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This is a RBMD Mini Blog/ Rant

There are things that we must discuss-my brain says so that’s why.

hai everybody. Well, I still have heat. YAY me. I wanted to address something that some of the comments have sort of kind of brought to my attention. Now, your Law Professor/ Dean of Fuckery/ All Around Smartass/Queen/and front runner for Supreme Ruler of the Universe had developed a VERY tough skin over the years. Of course certain things hurt me. People being made fun of because of scars they got during their personal battles, belittling someone because of the way they look or speak. People who are tormented because they don’t fit neatly in whatever box society thinks they belong it. Any animal being hurt for someone’s fun or profit.

The point, the point what was the point. Oh yeah. I have seen some shit. I have been through some things that would curl straight hair and you all know what I have shared up to now because I love and trust you and it gets worse. Degrees. You have to get used to the water in degrees. Like someone torturing an animal, I will NOT EVER tolerate someone coming here under whatever alias they choose to torment someone that I consider a friend or someone who has come here because it is a safe haven.

You are safe here. I am not going to center out people. This is what in my own head I call the island of misfit toys. We are all of us, veterans in a way (no disrespect to blue or any other soldier who has served with dignity and for the greater good) but we have all of us been through some kind of war of our own. There are those; Mama, myself, Harley, Blue, just to name a few who have been through a nuclear blast and walked out the other side burned and sick from the radiation but alive.

You are safe here. I have infinite patience. I have the ability even now to forgive (to a point) but when I am angry, when I perceive some hurt against you my vengeance is swift and I can reduce someone to a quivering mass of gelatin with a few well placed words.

Please do not EVER feel that you need to be silent here, or that not being silent opens you up to ridicule because believe me when I tell you, you have several thousand people that have your back.

We have created a safe place here. A place for people who just want to laugh, a place for people who want to tell their stories, and everybody has one, and a place to feel that lovely warm glow that you get when people understand you.

The thing I love the very most about this blog is that everybody cares. Everybody worries about each other, everybody wants the best for their fellow blogmate. I will never let that change.

There have been comments, mostly directed towards myself, Christine, Jen Wood and a few others. It doesn’t matter because while I have saved them for something I am working on once I get all the IP addresses confirmed, you will all get to see.

You all matter to me. I take that very seriously and I will be damned if someone hurts you on my watch. On our blog. No sir. Not going to happen. So again I encourage you. Take a chance. Tell us your story. If you want it to be a blog I will post it as such. If you just want it in the comments that is fine too. But don’t you EVER be afraid of what will happen if you take that chance Not ever.

Well, this has turned into more of a rant than a blog, but it is what it is.

I love you all very much. You are the reason that I don’t spend my days with the blankets pulled up over my head like I used to. All those things you wish for me, I wish 10 fold back for you.

I think I am done. Mama, Blue, Essem, Harley, anybody else, if I missed anything just add it in the comments.

Have a great night and don’t forget the Stabby fuckery begins again tomorrow. Have a great night and rest safe in the knowledge that I will not allow anyone to hurt you here.

RBMD Peacing the fuck out!!

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89 Responses to This is a RBMD Mini Blog/ Rant

  1. margo says:

    Sounds like you have your mojo back. 🙂 Glad you’re up and writing again, especially when you share like this. I’ve never met you but I love you too. From one survivor to another. xoxo

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Margo: Thank you. Yes indeed I do. I’m especially glad to be up and writing again. Doing the countdown to surgery day and there are so many things that I want to say before that day. I love you too, each and every one of you.

  2. HarleyGirl says:

    Oh Sweetie, I am so glad you told that story. If a person can hurt an animal they should not be on this earth because that means they have no use for children or others. I know what it feels like to be in a dark room with the blankets over my head and my sleep mask on for days at a time! I know, I know, I stopped driving to my therapists office with my sleep mask on, LOL! All kidding aside I do know how that is. I stopped going out 10 yrs ago because I was tired of people hurting each other and I did not feel safe anymore. I did have complete unconditional love until I was 34. I am now 58 and have not been loved since. The unconditional love was from my Mom. She was the only person who has ever loved me. Shit now I am crying. I hate it when people say for me to get over my Mom’s death, that just pisses me off. She was everything to me.Sorry rambling. This is why I get so pissed off at these bullshit trials. It seems that the criminal has all the rights and the victims have NONE! I hope stabby dies soon because I can’t look at the fuckin murdering whore anymore and the Alexanders need to try to get closure instead of being tortured. Thank you, honey for always listening. I get you because I only leave the house when I have too. I am hoping therapy helps me this year. At least she is really nice to me even if it is because I pay her! I love you RBMD!

    • So glad you are making some progress. I will keep you in my prayers.

    • Mama Via says:

      HarleyGirl-you know I lost the two women in my life that were my world, my Gramma (1986) and my sister (1976)…this tore me apart for YEARS!!! ESPECIALLY when I was put thru the Grinder I experienced while I was married to Al-Hole, the A–hole. He would yell at me “it’s been close to 30 years, get the FUCK OVER IT!!!” The last year I was with him at Christmas, he was preparing to go on a two week tour of China, (without either of US)! My son, Al-hole and I sat near the tree and “exchanged” presents…well, actually, WE gave Al-Hole presents, and he gave us NOTHING…”I didn’t have time to buy you anything, cuz I’m getting ready to to to CHINA!!!” Neither Son or I cared about a PRESENT, we ONLY wanted to see him think about someone other than himself!

      My son escaped the house for fear he would punch A-hole in the face…And I went upstairs to be “alone”… A-hole entered my room, saw tears in my eyes…then told me that I “ruined every Christmas, crying over my sister”…and he yelled at me again to “get over it, she’s DEAD!” then stomped off…I went downstairs, got a bottle (or two, I don’t remember) of wine, and went upstairs & drank myself into a stupor. I ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor…passed out…and I only remember two things…Al-Hole coming into the bathroom and kicking me…and several hours later, my son coming in, picking me up and putting me on my bed. I decided that night that I would, against my true desire, call this marriage “irretrievably broken” and I would leave, and that one day, I would teach that man a lesson.

