So, lets get right to it my lovelies the infamous magical I can explain everything except only in secret trascripts that were released yesterday. They are mind numbing. I’m afraid I lost brain cells. Dave Erickson warned me they were boring. Hey, I like boring I said, I live for boring. I did not expect I would want to stab myself in the eyes with a fork just to get away from them.
She brought the bullshit, I will give her that much. Enough bullshit to collectively fertilize all of our lawns. That strong fuck you Martinez, I am more Einstein-y than you are voice was gone and the mighty pitbull had to ask her to speak up about eleventy billion times. First, she said how much she wished she could change the way things turned out that day. Mama Via was kind enough to translate for us. ” I wish I could do the day over again so I could have prepared better…and taken my own damn camera, which takes better pictures anyway! I’ve always imagined her pulling off to the side of the road to throw away the knife and gun…and stomping around yelling “oh SHIT, damn, Damn, DAMN!!! WHERE DID I LEAVE TRAVIS’ FUKKIN CAMERA!!!” And then, consoling herself with..”well, at least my EINSTEINy brain remembered to delete the pictures! The cops will think NINJAS did it!! Tee-hee!” Thank you Mama.
You’d think she was scared mommy and daddy were outside of the door listening as she busted them on their coke and weed habits. I KNOW!! I too was shocked that somebody was doing a little blow in the 80’s when Stabby was four. THE HORROR!! And mom of Stabby smoked a joint the day she was born. A joint. ERMAGERD. I think I have the vapors give me a moment. Wait because it gets so much worse. Somebody took some of the Peruvian marching powder to a wedding. Now, had they held her down and shoved it up her nose, I’d say that Houston we had a problem, but other than that, they did some coke, they never got caught end of that particular mitigating factor. Oh yeah and when she found the coke, it was on a mirror chopped into lines with a razor sitting on the mirror but she didn’t know what it was. That is some memory there. Jesus. Oh but wait, the weed. The weed that Mom of Stabby smoked before Stabby was born. Stabby admitted she was smoking weed herself for exactly five months during her formative years so that kinda negates mommy fucked up my brain cuz she smoked a joint. Just Sayin’.
Other things we learned from the “I am now much less intelligent than I was before I started reading this drivel document” is that Stabby has a brain that needs to be removed and studied like preferably immediately because she can remember things from when she was two years old. Now, you know me. I would never just pull information out of my ass like some “other people” so I look up what the odds are of having solid memories at the age of two years old. and I quote ” while a two year old can form short term memory of an event they are lost by the time the child is three or four. It even has a name. Childhood amnesia. Solid memories which are carried forward as lifelong memories typically form between the ages of three and five usually at the mid point of these ages. Basically what that means is that a two year old can have a memory that they can tell you about within a certain amount of time but within weeks or months the memory will have been swept into the pool of childhood amnesia. Why is this important? Because little Stabbykins can remember a softer gentler time with her daddy when he used to bounce her on his knee and tell her he loved her to pieces. Isn’t that sweet? Squeee. I’m still shocked she didn’t say she got confused and thought he was saying someday princess cut someone into pieces. That may come yet who knows.
Anyway then we got to read about the terrible abuse that Stabby suffered by being beaten with a wooden spoon. Please raise your hand if your parents hit you with anything when you were little. Spoon, hotwheel track, ironing cord, belt, coat hanger, switch, walking stick, all of the above? Anybody get shot? How many of those of you who raised your hands have killed someone? Bye Bye mitigating factor number 2. Just as an aside, Stabby’s brother Carl apparently got the same treatment and he has yet to kill anyone. Good Job Carl!!
Juan spent a great deal of the day throwing random objections around mostly just because he could and the supply of goodboy treats were running low. It was amusing to read them because while on their face they were real objections, they weren’t really necessary other than to annoy the shit out of Jenny from the Cell Block and it worked in spades. Jenny got all mad and shit. I think she’s still pissed about that comment about him wanting to off himself if he was married to her too.
Apparently somewhere along the line between her last mitigation testimony and this mitigation testimony the fog lifted because Stabby remembers pretty much everything now. Another Stabby Einstein miracle. Praise baby Jesus. Nana Stabby can walk AND the fog has lifted.
Around the age of 7, things began to change in the Stabby household. Punishments got more severe. (maybe the coke and weed ran out?)
At 17, Stabby’s huge gigantic type dad shoved her into a door frame and she hit her head and was knocked unconscious. She remembers this because all people that lose consciousness remember everything that happens before and after they wake up. Ask any of the nurses on the blog. They will tell you that totally happens all the time.
Then her grades began to slide because of her parents and she didn’t finish school because of her parents and she moved in with Bobby Juarez because of her parents and he screwed around on her probably because of her parents and she basically hopped from relationship to relationship because of her parents.
I just discovered that the wrong person is on trial here. Her damn parents need to be facing the death penalty because this is very obviously all their fault. Case solved, lets all move on.
We have now come to the end of part 1 of the never ending mind numbing super duper secret transcript.
I will fill you in on the rest of the earth shattering news later. My brain hurts right now.
RBMD peacing the fuck out!!