Oh Look, I’m Still Here…

Hi everybody. Your Dean of Fuckery, Law Professor, Dr. of Doctoring, DVM, Sarcasm Expert and Queen of everything lives. I’m going to break my own rule just for tonight because I don’t want you all thinking I just said fuck it, I have better things to do then this. THIS is what I do. Without it, I am pretty much nothing. That being said, I have basically been in bed with the covers pulled up over my head since Bruno died was murdered, it just took the fucker 7 years to do it. I battle depression on top of PTSD, Agoraphobia, battered spouse syndrome et el. Depression I can deal with. I can recognize it, write till I make myself laugh and be done with it. Usually. Bruno’s death rocked my world like nothing has in a very long time. The last time the earth was moved out from under my feet this way was the day I could no longer deny that if I stayed I was going to end up just as dead as Bruno eventually did.

I thought I was okay. I really did. I cursed the sky, I cursed my ex, I started figuring out how I was going to keep the last promise I made my dog, and then I fucking lost it. I had what I can only describe as a slight breakdown. That I won’t get into the meat of, because I am just guessing since a nervous breakdown is something I have never had. The reasons for it I also will not share on here. There are a couple of people that I love, respect and trust that know because they asked me, and of course my mama cuz she is my mama, but it isn’t for the whole worlds consumption.

I bobbed like a waterlogged cork for a week, almost completely submerged, with just enough buoyancy to come up for air once in a while. I dragged my ass out of bed to look after my child and then right back to bed I went. 7 days, 10 days, and finally my child who I sometimes think is 35 told me to get my feeling sorry for myself ass moving and play with my puppies. And I did. And I discovered that while they are not Bruno, not by a longshot, there is enough Bruno in them that they could be what Bruno was never allowed to be. And the black dog faded into the fog over the next couple of days.

We were sans internet for a few days, but that has been sorted. And here I am.

My puppies, who I have renamed Starsky and Hutch because the other names sounded too pretentious for my sons liking, are doing wonderfully well. I have been trying to teach them all manner of things. Just to prove a point, because I never, EVER forget being maligned by anybody, the first thing I did was teach them to hold you down by your neck. My son has been my assistant. He lays on the floor and I have taught Hutch to lay his head across my child’s neck in order to receive a treat. It is not even a difficult trick, but “dogs, don’t do that” or so I have been told. I taught another dog that once a loooong time ago. They come to their names, they walk on and off leash and they sit, lay down and stay. They are 9 weeks old this week. I have been training my own dogs since I was 14, so I know what dogs can and can’t do. Starsky learned how to climb a vertical ladder all by himself. I ran into the garage due to the howling that assured me that somebody was in all kinds of trouble and he was on the third last rung on the ladder. He wasn’t so good at reverse however.

So, now that I am fairly confident I am fully out of the darkness the story will continue tomorrow with a couple of BIG surprises. Hope you have been taking notes.

Love to you all.
RBMD peacing the fuck out.


46 Responses to Oh Look, I’m Still Here…

  1. renaes24 says:

    Yeah! You’re back!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      YAY!! I’m back. How you doing Renae? Any better on any front? Email me if ya want.

      • renaes24 says:

        sent you a message on facebook

      • TrulyUSA says:

        Renae I hope you’re okay!!!!! I missed you too.

      • renaes24 says:

        I know I must belong in this pound because I am considering chewing off my own leg.
        I have to put up with this for about 90 more days and I don’t think I will make it.
        I eyeball balcony’s and wonder how long it hurts after being hit by a train.
        I am in utter agony, no longer able to stand long enough to make a PB&J sandwich or rinse out a glass.

      • TrulyUSA says:

        Oh no! Hang in there Renae, you’re a strong person — 90 days ain’t nothing as long a we have lived!

      • Twister says:

        Renae, sorry to hear that you are enduring such pain! May I ask what happened to your leg? Sending you hugs and healing!

