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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law: Computer Forensics Explained. A Guest Blog By Marti

Hello everyone.   As your Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery, it is very important to me that I STRESS that the law is supposed to be used to put those who commit crimes in jail and keep those who do not out.  I understand that this is often not the case, but any Law Professor worth their salt really does want to see the law used for its intended purpose.  With that in mind and because I am sure I can do a much better job, I am appointing myself to the bench and may now hereby be referred to as Judge Really Big Mean Dog, Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery.

I, Kelly AKA Really Big Mean Dog, do solemnly affirm that I will administer justice way better than the sometimes Judge that I am about to kick the I mean take the place of temporarily, and that I will faithfully and impartially discharge and perform all the duties incumbent upon me as a Jurist and as the Dean of Fuckery of The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law  under the Constitution and laws of the United States; and that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; ESPECIALLY when the constitution is being treated like a kickball by some idiot attorney with way to much time on his hands; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, regardless of my serious mental issues and because I can make the law way more fun than it is right now; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. 

YAY!!!  Now that I am a Judge, there are some pressing matters that I must attend to in Arizona (like all of them)  so tonight there will be a brief lesson on Computer Forensics by this weeks teaching assistant.  Marti please take the floor.

A Simple Lesson in Computer Forensics

Duck for Flying Shrapnel

Hi class, my name is Marti, the assistant to the assistant Dean of  Fuckery. You know the ritual, so please sit down and get your note taking equipment ready.

As various electronic devices are part of our daily lives, you need to understand the basic rules when one of those devices is taken into evidence. Never touch any part of the device, unless you know that the fingerprint experts have completed their task.

In this class we will discuss a computer in evidence. If you and your team want to see what files are on the computer, don’t do it without an expert in computer forensics. I see some of you with puzzled looks, so let me explain. What if the simple act of turning on the computer and booting it causes it to “blow up?”  What if the computer contains a real bomb? However, the computer may also be loaded with software that will cause all files to be erased when the computer is booted, another form of “blowing up.”

OK, so the computer didn’t “blow up” and the files seem to be there. But what happened when the computer was booted up? The computer goes through many housekeeping procedures when it’s booted up. Those housekeeping procedures may destroy evidence that your expert will need for analysis. Log files, cache files, history files, etc. may be erased or modified.

I see more puzzled looks. You need to know this because your integrity as a lawyer may be called into question if a computer that your team examined shows improper forensic computer science was used.

A properly trained computer forensics expert will not turn on a computer, they will remove the hard drive of the computer and then make a copy, often called mirror image or clone.  The copy of the hard drive will then be used for analysis. The copy must be write-protected, that is, encoded with software that prohibits anyone from erasing or modifying files.  The computer and the original hard drive will be placed in a secure location.

Also, make sure that all documentation shows the correct chain of evidence. Make sure that all documentation shows the procedures used in making a copy of the hard drive, and the procedures used by trained computer forensic experts during analysis.

If you have any questions please submit them in the form of a Haiku or 1500 word essay.  Or don’t. Either works.

That is it for tonight class.  Since tonight I am the assistant to the assistant Dean of Fuckery;  Marti peacing the fuck out!!
Class dismissed.

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47 Responses to The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law: Computer Forensics Explained. A Guest Blog By Marti

  1. Jeannie says:

    I love how you take things that seem so complicated and put it in plain English. I live for your blog. Never stop writing. You’re great at it.

  2. Connie Rust says:

    Hi Kelly….please thank your assistant to the assistant for the very informative blog.

    I have a question….after the coa’s FUCK YOU NURMI ruling today, were able to hear Akfred E whining up there in Canada? I imagine he uttered a wave of obscenities that will forever loom over our atmosphere. I feel sorry for those poor saps in the space station….

    Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Connie. I will pass along your thanks to Marti. Ya know, I wondered what the high pitched whining was. Now I know. Hope you have a great weekend.

  3. Connie Rust says:

    Oh…and congrats on your promotion! My faith in our justice system has been restored!

  4. Mama Via says:

    Well done! Everyone needs a promotion! Much live on this Thanksgiving Day (just cuz Canada doesn’t have one, doesn’t mean I can’t be thankful for you!). Love, mama!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Mama: I declared it poptart day in Canada yesterday. I can do that, I’m a Judge, so that we could all celebrate too with delicious pastry. YAY!!

