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Stabby Arias – A Reading By The In-House Psychic

 

 

 

 

Hi everyone.  It’s me the in house psychic.  My slave driver boss asked me to try and get a reading on the migraine of my life Stabby. I wasn’t going to do it but she dragged out my contract of indentured servitude and said it was either this or I had to go to Perryville and get a reading on that Angela woman and who the fuck wants to do that? So, Stabby it is. Just have to check my supplies…extra strength Tylenol-check, cotton for the nosebleeds-check, number for my therapist-check, rental car that is definitely not red-check.

Okay, I’m having a hard time getting the frequency, weird though I keep hearing somebody say spit at them and charge? Oh it’s a Llama. Are there still loose llamas around here? I’m scared of llamas. Okay I’ve got the jail frequency. Here we are.

OMG what the fuck is Judge Stephens problem. Not allowed to allocute in private. Moron. How am I supposed to lie to the jury when there are all these people that know I am lying? All I need is for one of them to jump up and call me a liar. What would they get, kicked out of the courtroom and then all of my carefully planned bullshit would have been right out the window. And what the fuck is Nurmi’s problem. I told him to drag this out for at least 10 more weeks. We could have definitely lost enough jurors for a mistrial. They were dropping like flies. How could he fuck up my plans like that? Dr. Geffner was pretty cool. It’s amazing what you can get somebody to say if you can give a good blowjob. Hell he would have said he did it if I’d been able to give him a little back door action. Fucking guards.

I know the Jury was very impressed about me sticking to my convictions about not lying in front of the whole world. My lies were just for them and they have to know that. Score. I could tell by the way they refused to look at me that they were in awe of my greatness. It’s the little things. Wearing purple to prove that I’m a DV survivor, wearing blue to show that I remember Travis. I know the Jury gets it. I’m so smart. I totally know they bought that shit. I hate purple, but every little thing helps.

Can’t wait till next week when not only will a verdict not be reached, but my conviction will be overturned and I will walk out of here a free woman. I will go live with my parents. I don’t care how mad at me they are. Fuck them, I had to blame somebody and they happened to be handy. They will get over it. There is enough murder money for everybody. AHAHAHAHAHAHA, yeah cuz I’d share that. OMGLOL. Whatever, I’ll just tell them I will give them some, that doesn’t mean I actually will.

Wonder if Abe wants to hook up after I am exonerated? He obviously still has the hots for me. I’d like to finally show him the magic in my panties. Besides, banging someone who may kill you at any moment is probably totally hot.

Hope that guard found me the bleach he promised me for my hair. I’m sick of looking like an ugly librarian. I want to go back to sex vixen. Life is so much easier when you are hot. I haven’t even been able to get anyone to smuggle me in a Strawberry Frappucino in months. FML. If I had blond hair I’d be running this place by now.

Oh goody, it’s time for my bi-weekly shower. Thank god I get to take my toothbrush. I can just tell them I am making sure I am extra clean if anyone asks.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and…OMG that’s it, I’m out. In house psychic peacing the fuck out.

 

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30 Responses to Stabby Arias – A Reading By The In-House Psychic

  1. Mama Via says:

    LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! That was TOO FUKKUN FUNNY,! Things are so much easier when you are HAWT!!!

    Oh, good gravy! That was worth waiting for!

  2. Sherry says:

    OMG so good to have you back, Kelly! I needed that laugh.

  3. Carmen Geditt says:

    Thanks kelly! I was really missing my really big mean dog medicine, feeling better now 😀 Keep it coming, i cant get enough.
    <>

    • Carmen Geditt says:

      Hey my funky brackets didnt work right! In between em I had said
      ::We want more! We want more! no pressure lol::

  4. Jacey Freestone says:

    I have your blog saved on my favorite bar. I check everyday to see what you have written. So many write about this crazy trial. I come back to your words because you most accurately say what constantly swirls in my thoughts. You put to words what I can not. You do it with humor and sarcasm and it allows me to let it go. Otherwise I think the bizarre details of this farce would make me crazy. So thank you. So glad you are feeling better and back to set your universe right.

  5. Bazzethound says:

    Thanks a bunch, KellyMae~ it’s gonna be hours before I can face my perfectly innocent toothbrush again. *gag*
    -Gwen, a.k.a. Bazzethound

  6. Twister says:

    YES!! That’s the Kelly mojo I’ve craved! Thank you girl, you’re the best!

  7. renaes24 says:

    Kelly’s BACK!. Now all is right in the world! While on you little ‘vaca’, I figured you took some time to go to the court in Arizona. You proved me right!

  8. Deb says:

    She’s back…even better than before 🙂 P.S. I thought your SFS blog was good too. But you’ve spoiled us with the humor end of horror and pathology. Remember, “…just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down…”. So, I guess I’ll be calling you “Mary” from now on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLkp_Dx6VdI&feature=player_detailpage#t=3

  9. hbbeachbun says:

    Welcome back Kelly. We missed you but everything is good in the kingdom now. Yeah!!!

  10. Mags Vazquez says:

    Welcome Back Kelly! Your blog is very clever, Skanks wishes she was a fly on wall for the deliberations come Monday.

  11. TrulyUSA says:

    Oh thank you that’s what I’ve been missing! Loved it Kelly!!

  12. Connie Rust says:

    She’s baaaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkk!! My hair’s going red tomorrow.

  13. karen30036 says:

    bwahahahahahahaaaaaa

  14. christine says:

    Glad you are back….this was way good…..had me laughing all morning!

  15. Mama Via says:

    Hi everyone! As you wait for Miss Kelly’s next post…thought I’d tell you I have a new post up…I raided Hodi’s Mail bag…and found a hater letter to her!

    http://drunkenhausfrau.blogspot.com

  16. TrulyUSA says:

    Unholy Crapoly!!! I can’t believe we are still waiting…. what do you think, Kelly? Will they decide on Mama Via’s birthday tomorrow (Happy early Birthday Mama), or do you think this is going to take longer? I said last Friday, so there ya go.

  17. Brandy says:

    I hope and pray they send this vile women ( the 3 hole wonder) to death row tomorrow on 3-3 and that would make her the 3rd women on Death Row. they say things happen in 3’s, so would be so appropriate!

  18. Brandy says:

    Happy early Birthday Mama Via! Hope your day is extra special!

  19. Connie Rust says:

    Mama I hope you have the best birthday ever!!

  20. Mama Via says:

    Connie, Brandy and Truly…all I want for my birthday is a death sentence! Thank you for best wishes!

    • renaes24 says:

      Mama, I think the world of you…..but asking for a death as a birthday present??? No! Not now, not ever. Have a great birthday…..and THEN let the decision come down….perhaps as icing on your cake !

    • Connie Rust says:

      Mama….I just hope that death sentence arrives before my birthday……

  21. How can JA, that deluded twat, SMILE in court like she just won the lottery???

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