Sorry Guys

February 28, 2015

Had to pull SFS. There was a conflict I was unaware of and in order to not hurt anybodies feelings I have removed it.  I would like to say I had no idea that it was a conflict.  I will try and do a different one tomorrow.

Good night everybody.

Did You Miss Me?

February 27, 2015

Hai everybody.  Tis me, your missing Dean of Fuckery/Law Professor/Queen of the region of mean/resident sarcasm expert.  I just wanted to drop a quick note and thank from the bottom of my cold dead heart Blue, Mama, and Renae for holding the fort while I was gone as well as thanking Schaeffer  for the brilliant and insightful guest blog spots.  I hope to see many more of them.

A huge and heartfelt thank you to Blue for taking care of the kingdom and to Mama and Renae for the incomparable wit and grace holding things together in my absence.  Regularly scheduled programming returns tomorrow and I hope to see all of you here.

As always, guest blogs are welcomed and encouraged.

Schaeffer: Your guest spots were absolutely wonderful and I sincerely mean it when I say I hope to see many more guest spots from you.  Thank you so much for picking up the slack for me.  I truly appreciate the time and effort you put into you writing.

See you all tomorrow for Sick Fuck Saturday….it’s a surprise.

RBMD peacing the fuck out.

A Letter to Jodi – Guest Blog by Mama Via

February 25, 2015
In the next few days, you will learn your fate.  Whether it’s Death, or LWOP, really doesn’t matter to any of us, we’ve already accepted that the probability that you will never leave custody again, something I don’t believe you, yourself have accepted.  If you believe you will be out by Easter, or July 4th or Thanksgiving, you are incorrect.  Scott Peterson has been at San Quentin since 2004, and still hasn’t had his first appeal. (Editor’s note: He was formally sentenced and finally arrived at San Quentin March 17, 2005. If Jodi receives DP, she will be sentenced and arrive DR immediately.)
If you receive the death penalty, what will your new home be like? The unit containing death row is called the Lumley Unit. Inmates in the death row cell are locked inside 23 hours a day. Before their 23rd hour, they are put in shackles and walked to small cage-like enclosures for recreation.

Who are the other two women sharing your fate?

Let’s start with introducing Wendi Andriano.  Andriano and her husband managed the San Riva Apartments in Ahwatukee. Her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Andriano was tired of caring for him, so she poisoned him. When that wasn’t working fast enough, she stabbed him and beat him to death with a bar stool.

Juan Martinez, the same man who is now trying to put you on death row, went after Wendi in 2004.  I’m sure you will both have a lot to talk about!

Next is Shawna Forde. She and her vigilante group burst into a home in southern Arizona, hoping to steal drug money to fund their anti-illegal immigrant activities. But there was no drug money, and she and her accomplices shot and killed a man and his 9-year-old daughter. Shawna has been on Death a Row since 2011.

If you receive death, you three women, all found guilty of terrible crimes, will all be awaiting your final punishment. All three of you will be in various stages of appealing your cases, but, honestly, Jodi, I wouldn’t give any of you a snowballs chance in hell of ever being released.  In fact, I wouldn’t give you much chance of gaining your “freedom” by being put to death, either!  The last woman executed in Arizona was Eva Dugan back in 1930.  poor thing, when she was hanged, the hangman made a mistake, and she was actually decapitated by the noose when she dropped through the trap door. Pity.


Other Useful information

The cell

  • 12 ft. by 7 ft. cell; 86 square feet
  • All solo cells
  • Bed built into wall (hard surface bed)
  • Blanket and pillow
  • Stainless steel toilet and sink
  • Shelving across one side of bed, which could be used as a desk
  • Small chair
  • Personal items can be displayed in the cell and there are two small and very thin windows
  • Allowed to buy a small radio or TV

Inmates are fed 19 meals a week, three meals a day Monday through Friday and only two meals a day on the weekend. Death row and maximum security inmates eat all of their meals in their cells. There is no cafeteria-style setting.

