A Smart Ass Guest Blog For Nurmi – By Schaeffer


Does anyone know how to get in touch with Nurmi?  I have written his closing argument.  (Since he has adopted an “I want to be like Juan” posture, he will refer to himself in the third person.)

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it appears the State of Arizona, and especially that meanie Juan Martinez, want The Whore of Babble On and On and On (WOBO) to pay for the brutal murder of Travis Alexander, and this is wholly unacceptable.  After all, she only did “one bad thing.”  How bad can one thing be?  The world has always been against this poor woman, and despite her unshakable belief in her own intelligence and her own magnificent specialness, she struggles with many common concepts, such as responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth.

Even though she struggles with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth, she does have an encyclopaedic knowledge of fucking, and in fact, considers it her most charming quality and marketable skill.  She wholeheartedly believes it, and it alone, should serve as a life-sparing mitigating factor in your deliberations.  Allow me to explain.

Testimony from the defendant and several paid witnesses has clearly established she has only a passing acquaintance with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth.  She has never had or done anything valuable or worthwhile in her entire life.  She has never had a career, only jobs any 16 year old could get, with employers who fired her for stealing from them or for not showing up — which, by the way, are completely persecutorial and unjustifiable actions.  She claims to have been an artist, a photographer, and a victim of domestic violence.  However,  it has become evident what she really means is she had a box of crayons and some tracing paper, the ability to scrawl an eight letter word (which she didn’t understand, but hey, she spelled it correctly) on a plain white t-shirt, a cell phone, and a propensity for taking selfies of herself fucking.

Hell, because she struggles so with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth, she couldn’t even join a religion correctly.  She unwisely chose to convert to one of the most restrictive Western religions, while living in a city which is a stronghold of that faith.  Despite several instructional meetings with missionaries from The LDS Church, and constantly toting around and pretending to study both The Book of Mormon and The Bible, her interpretation of Church doctrine was, “fuck the brains out of a devout member, stalk, blackmail, and terrorize him, no need to bother with pesky things like the basic tenets of Mormonism or the ever popular 10 Commandments.”  Despite the fact that The Book of Mormon is excruciatingly clear on its foundational tenets, especially something called The Vow of Chastity — which anyone can tell by its use of the word “vow” is merely a general idea, open to individual interpretation — this poor woman thought it meant, “these are just a few suggestions, but they don’t apply to ‘special’ people, so if you are indeed ‘special’ do whatever the fuck you want.”  See how she can work “fucking” into anything?  That is talent.  Surely you can see that her lifelong struggle with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth, struggles which also manifested themselves in her interpretation of what makes an artist, a photographer, and a victim, carried over into her interpretation of religious doctrine, doctrine which has stood for centuries and which is abundantly clear to anyone else, just not to her.

While she has had a lifelong struggle with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth, WOBO has had one concept which she has clearly understood, and, with the exception of the tough spot in which she now finds herself, has stood her in good stead: she is a hell of a fuck.  She has always been able to fuck herself into and out of any situation.  However, she has now finally come upon a situation she cannot fuck her way out of, and it is just not fair.  Since she was able to fuck her way into Travis Alexander’s life, she should be able to fuck her way out of the consequences for murdering him.  Since the defendant has never accepted responsibility for anything she has ever done, it is unfair to make her start off with such a big thing.  Maybe, just maybe (but probably not), if she had any previous experience accepting responsibility for some small things, she could have worked her way up to accepting responsibility for first degree premeditated murder, with the death penalty as a very real option, but she hasn’t, so cut her some slack!  It has been her only currency in life, and now she is just supposed to come up with a new way to pay for her actions?  Like with her life?  Come on!  Surely you can see her ability to fuck is a mitigating factor!

