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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law: Computer Forensics Explained. A Guest Blog By Marti

November 26, 2014

Hello everyone.   As your Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery, it is very important to me that I STRESS that the law is supposed to be used to put those who commit crimes in jail and keep those who do not out.  I understand that this is often not the case, but any Law Professor worth their salt really does want to see the law used for its intended purpose.  With that in mind and because I am sure I can do a much better job, I am appointing myself to the bench and may now hereby be referred to as Judge Really Big Mean Dog, Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery.

I, Kelly AKA Really Big Mean Dog, do solemnly affirm that I will administer justice way better than the sometimes Judge that I am about to kick the I mean take the place of temporarily, and that I will faithfully and impartially discharge and perform all the duties incumbent upon me as a Jurist and as the Dean of Fuckery of The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law  under the Constitution and laws of the United States; and that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; ESPECIALLY when the constitution is being treated like a kickball by some idiot attorney with way to much time on his hands; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, regardless of my serious mental issues and because I can make the law way more fun than it is right now; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. 

YAY!!!  Now that I am a Judge, there are some pressing matters that I must attend to in Arizona (like all of them)  so tonight there will be a brief lesson on Computer Forensics by this weeks teaching assistant.  Marti please take the floor.

A Simple Lesson in Computer Forensics

Duck for Flying Shrapnel

Hi class, my name is Marti, the assistant to the assistant Dean of  Fuckery. You know the ritual, so please sit down and get your note taking equipment ready.

As various electronic devices are part of our daily lives, you need to understand the basic rules when one of those devices is taken into evidence. Never touch any part of the device, unless you know that the fingerprint experts have completed their task.

In this class we will discuss a computer in evidence. If you and your team want to see what files are on the computer, don’t do it without an expert in computer forensics. I see some of you with puzzled looks, so let me explain. What if the simple act of turning on the computer and booting it causes it to “blow up?”  What if the computer contains a real bomb? However, the computer may also be loaded with software that will cause all files to be erased when the computer is booted, another form of “blowing up.”

OK, so the computer didn’t “blow up” and the files seem to be there. But what happened when the computer was booted up? The computer goes through many housekeeping procedures when it’s booted up. Those housekeeping procedures may destroy evidence that your expert will need for analysis. Log files, cache files, history files, etc. may be erased or modified.

I see more puzzled looks. You need to know this because your integrity as a lawyer may be called into question if a computer that your team examined shows improper forensic computer science was used.

A properly trained computer forensics expert will not turn on a computer, they will remove the hard drive of the computer and then make a copy, often called mirror image or clone.  The copy of the hard drive will then be used for analysis. The copy must be write-protected, that is, encoded with software that prohibits anyone from erasing or modifying files.  The computer and the original hard drive will be placed in a secure location.

Also, make sure that all documentation shows the correct chain of evidence. Make sure that all documentation shows the procedures used in making a copy of the hard drive, and the procedures used by trained computer forensic experts during analysis.

If you have any questions please submit them in the form of a Haiku or 1500 word essay.  Or don’t. Either works.

That is it for tonight class.  Since tonight I am the assistant to the assistant Dean of Fuckery;  Marti peacing the fuck out!!
Class dismissed.

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The Stabby Arias Penalty Phase Retrial-The Suffering In Silence Edition

November 25, 2014

I know I have said it before but; AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!-Arizona

Hai everybody. Been a minute hasn’t it? I have emailed Jim Blackburn about 6 times now and he keeps promising me as soon as he can get to it he will and I don’t want to keep bugging him so I guess we will wait on the Jeffrey(the hippies did it)McDonald story.

Sorry about last night, windstorm was crazy and I had no power for just about ever. I did get the generator out long enough to leave a post here but I don’t know if everybody saw it. So, yeah no power, no blog. The only downside to living in the middle of buttfuck nowhere is you are hooped when stuff like that happens. Oh and just as an aside, generators are heavy as fuck.

I have a question for all y’all in the states? WTF are they putting in your water and shit? Holy. I did not have the internet last night because we had a huge wind storm and it knocked the power out. I get up this morning and Ferguson is on fire. Jesus Christ people. You know what? I get that people are angry, and frustrated, and probably filled with rage. What I don’t get; trashing stores that are owned by members of the community, lighting cop cars on fire that y’all get to pay for out of your tax money, and fighting against people that have BULLETS and shit. I watched for about 2 minutes and turned it off. What does this accomplish exactly? It is not going to bring that boy back and it sure as shit isn’t going to make the police less likely to shoot the next one and that whether or not you like it is just a fact. And for all us white folks out there. I think it’s nice and all you are showing solidarity, I truly do. But damn, don’t pretend like you understand what is going through your African American friends/neighbors/spouses soul, because unless somebody owned a member of your family and once that was over you were treated like you were livestock you just don’t. No matter how much you sympathize, you cannot, will not, EVER, understand the rage. It is like being non-Jewish and saying you understand what the Holocaust survivors went through. It is a patently ridiculous statement.

So Stabby. We started the day waiting for sometimes Judge Stephens and watching Nurmi google Alfred E. Nurmi and his reaction to what popped up. Either that or surfing twitter to check on those damn Jurors who might be using social media.

Sometimes Judge Stephens eventually showed up, Great Nana Dr. Sexpert was back on the stand and Juan, well Juan was about as mad as he has ever been. Three darts, and a half a box of good boy treats later, he was almost calm enough to get up and start cross examining. Almost.