Inmates on death row in Arizona have access to recreation three times a week for periods of two hours at a time. So if you are given the death penalty, you will get a total of six hours per week outside your cell. Just so you are aware, the outdoor recreation areas are pretty small — not much bigger than the cells — and you will spend this time alone. But on non-recreation days, inmates are limited to their cell and could spend up to 24 hours at a time in there. Other privileges allowed to prisoners are pretty basic:

  • No Internet
  • Books and commissary allowed for maximum security inmates
  • Library on site; Books can be requested
  • Interviews only done over the phone

Inmates are allowed to shower three times a week. Showers are next to the cells and inmates usually shower after their recreation periods. Inmates shower alone.

Contact with outside
Maximum security inmates get one 15-minute phone call per week and calls are made from the cell with a phone that is brought to the inmate. But all inmates are allowed to send and receive mail. All inmates are limited to one non-contact, two-hour visit per week, during which the inmate can only speak to the visitor through glass.

List of Things Not to Bring (or Won’t Ever Have)

I thought I would help you a bit, by making a list of things you shouldn’t bring, or won’t need, should you get the Death Penalty:
Try really hard to leave that cute little smirk of yours outside the gates.  It will only get you into trouble!  And that cute little laugh, like the one you gave Mr. Martinez during your first trial, when you were so proud of that little smart-elec answer to The Prosecutor?  I’d leave that outside the door too. Perryville is “big-girl prison”,  not like the slumber party you’ve had for the past several years.
So, say goodbye to hair dye, and all but basic makeup.
You won’t need jewelry, sexy underthings, or fancy Brazilian Wax treatments.
Don’t bother bringing your “1000 Places to See” book, it will only remind you of places you CANT go!
You won’t ever get another chance to hug the kitty too hard, or kick the dog, either.
And I’m kinda guessing that after throwing your parents under the bus, and calling your sister “dumb” that they won’t feel much inclination to drive all that way, just to video call from one building to another, or stare at you through glass.
You’ve basically received the last hug you’ll ever get from a family member, had the last bit of fun with a REAL man.
You won’t need your drivers license, you’ll never enjoy the thrill of owning a new car, or enjoying that “new car” smell.
Speaking of aromas; no perfume, the smell of home baked cookies, Thanksgiving Dinner, the aroma of the sea at sunrise, the wonderful aroma of a freshly bathed and powdered baby.
You’ll never get to show off that diamond ring, buy a wedding dress or plan a honeymoon.
Never take pride in the accomplishment of graduating from college.
Never hold your baby in your arms, or a grandchild either.
No shopping spree at Victoria’s Secret for you! No high heels, or sparkly dresses,,,no New Years Parties, or July 4th Fireworks.
No soaking up the sun poolside or beachside with or without your bikini.
If you think you’ve “aged” over the past year…wait till you get a year of Perryville on your CV!
Was it worth it Jodi?  Wouldn’t it have just been easier to “move along” and find someone else? I truly hope that you can find some remorse, not for the Alexander Family, not for your own family, but for yourself,
Many of us are angry because like a two year old, you chose to “break your toy” rather than let it go to another.  In a way, I pity you
There’s no one to blame except yourself?
What are the things that YOU would miss most at Perryville?

Sent from Out in Left Field

A Smart Ass Guest Blog For Nurmi – By Schaeffer

February 24, 2015


Does anyone know how to get in touch with Nurmi?  I have written his closing argument.  (Since he has adopted an “I want to be like Juan” posture, he will refer to himself in the third person.)

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it appears the State of Arizona, and especially that meanie Juan Martinez, want The Whore of Babble On and On and On (WOBO) to pay for the brutal murder of Travis Alexander, and this is wholly unacceptable.  After all, she only did “one bad thing.”  How bad can one thing be?  The world has always been against this poor woman, and despite her unshakable belief in her own intelligence and her own magnificent specialness, she struggles with many common concepts, such as responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth.

Even though she struggles with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth, she does have an encyclopaedic knowledge of fucking, and in fact, considers it her most charming quality and marketable skill.  She wholeheartedly believes it, and it alone, should serve as a life-sparing mitigating factor in your deliberations.  Allow me to explain.