      • renaes24 says:

        Twister: Honest answer: I have no idea what I did to it. I awoke one day in June with a nagging pain and by noon I was flat on my back.(As I told the doc: “sure we had sex the night before, but we didn’t use a trapeze or anything”). I have had XRays and all we know is that the knee is not broken….however, one of the lower bones that connects behind the knee MAY be split a bit……plus it seems one or two tendons that go behind the knee are stretched? or out of place? or possibly torn (though that is most unlikely as I would probably not be able to stand at all on it). With all the other metal in me, they cannot do MRI on me so I think they will have to go in ‘blind’ with ‘best guess’…..that is, when my Medicare comes thru (Jan).

      • Twister says:

        OMG! Sudden onset, since June? As a nurse, the not knowing must drive you nuts. Take faith that Medicare (and a supplemental) will give you more diagnostic and healing options – paid for. January is a ways off though. Glad you’re here in the shelter! Double hugs!

      • TrulyUSA says:

        Oh wow, Renae, how strange. My husband is an MRI tech so I know you can’t scan with anything metal in you. I’m so sorry, I’m hoping for the best outcome for you. I assume you have the best knee specialist? Where I live, we have a large college with an outstanding sports program. My husband always goes to the doctor in charge of the athletes there because they work on so many injuries. He literally did a miraculous job on my husband’s shoulder, even the doc said the outcome was miracle. I’m going to pray you find the best specialist out there!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Renae: just as an aside, I have enough spare parts to build a small Toyota. Pins, plates, the tip of a knife, plus plastic. Most of the metal is in my lower extremities though. Except for my left elbow. They make you fill out that questionnaire thingy asking if you have metal in you and I said yup all kinds, titanium and surgical metal and they were gonna do an mri anyway because the tech said it isn’t magnetic. I said I would pass thanks since I really don’t need my metal parts ripping through my skin but is that true? Is titanium and surgical steel not magnetic? Steel makes me think it is definitely magnetic. Do they demagnatize it? This was at Hagarsville hospital btw in case anyone ever ends up there and I’m curious as to whether that is true?

      • Twister says:

        If you would mash us all together, we just might have one fully functioning person.

      • renaes24 says:

        Now that it an idea! I wonder what would turn out?

      • renaes24 says:

        For some reason, you can get away with titanium……but I don’t think you can with surgical steel…… least, I wouldn’t try it

      • reallybigmeandog says:

        Optimus Prime!

      • renaes24 says:

        Having an MRI, it doesn’t matter WHERE the metal is in you body.
        Where it is only dictates WHERE it will pull thru the skin and what is the first of your body parts to be attached to the machine. Eventually, all of you will be attached…….plus you will screw up the machine royally and I would imaging most hospitals would try and bill your estate for it.

  2. Welcome back, lovely Kelly. Your puppies sound like good learners, and they have the right mama to teach them their manners along with all sorts of near t things. Love that son and your furbabies to the max. They will keep you moving forward.

  3. spellbound4 says:

    Welcome back, lovely Kelly! Your pups sound like good learners (good names, too!). Love that boy of yours and the furbabies to the max. They will keep you anchored.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Thanks Spellbound. I think my pups may be artificial intelligence sent by skynet to take over the world. What kind of a retarded puppy decides to climb a ladder because it is there?

  4. mamavia2 says:

    It’s a damn good thing that you reported in…cuz I was getting ready to call the RCMP to go looking for you! In actuality…I KNEW my GS would call me if it was UGLY…so, I knew in my heart what was going on…just trying not to jinx it by saying so. For some strange reason, I couldnot post a note on the blog.

