Mama Via Presents- Haute Cuisine, The Height of Cell Cookery

Hai everyone.  Mama’s friend Toney sent her some cooking instructions in case one ever decides to throw a dinner party in ones cell.

Make use of the most important source of edible food, the canteen.
This is where inmates with money on their accounts are allowed to order food items from a menu. All institutions have different menus and different limits on how much you can order. One main staple available in every institution in the country is Ramen noodles. Ramen is a staple in prison/jail culture food and the base for many prison dishes. The most popular is known by many names, goulash, breakdown, whatever––it’s all the same though. It starts with a base of ramen noodle soup, with various other ingredients added.

  • Make spicy beef ramen: make the noodles, drain off the water, add the seasoning pack. Then cut up a beef stick, a cheese stick, crumble a handful of spicy chips in it and season with hot sauce to taste. It’s really pretty good.
  • A lot of times, several inmates will all bring a ramen soup and one extra item, combine them in one large goulash and then divide it up evenly. It’s as much a social event as it is a way to eat.
  • Use hot water to cook with. Since most often you won’t have access to microwaves or other forms to cook, hot water is the best option for jail or prison cooking. If this is not available, then warm water is at least hopefully available. Usually, you can purchase a plastic bowl with a lid from canteen as well. You put your noodles in this, add hot water, put the lid on, and then take it to your bunk and covered with bedding and pillow to hold in the heat. This method is usually pretty effective, and after 10 minutes or so you have your ramen.
  • Try other things. For example, save your boiled egg from your breakfast tray, combine mayonnaise packets from the canteen and chop up a pickle from the canteen, and maybe a mustard pack. Save your bread from your lunch or dinner trays, and then you have an egg salad. You can do the same thing with tuna packs that are sometimes available from canteen.
  • Use packaging. Another way to cook your goulash is to use a large chip bag, or a clean trash bag, full of hot water, or if not available, put the bag under the warm water in your sink and let it run over the bag for ten minutes or so. If you’re lucky enough to get cornbread, you can collect pieces of this up, mix with a little water, and make a dough up. Use whatever you can find, like a toilet paper tube stuffed tight with toilet paper and wrapped in saran wrap from another food item as a rolling pin to roll out the dough, then wrap your filling (usually a goulash) and let dry, or place in the warmest place possible, to dry it faster. Then you have a large “burrito”.
  • Some of the more popular items from canteen to trade with are candy, spicy chips, and the king of all jailhouse items, instant coffee. A smart inmate might order a lot of these more popular items, then around the middle of the week when others run out, make loans, for example, give someone a cup of coffee, on canteen day that person owes you two cups.
  • TRADE:  For example, one person might give you their lunch tray for a ramen noodle pack. But if it’s Sunday, the day you might get, say two pieces of coffee cake and grits and eggs and toast, or biscuit and gravy day, you might be able to get a ramen soup and a bag of chips.
  • The key is, eat everything you can, work out as much as you can, even if it’s just body weight exercises, keep your physical and mental strength up as high as possible, to avoid becoming a victim. The small and the weak get preyed upon, the big and the strong survive, sometimes even thrive.
  • If you don’t have money on your books, you can do services for other inmates such as laundry, drawing cards for them to send to loved ones, helping out with legal research for their legal cases, tattoo work, hair cutting, cleaning someone else’s cell and just about anything else you can imagine.
  • Above all, be a stand up guy, don’t borrow what you can’t repay, don’t share food to win popularity, and always watch your stuff. You’re living with a bunch of thieves. They’ll steal you blind in a heartbeat if you give them half a chance. And never, ever punk out. Even if someone twice your size takes your tray, do what you have to do. Even if you get beaten or stabbed, hopefully they’ll realize that there is easier prey out there next time and try someone else instead of you.

He was even polite enough to send along a recipe that is sure to be the hit of any cell party.

Vienna Mack

1 – 3.5oz pack of Mackeral
1 pack Chicken Vienna’s
1/2 – 1.75oz bag of Hot Pork Skins
1/4 cup of cheese
1 diced jalapeno pepper
1 Ramen Noodle soup (chili flavor)
4 flour tortillas

Lightly crush pork skins then pour into thick bag.
Pour the Mackeral into bag and add diced up Vienna
Sausages.  Add cheese to the bag and mix it all up good.
Place bag into a pot of water and let boil for 30 minutes.
On the side, cook soup and add jalapeno peppers.
In a bowl, mix all ingredients together and add Chili seasoning
to desired taste.  Put mixture onto flour tortillas, roll up, and eat

I don’t know about you all but I am suddenly very hungry.  Thank you Mama for sharing this with us.

RBMD and Mama Via peacing the fuck out.


23 Responses to Mama Via Presents- Haute Cuisine, The Height of Cell Cookery

  1. Mama Via says:

    Oh, yum, I’m starving…pork skins!!! I shudder to think!

  2. Mags Vazquez says:

    Thanks but I’ll skip the jail house gourmet specials.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      so…I probably shouldn’t serve this during he viewing party when they release the trial? I’ll even bring the pruno!! come on Mags, prison food and pruno, we can’t miss.

  3. Mama Via says:

    We will be serving this at the welcome to Perryville party!

  4. Sherry says:

    ewww…what more can I say

  5. Mama Via says:

    There was another recipe that was just too gross…it started out with the Slim Jims..placed between two tortillas and then pressed between some books…till all the grease was soaked up into the tortilla…that’s as far as I got….