On top of everything else, even though the defendant has always been able to fuck her way into and out of any situation, that strategy is just not working, especially with her lead counsel, and she is about at her wit’s end.  Her lead attorney has steadfastly refused to fuck her.  He will not fuck her with penile-vaginal penetration, penile-anal penetration, or even a quick blow job.  (To be fair, though, she couldn’t have found his dick with a 10 foot pole– no pun intended– well, maybe intended just a little bit — during the first eight years of their association.)   Since being arrested, she has successfully seduced her second chair counsel, her mitigation specialist, all the experts the defense has paraded her in front of, many inmates at the Estrella jail, and several members of the public, but it is just not working with her lead counsel.  She has been relentless in her efforts to manipulate him into any kind of sex, because she has no other coping skills (unless you count cold blooded murder).  He loves to talk dirty, which the defendant initially took as a good sign, but he just won’t give it up.  He refuses to fuck her, and for some unfathomable reason, the court refuses to accept that as a reasonable excuse to get him replaced with a more susceptible and willing-to-fuck new lead counsel, no matter how many times they have both petitioned for it.  However, since he really does love to talk dirty, repeatedly and wildly inappropriately, making it seem like it is a real issue even though nothing could be further from the truth, he did agree to proceed with a defense strategy based on the twin pillars of “fucking for fun and profit,” and “the son of a bitch had it coming because he would fuck me but he wouldn’t marry me, he wouldn’t even acknowledge I had been his girlfriend for a very brief time more than a year ago, and that is really chapping my ass all these years later, because damnit, I wrote in my diary I loved him over and over again!”

And of course, the prosecutor is completely contemptuous of the defendant.  He would not fall under her spell when she testified, he keeps tripping up her defense experts when they lie, he exposed her forged letter gambit before it ever really got off the ground, he obliterated her “perjury by affidavit” scam, and he refuses to bend the rules for the defendant, apparently because he just does not appreciate her magnificent specialness.  He keeps insisting she should not only accept responsibility for her crime, but pay for it, too.  It is flat out  unreasonable and just downright mean to make her start off with such a big thing.   Jeez!  Come on Mr. Martinez, give her a break!

So in closing, let’s just review the life of the defendant.  She has had a lifelong struggle with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth.  (Given her interpretation of the words victim and survivor, maybe she has trouble with the English language, also.  What the heck, just throw that in when you start deliberations.)  She is an inveterate liar, a master manipulator, irresponsible, juvenile, and a bitch, but she is one hell of a fuck.  While all these skills proved extremely successful in the outside world, and might in fact be beneficial in prison, too, how will she be able to maximize her potential if she is on death row?  To date, she has not had a great deal of luck with the men and women of the Arizona Department of Corrections.  They have insisted, quite unreasonably, that she has to follow the same rules and regulations as everyone else, that she is forbidden from smuggling contraband in and out of the jail, and they will probably be even more hard assed about things in Perryville, especially if she is on death row.

I ask you, ladies and gentleman of the jury, is it fair to execute a special someone with a long history of struggling with the concepts of responsibility, accountability, rules, and most especially, the truth?  She only did “one bad thing.”  As you can tell, as you no doubt picked up on during this trial, WOBO and all her sycophants believe strongly that if you just say something over and over, it makes it true.  So just keep saying to yourselves, “She is magnificent.  She is special.  She is magnificently special.  And boy can she fuck!”

41 Responses to A Smart Ass Guest Blog For Nurmi – By Schaeffer

  1. CarlT says:

    LMAO! I had to scroll up a couple of times and make sure I wasn’t reading the Queen! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

  2. Connie Rust says:

    Good one!

  3. renaes24 says:

    Hey Schaeffer: Can you substitute for Nurmi today? I would much rather hear THIS in court than whatever is going to come out of his mouth.

  4. Brenda Schonig says:

    This is great and will no doubt be shorter then what we can expect Nurmi to come up with.

  5. Debs says:

    That was brilliant! WOBO.. omg I am going to be chuckling for the rest of the day with that one! Superb read thanks 🙂

  6. Jen Kane says:

    Where is Kelly

  7. RobinC says:

    Okay, so I’m confused. Is WOBO Hodi or Nurmi? Pot meet kettle!

  8. TrulyUSA says:

    Schaeffer that was fucking funny, I don’t care who you are. Thanks for the morning chuckle with my coffee — I can’t wait to see what happens today.

  9. Mama Via says:

    Well done! Schaeffer, I hope we read more guest blogs from you!

    Blue, special thanks for all you do! Stay warm and safe! Sending love to you and Mrs. B!

  10. Sherlock1005 says:

    Bravo Schaeffer !! Bravo !! (insert applause here)

  11. TrulyUSA says:

    New filings from the DT today – who’d thunk it? Ha! Marc Magee and MDLR are being harrassed in social media, that’s my best guess.