    My back surgeries were ok, I think…it will take a few months to know the end result, and, if what the doc did, actually worked…keep fingers crossed. Also, doctor added DUAVEE to my RX program…for the severe hot flashes I’m suffering thru…on the list of cautions “PROBABLY CAUSES DEMENTIA”…the way I figure it, I don’t give a flying fuck if I get dementia…cuz I certainly won’t FUKKIN KNOW it, now will I? That is up to papa to deal with…(or whoever wants to inherit papa’s estate! So there!) (actually, I’m relishing the thought of my snobby, hateful, debutante step-daughters having to change my drawers several times a day, and sucking up to me the way they sucked up to Granny…just so they can put their grubby hands on papa’s $$$!!!)

    Tell my GS that he said the same thing Gramma would have said! I DO LOVE that man-child! Good for him!

    Papa had a MOHs (I THINK that’s how it’s spelled) procedure on his arm…right now, he looks like Son of Frankenstein…he has a five inch cut on his arm that they had to cut away the skin cancer…this is either his 4th or 5th MOHs…he seems to get one every year…on the top of his head, on his forehead, on his shin, on his arm…last year, at Halloween, we dressed up all his scars with the “Hollywood Fright Putty”…added an eye patch, an earring and “bubba teeth” and sent him to work….poor papa….I. Coulda told him that playing tennis every weekend was bad for him! Good thing. Mama wasted her youth getting a “bar tan”….I’ve never been a fan of sweating…so I was never out at the beach, on the tennis court…(please, God, let mama go to air conditioned heaven…cuz, frankly…I couldnt stand the heat in hell…or in Arizona, either!)

    Speaking of Arizona…..our Princess & crew have been quiet…and I STILL haven’t seen the arrest of MDLR…gee….do you suppose that the not.a.journalist wrote an article that was W.R.O.N.G.? In a court of law, the judge always says that “if you find the witness is lying about one thing, you can discount EVERY thing they EVER said…” So much for “journalistic integrity”! Maybe she went to the Discount School of Journalism…taught by Geraldo…..

    Love to everyone!

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Mama. I’ve missed you and wished about ten thousand times you were here to let me lay my head in your lap so you could tell me that this too would pass. Have you ever been threatened by a 14 year old. Wanna know what the threat was? Of course you do. Here it is, not exactly verbatim but close enough. Mommy, if you don’t get your feeling sorry for yourself ass moving I’m going to call Gramma. Do you want me to call Gramma mommy? Because Gramma will get on a plane, come here and drag your butt out of that fort you have constructed on your bed and shake you till you come out of it. Think she won’t. I’ll call her right now. I checked the planes schedules (He actually did, he showed me) and GRAMMA CAN BE HERE BY TOMORROW AT 3:45 PM. Now, that gave me the first laugh I have had in a month and the fact that he would have done it, that he was that frustrated with my depression said everything I needed to hear.

      I have been thinking about you, even though I have been a very shitty daughter about broadcasting that. I’ve been worried and hoping like hell everything went okay. You are as tough as me x 10 so I expect you will be fine. I hope your DH is also okay. How’s my bruddah? And more importantly how is boodreaux?(sic) Your last paragraph made me put a lucky charm through my nose (the cereal, not like a rabbits foot) DOUBLE points since it was a solid object. Love you a ton

      • mamavia2 says:

        Hahaha!!! I KNOW my GS did THAT !!! And he was RIGHT AS RAIN!!! Now, get that brain a workin…cuz you got a story to write…get my bud, Lady Astrid off the hot plate…even Renae thinks Lady A is guiltier than SIN!!!

        Yea for fruit loop thru the nose!!

      • TrulyUSA says:

        Fruit Loop!! Hahahaha — how appropriate!

    • renaes24 says:

      Oh Heavens! The ‘Princess of the PTA” be W.R.O.N.G.? Say it ain’t so! That ‘SAGE/SEER’ of Niagara on the Lake could NEVER be W.R.O.N.G.!
      Next you will tell me she is W.R.O.N.G. when she claims she is still a young virgin!