    Every year for Toneys birthday, I let him tell me what he needs…last year it was sweat pants and a sweat shirt, this year was his commissary package. Last year he sent me a request form for a commissary package that was to the maximum he could order…these guys learn the old phrase that “the worst that can happen is she will say “no”…well…maybe it’s that old iowa upbringing…we weren’t allowed “ge-dunks” or sodas when I was a kid…and not that I was planning on it, but I just have an “issue” with spending $200 on chips, pork rinds, and candy bars! Well, THIS package run, he filled out $20 worth of stuff on his request form…mostly Ramen and Tuna…I was feeling a bit generous because my SS check went up So, because I still had the old form from last time, I used his list to discover the things he liked most…o I added more tuna, more Ramen, some mackerel, peanut butter, Vienna sausage, cheese…stuff he could use to “cook”…but no candy, cookies, or chips.

    Remember when you still lived at home that last 6 months of your senior year, and you were over 18??? My dad would bellow “As long as your feet are under my table, you’ll eat what I set before you!” Oh, good gravy, how I hated that! But, I’ve noticed I’ve kinda become my father! I am NOT spending 2.25 on a bag of fried pork skins! There is no protein, no nutritional value, too much salt…etc, etc…if Toney wants to swap his tuna for fried pork skins, that’s his issue…but it won’t be on my conscience that he was eating chips and pork skins for dinner!

    Oh, geez…I have turned into my dad, haven’t i?

  6. Mama Via says:

    Oh, just one more note…Perryville, like Union correctional and Uncle Joe Arpiao’s bed and breakfast…all pride themselves on how cheap they can feed a prisoner for each day.

    Meals at UCI are notoriously awful. They’ve tsken to serving “mystery meat” (meat substitute) to prisoners. Food service was provided by Aramark, If I remember correctly. Until last year…the Court of Appeals ordered FDOC to provide a Kosher meals to Jewish and Muslim inmates (and 7th Day Adventists)

    “While FDOC officials had expected around 300 prisoners to sign up for kosher meals, they received more than 4,400 requests following the district court’s December 2013 order granting the DOJ’s motion for a preliminary injunction, according to a news report in the Tampa Bay Times. “The last number I saw … was 4,417,” FDOC Secretary Michael D. Crews told a state Senate committee. “Once they start having the meals, we could see the number balloon.”

    FDOC is really hating that they aren’t saving money on meals…that every white guy is either now Jewish or 7th Day Adventist and all other persons of color are suddenly Muslim!

    Just more food fun!

  7. renaes24 says:

    I have heard the Vietnamese prisoners up here just love to catch groundhogs….and I hear that what they can do with them turns out delicious! Could be true since those critters just eat roots and shoots. However, I will never look at Puxatawny Phil with the same eyes again! bon appetite!

  8. Carly Brewer says:

    With that diet, Stabby is going to get so, so fat!

    • Mama Via says:

      And she can’t order PROACTIVE, either !!!

      Can never go to a restaurant…no more rainforest cafe, no Starbucks strawberry frappes, no more Cinnobons, no more California pizza kitchen, no more Victoria’s secret, no more Nordstroms…

  9. Leslea says:

    I love everyone’s comments. ‘Thank you’ to your friend Toney. Groundhogs?!?! Ewww, Sounds “boney” like a mouse/rat!

    Does she get to have contact with her visitors? Maybe just a hello/goodbye – hug/kiss? I want them to keep her alone in a cage. I know it’ll take years & years of delays, appeals, bullshit drama nonsense of JA’s! Outta sight, outta mind! I want her to fade away. I was “looking around”(using that term read the nonsense about having to pay to watch the full trial bs.Talk about some stupid, uneducated comments!!lol Anyway, I read a question to someone about the Alexanders having a Civil Atty. Something to the effect of, if lwop,1st appeal on AZ. After that its on JA. Then they said something about her “funds”. Insinuating there’s a boatload of money saved for her defense.blah,blah,blah. Do they really have a bunch of money from donations? Id never heard that before. It may have been a tweet. Im just curious. Thanks.
    *Im hoping today is the day…….

  10. mrsmojojojo says:

    Hey Kelly…. My suggestion for a future post. The top 20 ridiculous statements Stabby has made. Possible submissions. 1) “I don’t believe in the death penalty” (my favorite — still scratching my head)
    2) Of course she was faking her orgasm in the phone sex tape because if she was masturbating she would need 2 hands and therefore she couldn’t hold the phone. There are soooooo many to chose from. 🙂 I think Justin Ross Harris is a great avenue of your blog. That guy is a real dirtbag..:)

  11. Deb says:

    As I was reading the mind-boggling menus, I kept thinking, “Yup, this is winning, alright!” Maybe stabby can invite wormi to join her for a business meeting/luncheon one day – when she finally gets her visitor privileges…so they can discuss the legal aspects of publishing her manifesto…and keeping ALL the anticipated profits for her canteen allowance 🙂

  12. Mama Via says:


  13. Mama Via says:

    I’m betting “death”

  14. Mama Via says:

    What a travesty of justice!

  15. TrulyUSA says:

    That is so gross! What’s worse is that is considered preferable over the regular meals. I bet once Stabby figures out she is no longer a reality TV star, she’ll balloon! That’s Mama! I just got to read this.

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Varmt News Network

It's the Internet.


Just another site

Asleep in Left Field-My Life

4 out of 5 Friends recommend this site

Out in left field

(Totally fictional) Drama Queen Stories


sometimes, there are monsters walking amongst us

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