Yeah, I know you can hear me bitch, you’re a psychic.
Hi everyone, it’s me Dean of Fuckery, Law Professor, Resident sarcasm expert and Queen of all I survey. We have had yet another contract dispute with my in house psychic; something about working conditions or some shit. Truthfully I just heard wah wah wah. Anyway, since she consulted a lawyer who informed her that a contract of indentured servitude is binding she better suck it up and write before I take away her TV time or something.
Check this out http://www.kimawhittemore.com/#!press/cnec it’s pretty cool that we are on an authors press site.
Oh, there seemed to be some confusion over the bad penny post, there was never a part two and I have no clue why the link wouldn’t work to the original. Seems to work now. Anyway without further interruption, the in house psychic brings you what Stabby really meant when she wrote that letter.
why do I always get stuck with the stabby shit? WHY? Why can’t I do a nice reading on Charles Manson or That dick that shot up the theatre. Do you hate me? FINE. Pass the Tylenol and the Pretoria puke bucket. You’re such a bitch. Yes I know you heard me I said it out loud.
Hi everyone! I hope things suck as hard for all of you as they do for me at the moment because if I’m suffering, you should all be suffering. I’m getting settled in, I’m already somebody’s prison bitch. That is just how hot I am. The day I arrived, people threw rotten food at me professionally and efficiently. Good aim too. I got a used tampon in the face. My mom said I look like a serial killer in my DOC photo which made me laugh because we all know I never got the chance to be a serial killer… unless you count the missing animals around the neighborhood. After my photo shoot for life without parole monthly I was taken to CDU (cootie Detention Unit) and placed on “watch” (suicide watch, that is because we all know I might try and papercut myself to death, if it didn’t sting so damn much). After a week, I was brought over to Lumley. I was totally put in Debbie’s old cell. . My cell is blue because they think it will remind me of Travis but because I am a heartless bitch of course it won’t. I have a grey desk and shelving, unfinished concrete floor. It stinks like urine and hopelessness. This place is teaming with little animals for me to kill if I can just get my hands on them. Lots of different birds and prairie dogs ( at least that’s what everyone calls them). They have dog in their name and remind me of doggie boy so I plan on kicking one every chance I get. I saw one take off w/a chunk of bologna the other day! (Yep, there is bologna here!) I also saw some officers with poisonous pellets they said were for the prairie dogs, but guess who is skipping dinner tonight just in case.
I won’t go on too much about the food. It’s pretty gross but not quite as gross as before. Everyone says how awful the food at MCSO is because it fucking is.
I’m currently segregated while they toss the prison daily for shanks. They are up to 987. Some of them even have my name on them. How freaking cool is that. I’m a rockstar. Still, I’ve seen many familiar faces since arriving which is kind of a problem since they cannot deal with my superiority. Having been at Estrella for 6.5 years, I’ve seen many people go before me. They told everyone I was coming and how superior my intellect is so you can just imagine the welcome I got.
I’ve gotten some interesting feedback on my sentencing, most of it saying things like die you sloppy cooched whore. Jokes on them since I got life. In here. The general consensus (that I’m getting) is that people think I am a sick bitch for saying what I said. Well fuck them. One girl said I have “lady balls” of course that was Donovan so I don’t know if that counts. One guy(my dad actually) said what I said was “way overboard”. Well Dad, you can suck it. I’m sure it made some of my friends uncomfortable, and maybe even disgusted some of you. Well that was absolutely my intention, so Yay me. I have to say, I only wish I would have said MORE , not less. I could have given everyone nightmares for the next 5 years and I’d be in your heads for ever. I’m already as famous as Charles Manson. I owe my life to #17 and I sure hope that check clears. She earned it.
I had only intended to apologize and declare my own commitment to pay restitution. (Even though I’m the one that thought 2nd degree and 10 years was fair for slaughtering Travis so it’s not my fault there were two trials. My statement was not an appeal for leniency it was a heartfelt fuck you. God himself could have parted the heavens and commanded the judge to be lenient because hey in my world that could totally happen – she would have disobeyed him because she saw through my bullshit, which in retrospect pisses me off. I put on such a good show, how the hell did that dumb bitch see through it. So, after two trials with a prosecutor that I like to call corrupt because it makes me feel better about my useless legal team, then having to listen to more lies and distortions and facts from the TA camp at sentencing – well, my high tolerance for B.S. from anyone that isn’t me had simply reached its maximum capacity. I consulted with my legal team; they told me to shut the fuck up and stick to the script.
If you wrote a letter to the judge asking if there was a way around a unanimous vote for death fuck you. I’m looking at you dad. It’s probably not something one does very often. The judge took 10 minutes to read, what, almost 1 letter – which doesn’t include the 75 feet or so of travel time from the bench to chambers and back. Thank you all so much for being the gullible bitches that you are. I’m really not worthy but since you cannot seem to figure that out I’m just going with it. Your money is precious to me so dig deep for that appellate fund, or Costa Rica fund if I happen to escape. Either/or.
this is the in house psychic signing out and plotting ways to get out of my contract. Excuse me I think I may have to throw up.
Ummm, thank you in house Psychic. So there you have it kids, the letter stabby was thinking while she wrote the other one.
Have a spectacular evening. RBMD peacing the fuck out!
EDIT: I would just be an ignorant person if I did not acknowledge the outpouring of love and support over the last couple of months. You have no idea how much your well wishes and thoughts and prayers meant to me. Thank you for the emails, the e-cards and for just letting me know I was in your thoughts. I am so happy to be back amongst the no kill shelter and writing again. Thank you all from the bottom of my cold dead heart. You all mean the world to me.