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Really Big Mean Dog Presents: Lowered Expectations

 

I think today might actually be Christmas, I’ll let you decide.- HRM Queen Kelly Region of Mean

Hai everybody.  So, I went out today IN PUBLIC and bought me a Christmas Tree.  Which I had to bring home in the back of a Camaro because 30 year old cars are just how I roll.  I bought her off the assembly line and I have had her ever since.  I have had other cars, cars that I murdered most heinously, but Rocket Dog is still sort of rolling.  I digress.  Getting that Christmas tree made me feel all kinds of festive and so in the spirit of Christmas I decided that the giving of presents was in order.  Since we all know that I can’t even afford furnace oil, it was going to have to be something I made, or maybe just a good deed or something.  The universe (which I am hoping to be declared supreme ruler of) is indeed kind because it didn’t just hand me one good deed I could do, it handed me two of them and if you count this blog, which I sincerely suggest you do not read while drinking anything hot, three good deeds.

E-Harmony is all great and stuff, Christian mingle is a thing, but what about all those less than…pleasant people?  Don’t they deserve dates too?  I say they do, so I invented Lowered Expectations for the more difficult to find dates for.

Our first Candidate goes by the initials PV.  I happened across what is allegedly her dating profile and it was just so, so wrong.  Remember what I said about giving and good deeds and stuff.  Well, my good deed is going to be to fix it for PV, whoever that might be.   This is what PV wrote.

sandras-dating-site-profile

pv-dating-profile-part-2

Now, this is a perfectly vanilla cry for someone, anyone to date her, but you can see the problems almost immediately.  We at Lowered Expectations believe strongly in reality and so I have re-written this desperate plea in hopes that someone, anyone will give PV a chance.

Okay, I’m going to re-write because this is mostly bullshit anyway so hang tight, or just judge me by my 30 to 40 year old pics. HA!

Update: After reading over every single profile in an attempt to find someone, anyone who might date me (which you would think would be easy because as I am fond of saying, I hit the genetic jackpot and what matters more than looks)?  I am creative and when I say that what I mean is that I will just make shit up on a whim and keep saying it until even I believe it is true. I can always find solutions for problems and challenges by threatening and posting information on peoples home addresses just in case one of my flunkies wants to pay a visit.  I am also very good at hand to hand combat.

I am from the South.  Not the demure ladylike South, more like the South Bronx if it was actually in the South. Which it sort of is…I guess.   I am totally closed minded and the most judgmental person you will ever in this lifetime meet.  If you don’t believe me, read my blog sometime. HA!

I am completely illogical and irrational and my favorite hobbies are stalking, making up stories about actual journalists and posting pictures of myself when I was 20 years old.  I care very much about making each and every interaction that I have with others as miserable as possible.  It makes me feel less inferior than I usually do.  I especially love picking on the old and infirm and along with my best friend Joe, making fun of people with facial scars from domestic abuse.  Nothing makes me happier than when I can make someone cry.  They are all freaks anyway and so they don’t matter.  Oh, I almost forgot, I also love to take screen shots all day long and then use them in the blog that I write.  It gives me a purpose.

So, in a nutshell what I am looking for in a potential mate is a lonely, insane frustrated wannabe investigative reporter like myself who must be deaf, mute and similarly Stabby obsessed to listen to me talk nonstop…Must also hate jews, homosexuals, sane people, juan martinez and Jen wood…preferably male,…must love cats, and dead rats.  Fish lovers need not apply.

 

 

RBMD peacing the fuck out.

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41 Responses to Really Big Mean Dog Presents: Lowered Expectations

  1. Tyla says:

    OMFG Kelly you killed it, I just about pissed my pants. You are too fucking funny girl 🙂

  2. Diana says:

    This is so spot on but don’t let her get you upset, rest! I am so happy to hear you got a tree though!
    I read her ad in disbelief, she has posted her hatred of other ethnicities, gay people, disabled people, prosecutors, legitimate news reporters (who are female or named Jeff Gold, or disagree with her “I am always right” attitude, hates living in the US but doesn’t want an extremist?
    She was at one time a beautiful woman, I don’t know what she looks like now but it is not that picture she wants us to believe is current and I have the feeling that the bitter,hateful bile she spews on a daily basis has come to the forefront and shows.
    I do my best to feel pity for her, she has no family and does not seem to know how. She only courts syncophants and does not seem to have one true confidante
    . However I can’t feel pity for one who daily attacks domestic violence victims,murder victims, the weak,infirm or anyone who does not meet her criteria. She not only attacks, she creates numerous identities to carry out these attacks so those who may feel alone are overwhelmed.
    I have long thought that she somehow identifies with Jodi, that is why she fights so bitterly against anyone who disagrees that she suffered at the hands of this man who did not love her back.
    She will die alone because she, like Jodi, fails to realize you cannot demand love or respect, that your outer looks or lack thereof is no substitute for inner beauty or goodness.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Diana: She doesn’t bother me any more. I just look at where it’s coming from. She wouldn’t know legitimate news if it bit her on the ass and while I don’t feel pity for her, I do find her highly amusing. Have a great night.