  12. Schaeffer says:

    When the trend in the United States is to try younger and younger children as adults, and sentence them to LWOP, I don’t think I would keep harping on her age being “ONLY 27 years old” as a mitigating factor, not to mention she was within a month of being 28. In AZ, youth as young as 14 can be tried as an adult and sentenced to LWOP.

    • Connie Rust says:

      Agree 100%. I don’t get how her age can be a mitigator. She was 27; not 7.

      • Connie Rust says:

        I also don’t understand no criminal history. Why is that a mitigating factor? If not having a criminal history gives you a license to slaughter somebody we’d have a lot more murderers in this country!

      • renaes24 says:

        Agree with you there. Bundy didn’t have a criminal record……until he did. Does not give one a ‘pass’.

  13. BlueWhiteRed says:

    Great job, Schaeffer, I have laughed so hard at this! More! More!

  14. Sherry says:

    This was awesome, and unfortunately not even close to what vile stupidity that spurted out of Alfred E. today. I mean what the hell does being only 27 have anything to do with anything? Or the fact that she hasn’t a criminal record? (only because the WOBO never got caught or charged). Give me a bloody break. But I am glad that Numnuts used those pictures of a smiling Stabby, cuz then Juan got to use them too, right beside a picture of TA’s slit throat. That’s what the jury needed to connect, Stabby and a dead Travis. I don’t know what Numnuts can say tomorrow to erase that picture from the jury’s minds.

  15. Deb says:

    Schaeffer…you’ve blown me away! That was just so good a summation, I wish you could give the closing argument for Travis…and I don’t mean to take anything away from Juan Martinez…he does work under stiffer constraints. You are spot on, my dear Travis advocate!!

  16. Mama Via says:

    Please say a prayer to give the jurors guidance, to give Travis justice, and his family peace and closure. May the jurors stay strong, and see the things we have seen. So mote it be. Amen

  17. margaret says:

    AMEN Mama. Whatever she gets will be less than what she deserves. Hi Kelly keep getting stronger. You are sorely missed.
    Good post Schaeffer, thanks for the laugh.

  18. Bazzethound says:

    Thanks for the laughs, Schaefer!

    Kelly, get better soon, but take all the time you need~the dog pound will be here.

    Love, the Bazzethound

  19. hbbeachbun says:

    Way to go Schaeffer. That was amazing. Kelly, hope you are feeling better soon. Amen, Mama. Justice for Travis will prevail

  20. essem58 says:

    Brilliant Schaeffer. I’m about to read the feed of Juan’s closing. For Nurmi’s eyes post a link on Twitter with #HiNurmi I’m sure he’ll see it. Heard WOBO was crying this morning. Anyone know if real tears or the usual fake tears? If real perhaps she finally realised her arse is being kicked to the kerb GAME OVER!

    • Schaeffer says:

      Good idea on the twitter post. Unfortunately, I don’t know anything about twitter — I am merely a twit, not a twitterer.

  21. Lori g says:

    Essem58- of course they were fake tears. Her duhfense team probably had an onion hidden. I think she gets off on autopsy photos and is hiding her face while she’s in the throes of an orgasm.

    On another note, I’m tired of news bloggers and lawyers trashing Juan’s closing. They don’t seem to understand that his job is to show that her mitigators are bullshit. He’s speaking to a jury of peers not some POS, lying expert. His job isn’t to stress premeditation. I thought he was masterful and not because he’s my hero.

    I even heard that Skye Hughs said it was the worst closing ever by a prosecutor. If true, way to go Skye. Just make the Alexander’s feel like shit. Does she understand what Juan’s job is during penalty phase? Apparently not. Enough of my rant, sorry I’m pissed.

    Anyone, what did you think of closing arguments?

    • TrulyUSA says:

      Hi Lori, I think Juan did a good job of walking the jurors through her lifelong habit of dishonesty and manipulation. It was important they see clearly that Travis did NOT create her issues, she was the one that was so defective she would murder if she did not get her way. She certainly demonstrated by her lack of allocution that getting her way is of utmost importance to her. I did not see it, but I hope Juan got a chance to remind the jurors that no one, NOT ONE person from her past was there to speak for her in person. I was surprised there was no Darryl Brewer this time? Maybe he was told if he showed up they would subpoena his penis! Ha!