Testimony from the defendant and several paid witnesses has clearly established she has only a passing acquaintance with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth.  She has never had or done anything valuable or worthwhile in her entire life.  She has never had a career, only jobs any 16 year old could get, with employers who fired her for stealing from them or for not showing up — which, by the way, are completely persecutorial and unjustifiable actions.  She claims to have been an artist, a photographer, and a victim of domestic violence.  However,  it has become evident what she really means is she had a box of crayons and some tracing paper, the ability to scrawl an eight letter word (which she didn’t understand, but hey, she spelled it correctly) on a plain white t-shirt, a cell phone, and a propensity for taking selfies of herself fucking.

Hell, because she struggles so with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth, she couldn’t even join a religion correctly.  She unwisely chose to convert to one of the most restrictive Western religions, while living in a city which is a stronghold of that faith.  Despite several instructional meetings with missionaries from The LDS Church, and constantly toting around and pretending to study both The Book of Mormon and The Bible, her interpretation of Church doctrine was, “fuck the brains out of a devout member, stalk, blackmail, and terrorize him, no need to bother with pesky things like the basic tenets of Mormonism or the ever popular 10 Commandments.”  Despite the fact that The Book of Mormon is excruciatingly clear on its foundational tenets, especially something called The Vow of Chastity — which anyone can tell by its use of the word “vow” is merely a general idea, open to individual interpretation — this poor woman thought it meant, “these are just a few suggestions, but they don’t apply to ‘special’ people, so if you are indeed ‘special’ do whatever the fuck you want.”  See how she can work “fucking” into anything?  That is talent.  Surely you can see that her lifelong struggle with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth, struggles which also manifested themselves in her interpretation of what makes an artist, a photographer, and a victim, carried over into her interpretation of religious doctrine, doctrine which has stood for centuries and which is abundantly clear to anyone else, just not to her.

While she has had a lifelong struggle with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth, WOBO has had one concept which she has clearly understood, and, with the exception of the tough spot in which she now finds herself, has stood her in good stead: she is a hell of a fuck.  She has always been able to fuck herself into and out of any situation.  However, she has now finally come upon a situation she cannot fuck her way out of, and it is just not fair.  Since she was able to fuck her way into Travis Alexander’s life, she should be able to fuck her way out of the consequences for murdering him.  Since the defendant has never accepted responsibility for anything she has ever done, it is unfair to make her start off with such a big thing.  Maybe, just maybe (but probably not), if she had any previous experience accepting responsibility for some small things, she could have worked her way up to accepting responsibility for first degree premeditated murder, with the death penalty as a very real option, but she hasn’t, so cut her some slack!  It has been her only currency in life, and now she is just supposed to come up with a new way to pay for her actions?  Like with her life?  Come on!  Surely you can see her ability to fuck is a mitigating factor!

On top of everything else, even though the defendant has always been able to fuck her way into and out of any situation, that strategy is just not working, especially with her lead counsel, and she is about at her wit’s end.  Her lead attorney has steadfastly refused to fuck her.  He will not fuck her with penile-vaginal penetration, penile-anal penetration, or even a quick blow job.  (To be fair, though, she couldn’t have found his dick with a 10 foot pole– no pun intended– well, maybe intended just a little bit — during the first eight years of their association.)   Since being arrested, she has successfully seduced her second chair counsel, her mitigation specialist, all the experts the defense has paraded her in front of, many inmates at the Estrella jail, and several members of the public, but it is just not working with her lead counsel.  She has been relentless in her efforts to manipulate him into any kind of sex, because she has no other coping skills (unless you count cold blooded murder).  He loves to talk dirty, which the defendant initially took as a good sign, but he just won’t give it up.  He refuses to fuck her, and for some unfathomable reason, the court refuses to accept that as a reasonable excuse to get him replaced with a more susceptible and willing-to-fuck new lead counsel, no matter how many times they have both petitioned for it.  However, since he really does love to talk dirty, repeatedly and wildly inappropriately, making it seem like it is a real issue even though nothing could be further from the truth, he did agree to proceed with a defense strategy based on the twin pillars of “fucking for fun and profit,” and “the son of a bitch had it coming because he would fuck me but he wouldn’t marry me, he wouldn’t even acknowledge I had been his girlfriend for a very brief time more than a year ago, and that is really chapping my ass all these years later, because damnit, I wrote in my diary I loved him over and over again!”