  3. jackie hardie says:

    Hahaha!! Merry Fucking Christmas Kelly!! You nailed it!! What a gift you have been given and in your most generous way, shared it with the rest of us.

    Karma’s a bitch PV and I hope Juror #3 sends you a big bouquet of Lavender this year to rid the stench of dead rats from your lovely? home.

    Can’t imagine why you’re having problems “connecting” with another decent Human Being!?! Hmmm…go figure.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Jackie: YAY!! Karma is a bitch so call me Karma. That rat thing just killed me. Have you ever smelled decomp? It is disgusting.

      • jackie hardie says:

        Can’t say that I have, but I noticed that she left that little morsel out of her Bio. For some reason I also envision Cockroaches crawling across a sink full of dirty dishes. Sucks to be PV!!

  4. Adele says:

    As Tyla said….you killed it, my friend. I am so happy for you! Going out, getting a tree..amazing you.
    And, well PV…is PV..nothing else necessary.
    Well done, as always.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Adele: I’m still in shock that I went and got a tree. IN PUBLIC. Thank you. Have a great night.

  5. Samantha Williams says:

    Thank you for this Kel.. I can always count on you to have my back. I love you my friend.

  6. bobbie thompson says:

    YAY! Two blogs in one day.

    I nearly fell out of my office chair when I read what that idiot thinks of herself. Seriously?! Can you say zero self introspection. Logical and rational?! Yeah. Keep telling yourself that Miss-I-think-the-ninjas-did-it.

    Pleasant interactions? Yeah people are pleasantly surprised when she calls them names and posts their private info. Yeah I sure need some of that pleasant interaction.

    And the best one: She will NOT tolerate judgmental, arrogant,selfish, angry assholes. Really? How does she stand herself then? Wonder what her definition of those terms are cause last I looked her name was right next to every one of those.

    I guess it’s true you can lie behind the keyboard cuz that is the biggest load of fucking lying I’ve seen. Fuck me running! There are true idiots in the world!

  7. Anne Wyatt says:

    Hahahaha brilliant!

  8. brenda says:

    Omg I chocked on my food!!! Lmbo another great blog!!!

  9. Debbie Young says:

    OMG! Another great one!

  10. renaes24 says:

    Two blog entries in one day! It really must be Christmas because here you have give us yet another gift.
    On PV: what can I say? I like calling her Incontinent (non)Truth because she shits all over people and winds up pissing on herself.
    In fact, she is so good, that sometimes she does both at the same time like a cow (if that is not understood, a visit to a dairy farm may be in order…..it won’t take long).
    You made me question myself. For some time now I thought with all her ‘Stabby love’ and the few misfits she ‘hangs’ with……that she was gay….I could totally see her as a carpet muncher, however, I don’t think Christian Mingle is into that. For her, I would recommend the Plenty of Fish site…..it is far more fitting.

    • renaes24 says:

      Oops. forgot to say I hope you enjoy your tree and show it to at least one or two other people?????

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Renaes: Told you I was feeling all christmasy and shit. OMG I almost put plenty of fish but I figured it was just too easy.

  11. BlueWhiteRed says:

    I’m going to buy you a Christmas tree every week! BLAM!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      I love my Christmas tree. I’m really glad I made myself go get one. I feel all warm and fuzzy just looking at it.

  12. Lacey says:

    Kelly, hope you are feeling a little better, stay well my friend

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Lacey: I’m okay, just always tired, but mentally today I am having a great day. Thank you I will do my best.

  13. Oh my! Only you, Kelly. Only you would take the time to create a whole new site for the really LOW and call it Lowered Expectations! I don’t plan on ever joining tho’.

    (I can’t stop laughing, Kelly! Only you…..anything this brilliant would never enter my feeble mind!)