    • Connie Rust says:

      I also think Juan’s closing was brilliant. He eloquently dismantled each of Nurmi’s arguments without opening any doors for Nurmi to walk thru today. I won’t be following the tweets today because I’m done with Nurmi….but will catch the recaps later.
      Kelly hope u are on the mend. We miss you!

    • Schaeffer says:

      I wouldn’t dream of criticizing Juan Martinez, but he does make me nervous sometimes. He is so smart, he remembers everything, can connect all the dots, and I think he sometimes forgets the vast majority of people cannot do the same. I wish he would have stressed the premeditation more, both during the witnesses and in closing. While Nurmi bores everyone to tears with his incessant repetition, I fear Juan skips over too many points too quickly. There has to be a happy medium. As the old adage says, “A jury is made up of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”

      Speaking of which, does anyone have any idea why those two jurors were dismissed? If I were on a jury that long, had listened to all that mind numbing testimony by the defense, and paused my life for six months, I would make damn sure I didn’t get thrown off on the last day. Maybe they wanted to get dismissed.

  22. TrulyUSA says:

    Schaeffer this was even funnier the second time I read it. Really, really good. Kelly, I sure hope you are doing better, we are worried about you. I think Juan was able to show Stabby’s real personality to the jurors, and was able to show Travis had nothing to do with that personality. He was finally the victim yesterday, thanks to Juan. That’s why Stabby got upset at the end, she knew all of her efforts at deception were falling flat, nobody’s buying it. All of her chickens have come to roost! May the jurors find unanimous agreement quickly!

  23. trulyusa says:

    Oh yeah — I’m out today and I just hate hate hate it! I will be checking in later this evening to see what occurred!

  24. Schaeffer says:

    Thank you to everyone for the oh-so-kind comments. At the risk of sounding immodest, I do think my summation was better than what Nurmi actually said; at least it was honest. If he couldn’t refer to her as an “insanely jealous, vindictive, cold blooded murdering bitch”, which is what she is, he could have at least called her a “woman” rather than a “girl.”

    Nurmi’s closing sounded to me a lot like a replay of WOBO’s last allocution, which did not go over well the first time. A bunch of photos from her childhood and young adulthood? Smiling, happy, clean, well-fed, surrounded by family? I thought she was supposed to have been abused and neglected; where were those photos? “This is the young girl you will be killing!” How about “This is the boy SHE KILLED?” Did he forget the photos Juan Martinez could show, which showed WOBO in a very bad light indeed. Juan’s photos were much more effective, devastating, AND relevant. Was Nurmi going for the “she is too pretty to kill” defense? Because, she looks like a middle aged hag.

    I also would have steered clear of that “easily manipulated” theme, when she has repeatedly demanded the entire judicial system accommodate her every whim, then pitched a huge hissy fit every time she didn’t get her way (which admittedly was not often). I also do not believe “I didn’t kill any of my other boyfriends” is a legitimate defense. Nurmi used “Just because Travis didn’t abuse any of his other girlfriends” as proof he abused WOBO, yet kept harping on “ WOBO didn’t kill her other boyfriends” so why is it her fault this time. Huh?

    Again, I am flattered by your comments. Perhaps I will give up the practice of art history and open a speech writing business!

  25. Schaeffer says:

    Nurmi opens with “The State is trying to distract from the realities of the situation” — are you kidding me? That has been the ENTIRE defense strategy!

  26. Schaeffer says:

    If the entire jury would jump up and shout, “YES!!!” when Nurmi asks “Will you kill this /girl woman?” would this entire fiasco be over? Please, please, please let it happen.

  27. Lori g says:

    Forgot to say stupendous job Schaeffer. I think you’re spot on about juan. He’s so brilliant and does tie everything up with a bow,but it may be to fast for some people to take it all in. What nurmi did today was disgusting. He strayed so far from what the law says that I’m actually surprised that even not a judge Stephens didn’t cut him off. He speaks out of both sides of his mouth and it’s garbage. Sadly, I think the jury will give her life

  28. achmelvichcastle says:

    enjoyed this so much!!! send Kelly my regards, hope she is ok.

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Varmt News Network

It's the Internet.


Just another WordPress.com site

Asleep in Left Field-My Life

4 out of 5 Friends recommend this WordPress.com site

Out in left field

(Totally fictional) Drama Queen Stories


sometimes, there are monsters walking amongst us

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