And of course, the prosecutor is completely contemptuous of the defendant.  He would not fall under her spell when she testified, he keeps tripping up her defense experts when they lie, he exposed her forged letter gambit before it ever really got off the ground, he obliterated her “perjury by affidavit” scam, and he refuses to bend the rules for the defendant, apparently because he just does not appreciate her magnificent specialness.  He keeps insisting she should not only accept responsibility for her crime, but pay for it, too.  It is flat out  unreasonable and just downright mean to make her start off with such a big thing.   Jeez!  Come on Mr. Martinez, give her a break!

So in closing, let’s just review the life of the defendant.  She has had a lifelong struggle with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth.  (Given her interpretation of the words victim and survivor, maybe she has trouble with the English language, also.  What the heck, just throw that in when you start deliberations.)  She is an inveterate liar, a master manipulator, irresponsible, juvenile, and a bitch, but she is one hell of a fuck.  While all these skills proved extremely successful in the outside world, and might in fact be beneficial in prison, too, how will she be able to maximize her potential if she is on death row?  To date, she has not had a great deal of luck with the men and women of the Arizona Department of Corrections.  They have insisted, quite unreasonably, that she has to follow the same rules and regulations as everyone else, that she is forbidden from smuggling contraband in and out of the jail, and they will probably be even more hard assed about things in Perryville, especially if she is on death row.

I ask you, ladies and gentleman of the jury, is it fair to execute a special someone with a long history of struggling with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth?  She only did “one bad thing.”  As you can tell, as you no doubt picked up on during this trial, WOBO and all her sycophants believe strongly that if you just say something over and over, it makes it true.  So just keep saying to yourselves, “She is magnificent.  She is special.  She is magnificently special.  And boy can she fuck!”


February 22, 2015
Hi, everyone!  I thought that since Kelly is still a little under the weather (no pun intended), I would pull together some information about “LIFE ON DEATH ROW”.
Each prison has its very own “personality”, what may be allowed in one prison, may be “contraband” in another!     My “friends” on Death row are: Toney D, Union Correctional, FL,, Wayne P., Chillicothe Correctional, Ohio and Travis R., Polunsky, Texas.  Travis is allowed a typewriter, Wayne is allowed to have a small job, and Toney is allowed letters which include stamps.  None of the three are living a “lush life”, but they all do the best they can, under the circumstances.
Both Toney and Travis are allowed to receive monies into their commissary account through “JPay”, Wayne is allowed to receive money only from the people on his “Visitor List”.  I am listed on Toney’s visitor list, I am allowed to visit anySaturday from 9 to 3. I’m planning to visit next month, close to his birthday, assuming my corneal surgery allows me to drive the 4 hour round trip.  Toney looks forward to my visits, but I dread them!
After corresponding with Toney for some time, I asked him in one of my letters if he would like me to visit.  I had NO idea of what I was getting myself into!  Of course, he was elated at the idea that someone would come and visit; after all, he is only allowed out of his cell 3 times a week for a shower, and 3 times a week for recreation!  He is fully shackled and chained from his door to the shower and back, to the “rec cage” and back…so, to him, spending time OUT of his cell, in a “regular” room, without shackles and belly chains is a valuable experience!
The first step was to add me to his “visitor list”.  Different prisons have different rules, some allow an unlimited number of names on the visitor list, Union Correctional allows 5.  This wasn’t an issue for Toney, because his parents have passed, and he has no siblings, but there are men who must be very selective about who they have on the list, because, to quote Toney, “you can’t waste one of the openings on someone who never comes!”
To get on the visitor list takes some intestinal fortitude!  Toney sent me a 2 page application which must be answered truthfully, “under penalty of law”, and the application allows them to run a full background check. After completing the application, the applicant sends it to a special processing unit.
What can disqualify a visitor?
To list a few, a criminal history, providing false or inaccurate information on a visiting application, mailing an incomplete application, etc. Possessing a criminal record will not automatically disqualify you for visitation. The nature, extent, and recency of criminal offenses are taken into consideration. However, as of January 8, 2007, offenders must be discharged from community supervision for at least one year prior to being eligible for consideration.
Additionally: A visitor will not be permitted to be on more than one inmate’s approved visiting record unless they are immediate family members. If you are already on the approved list of a non-family member, you may be added to the list of a family member. However, you may not be added to the list of a non-family member if you are already on an approved visiting list, family or otherwise.
The State of Florida states that it takes up to 30 days to process applications, and mine took EXACTLY 30 days!  After my application was approved, they notified Toney that I had been approved to visit on SATURDAYS.  The State reminds you in many ways that Visitation is a privilege and as such is subject to suspension/revocation if circumstances dictate!
There are plenty of rules involved, for the inmate and the visitor, and the smallest infraction can mean that the visit will NOT happen!
For the Inmate:

1) During visiting, inmates shall dress in accordance with Rule 33-602.101, F.A.C. Permanent inmates assigned to reception centers may wear a white shirt and white trousers during visitation. Inmates at work release centers whose work assignments are at the center may wear white shirts and white trousers during visitation.

(2) Inmates shall be strip-searched before and after visiting. Staff will conduct searches in accordance with Rule 33-602.204, F.A.C.

(3) Inmates shall not visit with anyone other than their authorized visitors.

(4) The inmate shall not pass items to another inmate or to a visitor or accept items from another inmate or a visitor except as specified in Rule 33-601.727, F.A.C.

(5) Inmates shall not be loud, boisterous, threatening, or disorderly during a visit or while in the visiting area.

(6) Inmates may briefly embrace and kiss each visitor once at the beginning and end of each visit.

(a) Inmates may hold their small children or the children of their visitors.

(b) Inmates and their visitors may hold hands if the holding of hands can be observed by visiting park staff. However, the holding of hands in either the visitor’s or inmate’s lap is prohibited.

(c) No other forms of affection or physical contact between inmates and visitors are authorized.

For the Visitor:
It’s always a good idea to dress conservatively. The following is a list of some of the clothing deemed inappropriate: Tank tops, skin tight or spandex clothing, shorts that are more than 3 inches above the knee, skirts, fish net style clothing, clothing with offensive language/pictures, military style camouflage clothing to include jungle (green), urban (grey or black), and desert (tan or brown), and see thru clothing.
On my very first visit, I had to leave Union Correctional and drive to the closest Dollar Store for “proper” underclothes!  I wasn’t very sure that the Dollar Store would be of much assistance…after all, I wear a 40DD bra, which is difficult enough to find at Nordstroms!  But, I guess I wasn’t the ONLY person sent over to the Dollar Store, they carried sizes 32AA to “I could use one cup as a hat”!  AND they had a full line of underpants for both men and women, so it appears that I wasn’t the only one to “flunk out” during my entry shakedown!
They have RULES for EVERYTHING!  You can bring up to $50.00, in $1.00, $5.00, $10.00 and $20.00 denominations only or silver change, per visitor, regardless of age, to purchase snacks and beverages from the canteen or vending machines. All snacks and beverages must be purchased and consumed in the visiting area. A small wallet or pouch may be used for containing the bills and any change received from the canteen or vending purchases. YOU must handle the money, the INMATE CAN NOT!
You may bring the vehicle key necessary to operate your auto, BUT  keyless entry devices are not permitted unless the duty warden or designee determines that the device is the only means for the visitor to access the vehicle AND it does not pose a threat to institutional security.  IN OTHER WORDS, if it is a Swiss Knife sans car key, forget it!  They aren’t as strict on this as they once were, because most new cars have only keyless entry…  Horror story #2 involved the day I showed up there with TWO car key fobs…I couldn’t lock one inside the car, the car doesn’t allow you to lock of the fob is INside the car…I had to explain it to guard #1 that I accidentally had BOTH fobs, and explain it AGAIN to guard #s 2, 3 and 4…and then tell the story backward (just kidding).  It COULD have been hilarious…if it hadn’t been so frightening! I ended up with 4 guards watching me explain the same story to the Assistant Warden..l think they were taking mental notes to see if telling the same story 5 times made sense!  They FINALLY let me in! (THAT was Visit #2)