      It came to pass (nothing comes to STAY, it always comes to PASS) that I did divorce that A-Hole…and, in the time that passed before the divorce finalized, A-Hole’s Muther died…AS Kismet would have it, the day that we had to go to court just HAPPENED to be his Muther’s birthday…the day he went up to the cemetery to “visit” her…he was so PEEVED that the Court was slow…and I was in no rush, so I did my part in slowing the process as best I could,,,

      My attorney was passed a note to me…from a-Hole…”Will you please rush this signing? I have to go to the cemetery, it’s Muther’s birthday.” I wrote back “There’s nothing you can do to help her now…she’s DEAD, get OVER it! When I’m done reading this, I’ll sign.”

      That was one if the VERY few times I ever hurt someone’s feelings purposly.

      It’s been 38 years since I lost my sister. Until about 5-6 years ago, I would fall apart, I would go into a HUGE depression, and feel like you do now. I understand what you feel, and I’m sorry that your Mom is no longer here, on earth, to love and console you. But, never doubt that her essence still watches over you and can comfort you. I truly believe that I can still whisper my “troubles” to Gramma..and when I see a beautiful sunrise or sunset, I still take a moment, and share it with my sister. My sister was only 20…so, I vowed that I would live my life full enough for TWO people…I’d work twice as hard, and play twice as hard…and dedicate half of my joy, my experience to my sister.

      She’s been “gone” close to 40 years now…but, she’s been with me as I stood watching the sunrise on Haleakala, the sunsets standing on DiamondHead, the lights at night in Paris, fireworks reflecting on the Thames, seen the navy blue in the glaciers of Alaska, the glory of the Sierra Nevada, listened to the birds in the meadows of Yosemite, heard the quiet awe in the chapel of the Alamo and the colonial drums in Williamsburg….
      She comes with me wherever I go…and knowing she’s with me, I don’t miss her so much.

      Gramma left me a wealth of advice,,,I share it here almost daily. My gramma resides in my heart, in the things I do and say. The best parts of me were those thatmy Gramma shaped. Your mom is with YOU everyday, too. I’ll bet, just like I look in the mirror and see Gramma, that if you look in the mirror, you will see your mom! She’s only a thought away. I’d bet that if you closed your eyes in a quiet room, and listened very closely, that you’d hear her voice. When I really need some “Gramma Love”…I meditate.

      It is okay to grieve, to miss your mom…it would be weird if you DIDNT!! Yes, she’s gone from THIS life…and yes, you will always miss her. You don’t HAVE to “get over it”…but, my dear friend, you cannot let her being gone keep you from living your OWN life. Would she want you to grieve so deeply that you aren’t fulfilling the dreams she knew you had? I found a way for my loss to be felt, not denied…yet, to fulfill the potential my Gramma knew I had. I’ve had about 8 years now that I still grieved, but I’ve managed not to fall completely apart! I’ve also not forgotten that I have a duty to Son… (Cause I don’t want him singing “ding dong the bitch is dead” when MY time is over…)

      You will be okay. I know it! I’m glad that you are working with a therapist,,,mine offered me a lot of tools to assist me getting to a point I could accept my life was different without my sister & Gramma…

      You are loved here…and we all worry about you as you work thru your feelings…

      Lots of hugs!
      Mama

      • HarleyGirl says:

        Mama, What a beautiful comment to write. Your feelings about your grieve are exactly how I feel only I have ended up in the ER 3 times.I think about her every day several times a day. I am so fucking sad I can’t stand it. I want to go and sit in a church all by myself but I just can’t do it. I wish I had a support system but my daughters will not talk about it and my worthless husband does not speak to me at all. I really appreciate you comments because I know you and RBMD truly understand. Thank you so much for being here.

      • Mama Via says:

        Here is an idea…I helped me…maybe it will help you. I bought a very nice journal-a Moleskine-they run about$10-15 I think…the one that is about 5″x7″…really really nice paper! I use a fountain pen, so I bought a bottle of ink, too..a color I normally wouldn’t use…(of course, if money is an issue, a cheapie book of paper and a Stabby pencil will do…but I wanted to make this SPECIAL!! (I later got TWO BOOKS, one for my sister & one for Gramma!). At FIRST, I would write PAGES, then, I’d only write a page or two…I’ve been doing this for years…

        What I’d like to see you do…is find a special time every day (or, whenever you are moved to do it) to write to your mom. Tell her what ever you have on your heart. When I first started, it was a “ritual” for me…I got my g.grandmothers tea cup & SAUCER…prepared a cup of herbal tea…gathered my journal, my ink and fountain pen…and I sat down out on the patio at the table, had my Tea, and wrote to my sister. I poured my heart out to her…told her everything..how I missed her, what I was doing, etc, etc. I filled that first book quickly…the second was a little slower…I think I had 3-4 by the end of the year…

        This helped me a lot! A few years later…I pulled the books out…and read MOST of them…I realized how much I had changed! For my own privacy, I had a burn party…and destroyed them later…but, I STILL write…I’ve worn thru a few fountain pens…but as I said they really helped me.

        Will you at least think about trying that? You know we are all here for you…I’m sending you big hugs, honey!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Harley. First of all, I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart that I am so glad you stayed. I got an email saying you wanted to quit the blog, but it came from a weird email address and I wasn’t sure it was you. I agree with what you said. ANybody that would hurt an animal for fun or profit can never be trusted on any level in my own opinion. My standing rule is that if my dogs don’t like you, in my mind you do not exist. Oh Harley, we may not know you in person, but we KNOW you. We know your heart and all the good that lies therein. I love you when you are happy, I love you when you are sad, or angry and need to let it out. I get the pain of not understanding why nobody seems to think you are special enough to deserve love. But you do Harley and we are so happy to be able to give it to you. I hope that therapy helps you this year. I honestly think it depends on the doctor. I had huge reservations about therapy, but my Psychiatrist has truly been a godsend to me. It does work if you let it. I hope that this is the year that the Alexanders find peace (although I don’t know if they will ever have that I pray for it anyway)You are loved here Harley, always and forever.