He leaped up with a snarl and went immediately for Dr. Sexperts Jugular area. He started by asking about sexual practices and Stabby shaving the gaping opening to hell. He wanted to know if the fact that she went bald as a cue-ball was important to her? Great Nana Dr. Sexpert, who you will totally see before this is over has no bias what so ever (OMGLOLROFLMAO) said yes. Juan was on fucking fire. He wanted to know if what she was saying was that Stabby baring the curtains had to do with Travis. Great Nana Dr. Sexpert definitely seemed to be insinuating that but when confronted with the question head on said she didn’t know how Stabby groomed herself (BRB gotta find the Pretoria puke bucket) prior to this. Juan was determined to run this “expert” to ground today. Why didn’t you ask if she did this before? Are u saying this practice is so unique to Stabby and Travis that this was worth considering? She said that that wasn’t what she was saying but it totally was. The pitbull asked her if she did consider this though and she had to answer yes. Holy shit getting a straight answer out of this chick is like getting a bong out of Jenny From the Cell Blocks hands. FUCK!! And with that we were welcomed to sidebar number one of the day. Nurms is NOT amused.

Back from the sidebar, Great Nana Dr. Sexpert threw on her tri-focals and started to read a document while bitching about having to read said document, say it with me now, CONTEMPERANEOUSLY. She felt pressure to read the entire document to which I say, um aren’t things like the oh, I don’t know, DETAILS of the document kind of important? The pit bull said he was just trying to refresh her memory which I though was genius because it intimated that Great Nana Dr. Sexpert may have a memory problem. Hint, she doesn’t she just never read the fucking file unless the paragraph started “Stabby Said.” She went over the document and Juan said it was Matt that wanted to break up with Stabby and moved to get away from her. Great Nana isn’t having anyone dissing her Stabby and says she understood it that Matt cheated and they broke up. Juan then wanted to know if it maybe wasn’t just a little aggressive of Stabby to drive to confront Bianca, the chick that Matt was banging by this time. Dr. Sexpert actually kept a straight face while she said “nope, nuh uh, this is how every normal person acts.” Juan then said Stabby wasn’t suffering in silence at that time, was she? Great Nana Dr. Sexpert says this was a different relationship than Travis, which doesn’t really answer the question. Just sayin. She says she suffered in silence only with Travis. The pitbull was still on full roar and dart number 4 was deployed. The sarcasm dripping from his fangs he said “So you’re saying this suffering in silence skipped over Bobby, skipped over Matt, skipped over Darryl & landed right on Travis? Dr. Sexpert says she wouldn’t use the term skip over. (If she gets Juan to define something, I’m out!) Juan gave the expert a refresher course on the trials and tribulations of Stabby and her live ex-boyfriends aaaaaaaand sidebar number 2. We came back and the pitbull asked if she was refreshed as to the break ups. She said it described them but she doesn’t recall. Juan gently tells Great Nana Dr. Sexpert that she testified to specifics and she said “I don’t recall.” Juan got that quizzical look that all great dogs get when they are trying to figure something out and gently reminded her that she said it involved the computer. She said “I don’t recall.” Juan suddenly knew what was happening. That damn fog had rolled back in. He tested his theory. Isn’t it true Darryl tried to break up with Stabby and she’d have none of that? She said “I don’t recall he’d have none of it.” I’m starting to wonder if Great Nana Dr. Sexpert has dementia setting in. Either that or she watched all six seasons of OZ as a refresher course on how to testify. (HBO show from the late 90’s-early 2000’s. Google it.) Dr. Sexpert also could not recall when Stabby and Travis started to date, or her moving to seaside.

Juan got bored and moved on to more suffering in silence. He wanted to know if Stabby was suffering in silence when she went through Travis’ phone. Dr. Sexpert said no, that the suffering in silence came after. (BARF!) Someone remind me to send Mi’lady a Christmas card for sending me the puke bucket. Juan said that even when Stabby suspected that he was seeing other women she stayed in the relationship because she wanted to go on trips. Dr. Sexpert says that she kept that information to herself for a while. He brought up the balloon festival trip and Nurms suddenly woke the fuck up and brought up sidebar number 3.

And we were back and then back to the sidebar for number 4. Back again and Juan brought up the fact that they only dated for several months. Juan says that within two weeks of the break-up she moved from California to Arizona and the totally not biased at all Dr. Sexpert said “well, it’s not like they lived in the same ward or community.” Jesus if MY eyes rolled any harder they would be bouncing jauntily across the fucking room. The pitbull asks if that is pretty assertive? Dr. Sexpert counters that they had an ongoing sexual relationship. Well that isn’t suffering in silence is it? the pitbull roared.

Juan asked about Stabby playing peek a boo while Travis was making out with a woman. The still TOTALLY objective Dr. Sexpert said “well, she needed her social security card to which I say, What?” Juan asked the good ole’ Dr. Sexpert if peeping in someones windows is suffering in silence? Anyone see a theme here? Juan asked, “she won’t leave him alone will she?” Dr. Sexpert at least conceded that maybe Stabby was a little intrusive.

There was a 15 minute break and next we got to talked about being closeted and nope it’s not what you think. Apparently, the relationship that no longer existed and was just banging because like I have said a billion times, if some chick is throwing it around the guy is going to grab it, was “closeted.” It was closeted because Travis didn’t take out a half page add in the local paper that he was butt banging Stabby. when it was brought up that Stabby wasn’t running around telling the whole world she was banging Travis that was apparently different somehow because why the fuck not.