  5. limey99 says:

    Well done Marti…another gap filled in for my law file!
    Well we in Canada had our Thanksgiving back in November. Anyone know how to get gravy stains out of Spandex? 😜

    Hope you all have had a great time over the border.🎇🍸🍹🍻
    Get well soon Kelly. 😘

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Limey: USA thanksgiving is now official poptart day for us. I decreed it yesterday so that we could celebrate with them. I can do that, I’m a judge now lol. Have a great night.

  6. karen30036 says:

    I thought their argument was Martinez and Flores were ultimately responsible for all evidence, why would they allow a lawyer (not a forensic specialist) to start up the computer? All of the accusations hurled at Juan have so far been cooked up piles of steaming horseshit by desperate hacks and the latest is no different. They claim Juan used this computer evidence (or lack therof) to impeach Stabby to show she lies ..(.excuse me while i wipe down my computer from the coffee spewing from my nose). ok, laughing fit over …Mr. I can see a Chahuahua in Travis’ eyeball obviously decided the only work he can now get is in the gutter with the likes of Alfred E., his sexperts, his scummy clients, and the rest of the warts on tha ass of sosiety. I can only hope he picked up a herpes virus after shaking Stabbys hand. Fuck Stabby, fuck her lawyers, fuck their sexperts, fuck Sandy and Sue and fuck Bill too (hey that rhymed). Fuck crackhead Patti, stupid Angela, dorky Carl and wheelchair prop granny while you’re at it. Now I feel better. Thanks for letting me rant on this day of thanks.
    By the way, the menu for Stabby today is …

    Turkey soy casserole, 12 ounces, 24c
    Fresh mashed potatoes, 1 cup, 11c
    Glazed carrots, 1 cup, 6c
    Cranberry sauce [donated]
    Fresh fruit, 4 ounces, 8c
    Brownie parfait [donated]
    Dinner roll, 1 each, 4c
    Margarine, 2 each, 2c

    Total: 55c/inmate

    ~ CBS 5

    • HarleyGirl says:

      Karen, don’t forget stabby would like to suck a dick for dessert!

    • Mama Via says:

      I think I’d PASS on the 55c meal!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Karen: Honestly, after a while it really is just that noise the teacher on the peanuts cartoons used to make, you know that waa waa waa noise. I can’t even keep track anymore. You feel better? That was one of the most beautiful displays of fuck that I have seen in a while. Almost brought tears to my eyes. I hope she enjoyed every single mouthful of her slop.

  7. Mama Via says:

    Our menu:
    All you can eat!
    Turducken
    Green bean casserole
    Corn soufflé
    Smashed taters & gravy
    Dijon mustard butter Brussel sprouts
    Cornbread stuffing
    Rolls & butter
    Cranberry-Orange-Pecan sauce
    Pumpkin Pie
    Crumble Baked Apples stuffed with pecans, walnuts & cinnamon
    Pecan pie

    All made “from scratch” by MamaVia (except the Turducken)
    For all of y’all who don’t know what Turducken is…it is a stuffed, boneless TURkey stuffed with a boneless DUCK stuffed with a boneless chickEN stuffed with rice, sausage and crawfish and shrimp dressing! YUM YUM…why weren’t y’all here?

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Mama: Please save me cornbread stuffing, rolls and butter, cranberry, orange anything, pumpkin pie, Crumble baked apples. Thanks Mama.

    • Connie Rust says:

      Hey Mama….we must have been related in a past life as my menu was very similar….except for the Turducken which I have never head of but would love to try. I stuffed my bird with an orange, lime, onion and garlic and (after rubbing with a salt, sugar and ancho chile powder rub) basted with a maple syrup/molasses/soy sauce mixture…then added 2 cups of bourbon to the bottom of the pan. Makes for a very yummy gravy! I’d like to know how u made those brussel sprouts. I love brussel sprouts and made a maple pecan version but always looking for new ways to fix them. Will u share?

  8. kathy says:

    Well, BN must not have kept in a secure location if the hard drives got mixed up.

  9. karen30036 says:

    Mama Via, I’d have to wear my fat pants for sure … sounds wonderful.

