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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law – The “You’re a Dick! No, You’re a Dick!” Hearing

November 22, 2014

Hello Students.  Please stand and face Florida for the singing of the Class anthem.  Now Salute!! Thank you take your seats.  Your Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery has had a very trying day.  There is nothing that I hate more than hearings.  Any kind of hearings.  Ones that have bearing on a case at hand are enough of a pain in the ass never mind the ones we are going to be talking about today where it is nothing more than a pissing contest in order to waste even more time than has already been wasted.

Before we start class, I have some announcements.  We have reached the half way portion of the term.  Congratulations to everyone who has made it this far as well as congratulations to Deb on giving up her sharp instrument fetish as well as to Silly for her stunning knife collection.  We will begin campaigning for who will give the fuckology address at graduation, so get out there and flog for votes.  Oh, and since ultimately it is my decision, I suggest bribes.  Remember what I told you in class before. If opposing council offers you large sums of money and nobody saw it, did it really ever happen?  In the event that your Law Professor needs to take some time off, BlueWhiteRed has agreed to run the class for me while I am away.  You will of course make your Dean of Fuckery proud and make sure to take notes and turn in all assignments on time.  BWR will be fielding all emails, comments, and will no doubt be requesting some guest blogging so please think of some subjects you may want to write about.  This is only if I don’t feel that I can blog while I convalesce.  The doctor assures me that if I am feeling up to it, I can blog from the hospital so we will see.

Take out your tablets, this is something that as lawyers you are unfortunately going to have to deal with on probably more than one occasion.

There are many reasons for hearings to be held.  There could be a problem with a witness.  There could be accusations of Jury tampering, there could be hearing regarding what evidence is admissible or whether an expert witness needs to be qualified.  These are all perfectly valid reasons to hold hearings.  Then of course there are the bullshit hearings that are meant to do nothing more than waste time and try and stall the inevitable a little bit longer.  In this category there is the “I need 127 more months with the evidence because 6 years wasn’t enough” hearing, the “I am offended by the press that I loved long time during the first trial” hearing and when all else fails and both sides want to punch each other directly in the nuts, there is the “you’re a dick! No. You’re a dick!” hearing.  That is the hearing we will be concentrating on today.

The “you’re a dick. No, you’re a dick hearing is basically where opposing council, a court reporter, the judge, depending on who council is a vet with a tranquilizer gun, two or three fake experts, the defendant in all its jingly jangly glory, the representatives of the family of the victim if they so wish and if it is a really good hearing usually a referee and a couple of medics. Once everyone is present the hearing will begin. Except it won’t because defense council will immediately begin telling the sometimes Judge at the hearing that he does not want his client filmed during the hearing. Just as a side note, if you passed contract law and you want to be a defense attorney, you can usually wrangle being paid by the word or word and length of trial. Things to remember when deciding what specialty to go into. Once defense is told to sit on it and spin the hearing can begin.

There will be some vaguely believable reason to have the hearing.  It will usually start with one lawyer calling the other lawyer a big fat liar liar pants on fire.  The insulted party will than usually come back with something like I’m not the liar, you are the liar and your expert is an idiot.  The first lawyer will generally come back with my expert is less of an idiot than your expert because they can make shadow animals in eyeballs to which offended lawyer number one will laugh and say oh yes the Taco Bell dog, I remember it well. He will likely present a visual just to prove he does remember this particular idiot expert. taco bell dog

 

After a bit more back and forth, the inevitable You’re a dick. No, you’re a dick will be given voice and that is when the fun really begins.

If you are dealing with a particularly um……lively attorney, tranquilizer darts 1 and 2 will likely be deployed and everyone will hope they have some effect.  There will generally be back up darts on hand just in case.  Then and only then can the battle of the idiot expert witnesses begin.

The referee will likely position himself between opposing council and near the top corner of where idiot expert number 1 is seated.

Opposing council will each have a go at each idiot expert.  It will quickly become apparent which side each idiot expert is working for.  Every once in a while you will get a bonus and you will have an idiot expert that was formerly and idiot expert in a different area of expertise.  Those are always a good time.  They are ALWAYS the cocky ones.