After you park your car, you walk over to the first guard shack.  You must show them the Prison Visitor Card your inmate sends.  Then, walk across a huge paved area between two VERY tall guard towers-which remind me of the towers you see on airport runways…you can’t see anyone inside, the windows have a reflective coating…but you are just SURE that rifles are trained on your heart or brains!  As you approach the building, there are two VERY tall fences, with WARNING signs proclaiming that the fence is electrified.  I certainly wasn’t going to test it to find out if they meant it!
I wasn’t sure if I should ring a bell, or….?  So, I just stood and tried to figure out what to do…obviously, they WERE watching me, because I heard a buzzing notice and the huge gate began to open. I walked into a “no-mans land”…a strip of land between the fence/gate I just walked thru, and another just like it ahead of me.  I’m guessing those two fences were 20-25 feet apart.  The gate closed behind me…it took about 2 minutes to close, and 30 seconds or so later, the next gate buzzed and began to open.
After getting thru the two gates, I followed the path out to the building.  A huge glass window (like a bank, perhaps) had a sign which instructed me to put my drivers license up on the magnified portion of the glass….which I did…and 2-3 minutes later, the next fence gate opened.
After going thru the gate, I followed the arrows to an open door and stepped in.  Three men Correctional Officers and 2 women were waiting…they all wore rubber gloves, which caused me to wonder what I was in for!  I stepped up to the desk, and the CO there took an inventory of everything I was holding, (pouch with money, car key) then an inventory of glasses, jewelry, etc.
A sharp “FOLLOW ME” moved me to a small room…where I flunked out…on my first visit, I did not KNOW that both a “proper” bra and “proper” panties were mandatory…so, I had to reverse the above procedure, go to the dollar store, buy a bra and panties (no, dollar store didn’t have a ladies room and I couldn’t find a gas station on the way back!) (So, I parked between a big truck and a van and put on my new underthings!). (I barely got done in the nick of time…just as I finished, the CO with the drug sniffing dog was making rounds in the parking lot!
So…rerun all that I did before, zoom, zoom, zoom, and back to the CO (with no sense of humor) approved of my “proper” underthings,…I had to pull the bra out, away from my chest…and “shake” in the prescribed manner (to dislodge contraband)…empty all pockets, inspection of shoes and socks…and out…to the next station.
Yet another inventory of possessions…and then go wait at another gate.  Finally, a CO arrived to escort me through a huge MAZE of tall fencing, topped with razor wire to yet ANOTHER Set of gates.
After going thru the last set of gates, I entered the building and followed the arrows to the Visiting room!
In the next guest blog, I’ll tell you a little about my visit!

Sent from Out in Left Field

I’m Here

February 17, 2015

Sorry everybody, this sicks got the best of me.  I’m fine.  Just feel sick.  I will go read the comments I have missed and be back in a bit.  Don’t forget we are supposed to have trial tomorrow.

Sorry I scared everyone.  I’m going to hook BWR up with my neighbor so if something like this occurs again they can let you Know.

I’m Taking A Day Off

February 13, 2015

Hai everybody.  Sorry, I’m really tired, so I’m taking the day off.  I will of course be kicking around if anybody needs me once I get back from my world wide tour of the internet, I have to move that plane again, take my train track pc walk, head over to Calgary and feed my reindeer.

I have homework.  Check out Dalia Dippolito, she got granted a new trial (because the justice system in Florida is truly, truly fucked up.)  I’m trying to find out when her new trial starts.  We could have some fun with this one.

Holmes also.  Those are the two I am seriously debating right now, and maybe Broderick.  Let me know.

I will see you guys tomorrow.

RBMD peacing the fuck out


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