    • Mama Via says:

      I had to drag out my “wide load” pants! But, I’m over 60, and married..who cares if I’m FAT? (Actually, I HATE the 14WIDE pants…I was an 8 until the doc started shooting me full of steroids!…but at least I don’t hurt much!!!)

      • reallybigmeandog says:

        I was a double zero till my doctor started giving me all these stupid pills. I seriously only eat poptars like 99 percent of the time. Now I am a size 4 and I haven’t changed anything except medication. I don’t care except how can I put on weight when I eat maybe 4 poptarts (usually only two at 320 calories per two) and drink 2 cans of pepsi a day. That isn’t even a thousand calories a day. Seriously if you open my fridge there is pepsi and if you go in my cupboards there are poptarts.

  10. BlueWhiteRed says:

    Marti, great, great adjunct faculty lesson! Kels, your “allowance” ships Monday to my post office’s lifer laughter. Hope all had a great Thanksgiving. Not much to say except thanks, you guys. BWR

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Blue. YAY!!! Marti did a great job. I hope we get more guest blogs. All this knowledge is a great thing. Hope you had a great thanksgiving.

  11. Mama Via says:

    Has anyone heard from Miss K?? She’s AWOL again!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      I’m here mama. Migraine. Bad one so I am lying in the dark. I will get to the comments probably tomorrow. Have a great night.

  12. Mama Via says:

    Get well soon! I get those derned things too…so I know what you are enduring! Sending healing love!

    Mama

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Mama. Finally fell asleep last night and woke up feeling less like my head might explode so…YAY!!

  13. Lindalu says:

    Hi all, new to the blog and nice to get some comedy relief while being tortured watching this debacle. I have a question as I was traveling for awhile and might have missed it but…. who the heck has seen any of these files? anyone?anyone?anyone? Has it been documented they were there at one time and now are gone? Or is it just Jodi’s delusional psychosis and fictional stories as usual? I swear I am so exhausted of her making up crap and the defense spending so much time giving her pleasure having to defend Travis.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hi Lindalu. Welcome to the comment section of the program. That question is kind of difficult because theoretically yes, but technically no. It is a big huge thing that hasn’t been resolved yet. I don’t think it is Stabby’s psychosis, my personal opinion is that if there was porn, she put it there. My other opinion is so what. Name me an everyday man that hasn’t looked at porn on the computer. None of this means anything. It is just a time waster.

      • Mama Via says:

        Have you read PVs latest blog? Nothing is ever HER fault, either…such a VICTIM! I’d hate to be the victim of a relationship with her!

      • Lindalu says:

        I can’t read any blog about her personally as it makes me completely ill.

        You are correct the computer doesn’t mean anything. Just another ploy to buy her more face time.

      • reallybigmeandog says:

        Mama: I’ll take your word for it mmmmmkay? LOL!

      • Mama Via says:

        Welcome, Lindalu…I didn’t actually MEAN to read it…I THOUGHT I remembered UNsubscribing…hadn’t heard anything in WEEKS…and then, there she is this morning…it wasn’t until I had read most of it that I realized who the author was…I’ll blame my bad eyes! I go consult with the eye surgeon tomorrow…

  14. kathy says:

    Does Marit think NB followed protocol?

  15. Lindalu says:

    I will send a priest over to cleanse you! 🙂

  16. kathy says:

    Can you take Imitrex/

  17. Mama Via says:

    Went to my REGULAR eye doc…(his wife was my matron if honor when we got married)..he’s very VERY conservative with treatment AND referrals…he basically reconfirmed what the LensCrafters doc said…”go see the surgeon, you are probably ready to have cataracts removed AND have double corneal transplants…” “Oh, and NO UNNECESSARY DRIVING!” Merry fukkin Christmas! (Also, no reading, watching TV, computer, etc”. What am I supposed to do with my spare time? I take Kadian which doesn’t just kill the feeling of PAIN…it kills ALL sensation…so I guess seeing if the batteries in my vibrator still work is a waste of time! Sigh…I’m supposed to see DR McDonald this week or next…we will SEE…(ar, ar, ain’t I PUNNY!)

    Love to all

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Mama: Damn. I was hoping that you were going to tell us that your eyes were just over tired or something. Fuuuuuck. Sorry about your vibrator. Take a picture and send it to stabby for Christmas. You are the puniest person I ever met. Be well Mama.

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