Stabby Arias – A Reading By The In-House Psychic

March 1, 2015





Hi everyone.  It’s me the in house psychic.  My slave driver boss asked me to try and get a reading on the migraine of my life Stabby. I wasn’t going to do it but she dragged out my contract of indentured servitude and said it was either this or I had to go to Perryville and get a reading on that Angela woman and who the fuck wants to do that? So, Stabby it is. Just have to check my supplies…extra strength Tylenol-check, cotton for the nosebleeds-check, number for my therapist-check, rental car that is definitely not red-check.

Okay, I’m having a hard time getting the frequency, weird though I keep hearing somebody say spit at them and charge? Oh it’s a Llama. Are there still loose llamas around here? I’m scared of llamas. Okay I’ve got the jail frequency. Here we are.

OMG what the fuck is Judge Stephens problem. Not allowed to allocute in private. Moron. How am I supposed to lie to the jury when there are all these people that know I am lying? All I need is for one of them to jump up and call me a liar. What would they get, kicked out of the courtroom and then all of my carefully planned bullshit would have been right out the window. And what the fuck is Nurmi’s problem. I told him to drag this out for at least 10 more weeks. We could have definitely lost enough jurors for a mistrial. They were dropping like flies. How could he fuck up my plans like that? Dr. Geffner was pretty cool. It’s amazing what you can get somebody to say if you can give a good blowjob. Hell he would have said he did it if I’d been able to give him a little back door action. Fucking guards.

I know the Jury was very impressed about me sticking to my convictions about not lying in front of the whole world. My lies were just for them and they have to know that. Score. I could tell by the way they refused to look at me that they were in awe of my greatness. It’s the little things. Wearing purple to prove that I’m a DV survivor, wearing blue to show that I remember Travis. I know the Jury gets it. I’m so smart. I totally know they bought that shit. I hate purple, but every little thing helps.

Can’t wait till next week when not only will a verdict not be reached, but my conviction will be overturned and I will walk out of here a free woman. I will go live with my parents. I don’t care how mad at me they are. Fuck them, I had to blame somebody and they happened to be handy. They will get over it. There is enough murder money for everybody. AHAHAHAHAHAHA, yeah cuz I’d share that. OMGLOL. Whatever, I’ll just tell them I will give them some, that doesn’t mean I actually will.

Wonder if Abe wants to hook up after I am exonerated? He obviously still has the hots for me. I’d like to finally show him the magic in my panties. Besides, banging someone who may kill you at any moment is probably totally hot.

Hope that guard found me the bleach he promised me for my hair. I’m sick of looking like an ugly librarian. I want to go back to sex vixen. Life is so much easier when you are hot. I haven’t even been able to get anyone to smuggle me in a Strawberry Frappucino in months. FML. If I had blond hair I’d be running this place by now.

Oh goody, it’s time for my bi-weekly shower. Thank god I get to take my toothbrush. I can just tell them I am making sure I am extra clean if anyone asks.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and…OMG that’s it, I’m out. In house psychic peacing the fuck out.


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