!!! I mean my life is very similar to yours and read here everyday brings me happiness and joy. I love your humor and you are a special talent.

  8. essem58 says:

    Hey Kelly! What other language is there, French, Italian? You’re speaking my language, verbatim!! Like to hear more about PV since I’ve only recently become aware of her existence. “I Come from the Land Down Under” so don’t get all the good peripheral stuff. Keep up the great work, your blog is good fun. 👏👏👏👏

  9. Mama Via says:

    Tell the naughty language haters to either peace the fuck out….or make a big fukkin donation! If a blog WERE a democracy…like all democracies you could buy fukkin votes…to buy votes, you pay the rent, utilities, phone, Internet access, car payment, insurance, medical bills, pharmacy, food…..the more you pay, the more you can say…so, until you pay to support Miss K, in-house Psychic, et al, shut the fuk up! Miss K, you make me laugh every time I read your blog!

  10. Mama Via says:

    Oh! And YES, yes! on PV…maybe wake In-House Psychic to do a Vulcan mind meld? Poor IHP!!

  11. Deb says:

    Your blog is brilliant and I feel like I’m listening to my dad telling me one of his funny, brilliant stories from way back when I was a child…he swore like a drunken sailor and had more talent in his pinky than most people who weave tales or write for a profession – AND he could free-hand draw!!! So, you and he are right up there with the real Einstein, in my opinion! Write about anything that tickles your fancy…I’ll read it and laugh my ass off 😉

  12. HappyLeeLee says:

    See how many people LOVE you my sweet funny friend? Your blog makes us all smile & If you take the FUCKING FUCK words out, I’m gonna be pissed! It’s you Kelly & if they don’t like…FUCK EM!! I love you & thank you..we are blessed to have you! I want to FAVE the comments….but I can’t!! LOVE you my little pop-tart!! LOL

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Happy. I love you back so hard. And I wouldn’t change a fucking thing. This is me, love me or don’t. I just wonder stuff sometimes and I certainly got my answer in spades.

  13. Joan Soap says:

    Let me get this right. After following a trial laden with explicit, heavy duty calorie content such as cream pies, tossed salad, jizz facials, tootsie roll vagina inserts, booty banging, etcetera, a few readers are offended by your colorful language? LMAO. Your blog, your rules. Besides, I love the way you express yourself!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Joan. If they don’t like it they can suck it because this is who the fuck I am. It just came up and I wonder things sometimes so I wanted to know. Wouldn’t have made a difference because this is the way I process thought. I don’t have filters.

  14. crystaljh says:

    Kelly if you change one fucking thing about the goddam way you write I will personally hunt you down and smack the fucking shit outta you. You are my favorite blogger and a kindred spirit. If assholes dont like your writing they can suck on Stabbys tootsie pop. EWWW, I just grossed myself out.

  15. pinkpumps25 says:

    Don’t change a thing. No one forces those potty mouthed pigs (Jodi trolls) to read here.

  16. Kathy Lynn says:

    I come here every day now looking for your latest blog because I know it’s going to make me laugh my ass off. You could write about anything, I know it will be good. I suspect you’d have us laughing just as hard whether it’s about Pig Vomit or going to the grocery store lol. You are a truly gifted writer.

  17. Mama Via says:

    It’s FRIDAY again! Where is the in-house psychic? Tell her to get up and entertain us with her superb talents! Can Miss Kelly come out and play? One more question…will the trial be EVER be over if they start at 10:30, take a 2 hour lunch and then go home at 4:30 for FOUR days a week? OMG! If it weren’t so damn hot…and if they practiced daylight savings time…I would MOVE there! Imagine! A 20 hour workweek…and make 6 figures a year for sleeping in a barca-lounge 4 hours a day! Of course, the only thing protecting him from Stabby Einsten was Jenny, Junior Prom Queen…missing your funny, Miss Kelly!

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