    • Connie Rust says:

      Harley….I lost my mother at age 11. I’m 57 now and still think of her every single day. While my dad remarried a few years later and I did have a great stepmom it never changed how much I missed my mother. I lost my stepmom in 2012 and my dad in 2013. I was very close to my dad and still am not ‘over it’…nor do I intend to get over it. I think I will just get thru it….but I don’t know quite how yet. I live next door to my dad and now have his house rented out to eventual buyers. The reason I say eventual is because I can’t seem to get my ass in gear and clean the place out for sale. It took me over a year to get the house cleaned out and ready to rent. The first few months was especially hard but I finally got to where I could walk into the house and not cry like a baby. Finally I was able to smile. My dad had a huge pole barn and a couple outbuildings FULL of ‘stuff’ ranging from farm equipment to golf clubs and everything in between. Much of it came from his father and generations before. It has much sentimental value to me…plus I’m a pushover for antique anything. Sadly I’d need another house or 2 to keep it all so I’m in the process of selling some of it and will probably have an auction in the spring for the farm equip and tools, etc. My dad spent a lot of time in that barn and when I go in there now a warmth comes over me like I never felt before. I know he is still in there somehow….and I talk to him. It helps. This sounds silly but somehow I feel like once everything is gone he will be gone….as I cart armloads of stuff to my house that I can’t let go of. I sit around at night and think of ways to display his ‘stuff’ so that he won’t be gone. It helps. Everyone grieves in their own way so do what works for you. It’s never easy to lose someone you love but I take some comfort in believing they are still around. I keep the memories alive on my walls….or where ever I can find room lol. Hugs…

      • HarleyGirl says:

        Dear connie, so many of my feelings are similar to others on this blog. when I was married the first time I moved right next door to my parents and I loved it. My Mom would come over and get in bed with me in the morning after my husband went to work. she would rub my big pregnant belly and talk to my baby. My Mom also made all of my maternity tops. So much love put into every stitch of those maternity tops. I still have alot of my Mom’s things. I have all of her clothes and some very special pieces of furniture. I can’t give it up either and never will. I keep her robe next to mine in the bathroom. Sounds crazy but I don’t care what people think. My point is, sweetie, you keep everything you want and to people who don’t get it….fuck’em!

  3. margo says:

    Hey HarleyGirl – anyone ass who says you should “get over” your mom’s death is an idiot who likely has not suffered such a loss (lucky for them). My father, three brothers – I’ll never get over it. Hugs from one who knows and cares. xoxo

    • HarleyGirl says:

      Thank you Margo. Last year I lost both my brothers within 8 days and my sister at the end of 2013. I am the only one left and I keep thinking I wish there was just more time.

      • Mama Via says:

        HarleyGirl…Kelly and I both know what it is like…being the only one left…and I know how much “multiple deaths” all at one time, or clustered, can affect you. I’m sending warm thoughts and big hugs. Take care of yourself…you are right…time is short!

  4. Kelly, I’d like to share something, but I think it would be kind of long for ‘comments’. Can you email me or send me a message or something, so I can run it by you? I think what I want to share would give people a much needed laugh, whenever you think it would be a good time for a good laugh. But its all true. Not fiction or made-up humor. (Not trial related either. But we all can use some laughter now and then, and it’s much better when it’s factual.)

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Judy: I got it and I may post it in the next couple of days depending on how court (or lack there of goes) It is hysterically funny. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

      • Thanks for letting me know you got it, Kelly. I’m glad I checked back (after one of my sons and his daughter came over for a visit for a few hours) and saw this. I really do like seeing all the care and compassion for others on this site. Its really unusual, in this day and time. It really is true that most of us have lost someone dear to us and we all find our own ways of moving on. After all, the living go on living.

        I have a daughter-in-law who lost her mother on Christmas Eve 8 years ago. They were with us on Christmas Eve, exchanging gifts and she got the call from her sister that their Mom had been found dead in the bathroom. I’ll never forget she cried, telling me, “We had her gifts wrapped and under the tree.” She still thinks of that each Christmas and of course, she is saddened. And we as a family really do understand and hurt right along with her.

        Then, this year, after we gathered again on Christmas Eve with family, I got a call from another son on Christmas day, telling me that his little wife’s mom had passed away THAT VERY MORNING at 4:00 am. She had been fighting a losing battle with ALS, formerly known as ‘Lou Gerhig’s Disease’, which is terminal and a devastating (and slow) fatal illness. So, I’m sure that every Christmas we’ll all be haunted by this memory of 2 deaths at what should be a happy time.

        HarleyGirl, don’t listen to those who tell you “Just get over it.” Their time is coming. Some things we never get over. We just learn how to go on, living the best life we can. Like the Hallmark cards commercials say, “Life is a special occasion.”

        Life…the most special occasion. And one very special gift is those with whom we have had the opportunity to share this ‘Special Occasion’ with!! I’m thankful for the time I had with others, especially the love of my life! I’d do life all over, if it could be with him….

  5. Kelly, thank you so much for being a true hero to me. You have made me laugh, cry and sometimes scream when I read your blogs. I am so glad you feel like writing some. My prayers and love are with you.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Sharon: that is a pretty big compliment my friend and one I do not take lightly. Thank you for the love and support and for sharing my very strange sense of humor.

  6. hbbeachbun says:

    I love this safe place.

  7. Martini13 says:

    Sometimes I really want to give karma a shove in the right direction! I hope karma came back x’s a 1000 on that piece of shit animal abusing bastard!!! I love that Butch ended up with you tho 💕🐾💕🐾 Rescue dogs are hands down the most loving & loyal IMO.
    Glad you are fired up bc that means ur feeling a little better! Looking forward to your latest work-in-progress once you confirm the info!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      You know what Martini: I think it did. Really. He got to go to jail for 18 months, his life is in shambles, and I hear he got another dui about a month ago when he pancaked his truck. So yeah, I like Karma. I am feeling fired up. VERY fired up. Have a great day.