Stabby was looking kind of forlorn after lunch, but not Juan. Juan was looking…like the tranquilizer was wearing off. You are required to be informed and objective when you review materials but in this case you haven’t been objective, RIGHT? Dr. Sexpert said she used data points to keep it objective.

Next up was a chat log between Stabby and Travis which Great Nana Dr. Sexpert called a five hour rant. It was 2hrs and 10sec and Juan was all over her like she was a porterhouse steak. “You wanted to make this seem like Travis was out of control didn’t you?” snarled the mighty pitbull. “You were wrong on the time weren’t you? You went ahead and made a wrong statement to the jury.” Juan was in full attack mode now and Flores calmly put the attack suit on just in case he had to pole catch the ranting pit. 5 hours sure seems more impactful doesn’t it? He roared. And you also said the chat log was 16 pages when it was only twelve. You are supposed to be accurate right? Great Nana Dr. Sexpert said yes but the chat was formatted where it could be 16 pages to which once again I say WHAT? It is 12 pages or it is 16. It cannot be both.

We moved on to Dan Freeman and his sister and the trip they all took together. Juan said Travis wasn’t hiding her from his friends right? They went on trips together and when they got in an argument and Travis said something Stabby came right back didn’t she? That is not suffering in silence RIGHT? Juan then pointed out that Great Nana Dr. Sexpert said she had made an assessment of Travis to which she said no, it was more of an observation. The pitbull of course refused to back the fuck up and said “you made an assessment, a diagnosis out of this. Just what you said you aren’t doing right?” Next we got to define Assessment and I was about to quit this bitch like I said, but Juan was done and I figured I might as well see how much Nurmi did damage control for a bit. During that time we got another run down of Dr. Sexperts CV, the fact that sex sells and we shouldn’t be distracted and that she felt the state was insinuating that she was unethical and they mischaracterized her testimony. HINT No he didn’t. He didn’t insinuate a damn thing. He made it crystal fucking clear that is what he thought.

We are now recessed until December 2 2014. #giftfrombabyjesus

There you have it my lovelies you are now up to date on the never ending trial. RBMD peacing the fuck out!!

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hi everybody

November 24, 2014

haven’t had power for about 7 hours,dragged out the generator just to let you know I will post a blog as soon as possible. hope everyone is good. wind took out the power lines I guess See you soon.


The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law – The “You’re a Dick! No, You’re a Dick!” Hearing

November 22, 2014

Hello Students.  Please stand and face Florida for the singing of the Class anthem.  Now Salute!! Thank you take your seats.  Your Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery has had a very trying day.  There is nothing that I hate more than hearings.  Any kind of hearings.  Ones that have bearing on a case at hand are enough of a pain in the ass never mind the ones we are going to be talking about today where it is nothing more than a pissing contest in order to waste even more time than has already been wasted.

Before we start class, I have some announcements.  We have reached the half way portion of the term.  Congratulations to everyone who has made it this far as well as congratulations to Deb on giving up her sharp instrument fetish as well as to Silly for her stunning knife collection.  We will begin campaigning for who will give the fuckology address at graduation, so get out there and flog for votes.  Oh, and since ultimately it is my decision, I suggest bribes.  Remember what I told you in class before. If opposing council offers you large sums of money and nobody saw it, did it really ever happen?  In the event that your Law Professor needs to take some time off, BlueWhiteRed has agreed to run the class for me while I am away.  You will of course make your Dean of Fuckery proud and make sure to take notes and turn in all assignments on time.  BWR will be fielding all emails, comments, and will no doubt be requesting some guest blogging so please think of some subjects you may want to write about.  This is only if I don’t feel that I can blog while I convalesce.  The doctor assures me that if I am feeling up to it, I can blog from the hospital so we will see.

Take out your tablets, this is something that as lawyers you are unfortunately going to have to deal with on probably more than one occasion.

There are many reasons for hearings to be held.  There could be a problem with a witness.  There could be accusations of Jury tampering, there could be hearing regarding what evidence is admissible or whether an expert witness needs to be qualified.  These are all perfectly valid reasons to hold hearings.  Then of course there are the bullshit hearings that are meant to do nothing more than waste time and try and stall the inevitable a little bit longer.  In this category there is the “I need 127 more months with the evidence because 6 years wasn’t enough” hearing, the “I am offended by the press that I loved long time during the first trial” hearing and when all else fails and both sides want to punch each other directly in the nuts, there is the “you’re a dick! No. You’re a dick!” hearing.  That is the hearing we will be concentrating on today.

The “you’re a dick. No, you’re a dick hearing is basically where opposing council, a court reporter, the judge, depending on who council is a vet with a tranquilizer gun, two or three fake experts, the defendant in all its jingly jangly glory, the representatives of the family of the victim if they so wish and if it is a really good hearing usually a referee and a couple of medics. Once everyone is present the hearing will begin. Except it won’t because defense council will immediately begin telling the sometimes Judge at the hearing that he does not want his client filmed during the hearing. Just as a side note, if you passed contract law and you want to be a defense attorney, you can usually wrangle being paid by the word or word and length of trial. Things to remember when deciding what specialty to go into. Once defense is told to sit on it and spin the hearing can begin.

There will be some vaguely believable reason to have the hearing.  It will usually start with one lawyer calling the other lawyer a big fat liar liar pants on fire.  The insulted party will than usually come back with something like I’m not the liar, you are the liar and your expert is an idiot.  The first lawyer will generally come back with my expert is less of an idiot than your expert because they can make shadow animals in eyeballs to which offended lawyer number one will laugh and say oh yes the Taco Bell dog, I remember it well. He will likely present a visual just to prove he does remember this particular idiot expert. taco bell dog

 

After a bit more back and forth, the inevitable You’re a dick. No, you’re a dick will be given voice and that is when the fun really begins.