    Love you more with each new blog, Kelly! Be sure to rest. Don’t spend too much energy trying to be a match maker. (The two photos of PV’s friends…I hate to burst your bubble, but really, it may be hard to find a match for those two….unless he may be named ‘Nurmi’ or ‘Marc’.)

  14. Deb says:

    Stop…stop…just stop!!! Bwahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha…taking a breath….bwahahhahahahahah!!!!!!! “…outside the box” nearly killed me! I couldn’t even get past the “open-minded and nonjudgmental” without choking and aspirating!! I hate wasting good wine, snorting it thru my nose…”I’m logical and rational…” nearly made me have to mop the floor – this broad has more than one, big, screw rolling around loose in that stupid cocoanut!!! And the “…helping a person in distress…” is straight out of the twilight zone…replete with aliens that steal someone’s brain & soul and replace it with a reptilian’s (do reptiles have a soul?). Anyway…Ms. Let Me Find You a Perfect Misfit to Match How Delusional & Fucked Up You Really Are, But Pretend You’re Not…But Other People Can See How Fucked Up You Really Are A Mile Away…and if they can read and understand what an Order of Protection is and know how to read and have even the slightest interest (or stupidity) to read your blog…or worse yet…come within 30 feet of you…has potentially found you a “Mr. Right” at her excellent site. Lowered Expectations should have you hooked up (to either a total sociopathic liar such as yourself – a REAL kindred spirit aka soul mate – OR – to a high voltage electrical outlet that has a short…) sometime in the very near future. Don’t give up, you poor, wilted, bouquet of wisteria…I hear that your potential “Mr. Right” may be needing a place to hide out soon!

  15. pasha00 says:

    So I had to go to that person’s blog to see if she had posted a response (she hadn’t) but posted a bashing of juror #3. Whining that a juror is …. ummm… acting like a juror. LOL Isn’t it a juror’s job, especially in the sentencing phase of a death penalty case, to judge (the credibility of witnesses) be the jury (and deliberate on the evidence) and be the executioner (decide on life and death). That had to be the stupidest blog I have ever read! LOLOL

  16. Martini13 says:

    Laughing so hard I need to go read this again for anything I may have missed the first time!!! You are the best!!!!

    Happy you went out to buy a tree! (And secretly hoping you were jammin out to something badass in your camero’s cassette deck on the way!!) xoxo

  17. Arizona Rose says:

    OMG Kelly, you made my day! I laughed and laughed and laughed, and still have a grin as wide as Joe’s considerable chipmunk cheeks! All any prospective date needs do is to Google PV’s name to discover what type of person and how repulsive and slimy she really is.

    PS; So happy to hear you got yourself a tree! xoxo

  18. BlueWhiteRed says:

    Street Mama…..in the ‘hood?! ROFL…. ROFL…..ROFL….Hoarder ‘Hood, maybe!

  19. Beth says:

    Hi Kelly! I really really really want to piss Joe off today, but when I tried to make a donation (I am from the U.S.) it asks for a “state” but only gives provinces in Canada. It won’t accept my donation because I can’t get my state here in America in the right blank. Help! It’s so fucking important that I ruin Joe’s day and make yours a little brighter, so help me out here! What am I missing? Really, really love your blog.

  20. Beth says:

    Hi again! No worries, Kelly dear. I created a PayPal account and everything went through smoothly so Hooray!!! Take that Joe and PV! All hail the Queen of Mean!!!

  21. Ruthanne says:

    Amazing and dead on! So glad you rewrote her profile, I don’t know who she thought she was describing but it wasn’t herself that’s for sure. Yours is so much more accurate, and now she can be sure to get someone who is as crappy a person as she is. This was a great laugh! Thank you for sharing your gifts with us!

  22. Kathy Lynn says:

    This has got to be the funniest blog yet!!! Laughed so hard I almost had an accident. Well done Kelly, well done!

  23. Jessie says:

    Made my donation but must have missed where I could send you a note…. So here it is…. You’re so talented & I so hope you keep at it!!! And THANK YOU!!!

  24. karen30036 says:

    Bwahahahahahahahahahahahah

  25. Pamela Smith says:

    I’m with you fellas! That was awesome! (Santos, in your honor baby, in your honor! HA!)

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Pamela: So today after PV blocked every single one of us from reading her tweets she got suspended. Now, since we can’t read here tweets and therefore have nothing to report (and I don’t anyway because she is comedy gold) who is it that reported her into oblivion?

      • renaes24 says:

        whoever it is…I am sending up THANKS! (now if only it lasts for more than a day or two!) I swear that woman (?) is a ZOMBIE. She NEVER dies!

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