  8. Hayley don’t let anyone tell you to ‘get over it’. We all heal at our own pace. I am almost 50 now and I lost my mum and dad when I was three to a drunk driver, got brought up by the Wicked Aunt, got sent away to boarding school and have a prescription load of abandonment, trust and life issues. You never get over a loss like that, you just learn to take it one day at a time. Thanks Kelly for the safe haven…..you rock girl!

    • HarleyGirl says:

      Thank you Rosemary, I never want to leave my Mom behind and will never find unconditional love like that or for that matter any love at all. My Mom and Dad died within 4 months of each other so you see my family doesn’t die one at a time they seem to die in groups. I miss them all so much but honestly my Mom the most.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Rosemary: Thank you for saying that. Harley if you read this, it is the same thing I would have said. rosemary is right. You grieve for as long as you need to grieve. It is quite frankly nobody else’s business. We all grieve differently and anyone that says different can eat a dick.

  9. essem58 says:

    Wow that was a mini rant? That was a strong message to anyone thinking of messing with any of us that there will be consequences. Bit like Sigourney Weaver’s character in Alien when the Bitch Alien was going after the little girl.
    I’m a strong believer in things happening for a reason and you rescuing Butch was meant to be so he could rescue you and keep the bastard in fear of his life.
    You’re an amazing woman Kelly and I am honored to be part of your family here.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai essem: Yup, you should see me when I really get going. Pages and pages it can go for. Me too. It took me a while but the things that happened to me made me the me that I am. a little broken, glued back together in spots, but with my sense of humor and justice intact.

  10. Coco says:

    Thank you Kelly. Great post. You have a great talent that always keeps your readers interested until the very last word. I don’t comment very often but I always read your blog. 🙂

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Coco: I’m glad you enjoyed it and I’m really glad that I keep you engaged. Have a great day.

  11. Lo says:

    Thank you for being awesome. This story moved me to tears the entire read. Have a great week.

    “Women have got to make the world safe for men since men have made it so darned unsafe for women.”
    Nancy Astor the Viscountess Astor

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      I was going to say Hai Lo, but it just sounded wrong. So, thank you and that quote pretty much sums it up for me. I love that.

  12. Mama Via says:

    Dearest Goddess of the universe and everything else she decides, oh She-who-must-be-obeyed (or else!)…

    One if the finest, most wonderful treasures I have in life is our little sandbox here. Oh, yes, perhaps we originally mingled here due to little Stabbykins…but it seems that we’ve all stayed not because of Stabby, but because we are TRULY SURVIVORS. No, we haved experienced exactly the same thing..,but we’ve all survived SOMETHING!!

    This is a great group of folks…I’m honored to be a part….

  13. Lacey says:

    Well said my friend ♥

  14. Shannamac says:

    Way to make me cry too early in the day. Well said as always.

  15. Beth says:

    Thank you Kelly. If being here for you results in you being here for us — what a win-win!

  16. Bazzethound says:

    Wow! I feel like I just got a warm, fuzzy hug from a fierce grizzly bear. 🐻
    Cross your fingers for me that I don’t panic so I can take my little cutie to the Boy Scouts’ store for his first uniform this afternoon. Gotta get it before tomorrow night. I haven’t left home since 12/25.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Bazzethound: As a full blow agoraphobe, I have learned a couple of tricks so that you don’t (most of the time) completely freak out when you have to go outside. Picture yourself in the car or whatever form of transportation. Forget what is in the middle. Just picture yourself inside something. When you get to the store, picture yourself inside it, again cut out the middle. When you get inside, if you are like me and are afraid for your back, keep your back towards a wall. Get in, get what you need and get out. If you feel like you are going to hyperventilate and you don’t happen to want to do that in front of your son, close your eyes and picture the most serene thing you can think of. My go to is Mamas Gramma. Never met the woman but she gives me great comfort. Let us know when you get back how it went okay? I’m thinking about you.

      • Bazzethound says:

        Okay, thanks for the advice!
        I’m gonna sing my “theme song” in my head (Carry On by fun.) AND I’m gonna imagine a really sweet and huggable version of Madea along with me if I need to. I don’t know if it’s good for me or not- probably not, but I can also go tomorrow. I’ll let you know!

      • Mama Via says:

        miss K…I’m so glad that Gramma holds your hand when you go out! I know it would make her very happy to know that she was helping someone learn to cope and recover.

        She was a FarmWife…that meant that all the critters on the farm, from the house and barn cats, right up to the horses and cattle were in her care…as well as all the children…she was teacher, nurse, veterinarian, cook, laundress, gardener, maid, plumber, Jack of all trades…every one of her nine children (one set of twins) was born at home, in the same bed they were conceived in (by immaculate conception, as far as I’m concerned) with no drugs or “saddle-blocks”…Grampa was “midwife” a few times when the babies DIDNT understand that they were going to be born in the middle of a blizzard! Like you, Gramma loved four legged things…and the helpless…she was just as proud of that new calf as she was about a new grandbaby…the mold was broken after she was given to us! (And like you, her heart was too big for her body!)

        She used to tell me “there’s nothing impossible if you set your mind to it!” She would have told you how proud of you she was, for setting your mind to going out! Would have been proud that you thought up a way to stay calm!

        I told her “I changed my mind…I don’t want to be in the school play, cuz I’m scared!” “I’ll be there, just like when you practiced” “Yea, but I’m still scared”. She told me that I could “borrow her strength” when I needed to…that she was “no farther away than your heart” from your description…it sounds like you borrowed some of Gramma’s strength…she’s no farther away than your heart…just like me…and all the rest of us playing in the sandbox…we fill each other’s hearts and give each other strength!

        Love you…

      • reallybigmeandog says:

        Mama: Gramma has done magical things for me. When I am having a panic attack I can feel Grammas calming warm hand on my head or in my own hand telling me that I am stronger than I know and I can do this. Gramma is maybe the best game anybody ever gave me.
        I love you like Crazy big sister. Always, always know that. You help to make this place what it is. A place of safety, peace and comfort.