If you are dealing with a particularly um……lively attorney, tranquilizer darts 1 and 2 will likely be deployed and everyone will hope they have some effect.  There will generally be back up darts on hand just in case.  Then and only then can the battle of the idiot expert witnesses begin.

The referee will likely position himself between opposing council and near the top corner of where idiot expert number 1 is seated.

Opposing council will each have a go at each idiot expert.  It will quickly become apparent which side each idiot expert is working for.  Every once in a while you will get a bonus and you will have an idiot expert that was formerly and idiot expert in a different area of expertise.  Those are always a good time.  They are ALWAYS the cocky ones.

Lets say we have suddenly missing files on a computer hard drive.  Defense council will say that prosecution council knew about the files and deleted them on purpose.  Prosecution council will deny that this ever occurred.  Prosecutions idiot witness will say that there were ZERO files on the computer.  Defenses idiot expert that has already failed in one discipline will say that that there were 800 billion porn files that were deleted and will then proceed to get into an epic pissing match with the prosecuting attorney.  If you have a prosecuting attorney who needs to be tranquilized prior to being turned loose on witnesses, this is not generally recommended but can be hysterically funny.

First, the attorneys will argue with who asked for the evidence, who had the evidence, who turned on the evidence, how long they turned it on for, whether it was even the correct evidence, if there was even evidence and eventually it will get blamed on some third party who no longer has anything to do with the trial. This attorney will then become offended and they will offer testimony of the it wasn’t me variety. See our second class of the case study of the it wasn’t me defense. It wasn’t me will blame the prosecuting attorney, the prosecuting attorney will blame it wasn’t me and one or more of the idiot experts and if he’s good, like Juan Martinez good he will even get it alluded too that the defendant itself did it onto the record.

In extremely rare circumstances you may get an idiot expert that chooses that particular moment to completely lose their shit and that is when you leave stupid boring hearing and you have a party on your hands. This is also when you get to find out why there is a tranquilizer gun and a referee on hand. For brevities sake we will refer to idiot expert as BN for Big Numpti. BN may take several moments to up his laptop so that it can be projected onto the big screen. The BN will then explain what the current iteration of his area of idiot expertise is. The BN will then go over all the rules of forensics as he understands them. The first rule of forensics is that you don’t talk about forensics………..wait, I may have that mixed up with something else, your Law Professor is very tired. Anyway, BN will then go over the last time the drive with the missing files was turned on (maybe he tells it how hot it is and asks if it wants to see his disc drive or something who the fuck knows) how long it was on for, what it did while it was on, then BN will explain that turning the cpu on and off without an NCASE program in place violates forensics protocols. Then BN will go over of the Trojans and viruses that caused some of the porn files to magically appear and that there were also tons, like 80 bajillion porn files that were manually accessed. (why does manually accessed sound dirty when coupled with the word porn?) This type of Q and A will last for the better part of forever and you will probably fall asleep five or six times during this part of the hearing. It is only when the prosecutor gets up to examine the idiot witness that the fun and games begin.

First BN will say there were 166000 porn files on the hard drive. ONE. HUNDRED. AND. SIXTY. SIX. THOUSAND. this will be your clue that this particular BN is going in. The prosecuting attorney who has already been tranquilized will choose that moment to show the entire room that the dope doesn’t work anymore and snap at the BN “YOU’RE GUESSING RIGHT? YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW.” BN will let us know at this moment that he has for sure gone insane when he refers to the prosecuting attorney BY. HIS. NAME. and fire back that the thing was packed with porn. Phones with missing sim cards may come up, and if the prosecutor is good like I said they will get it insinuated on the record that the defendant did something with the evidence to get rid of it. The BN may try to argue the point and the referee may have to jump in the middle to hold the prosecutor off long enough for another dart to be deployed before he snaps out “YOU WEREN’T THERE WHEN THESE PHONES WERE SEIZED WERE YOU?” The prosecuting attorney will be by now foaming at the mouth at being challenged by the BN. It will quite frankly piss him off. If you think the prosecutor is dangerously angry at this point, start placing side bets on what it takes to push him completely over the edge and hope the BN says something like “Your question is irrelevant.” Then hope you bet within the next 60 seconds as the BN says “You don’t understand computers.” that should do the trick in most hearings of this nature.

The prosecuting attorney at this point should make suggestions that BN himself broke the hard drive. The obviously insane BN will have some charming retort like that is just slimy. Twice. The sometimes Judge attending the hearing will at about this point notice that the prosecuting attorney is very close to launching and possibly mauling the BN to death so the hearing will be called for the day and not reconvened for about a month, hopefully giving the veterinarian time to find some new kind of tranquilizer to use at the remainder of the hearing.

There you have it class, the You’re a dick! No. You’re a dick! hearing. Have a lovely evening.

Class dismissed.

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The Never Ending Stabby Einstein Penalty Phase Retrial- The Psychological Vomit Edition

November 20, 2014

You’re going to need a bigger bucket – Arizona

Hai kids, welcome to yet another edition of the trials and tribulations of Stabby Einstein and the whole entire funky bunch. Todays post is brought to you by Shirley’s House of Pain and Pleasure where their motto is “If you or someone you know has a kink, we can turn it into a mitigating factor for you.”