      • TrulyUSA says:

        Hahaha – you made me laugh Renae! I bet she wishes she were not TIED for eternity by the internet for that GIANT LIE she told — or the LIES she told BEFORE that one! Her credibility is as far behind her as her virginity!

  5. Twister says:

    YEA for Kelly! Yea for her son! Yea for Mama! Yea for puppies!

    • mamavia2 says:

      YEA FOR EVER-body!!!!

      • Gwen Bazzrea says:

        Aren’t you raising a son? “Because it’s there” is the reason mine do 50% of their shenanigans. (The other half is “because it feels good!). At 8 & 18, their shenanigans are usually different, but always entertaining.

        Sorry the big, fat, smelly dog won’t leave you alone. He’s been lurking around me for a good 15 years. I agree with your amazing assistant- puppies (and kids) can help you chase the dog away. It takes time and a wicked sense of humor.

        Peace, love, puppy belly snuggles, and all that mushy stuff-
        LYLAS, Gwen, a.k.a. Bazzethound

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Hiya twister. Absolutely YAY for puppies. And a son that needs his mom and a mama that WOULD have got on a plane if GS number 1 had called her.

  6. mamavia2 says:

    I LOVE to sing…I sing all the time…(if you know who Mrs. Hyacinth Bucket “boo-kay” is, you know just how well I sing…I’m a legend in my own mind!). Well…dear papa, sick of a) my singing and b) laying on the sofa…bought me a Native American Flute (cuz I can’t lay down and play it, I gotta sit UP…AND I can’t sing if there’s a flute in my mouth!) (now, no dirty thoughts here!)

    So, I’ve been tootin my flute for a week now…no, I can’t read music…but I can fake it really good…(hey, I taught myself the guitar when I was 14!) anyways…I’ve been a tootin…and when my Baby Boy came to visit yesterday, I played for him…and he seemed to like it…(DIDNT tell me to shut-the-fuck-up!). Well, he said I done good for only playing a week! So, anyways….papa hinted that he would get me a better flute for Christmas!

    Music soothes the savage breast!

    It’s pretty easy to play…one of those things that you are always learning something new, it never gets old…

    The DUAVEE is working, I think…only two hot flashes last night! Yeah!!!!

    • TrulyUSA says:

      Mama! I didn’t know you were having surgery. I sure hope you’re okay. Back surgery is scary and painful. Guess what? I have TWO native American flutes that were made by hand, one by a Sioux and one by an Osage indian. One is made of walnut and one is made of cedar, and they both have their own unique sounds. I LOVE playing them and their hauntingmusic — if I get up early enough I play at sunrise because it feels so spiritual and gets my day started so peacefully. I hope you’ll keep playing it! If you want to hear a master, google John Two Hawks from Eureka Springs, Arkansas. OMG he is the best ever and I’ve seen him live in concert and it is awesome. He has great CDs for sale too — betcha didn’t know there’s a whole genre of Native American musicians who have their own awards they give out. I love that earthy stuff! Hope you heal rapidly!

  7. TrulyUSA says:

    Hooray! Kelly is back! Kelly I knew you were licking your wounds so I left you alone, almost. I was just about to starting peppering you and Mama with emails with WTF where the F are U? But I was patient and here you both are! Hooray again! I’m so happy to see you writing, Kelly. I really miss you when you go quiet but I know you needed the down time. Your puppies sound so cool! I want one so bad but I can’t afford to go get one, I’m stuck trying to figure it out. I hope you find the best homes for them. They will be legendary!!! Just like Bruno. Love you Kelly!

  8. reallybigmeandog says:

    Hai Truly. Yup, licking my wounds is an excellent analogy. My puppies are very cool and so full of the joy of being alive. Everything is new, everything needs to be explored, everything might be a toy, or a new friend, or something to eat. Puppies are awesome. Love you back

  9. Gwen Bazzrea says:

    Aren’t you raising a son? “Because it’s there” is the reason mine do 50% of their shenanigans. (The other half is “because it feels good!). At 8 & 18, their shenanigans are usually different, but always entertaining.