      • Bazzethound says:

        Hey KellyMae! Here’s the update:

        I chickened out. I wasn’t stressed out, but decided to offer my amazing 17 year son (who needs work in the winter since farming doesn’t pay November thru February) some easy cash to take his little brother into the city for his Boy Scout uniform & handbook. They enjoy going on adventures together, but I know I need to get the hell out of the house. If my older son had plans, -then I’d get anxious- I intended to take a shower and head into Richmond myself. I WILL GET OUT SOON. Really.

      • reallybigmeandog says:

        Hai Bazzethound. I do that all the time. sometimes it takes me three days to work up the nerve to go out. Just keep telling yourself you can if you want too.

  17. bobbie thompson says:

    First off I agree with the animal rights. I actually worked with dog rescue until I fell in love with one of my fosters. A tiny chihuahua that had liver shunts. I sold all my jewelry to pay for his surgery to save his life. But even with surgery he has to be protected for the rest of his life. He can’t eat meat so he has a prescription soy based dog food. He also isn’t supposed to take lots of meds as his liver has to process it and he needs as little stress as possible put on his liver. Anyways, bringing sick dogs into my home caused him to get sick so I had to stop fostering. I still work with rescue in other aspects. So YAY for animals.

    Being a survivor: I’ve addressed this a couple of times. JA supporters wonder why we don’t believe her. It’s because her stories don’t track. Talk to someone who has TRULY been abused and you should be able to differentiate the truth from fiction. All the JA fans see/hear are the hateful words Travis said in texts/messages. What I hear in those are a man who has had enough of JA’s manipulative behavior. She pushed him and he reacted. I believe a woman deserves to be hit/verbally attacked if she asks for it. If you get in someone’s face ( or lie about them, play sick games, etc…) you should expect something in return. But you can hear true abuse in the story the person tells. JA’s stories don’t add up.

    There are so many things she says even today that don’t add up. In court when she said she had the shakes at Juan yelling at her. Hmmmph. Honey bunches of oats, when I get the shakes you had better not put a cup of hot coffee in my hand or several people will end up burned. I finally started counseling (I’m 51 years old) to figure out some of my weird behaviors. Like I get really stressed out if I’m in line at the store too long. I’m scared someone is going to kill me. Literally. What I have discovered is there was an incident in my 20’s where a man, a stranger, held me hostage in a room for hours. He wanted to rape me. I hid under the sink and held him off. I was petrified he was not only going to rape me but kill me to hide it. (It’s a long story so I won’t tell all of it now). I finally got free and I guess I just suppressed all the feelings attached to it. Ahhhhh, but my subconscious …. a stranger can kill you, you never know who is near you. Yeah.

    Isn’t it weird that true survivors will protect the helpless around us when we couldn’t protect ourselves

  18. Tyla says:

    Again another teary eyed story, one that bites at your heart. I am not an animal lover (never had one as a child). The “not” an animal lover comes from when a cat jumped on me in the middle of the night at a sleep over at my friends house when I was about 8 yrs old, apparently it jumped and landed on my neck and when I opened my eyes all I saw were this cats eyes ….. scared the fuck out of me, I mean scared me where I pissed myself and never went into her house again! From that day on I can NOT go near a cat! If a cat and I are on the street, I start sweating and slowly walk the other way ….. my son and daughter-in-law have two cats …. needless to say I do NOT go to their house ever!

    Anyways my point is I may not be an animal lover but I would NEVER harm an animal. My head can NOT wrap around why people do these awful things to animals? Some people really need to live in the bush of Alaska!!

    Also would like to say even though I have only known you for a short time I want you to know Kelly ….. I (as I know I speak for everyone here) will always have your back, you need something, anything just ask …… you are a very special woman and I so appreciate your friendship and everyone’s else ……. ❤

  19. bobbie thompson says:

    And more thoughts. PTSD. Let me explain to you dumbass JA supporters lurking here how exactly the disassociation of a traumatic event REALLY sounds.

    When I get a mental picture of the above event I remember exactly what occurred BEFORE the event happened. I only MENTALLY see myself hiding under the sink. I see his body looming over me. And I see the room door open with him standing far away from it. So I only “see” about 2 minutes of stuff. The reason I know everything else that happened is because I thought about it after it was over. But once I thought about it I shut the door on the memory. So NOW, today, I only “see” those 2 mins of utter petrified fear. I know it all happened and I know the details (well most of them) but I KNOW what happened. So JA is lying. She may not recall the EXACT sequence to the most minute detail but she sure as hell knows she did it. This is so hard to explain. But it’s how I KNOW she’s lying about the PTSD too

    • Mama Via says:

      You are absolutely right, Bobby! When my stepmother would perpetrate evil things, when my stepbrother molested me, when I was gang raped…I CAN say what happened…dispassionately…because my BODY was involved…but *I* was floating up in the corner of the ceiling…”watching”…it’s been close to 50 or more years now…and I’ve blocked all but basic memories…but I remember being so filled with terror, sometimes I can feel the weight of those boys bodies crushing me…like they were pushing “me” out of my body…I can “see” them holding me down, I can still hear the laughter…I remember the color of the walls, the carpet…feel sorry, I know the girl I look down on…I KNOW its me…but…its a strange memory, it was a strange event…all strange events…like walking thru someone else’s dream…or floating thru a rip in space/time…

      The me floating above it all…intense in watching the activity, almost like a video camera, recording the action, but without thoughts and feelings…(am I making sense?)

      The day my ex-husband tried to kill me…my life really did “flash before my eyes”… In just a nano-second, I saw it all…(but, I was only twenty..not much life to flash! 🙂 )

      But you are right…some details are “veiled” or as if seen thru a soft focus filter…(and I still HATE the aroma of Aqua Velva!).

      Anyone who has truly been at the hands of an abuser…KNOWS a faker!

      The OTHER thing I agree with is the CONTEXT of what Travis wrote! In my day, I’ve written some pretty vile stuff as part of my therapy. My Dr said “write it down, get it out if your system!” Travis’ words sounded like they had come directly from my own letters written when I was totally fed up with being manipulated, lied to, had money stolen or missing, found out he had been talking to my friends and spreading lies, had my personal papers and diaries gone thru, jewelrÿ missing..you name it…(he & arias would have made a fine match!). I really DO think that Arias manipulated him into doing/saying things that he himself would NEVER done without her manipulation!