Since this is just kinda the way we roll now I will provide you with updates before we get into the meat of todays trial.

I am going to live. Sorry PV. I do not need a heart transplant and yes that was apparently a possibility for a while, but the docs have decided that I do not, they can fix what is broken in mine. I have something called Ebsteins Anomoly. I am going to have to have two heart valves replaced which I know sounds really scary, but sounds much less scary than a removal and replacement of my heart. The also have to do some procedure while they are in there to help with the electrical impulses in my heart. Not a pacemaker but along the same idea.

Now that we have that all taken care of, onto todays big bunch of bullshit that is the retrial that will never end.

The day began with Great Nana Dr. Sexpert back on the stand to tell some more of the story that the defense paid her to tell. Dr. Sexpert begins by saying that Travis did not see Stabby as a real person outside of the bedroom. My immediate question was since I don’t see her as a real person now, does that make me a bad person? Today Great Nana Dr. Sexpert is also getting into Travis’ so called vulgarities apparently criticizing Stabby for looking cheap. I think she left the whore part off, cheap whore sounds much more appropriate to me.

Stabby and Jenny From the Cell Block were barely aware there was a trial going on around them they were so busy whispering and giggling with each other.

Dr. Sexpert, who is an expert on the subject because she was likely there when sex was invented and may or may not have gone to pre-school with Jesus is somewhat less than believable when everything that Stabby did was okay and everything that Travis did was deviant sexual behavior. They are paying her $275 per hour to say what they want her to day and after three mind numbing day on the stand where we have learned that the sex expert doesn’t know what Jizz or a fuckbuddy is, is finally getting to the day of the murder.

Juan is objecting to everything Nurmi asks. Great Nana Dr. Sexpert says it was a vicious killing, Horrible and Juan objects to the word horrible. She keeps trying to describe the scene that day and Juan keeps objecting, I’m guessing because she wasn’t there so she has no foundation to describe the scene. Nurmi tries again. Was this murder viscious? Yes. Was it horrible and Juan objects and is sustained again on horrible. Nurmi asks how you go to sex four hours earlier to that and Juan objects and there is a sidebar. Again, just my opinion, but since the she wasn’t there refereeing, there is no foundation for her to answer the question. We sidebar right up till lunchtime. Since everyone is aware that Juan is going to be up on cross at some point in the near future the vet is quietly brought in with extra tranquilizer darts and a case of goodboy treats are deposited on the prosecution table. The vet is looking decidedly nervous since Juan has been on full snarl since trial started this morning.

After lunch Alfred E. says he has just a few more questions. Dr. Sexpert says something happened in that bathroom but she doesn’t know what because she wasn’t there to which the entire planet replied “No. Really?” Nurms tried to wrap everything into a nice tidy this all happened because of abuse bow while a snarling and snapping Juan objected to everything through the muzzle that was about to be removed.

She says that what happened in that bathroom was Psychological vomit. Now there is a catch phrase for an office pamphlet. We specialize in psychological vomit. I know I’d want her for my paid expert. I got some vomit for ya, you crazy old bat. This by the way is Great Nana Dr. Sexpert. great nana Dr. Sexpert 2 She looks a lot more like an expert in mahjong than in deviant sexual behavior.  My lawyer emailed me about 3 hours ago and all it said was HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sex expert. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Flores quickly removed the muzzle and threw himself backwards while the vet aimed and fired. The first dart hit home but we won’t know for a few minutes if it is having the desired effect.

The dart didn’t work. “When her father smacked her across the back of the head and she yelled “FUCK YOU BILL” would you call that suffering in silence like you have been alluding too? Suddenly Great Nana Dr. Sexpert didn’t look quite so comfortable on the stand. Nurmi of course objects to everything. At one point I think he may have objected to his own objection.

Juan asks about a transcript of an interview with Carl. Dr. Sexpert says she never reviewed that transcript. Juan then barked out who is Carl. Dr. Sexpert answered (and I’m not making this up) Stabby’s Father. Once he was done laughing Juan said no, it’s her brother and then he said (you stupid useless bitch) in that tone only other dogs can hear.
Juan is demanding yes or no answers and Dr. Sexpert seems to think she doesn’t have to provide them. I guess she didn’t see what mincemeat LaToilette looked like and it looks like she may be headed in the same direction. He wants to know if she reviewed all the documents and she seems unsure and then he did it. He asked Dr. Sexpert if she was having problems with her memory and I laughed till I almost fell out of my chair.

It has been under 20 minutes and Great Nana Dr. Sexpert is beginning to crack like a walnut. A really, really old walnut. Nurmi of course is trying to do damage control and asked for a sidebar I would assume to let his expert collect herself. Good luck with that Nurms. Your expert is not prepared.

Sidebar is over and it would seem that Dr. Sexpert is anxious to spar with the mighty pit bull. Maybe it was all the talk of sexual deviance that didn’t exist that got Great Nana Dr. Sexperts juices flowing but she was definitely ready to roll around with Juan for a bit and Juan was every bit as ready to make her his bitch. And he proceeded to do just that. Juan asks a question, she tries to dance and it is that moment that sometimes Judge Stephens remembered that she is indeed sometimes a Judge and ordered Dr. Sexpert to answer. The good Doc seemed less than amused that she was not allowed to continue to offer complete dissertations instead of yes or no answers. Stabby was in deep discussions with Jenny from the Cell Block probably telling her she better get a leash on this expert or she was gonna get Stabbied. Juan got her to admit that she flitted from boyfriend to boyfriend and was not the stable slice of happy that Dr. Sexpert was trying to make her out to be.

