Mama Via Presents- Haute Cuisine, The Height of Cell Cookery

March 4, 2015

Hai everyone.  Mama’s friend Toney sent her some cooking instructions in case one ever decides to throw a dinner party in ones cell.

Make use of the most important source of edible food, the canteen.
This is where inmates with money on their accounts are allowed to order food items from a menu. All institutions have different menus and different limits on how much you can order. One main staple available in every institution in the country is Ramen noodles. Ramen is a staple in prison/jail culture food and the base for many prison dishes. The most popular is known by many names, goulash, breakdown, whatever––it’s all the same though. It starts with a base of ramen noodle soup, with various other ingredients added.

  • Make spicy beef ramen: make the noodles, drain off the water, add the seasoning pack. Then cut up a beef stick, a cheese stick, crumble a handful of spicy chips in it and season with hot sauce to taste. It’s really pretty good.
  • A lot of times, several inmates will all bring a ramen soup and one extra item, combine them in one large goulash and then divide it up evenly. It’s as much a social event as it is a way to eat.
  • Use hot water to cook with. Since most often you won’t have access to microwaves or other forms to cook, hot water is the best option for jail or prison cooking. If this is not available, then warm water is at least hopefully available. Usually, you can purchase a plastic bowl with a lid from canteen as well. You put your noodles in this, add hot water, put the lid on, and then take it to your bunk and covered with bedding and pillow to hold in the heat. This method is usually pretty effective, and after 10 minutes or so you have your ramen.
  • Try other things. For example, save your boiled egg from your breakfast tray, combine mayonnaise packets from the canteen and chop up a pickle from the canteen, and maybe a mustard pack. Save your bread from your lunch or dinner trays, and then you have an egg salad. You can do the same thing with tuna packs that are sometimes available from canteen.
  • Use packaging. Another way to cook your goulash is to use a large chip bag, or a clean trash bag, full of hot water, or if not available, put the bag under the warm water in your sink and let it run over the bag for ten minutes or so. If you’re lucky enough to get cornbread, you can collect pieces of this up, mix with a little water, and make a dough up. Use whatever you can find, like a toilet paper tube stuffed tight with toilet paper and wrapped in saran wrap from another food item as a rolling pin to roll out the dough, then wrap your filling (usually a goulash) and let dry, or place in the warmest place possible, to dry it faster. Then you have a large “burrito”.
  • Some of the more popular items from canteen to trade with are candy, spicy chips, and the king of all jailhouse items, instant coffee. A smart inmate might order a lot of these more popular items, then around the middle of the week when others run out, make loans, for example, give someone a cup of coffee, on canteen day that person owes you two cups.
  • TRADE:  For example, one person might give you their lunch tray for a ramen noodle pack. But if it’s Sunday, the day you might get, say two pieces of coffee cake and grits and eggs and toast, or biscuit and gravy day, you might be able to get a ramen soup and a bag of chips.
  • The key is, eat everything you can, work out as much as you can, even if it’s just body weight exercises, keep your physical and mental strength up as high as possible, to avoid becoming a victim. The small and the weak get preyed upon, the big and the strong survive, sometimes even thrive.
  • If you don’t have money on your books, you can do services for other inmates such as laundry, drawing cards for them to send to loved ones, helping out with legal research for their legal cases, tattoo work, hair cutting, cleaning someone else’s cell and just about anything else you can imagine.
  • Above all, be a stand up guy, don’t borrow what you can’t repay, don’t share food to win popularity, and always watch your stuff. You’re living with a bunch of thieves. They’ll steal you blind in a heartbeat if you give them half a chance. And never, ever punk out. Even if someone twice your size takes your tray, do what you have to do. Even if you get beaten or stabbed, hopefully they’ll realize that there is easier prey out there next time and try someone else instead of you.

He was even polite enough to send along a recipe that is sure to be the hit of any cell party.

Vienna Mack

1 – 3.5oz pack of Mackeral
1 pack Chicken Vienna’s
1/2 – 1.75oz bag of Hot Pork Skins
1/4 cup of cheese
1 diced jalapeno pepper
1 Ramen Noodle soup (chili flavor)
4 flour tortillas

Lightly crush pork skins then pour into thick bag.
Pour the Mackeral into bag and add diced up Vienna
Sausages.  Add cheese to the bag and mix it all up good.
Place bag into a pot of water and let boil for 30 minutes.
On the side, cook soup and add jalapeno peppers.
In a bowl, mix all ingredients together and add Chili seasoning
to desired taste.  Put mixture onto flour tortillas, roll up, and eat

I don’t know about you all but I am suddenly very hungry.  Thank you Mama for sharing this with us.

RBMD and Mama Via peacing the fuck out.


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