      IF he was so sexually abusive, such a perv, just exactly is the parade of women (and children?!)!!! SHE certainly has a parade of men that she manipulated!

      One last item in this rant…child molesters don’t just magically become CM at age 30!!! IF (boy, that should be two feet high!) IF he REALLY had those inclinations…the defense would be able to drag out a long line of Travis’ friends saying things like “he always liked to play with my son”…read all you want about priests that liked “young boys”, or men like Dahmer, or Gacy…a perv doesn’t like little boys and grown women BOTH…you can’t have it both ways…either he is a skirt chasing cad, OR he likes little boys in underwear! Where is the porn? No videos, magazinnes, paperbacks…no inappropriate touching of nephews…and there is no proof that he, not SHE did the iron-on letters on the underwear! I’ve NEVER, EVER known a man to use iron-on letters, let alone on both the top and bottom! That’s a high school girl thing if I ever saw it! (Especially after she blew his BMW up? HA! No Flippin way!)

      She’s the biggest fibber who ever lived!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Bobbie: The worst thing that ever happened to me in the world of PTSD (and there have been many; manually broken bones, a stabbing, my father shot me, but by far the worst was the night the cocksucker that changed my life forever put a loaded shotgun in my face. After he raped me of course. I wake up with the smell of gun oil in my nostrils all the time. I can smell it just like it is happening and I am suddenly back in that frozen tableau of that moment. The entire reality of where I am disappears and I am right there. The worst part is that I so wanted him to pull the trigger. I wanted so badly to go over the abyss I had looked into so many times. I still don’t know what pulled me back from that moment. I doubt I ever will. But that is it. And yes, Stabby is lying. Lying like a very cheap rug.

      • Mama Via says:

        “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
        A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted”

        Little Sister…I will confess that one night I was so miserable that I….
        Well…what I was going to do DOESNT matter as much as what I DIDNT do.
        Like you, I wanted so badly to go into the “Abyss”…
        Perhaps it was Gramma whispering in my ear, telling me that I had not finished my work…I had not finished having my fun…..and I certainly HADNT found my happiness.

        None of us know what surprises are in our future…I never suspected that I would find my Dear Husband…but, I will tell you this: the past five years of happiness so overwhelm the years of sorrow…that the pain of sorrow is bittersweet…perhaps without all I’ve endured, I wouldn’t have appreciated what I have now. We are all the sum of all of our experiences…
        Gramma used to say “you must learn to appreciate the rain, without it, you’d never really understand sunshine.”

        I used to know women that had never endured what you and I have…they were shallow, self-centered, and plastic…I’ve been thinking recently…these women have beautiful houses and expensive purses and big fat diamonds and miserable lives…they’ve never seen a rainy day…in a way, I feel sorry for them, too…because they think a “present” is love…I’ve learned that Love is a present.

        You touch lives here every day…I hope that in some small way, I am able to help you do so…but none of us could do it without you…its your strength and loving heart that gathers us together…

        You know I love you, kiddo…we need you more than the Abyss does…

      • bobbie thompson says:

        And I get the I wanna die right now. While married to my ex when the beatings began, I wanted at least ONE of us to die. And since I believed that you shouldn’t hurt someone you loved I usually wished it was me that would die. And JA, honey-sugar-cakes, you don’t get just ONE little old slap. Would that I could have only got one.

  20. My Real Name says:

    Kelly, luvin you grrrl. We are pretty much fam her.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      MRN: We definitely are a family here. And we got to pick each other. How many families get to say that? I count that in my blessings every single day.

  21. Tina says:

    Hello Kelly all the way from Ireland. I am new to you but honestly i feel i know you so well because i see me in you, we could be clones.I`m rather shy at writing, i became a member of State versus Jodi Arias, Support for Juan, Travisties of unexpected murder trials and some more and now i`m with you.Im not too good posting to those sites or sending comments but i read everything about Jodi Arias Trial. If i was to write my story it would take pages and pages and pages. I can identify with you so much.I enjoy all your posts Kelly and i hope you are feeling better.Take care and hope to talk soon. I think Ireland is a lot of hours ahead of your Country by the way.

    With love
    Tina in Ireland.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Tina. Ireland. My second favorite place on earth. I must admit that I still miss Scotland, but I loved when we visited Ireland and I remember it still. Tina, write your story. I will print it if you want to write it. I am interested in whatever curves life has thrown your way and in Ireland I bet you have some stories to tell. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I am feeling better. I will be glad when my surgery has come and gone, but I am not worried about it even a little. It is just another bump on my particular road. Thank you for posting Tina. I look forward very much to more from you if you want to write it.

  22. HarleyGirl says:

    Don’t it piss everybody off when a fucker like stabby breathes when you have lost a person who was such a joy to the World? My Mom was so valuable to this World. there were over 150 people at her service. SHE WAS LOVED! not yelling just expressing the great love others had for her. I love you, Kelly, you keep me laughing. I see the motherfucking defense team and stabby fucked the system and the Alexanders once again today. I hope when stabby goes to Perrysville somebody slits her throat and stabs her ass so she knows how it feels.

    • Tyla says:

      Love your “hoping” (on what ja gets when in Perryville) and I feel the same way, I hope whoever goes after her makes her suffer …. don’t kill her just make her wish she was dead, the fucking bitch! Either AZ has the stupidest judges or this is the smartest judge in the history of criminal trials – I’m leaning towards she’s the worst of the worst, the dumbest of the dumbest and the stupidest appointed judge in AZ (God I hope there’s no more like her)!!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Harley: I don’t pretend to understand the workings of the universe. I know that I for the most part hate it, but then a group of people from all over the world comes together and I hate it a bit less. I am glad that I keep you laughing Harley because laughter is the best thing for whatever ails that I can think of. I hope the same as you. I hope somebody dahmers her ass.