Juan is now showing Dr. Sexpert a whole shit ton of papers that she has never seen. I’m SHOCKED. They all say that Stabby is a sociopath. Dr. Sexpert had no idea. It was a beautiful moment. She also has no idea at what point Stabby and Travis became a couple. Silly little facts that are maybe kind of important. She finally just agreed to go with 2007. YAY we’ve made progress. Juan actually had to prod her by asking if she watched the 48 hrs program. Dr. Sexpert said yes. Juan said do you recall her saying the date that they started dating? She said she vaguely remembered something like that. Pesky damn details anyway.

Dr. Sexpert didn’t feel that Stabby’s admitted violent streak, you know the one where she kicked holes in walls, smashed mirrors, maybe strangled a cat and disappeared a dog were not important facts to consider after a vicious murder. She outright admitted that Stabby’s anger issues had no bearing on her opinion on the case. (and then Jenny had someone wheel some more money out to Dr. Sexperts car) She said that Travis was the poisonous ingredient in the relationship and Stabby being a violent sociopath had nothing to do with it.

Juan asked if she was a mind reader for trying to answer questions before they are asked. She said she wished which of course is the totally professional thing to say in answer to that question.

Juan jumped slightly forward as another tranquilizer dart was successfully deployed and then continued with his questioning although he did seem to mellow just a little. He wanted to know if she knew the secret. She was rendered speechless. Of course he was referring to the Secret that Stabby adhered to that was in the notes that Dr. Sexpert had obviously not read.

Nurmi had a very bad day objection wise. He got overruled almost every time. Ahhhh, they must have had a lovers quarrel. Dr. Sexpert admits that all the info she went by was provided by the defense because that is who she was hired by.

Juan then put up the text about how she was getting her cooch waxed so it would be nice and smooth and asked Great Nana Dr. Sexpert which one of them instigated that particular email and poor Dr. Sexpert had to concede that it was the totally not seasoned stabbykins.

Court was dismissed till Monday at 9:30 am and we have a hearing about Nurmi’s evidence tampering tomorrow. YAY!! It would be so cool if he conducted the rest of his trial from closed circuit television from a prison cell.

That is it for tonight kids. Have a great night and I will C U 2morrow if I get anything about the hearing.

RBMD Peacing the fuck out.

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Since Nothing Is Pressing In The World Of Crime Today This Will Be An Update Blog Plus Some Additions To The Big Book Of Words

November 18, 2014

When it comes to this farce of a penalty phase retrial, a day off is not necessarily a bad thing – planet earth

Hai everybody.  Welcome to a Really Big Mean Dog update blog, plus we have some new entries to the Big Book of Words.  YAY!!

I find it highly amusing that it always seems to be the “experts” and the lawyers and those more Einstein-y than us that come up with all these new and awesome words.

For those of you that may have missed my blog last night, Charles Manson has applied for a marriage license.  I read something about this months ago but of course Charlie being a complete nut bag denied the whole thing saying it was just another groupie and alluding to the fact that he was just using her for whatever she could put in his commissary.  The woman goes by Star and she is a couple of fries short of a happy meal.  Rolling Stone did an article in 2013 which I read and kept a copy of.  You can see it here. http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/charles-manson-today-the-final-confessions-of-a-psychopath-20131121  It is an interesting read and I recommend it if you are interested in Manson at all, or in the very special type of fruit loop that he continues to draw in.

We had quite the lively discussion going in the comments about the whole pedophile thing and how sickening it is that the Alexander family is being put through all of this yet again.  I stated my opinion in last nights blog, but that begs another question or 14.  Even if (and I want to emphatically stress that I do not in any way whatsoever believe that Travis had any sexual proclivities towards children) this was the case that he fantasized about young girls, does a fantasy, even one that is that sick warrant death if it is a fantasy?  I will tell you all a secret about me. I used to fantasize almost daily about killing my ex. How I would do it, how I would try and cover it up, what weapons I would use, the fact that the first thing I would do was stab him directly in the junk and then shove a heated curling iron up his ass, whether or not I could feed him to the dogs. It got pretty intense. All of those things were illegal, but they were just fantasies. Should I have been thrown in prison for thinking those things? Should I have been killed because of them? You cannot be put on trial for crimes that you might commit. While we are on the subject of being put on trial; the trial is over and Stabby was convicted of first degree aggravated murder. This is supposed to just be the penalty phase retrial so why is Alfred E being allowed to deliver his case in chief all over again? Why has nobody put a stop to this? This is supposed to be about mitigation only. Not that there is any, but why is this being allowed to continue.

Ross drove me to my test today again and I was saying that I wished there was a way I could pay him back for all the kindness. He reminded me of something. When I first bought this place, maybe my third year here, fall was setting in, Ross had a bunch of things that needed to be done and he broke a hip falling off of a tractor. He has sons but they work far away and it was hard for them to get down unless it was the weekend. Ross would not hear of a little tiny girl coming to do the stuff that needed done, so one night I had this idea. I would sneak down to his farm after 11pm and I would put up hay, or pile wood, stuff like that every night for a week before he caught me out. I wasn’t scared down there. I love Ross’ farm. The barn is warm, he’s got good equipment and there was no way I was going to leave an old man hanging with none of the stuff that absolutely had to be done undone because he had an unfortunate accident. I had just finished putting around 200 bails of hay into the loft and when I dropped down there he was on a pair of crutches with his wife beside him holding hot cider and cookies. She had tears running down her face. Ross looked stern, like he was mad at me for a minute, but then he stepped forward and just shook my hand. I smiled and took a cookie and around a mouthful of it I said “see, I told you I was a farm girl born and bred.” He laughed and apologized for doubting me because of my gender and size and told me he would never forget it. He healed up and got the rest of his stuff done before winter set in but he said he would have never done it without me. I shook it off then. That is just how we do around here Ross I said to him and he nodded agreeably. So today when I said I didn’t know how I could pay him back he said he figured he still owed me a full hay mow and enough wood stacked to get through the winter. Brought tears to my eyes he did. It means that nobody owes anybody anything. We are neighbors and we just do for each other because that is how we roll out here.

