Hello everyone. As your Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery, it is very important to me that I STRESS that the law is supposed to be used to put those who commit crimes in jail and keep those who do not out. I understand that this is often not the case, but any Law Professor worth their salt really does want to see the law used for its intended purpose. With that in mind and because I am sure I can do a much better job, I am appointing myself to the bench and may now hereby be referred to as Judge Really Big Mean Dog, Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery.
I, Kelly AKA Really Big Mean Dog, do solemnly affirm that I will administer justice way better than the sometimes Judge that I am about to
kick the I mean take the place of temporarily, and that I will faithfully and impartially discharge and perform all the duties incumbent upon me as a Jurist and as the Dean of Fuckery of The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law under the Constitution and laws of the United States; and that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; ESPECIALLY when the constitution is being treated like a kickball by some idiot attorney with way to much time on his hands; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, regardless of my serious mental issues and because I can make the law way more fun than it is right now; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter.
YAY!!! Now that I am a Judge, there are some pressing matters that I must attend to in Arizona (like all of them) so tonight there will be a brief lesson on Computer Forensics by this weeks teaching assistant. Marti please take the floor.
A Simple Lesson in Computer Forensics
Duck for Flying Shrapnel
Hi class, my name is Marti, the assistant to the assistant Dean of Fuckery. You know the ritual, so please sit down and get your note taking equipment ready.
As various electronic devices are part of our daily lives, you need to understand the basic rules when one of those devices is taken into evidence. Never touch any part of the device, unless you know that the fingerprint experts have completed their task.
In this class we will discuss a computer in evidence. If you and your team want to see what files are on the computer, don’t do it without an expert in computer forensics. I see some of you with puzzled looks, so let me explain. What if the simple act of turning on the computer and booting it causes it to “blow up?” What if the computer contains a real bomb? However, the computer may also be loaded with software that will cause all files to be erased when the computer is booted, another form of “blowing up.”
OK, so the computer didn’t “blow up” and the files seem to be there. But what happened when the computer was booted up? The computer goes through many housekeeping procedures when it’s booted up. Those housekeeping procedures may destroy evidence that your expert will need for analysis. Log files, cache files, history files, etc. may be erased or modified.
I see more puzzled looks. You need to know this because your integrity as a lawyer may be called into question if a computer that your team examined shows improper forensic computer science was used.
A properly trained computer forensics expert will not turn on a computer, they will remove the hard drive of the computer and then make a copy, often called mirror image or clone. The copy of the hard drive will then be used for analysis. The copy must be write-protected, that is, encoded with software that prohibits anyone from erasing or modifying files. The computer and the original hard drive will be placed in a secure location.
Also, make sure that all documentation shows the correct chain of evidence. Make sure that all documentation shows the procedures used in making a copy of the hard drive, and the procedures used by trained computer forensic experts during analysis.
If you have any questions please submit them in the form of a Haiku or 1500 word essay. Or don’t. Either works.
That is it for tonight class. Since tonight I am the assistant to the assistant Dean of Fuckery; Marti peacing the fuck out!!
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