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A Smart Ass Guest Blog For Nurmi – By Schaeffer

February 24, 2015

 

Does anyone know how to get in touch with Nurmi?  I have written his closing argument.  (Since he has adopted an “I want to be like Juan” posture, he will refer to himself in the third person.)

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it appears the State of Arizona, and especially that meanie Juan Martinez, want The Whore of Babble On and On and On (WOBO) to pay for the brutal murder of Travis Alexander, and this is wholly unacceptable.  After all, she only did “one bad thing.”  How bad can one thing be?  The world has always been against this poor woman, and despite her unshakable belief in her own intelligence and her own magnificent specialness, she struggles with many common concepts, such as responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth.

Even though she struggles with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth, she does have an encyclopaedic knowledge of fucking, and in fact, considers it her most charming quality and marketable skill.  She wholeheartedly believes it, and it alone, should serve as a life-sparing mitigating factor in your deliberations.  Allow me to explain.

Testimony from the defendant and several paid witnesses has clearly established she has only a passing acquaintance with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth.  She has never had or done anything valuable or worthwhile in her entire life.  She has never had a career, only jobs any 16 year old could get, with employers who fired her for stealing from them or for not showing up — which, by the way, are completely persecutorial and unjustifiable actions.  She claims to have been an artist, a photographer, and a victim of domestic violence.  However,  it has become evident what she really means is she had a box of crayons and some tracing paper, the ability to scrawl an eight letter word (which she didn’t understand, but hey, she spelled it correctly) on a plain white t-shirt, a cell phone, and a propensity for taking selfies of herself fucking.

Hell, because she struggles so with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth, she couldn’t even join a religion correctly.  She unwisely chose to convert to one of the most restrictive Western religions, while living in a city which is a stronghold of that faith.  Despite several instructional meetings with missionaries from The LDS Church, and constantly toting around and pretending to study both The Book of Mormon and The Bible, her interpretation of Church doctrine was, “fuck the brains out of a devout member, stalk, blackmail, and terrorize him, no need to bother with pesky things like the basic tenets of Mormonism or the ever popular 10 Commandments.”  Despite the fact that The Book of Mormon is excruciatingly clear on its foundational tenets, especially something called The Vow of Chastity — which anyone can tell by its use of the word “vow” is merely a general idea, open to individual interpretation — this poor woman thought it meant, “these are just a few suggestions, but they don’t apply to ‘special’ people, so if you are indeed ‘special’ do whatever the fuck you want.”  See how she can work “fucking” into anything?  That is talent.  Surely you can see that her lifelong struggle with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth, struggles which also manifested themselves in her interpretation of what makes an artist, a photographer, and a victim, carried over into her interpretation of religious doctrine, doctrine which has stood for centuries and which is abundantly clear to anyone else, just not to her.

While she has had a lifelong struggle with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth, WOBO has had one concept which she has clearly understood, and, with the exception of the tough spot in which she now finds herself, has stood her in good stead: she is a hell of a fuck.  She has always been able to fuck herself into and out of any situation.  However, she has now finally come upon a situation she cannot fuck her way out of, and it is just not fair.  Since she was able to fuck her way into Travis Alexander’s life, she should be able to fuck her way out of the consequences for murdering him.  Since the defendant has never accepted responsibility for anything she has ever done, it is unfair to make her start off with such a big thing.  Maybe, just maybe (but probably not), if she had any previous experience accepting responsibility for some small things, she could have worked her way up to accepting responsibility for first degree premeditated murder, with the death penalty as a very real option, but she hasn’t, so cut her some slack!  It has been her only currency in life, and now she is just supposed to come up with a new way to pay for her actions?  Like with her life?  Come on!  Surely you can see her ability to fuck is a mitigating factor!

On top of everything else, even though the defendant has always been able to fuck her way into and out of any situation, that strategy is just not working, especially with her lead counsel, and she is about at her wit’s end.  Her lead attorney has steadfastly refused to fuck her.  He will not fuck her with penile-vaginal penetration, penile-anal penetration, or even a quick blow job.  (To be fair, though, she couldn’t have found his dick with a 10 foot pole– no pun intended– well, maybe intended just a little bit — during the first eight years of their association.)   Since being arrested, she has successfully seduced her second chair counsel, her mitigation specialist, all the experts the defense has paraded her in front of, many inmates at the Estrella jail, and several members of the public, but it is just not working with her lead counsel.  She has been relentless in her efforts to manipulate him into any kind of sex, because she has no other coping skills (unless you count cold blooded murder).  He loves to talk dirty, which the defendant initially took as a good sign, but he just won’t give it up.  He refuses to fuck her, and for some unfathomable reason, the court refuses to accept that as a reasonable excuse to get him replaced with a more susceptible and willing-to-fuck new lead counsel, no matter how many times they have both petitioned for it.  However, since he really does love to talk dirty, repeatedly and wildly inappropriately, making it seem like it is a real issue even though nothing could be further from the truth, he did agree to proceed with a defense strategy based on the twin pillars of “fucking for fun and profit,” and “the son of a bitch had it coming because he would fuck me but he wouldn’t marry me, he wouldn’t even acknowledge I had been his girlfriend for a very brief time more than a year ago, and that is really chapping my ass all these years later, because damnit, I wrote in my diary I loved him over and over again!”

And of course, the prosecutor is completely contemptuous of the defendant.  He would not fall under her spell when she testified, he keeps tripping up her defense experts when they lie, he exposed her forged letter gambit before it ever really got off the ground, he obliterated her “perjury by affidavit” scam, and he refuses to bend the rules for the defendant, apparently because he just does not appreciate her magnificent specialness.  He keeps insisting she should not only accept responsibility for her crime, but pay for it, too.  It is flat out  unreasonable and just downright mean to make her start off with such a big thing.   Jeez!  Come on Mr. Martinez, give her a break!

So in closing, let’s just review the life of the defendant.  She has had a lifelong struggle with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth.  (Given her interpretation of the words victim and survivor, maybe she has trouble with the English language, also.  What the heck, just throw that in when you start deliberations.)  She is an inveterate liar, a master manipulator, irresponsible, juvenile, and a bitch, but she is one hell of a fuck.  While all these skills proved extremely successful in the outside world, and might in fact be beneficial in prison, too, how will she be able to maximize her potential if she is on death row?  To date, she has not had a great deal of luck with the men and women of the Arizona Department of Corrections.  They have insisted, quite unreasonably, that she has to follow the same rules and regulations as everyone else, that she is forbidden from smuggling contraband in and out of the jail, and they will probably be even more hard assed about things in Perryville, especially if she is on death row.

I ask you, ladies and gentleman of the jury, is it fair to execute a special someone with a long history of struggling with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth?  She only did “one bad thing.”  As you can tell, as you no doubt picked up on during this trial, WOBO and all her sycophants believe strongly that if you just say something over and over, it makes it true.  So just keep saying to yourselves, “She is magnificent.  She is special.  She is magnificently special.  And boy can she fuck!”

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