The dogs are doing great. Even Bruno, the most damaged dog possibly on the planet because of the asshole that almost killed me is turning into a different dog. I still would not consider him safe around people, but he is now safe around the other dogs and today he even played with peanut. Little tiny peanut who he could crush like a walnut with one bite was played with so gently that I was moved by it. The only thing that Bruno loves or trusts is me and I guess he has decided that if I love the little mop dog than he can safely love her too. I can still hear the vet telling me that he was so mentally unstable he needed to be put down and me getting downright angry and explaining the things that had been done to Bruno and that it was not his fault that he was the way he was and there was no way I would ever do that to him. He told me that if he ever got loose someone would be killed, so I told him that I would be extra careful. Bruno has gotten loose. As long as he doesn’t feel that I am being threatened or that there are strangers on his property, he couldn’t care less about other people. They don’t exist to him. Today he laid down on the floor and let peanut maul at him and his little stumpy tail never stopped going sixty miles an hour. He was said when peanut got bored. He and Mya and Happy and Panzer are all one big happy pack. The other dogs do not challenge him for the alpha spot, and even if they did he would use his size to drive them down and make them submit before he ever used his teeth. That dog has come a million miles. If he can do it, so can I.

Taco spent most of the time the dogs were playing walking across my keyboard, which is his favorite thing to do. I don’t know if it is the clicks that amuse him or the way the buttons sink and come back up, but that guinea pig would spend the entire day running back and forth across the keys if I would let him. He makes happy little chirpy noises and does it for hours. Back and forth and back and forth. It is hilarious to watch, and more hilarious to watch kitty friend watching Taco play on the keyboard. Kitty friend and Taco seem to have an agreement of some kind because they also have nothing but love for one another. They will sometimes cuddle up together and go to sleep.

Our resident expert on the stand for stabbykins Dr. Sexpert has been kind enough to give us a couple of offerings for the big book of words. Apparently I was mistaken and Jizz is not just jizz. It is jizzle. JIZZLE. Seriously. The expert on sexual kink also had no idea what a fuck buddy is, so to help her out I am adding that to the book of words. And just so you all know, anybody that texts after 11pm is totally a perv so stop it all you pervs out there. Just stop.

Finally, I wanted to thank you all for your words and thoughts of support while I deal with whatever is going on with my heart. It is such a wonderful feeling to know that so many people care about what happens to me. From someone who spent their entire life with nobody, it is an awfully comforting feeling. And to those of you who have donated to the blog a HUGE thank you. Thank you for appreciating the time and effort and research that I put into my writings.

That is it for tonight kids. Everybody have a great night and wish me luck tomorrow. Tomorrow is a very important day.
RBMD peacing the fuck out.
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The Stabby Arias Never Ending Penalty Phase Retrial – The Lets Keep The Witness Under Direct Forever So Juan Can’t Cross Examine Edition

November 17, 2014

There is not enough Tylenol in the entire world for this shit – Arizona

Hai Kids. Welcome to another edition of the never ending Stabby Einstein penalty phase retrial. The penalty phase that the Convict would like to turn into the I’m getting out of jail by Saturday do-over.

Just before we get to todays foray into the almost insane some of you may have noticed the disclaimer that I have posted on the bottom right hand side of my blog. It is more about the people and entities that are NOT allowed to post my blog than who is. If I have failed to mention you by name or by site than consider yourself allowed to use my blog in whole or in part as long as it is credited to the Really Big Mean Dog Article you have used. This is just more stuff that my lawyer friend said would be pertinent for me to do, makes litigation much easier. So, if I forgot to name you by name and you have been linking my blog or using parts of it or whatever and you have not been expressly forbidden from doing that, please just continue to do what you have been doing all along. People were not listed in order of importance, just who popped into my head at that particular moment and I had to stop naming specific people that were allowed permission because I ran out of room.

Court today started an avalanche of questions in my head, non of which have been answered to any satisfaction even by some of the greatest legal minds that I know. They are doing the exact same head scratch that I am. Questions like how is a paid expert allowed to give an opinion on a seven year old email with no context and without speaking with either of the people the email was between seeing as one of them is dead and the other was not approached. How is that not all just hearsay? How is there any foundation for the email? How is someone does someone who is purported to be an expert in sexual kink not know what a fuck buddy is, or a friend with benefits? Does that not toss the whole sex expert thing directly out the window? How do you get any sense of what is truth and what is a lie from Stabbykins (other than if her mouth is moving she is likely full of shit) when you have spent less than 8 hours with her split between two sessions? How does she spend a day and a half on the stand talking about Chris and sky hughes perceptions of the relationship between Travis and the murdering bitch without ever having an interview with Chris and Sky hughes? A day and a fucking half and never talked to either one of them? Really? I have obviously made some egregious career choices in my life and would now like to become a sexual kink expert. This sunshine filled lollypop of triple dipped psycho is going for $300 per hour. That the Aunty Sue we need more money for appeals and experts and stuff definitely isn’t paying for. You are Arizona. I would have done it for half just so you know. Of course it would have been over Skype, but still. I could have saved you a fortune and done a way better job.