Lets say we have suddenly missing files on a computer hard drive.  Defense council will say that prosecution council knew about the files and deleted them on purpose.  Prosecution council will deny that this ever occurred.  Prosecutions idiot witness will say that there were ZERO files on the computer.  Defenses idiot expert that has already failed in one discipline will say that that there were 800 billion porn files that were deleted and will then proceed to get into an epic pissing match with the prosecuting attorney.  If you have a prosecuting attorney who needs to be tranquilized prior to being turned loose on witnesses, this is not generally recommended but can be hysterically funny.

First, the attorneys will argue with who asked for the evidence, who had the evidence, who turned on the evidence, how long they turned it on for, whether it was even the correct evidence, if there was even evidence and eventually it will get blamed on some third party who no longer has anything to do with the trial. This attorney will then become offended and they will offer testimony of the it wasn’t me variety. See our second class of the case study of the it wasn’t me defense. It wasn’t me will blame the prosecuting attorney, the prosecuting attorney will blame it wasn’t me and one or more of the idiot experts and if he’s good, like Juan Martinez good he will even get it alluded too that the defendant itself did it onto the record.

In extremely rare circumstances you may get an idiot expert that chooses that particular moment to completely lose their shit and that is when you leave stupid boring hearing and you have a party on your hands. This is also when you get to find out why there is a tranquilizer gun and a referee on hand. For brevities sake we will refer to idiot expert as BN for Big Numpti. BN may take several moments to up his laptop so that it can be projected onto the big screen. The BN will then explain what the current iteration of his area of idiot expertise is. The BN will then go over all the rules of forensics as he understands them. The first rule of forensics is that you don’t talk about forensics………..wait, I may have that mixed up with something else, your Law Professor is very tired. Anyway, BN will then go over the last time the drive with the missing files was turned on (maybe he tells it how hot it is and asks if it wants to see his disc drive or something who the fuck knows) how long it was on for, what it did while it was on, then BN will explain that turning the cpu on and off without an NCASE program in place violates forensics protocols. Then BN will go over of the Trojans and viruses that caused some of the porn files to magically appear and that there were also tons, like 80 bajillion porn files that were manually accessed. (why does manually accessed sound dirty when coupled with the word porn?) This type of Q and A will last for the better part of forever and you will probably fall asleep five or six times during this part of the hearing. It is only when the prosecutor gets up to examine the idiot witness that the fun and games begin.

First BN will say there were 166000 porn files on the hard drive. ONE. HUNDRED. AND. SIXTY. SIX. THOUSAND. this will be your clue that this particular BN is going in. The prosecuting attorney who has already been tranquilized will choose that moment to show the entire room that the dope doesn’t work anymore and snap at the BN “YOU’RE GUESSING RIGHT? YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW.” BN will let us know at this moment that he has for sure gone insane when he refers to the prosecuting attorney BY. HIS. NAME. and fire back that the thing was packed with porn. Phones with missing sim cards may come up, and if the prosecutor is good like I said they will get it insinuated on the record that the defendant did something with the evidence to get rid of it. The BN may try to argue the point and the referee may have to jump in the middle to hold the prosecutor off long enough for another dart to be deployed before he snaps out “YOU WEREN’T THERE WHEN THESE PHONES WERE SEIZED WERE YOU?” The prosecuting attorney will be by now foaming at the mouth at being challenged by the BN. It will quite frankly piss him off. If you think the prosecutor is dangerously angry at this point, start placing side bets on what it takes to push him completely over the edge and hope the BN says something like “Your question is irrelevant.” Then hope you bet within the next 60 seconds as the BN says “You don’t understand computers.” that should do the trick in most hearings of this nature.

The prosecuting attorney at this point should make suggestions that BN himself broke the hard drive. The obviously insane BN will have some charming retort like that is just slimy. Twice. The sometimes Judge attending the hearing will at about this point notice that the prosecuting attorney is very close to launching and possibly mauling the BN to death so the hearing will be called for the day and not reconvened for about a month, hopefully giving the veterinarian time to find some new kind of tranquilizer to use at the remainder of the hearing.

There you have it class, the You’re a dick! No. You’re a dick! hearing. Have a lovely evening.

Class dismissed.

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