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An Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story.

March 10, 2015

Hai everybody. It’s me, your Dean of Fuckery/Law Professor, Queen of the Universe (I won the pageant) resident sarcasm expert and doctor of doctoring. Since the court scene basically sucks balls right now, I figured I would try and keep you entertained with an Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story. So, get your cocoa, pull up a chair and listen.

While wandering down the train tracks on one of my patented carry my computer tower and keyboard while dragging 10 million feet of cable behind me walks, I stumbled across a giant cave. It had a fence around it and a sign that said compound. I found this…odd. Now being as I am a nosy fucker who really doesn’t have a fuck to give, and because my computer tower was getting pretty fucking heavy I dumped that bitch and went to check out what was in the cave.

It was a deep, dark, gross cave. Like seriously hazmat level gross. I wandered in deeper while contemplating whether I had remembered to move that damn plane or not. Can’t have a missing plane sitting in one place for too long you know. It was as I contemplated this that I heard what can only be described as a cackling noise. Not like chicken cackling, more like the cackling of the insane. I was slightly concerned, but being the not giving a fuck sort I decided that I just had to know where it was coming from. I followed the twists and turns in the dank, horrible cave and eventually I saw a flickering light.

I crouched down and crept forward. (Hey, I might not give a fuck but there were crazy noises coming from up ahead.) I wished I had my magic flying carpet that I used to get around the world like I do. It was then that there was a tap on my shoulder. It was Renae, defender of the realm. She had followed my 10 million feet of computer cable. Get out of here she hissed at me, don’t you know where you are? Nuh uh I said, nope, no clue. This is where king Juan banished all the crazy people she told me. Wait, what? There were enough crazy people to banish. Renae shrugged. Well, there were only two but they were really fucking nuts. Oh I said, you must mean…and Renae nodded her head. Summers eve and Massegil she whispered. The douche sisters. I shuddered involuntarily as that news rocked me right to the bottom of my frozen little heart. I thought King Juan was just gonna have them beheaded I whispered back. Nah Renae said, bad PR. I totally got that. So, what do they do in here all day I asked. Hey it seemed like a reasonable question. Oh, they plot ways to bring down King Juan and yourself highness as well as your sister princess via. Man, do they fucking hate you.

I started to move closer. Renae, being the royal protector was a little pissed but she followed me cuz it was kind of her job. I peeked around a corner and what I saw confirmed that my dear old dad King Juan should have just chopped off their heads. The were standing around a barrel with a fire going in it. They were furiously going through back issues of the national enquirer looking to see if bullshit tabloid journalism had changed at all. Massengil kept grinding her teeth and muttering about HER journalist and Summers eve kept going on about how if they took part of this story and added some of that story and just flat out made some shit up the tabloid she worked for would totally print it seeing as there was no editor or anything. Then the cackled again and did a fist bump. We’ll get them they kept saying, we’ll get them all. I looked at Renae, and Renea looked at me and we both just shrugged.

We backed out the way we came and I started coiling up the 7 million feet of computer wire. Renae gathered up the computer and keyboard. Wait I said, why don’t they just come out? Renae looked at me like I’d grown a spare head. Because people would see what they really were if anyone looked long enough. I nodded. Cool I said, the cave seems like a good place for a couple of douches. Want to come help me move a plane? Renae said sure and we walked back to my totally rickety old castle and got on my magical carpet and moved the plane.

While we were on our way back from moving that goddamn plane I asked Renae what was up with Sheriff Joe? Everybody knows he hates the douche sisters, how come he hasn’t just whacked em? Renae, wise sage and protector of the realm that she is told me that Sheriff Joe was having way more fun torturing them slowly. Like how I enquired? Oh, Renae chuckled, like telling massengil that HER reporter really thinks she’s a creepy stalker (which is totally true) but still the sheriff found her foaming at the mouth reaction amusing. What about Summers eve I asked. Oh her, he’s the one that hooked her up with the tabloid so that she would have no choice but to write more and more ridiculous things in order to get those hits she so desperately needs. Next week he said he is going to tell her that Stabby escaped just to see if she prints it. Spoiler, she totally will. I was giggling furiously now. Was it sheriff Joe that told her that I’m the one who got stabby off all the way from Ontario? Nah Renae said, she thought that one up all on her own. I was laughing so hard now Renae was very close to POINTS. And the morons believe it I managed to gasp out? Nah Renae said, they are starting to realize that you don’t get exiled to a cave for being a functioning member of society. Okay, one last question Renae I said and I’ll drop you at dads castle. Shoot Renae said. What the fuckity fuck is with the hat on summers eve? Is she color blind, does she have a bald spot, is it some counter culture statement. What is the deal with the fucking hat? Oh that was sheriff Joe to Renae laughed outright. He told her it looked good. I stared at her in disbelief for a couple of seconds and then laughed so goddamn hard I almost fell off my own flying carpet. Dude I said, tell Sheriff Joe that my dad wants to invite him for dinner. Anything he wants. Maybe hasenpfeffer. Renae promised to relay the message and I decided to park my carpet and wander over to King juans Castle to let him know we’d be having company for dinner. My beautiful and talented sister Princess Via had just come in from the days hunt and it was to be hasenpfeffer indeed.  Princess Via had a hatred of rabbits bordering on the pathological so we always ate well.  Except for the ones that stepped on the land mines.

We all had a great laugh and a great meal while Renae and I shared the days adventure.

There you have it children, todays rendition of Auntie Really Big Mean Dogs Bedtime Story.

Have a great night.
RBMD peacing the fuck out!!

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