This is Dr. Sexpert. dr sxpert Thank you Jeff Gold. She will now for the duration of the retrial be referred to as Dr. Sexpert.  Also, just as an aside, it’s pretty bad when the kink expert is looking at the defense attorney like she needs an adult.  Just sayin’.

Anyway, we started the day going over emails from Lisa Andrews. Lisa was crazy in love with Travis AKA T-Dogg AKA Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde at one point and wanted to marry him. She apparently had a hard time staying away from him once they broke up which proves…what? Travis was kind and funny and attractive and dated people. THE BASTARD!!

Dr. Sexpert started to get into the idea that Travis had a thing for young girls. Juan was up barking lack of foundation (thank god I was starting to think he was sick or had lost his voice or something) and was sustained. Alfred E in his usual “I’m getting paid by the word fashion” began again. Dr. Sexpert got in that Stabby with a bald cooch and braids raised a red flag for her to which I said “why, did Travis hold her down, shave the bitch and braid her hair..OR did she show up that way?” Myself and Jeff Gold seemed to be on the same page because he was as confused as I was as to how this was relevant to anything. Dr. Sexpert also took Ms Jodi’s *BARF,BARF, and BARF* word for it that Travis was pulling it to pics of little boys, never mind that in all these years absolutely ZERO evidence of this has ever been produced and said that was another huge red flag. Because I am nothing if not thorough even if the subject matter is ridiculous and happens to disgust me I did a bunch of research on pedophilia and am now probably on some fucking watch list somewhere. By definition pedophiles have a sexual attraction to children predominantly 11 yrs of age or younger and do not generally cross gender lines. That means that they either like little boys or little girls. Of course as with all things there are those that don’t care, but as a rule, they like boys or they like girls.

Now before we move on to the rest of the paid $300 an hour by the not so great State of Arizona’s witnesses testimony, I have a question for you all. You don’t have to answer out loud if you don’t want to, but answer it in your head and be honest. How many of you were doing sexual things when you were 12, 13, 14 years old. Not forced things, those don’t count, but sexually curious things, be it masturbating, giving someone a handjob, or anything of that nature. With yourself or with someone, doesn’t matter. My point is that at those ages, kids become sexually curious and aware of themselves sexually. Travis was 12 and 13 and 14 at some point. So what are the odds that he might have been playing I will play with yours if you will play with mine with someone around the same age as him and she had an orgasm and that is how he knew what that sounded like? That is a perfectly reasonable and also perfectly normal part of growing up to me. That does not make him a pedophile. I know it’s a gross conversation but somebody had to say it. It is a perfectly reasonable explanation for why that statement ever came out of his mouth. If that was his first experience with a female orgasm it would have been a fond memory and a memory that would have aroused him because he is a man and the wind blowing in the right direction will arouse most of them.

Now, back to Dr. Sexpert. She is officially LaToilette 2.O and has downed the whole gallon of Stabby Kool-Aid. Why oh why would poor Stabby go back to a man she had just allegedly discovered masturbating to pictures he shouldn’t have been, never mind that Napoleon never barked when she came in, never mind that the Christmas decorations she was supposedly there to help him put in the attic were never found, never mind that he decided to masturbate to illegal material in the middle of the day when he knew she was coming and didn’t lock the door, she caught him and it sickened her to the point that she vomited and got a headache. Then she went back to him. According to Dr. Sexpert this would be because she was so blinded by love for him that she could not help herself. (somebody remind me to send Mi’Lady a thank you note for the Pretoria puke bucket) Then she emphatically stated that she was not calling Travis a pedophile, there were just some red flags. She next said that Travis and Stabby were not engaged in any type of unlawful sexual activities which kind of cancels out the red flags she spoke of earlier yeah?

Then she said the most hilariously funny thing I have ever heard in my life. It was put a half can of pop though my nose funny. She said that Travis was the sexually seasoned one and poor wittle Stabbykins was completely unseasoned. This is a woman that could turn at least two aisles in a candy store into sex toys but she was sexually unseasoned. What exactly is Dr. Sexperts standard if this succubus is considered sexually unseasoned by her?

Alfred E. Nurmi was STILL on direct when court was called for the evening and it was announced that due to some magical emergency court would be dark till Thursday. Yup, December 18th is totally going to happen.

Juan apparently has filed a motion for sanctions against Nurms because the hard drive that was provided to the State was one that belonged to some dude name Tony and had nothing to do with the case. He said that Nurmi is obviously trying to stall and he wanted the mirror image of the correct hard drive by noon today, or he wanted Nurmi in front of an ethics committee or facing some jail time. Totally won’t happen, but it goes to show how pissed off Juan is getting.

In totally unrelated news, Charles Manson applied for a marriage license in Kings County today. He is going to marry some chick named Star. Hey, Stabby thinks she’s a star, Manson is marrying a star. Maybe Manson and Stabby are tying the knot. Ewwww, I just gave myself the willies. Christ on a cracker, can you imagine.

So there you have it, a big huge bunch of nothing, much like the rest of the big bunches of nothing that seem to be this entire penalty phase retrial that the defense is trying to turn into a whole new trial. I hate Stabby. I hate this trial. I am starting to hate Arizona. I still love pop tarts.

RBMD peacing the fuck out. Have a great night everybody.

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