Hello everyone. Sorry you get me today. Seems that the boss broke out in a laughing fit over something on the internet this morning and hasn’t been able to stop. Anyway, since Stabby is going to die in prison I thought that it would be nice of me to save everyone some time and write her obituary for her. I hope she appreciates all this work. (No I don’t) I’m sure that Alfred E. will be more than happy with what I have come up with. Since I’m psychic I happen to know what is going to happen to Stabby, so um, spoilers ahead.
Stabby Anal Arias was found dead in her cell at Perryville Correctional Facility. It has been reported that she died of multiple shank wounds, syphilis, ingrown anal warts, a horrible foot fungus, 3rd degree burns, and apparently rabies from one of the prairie dogs she tried to kick in the head. A traffic cone and all 31 flavors of Baskin Robins ice-cream were removed during a preliminary cavity search. A post mortem will be performed as soon as a Hasmat team can be called in.
Stabby was a gifted tracer of actual artwork and a budding yogi who did headstands whenever possible. She dabbled in amateur porn work and stalking. Her ex-boyfriends all say that she tossed a hell of a salad and expressed their extreme sadness at her expiration date. Apparently Matt McCartney was closest and won the pool. She will also be remembered for possibly the sloppiest meat flaps on the planet as well as her affinity for pigtails and making up words that sounded Einstein-y.
There will be a memorial service held at Perryville where awards will be given out for the people that helped speed her demise. There will also be a memorial service held at the KY factory because they expect sales to drop dramatically now that their poster girl is dead.
Stabby is survived by a bunch of leeches who are as we speak fighting over the irrevocable trust and a group of inmates who are still high fiving each other that she is dead. Auntie Sue could not be reached for comment as she was out Lexus shopping. Stabby’s mother simply stated “meh, I’ve got a couple more.”
Stabby will be buried in the prisoners graveyard since nobody in the family felt that they could afford the cost of retrieving and burying the body. One of them commented “to let the state do it, what do we care.”
The family asks that in lieu of flowers you just send them cash.
This has been the in house Psychic. Have a great night.