      • HarleyGirl says:

        Kelly, wouldn’t be great if somebody in prison slit her vocal cords so the bitch can never speak again! LOL! I would say stabby can suck a dick but she would like that too much! I do love to laugh and i can give my share of humor out when I am in the up mood! That mood will come back, it always does! Maybe 2015 will be the cluster fuck year for stabby…..but then again she likes being cluster fucked! Has she ever said no?

  23. Coco says:

    Can anyone get me in touch with Janet Cook? We talked briefly this morning and now her account is gone and I am concerned for her. I tried to DM her and she’s gone. 😦 Thanks.

  24. BlueWhiteRed says:

    Wow.
    I just went to hell and back reading your post, Kels, and everyone’s truth. Kelly, I said early on that Veteran doesn’t, IMO, have to mean military. Your life of horrors is just as traumatic as the couple of hours immediately following the most unimaginable horror I went through. I just got a medal. So I don’t put my experiences or PTSD at a level higher than all of you; there are no levels. I will always have your backs, esp when Kelly has her surgery. I believe so many of you want to try just once more to trust seemingly kind people. Well, you can.

    • Mama Via says:

      Mrs Blue is a lucky woman! And we are lucky to have you here, too, Sir…you are one if a kind! As you said, there are no levels…bad things happen to good people because we are people…but it cannot be measured…we should all just do our best every day…and to try our best to offer a hand when others stumble….and live our lives so that each morning we can face ourself in the mirror…

      You are a very special man…and I’m glad that you are my friend,..glad that all the ladies here didn’t make you go run & hide from us!

  25. Twister says:

    You made me sob again. I’ve been though some shit and could get all woa is me, until I came here. Kelly, you and others here really put in perspective. I agree that certain smells can take me back instantly, I temporialy freeze. (I can’t stand to look at Stabby’s hands without thinking what she did with them, and the smell of blood.) Besides that _ YAY DOGGIES. Good night from Kansas, burrrr.

  26. Alice Girard says:

    i don’t know what to say after reading all the comments…i am angry (at the perps) and my heart fills with sadness for each of you. i have been there and done some of that but i am in one piece and actually feel as though i have found a “place” here. i am not good at feeling as though i actually belong anywhere. been dealing with that particular oddity since i was 4 years old. sigh. some things you just learn to live with. my heart goes out to each and every one and kelly……thank you for this place.

    take care.

    • Mama Via says:

      I suspect, that like the rest of us, there is a reason you are here, Alice. As Mr Blue said, there are no “levels”…no competition for “oh, yeah, my life was worse because…”

      Sometimes something you’ve experienced, an issue you found an answer for, a kind word, or a word of wisdom is exactly what someone else needs… When someone say “I hurt because____” perhaps someone who has had something similar can understand better than someone who hasnt!

      Everyone over the age of 18 has “baggage”…none of here are “virgins”…we’ve experienced life…

      But…what matters most is NOT IF you have “baggage”…but where do you store it! Do you drag it with you wherever you go? Use it as an excuse? (mama hit me with a wooden spoon! Boo-hoo). I’ve been unpacking my bags for a long time…but I’m trying my best to get them fully unpacked and stored in the basement…sometimes getting them unpacked takes a while…

      I know what it is like not to “fit in”…but I hope you feel like you “belong” here!

      Sending hugs!

  27. Adele says:

    You have probably noticed that I attack anyone I see using the word ‘retard’ it’s nothing to those unaffected, but to those of use that share their world with a special needs or RETARDED person, you would understand how much it hurts.
    I also never comment, favorite or acknowledge anyone’s post that ridicules, a persons looks, build, etc. even the scums like Hodi, can’t help what they’re born with. And personally, I find those pics disgusting at best, and gutterish at worst.
    There is so much to say and do about people without the ridicule.
    God bless you Kelly…you are a wonderful person, and an absolute survivor!

  28. Connie Rust says:

    So much I would like to say but I’m having a bad pain night so need to keep this kinda short (might have something to do with the temp going from 70 degrees to 7 in 2 days….fucking Ohio winters lol). Kelly…I was in tears from the first puppy scream. Nothing gets my hackles up like animal abuse. I grew up on a farm so I had at least 1 of everything as a pet. Horses were my passion and I rescued several during my adult life. My 2 current dogs are rescues and one of them was abused. Whenever I read a story of abuse like that I just hug my boys for dear life. They mean the world to me. My aunt always used to say I loved animals more than people and she may have been right. I judge people by what my dogs think of them. If my dogs don’t like someone they ain’t getting in my house! When people ask me if they bite I always respond with “if you don’t bite me they won’t bite you”. I never had any children and ditched a no good husband so my dogs are my whole life. I have no doubt they would lay down their lives for me and most people I know would not. Bless you Kelly for giving that puppy a life so that he could save yours.

    • HarleyGirl says:

      Connie, I get your pain because my pain was horrible over the weekend. makes me wonder why the fuck I live in Ohio. My little weeny dog will be 17 this month and I will bake her some special doggie treats. she is in bad shape but I will take care of her for the rest of her life. I have had her since she was 6 weeks old and she is treated like a baby. I hand feed her twice a day and keep a cup of water by the bed so I can give her water if she wants it. I even have my husband snow blow the back yard for her. Pisses him off but I have had her longer than him! I even take her to the drive-in every week in the summer! I rock her for hours. I love the little shit!

      • Connie Rust says:

        So sweet Harley….i also shovel a path for my boys when it snows. The wiener dog isn’t fond of his belly dragging in the snow lol. From the sound of it I may be shoveling in the morning.

      • Alice Girard says:

        my little charlie was a mix of daschund/terrier. i loved that little guy more than i can say….he died unexpectedly on 8/29/14. i still cant think of him w/o crying. i miss him so much. he was a rescue at 11 weeks. we still have our little rusty but he is lonely for charlie too. my personal feeling on animal abuse is simple….death penalty for anyone who abuses an animal…no exceptions. i am 64 and there has never been a time when i did not have a pet of some kind. i too like them more than i like people. my dogs have never judged me no matter what. and i totally agree with if my dog doesn’t like you then there’s the door. cold here in MI too. 16 degrees. shit. cuddle with furbabies folks and stay warm.

        take care.