    Sorry the big, fat, smelly dog won’t leave you alone. He’s been lurking around me for a good 15 years. I agree with your amazing assistant- puppies (and kids) can help you chase the dog away. It takes time and a wicked sense of humor.

    Peace, love, puppy belly snuggles, and all that mushy stuff-
    LYLAS, Gwen, a.k.a. Bazzethound

    • mamavia2 says:

      One of my earliest memories is that of staring at the water in the toilet and wondering how long it would take for me to drown…I was almost SIX years old…so…I have been fighting “the big black dog” for over 55 years. There is absolutely nothing right about a six year old contemplating suicide.

      When I was 6, my dad had married the RedHeaded Woman, he removed my sister and me from my Gramma’s care (the only “mom” I had ever known)….and then promptly got on his ship and went to Vietnam. My stepmother was beating me…and my older step brother was molesting me and telling me that no one really wanted me (and other horrible things)….the school counselor told my stepmother that I needed to see a child psychologist…(I don’t remember why)…but I remember going…I remember being so frightened…I also remember that the doctor told me to “draw a picture of home”….so, to “make him (the doctor) happy”, I drew a picture he would think was “pretty”…a picture of the house I WISHED I had…and I pretended to him that the picture was REAL…(cuz I guessed that if HE wasn’t happy, he would tell my stepmother…and she would “get rid of me” just like my stepbrother warned me would happen if I didn’t do all those naughty things he made me do…)

      I drew a house with window boxes full of red tulips (we lived in a trailer) (and had no flowers!) and all my stick figures were smiling….the doctor said “she’s a normal little girl”…and the RedHeaded Woman didn’t drive off and leave me and my sister somewheres…somehow….being left by the side of the road to starve was worse than drowning in the toilet…

      Sometimes….I have to do what no one else did back then…I have to find a way to wrap my arms around that frightened, lonely, sad little girl within me…and tell her “it’s okay”…tell her that no one can hert her anymore…no one will abandon her again…and she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do…

      I think all of us (at times) need to allow ourselves some time to nurture that hurt little girl within us…and that’s okay…there’s nothing wrong with that…as long as it’s done in MODERATION…you CANNOT allow yourselves to WALLOW in the hurt from the past. You cannot CHANGE what you endured…you can only work on the future, dear sisters…

      Do NOT allow the big ugly black dog to steal TODAY from you. You are stronger than you think you are…you have gifts and talents that you are afraid to claim, but which are rightfully YOURS! Do NOT allow the ghosts of the past own more than they already have stolen from you…it is bad enough that you have that memory, that hurt packed in your baggage. Go ahead, take the memory out, give it some air and shake the wrinkles out…but don’t sit there and play with it…fold it back up, put it back in the suitcase…and put the baggage back Into the garage and try to ignore the fucker…that memory stole one of your yesterdays…don’t let it have one of your todays too!

      As I would have told Kelly…ok…you’ve pouted enough…get up out of that bed, put the covers aside, put on your big girl panties, and “go do that voodoo that you do so well”….

      When the big black dog has his teeth latched on to the seat of your pants…I understand…it’s hard to make him let go…but you have to undo the zipper and slip out of that pair…and run your bare ass back home and find a different pair of pants!

      Don’t let him have another day!

      Then,…give that Little Girl another hug….and go make a beautiful “today” memory…the big black dog doesn’t want you to know that you have more power than he does…

      I’m sending you strength and loving vibrations….

  10. Lacey says:

    So glad to see you back..I have been worried about you ♥

  11. Connie Rust says:

    Hello there! I know I have been very vocal lately but just wanted to tell u how sorry I am for your loss. I know only too well that dark place! I’m glad you are back. Hang in there my friend.

    Oscar and Willie send sloppy kisses…..

    Connie Sent from my iPad


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