      • Connie Rust says:

        Alice….so sorry for your loss. Believe me I know all too well how that feels. I lost my Tikka (beagle/dachshund mix) in 2010. I got her as a pup when some assbag threw her out of a moving car. She crawled to my door with a broken leg. The vet fixed her up and she was with me for 12 years. She saw me thru the loss of my Gram, a brother and a bad divorce. She became diabetic but I thought she still had a few years left with insulin treatment. The diabetes turned out to be secondary and a fatal seizure took her from me suddenly. I was devastated. 3 days later I found Willie. A 2 y/o male who looked just like her. Someone had dumped him at the local pound and a friend took me to meet him. He helped me thru the loss of Tikka more than I can tell you. Somehow I feel she had something to do with that. Willie is still with me and Oscar (the wiener dog) joined us 2 yrs ago. I had been looking for a standard dachshund for a few years when he turned up at our local shelter. He had been obviously abused and was nothing but a skeleton with skin. People who do that to animals deserve the DP in my opinion too. Just makes me sick.

  29. Colleen says:

    Hey Kelli can you just give a like button for those how support you. Best to all and

    thank you for sharing
    Colleen

  30. Jodi J. says:

    I was supposed to go to lunch with a (not so close) friend but she completely blew me off. I haven’t heard from her in 12 hours and I get the feeling that she got a better offer.

    I’m sorry you had a sucky day but thankful that you didn’t explode.

  31. Jodi J. says:

    It’s me again and, after reading this, I’m in tears. Here’s my story: I was born with Spina Bifida, I’ve had 21 operations and have been a wheelchair user for the last 20 years. My life has been difficult since October 2010 due to constant pain in my tailbone. I thought 2015 would (possibly) be the turning point but it turned the wrong way. I felt something pop in my lower back on New Year’s morning. Saturday morning, I woke up to intense sciatica type pain. I’m afraid I’m going to be facing another back surgery if it’s something more serious. I’m hoping to get in to see my Dr. asap but I’m kind of scared to hear what he has to say. I know it’s irrational but I’m very claustrophobic and MRIs scare the hell out of me. I have a feeling 2015 is going to SUCK. Sorry this is SO long.

    • essem58 says:

      Hi Jodi J, gee that extra J is important in the context of the trial 😏. I did something to my back on New Years Eve and was in agony. I suspected Sacro iliac as I have done that before. After several hours I consulted Dr Google and began to ice the area 20mins on 20mins off. I did this for about 36 hrs and this improved the pain immensely. I saw my Chiro yesterday who had just returned from Christmas in Canada, rude really because I really needed to see him sooner. And yes my diagnosis was correct and is heaps better since. So give icing it a go until you can get in to see your doctor.

      I always thought I was claustrophobic too and after being diagnosed with a brain tumour nearly 12 years ago I started having regular MRIs. I usually close my eyes and often listen to music notwithstanding the racket the machine makes. I’ve had so many now I am quite relaxed and even start to nod off. So try not to fear it, relax, close your eyes and zone out.

      Hope your back pain is something simply sorted but if not try to be positive rather than scared, it’s amazing what a positive mind can do.

  32. Lori g says:

    Great blog/rant Kelly. I hope your surgery goes great and you have a speedy recovery. Look forward to your writing everyday! I have been where you’re at. My teenage boyfriend thought it was ok to get me drunk and pass me around. Don’t know how I was strong enough to kick, bite and scream my way out of it. Silly to say, but it made me much stronger.

    That puppy had a guardian angel. My brindle pitbull came to me with a big scar and is petrified of brooms, hmm. He’s 12 1/2 and will still die for one of us. My beagle is now 4. The first 18 months she was locked in a bathroom 24/7 with no human contact. She is the most happy go lucky dog I’ve ever seen. One of my cats was abandoned outside a pet store around 6 weeks old. She was so flea ridden that she didn’t have a lot of blood left. I’ve also raised baby raccoons when there mother was road kill
    I still can’t figure out how someone can abuse animals. It is a red flag of what’s to come. Don’t know why not a judge wouldn’t let that info in. Speaks volumes. Take care.

  33. karen30036 says:

    Hi all, been reading but not commenting. I don’t feel like I’m good company at this time so I keep to myself. Comforting to know I’m not alone. Love you all …

    • Tyla says:

      karen30036, never feel that you’re not good company ….. it doesn’t matter what is going on …. because good, bad or depressing you ARE good company, just like everyone else who comments here.

      May the rest of your day be magical, and smile because you have a family among us ❤

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hai Karen: you are never alone here. Ever. Sometimes it just takes time to get to the comments because I am researching and presently hunting for my wayward cat. He’s been gone for two days.

  34. Gloria says:

    Agoraphobe here. Once during my life I was “housebound” for 7 years. Then I met a shrink and he helped me some, but still unable to do so many things on my own without a “safe person” with me. Cant hold a job so am on SSI. One thing the shrink told me I will never forget. He said “You should never have children, you wouldn’t be able to take care of them.” 2 years after he told me that, I was pregnant (by one of the worst mistakes in my life,,,among many). He was useless in the child raising department. I now have a very responsible 22 year old son, and he’s a pretty great human being. Yes it was hard to raise him on my own, but I did it! I cope with my anxiety/panic disorder with humor and/or sarcasm, whichever suits the need ;), and a lot of cussing, so your words don’t offend me, I may even be able to outdo you at times…lol.
    Anyway, love your blog, keep up the good work!

  35. tinkachew says:

    Well I guess my posting story didn’t take after all that heart poring I did…dangit guess it was just too much huh? Karen your not the only one that feels that way I do also even more so when my posts don’t show up for some reason. I had to quit posting on the pages due to my real name being shown so all I can do is click the like & read what everyone else has to say. In fact I’ve never felt more alone in my 59 years as I do now! So maybe we have found a place to be now even if we don’t say much? Take care

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Tinkachew. I have been out looking for my cat for two days because it is cold and I love him. I promise I will get to the comments as soon as I can. Please, please do not be offended if I don’t answer right away.

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