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Depression Is Fucking Depressing

Hi everybody.  Since by now some of you probably think I died, I thought | better drag my ass over to the computer and write something.

I have not been writing simply because right now I’m not funny, not “up”, not amusing.  I have had a major setback mentally which I won’t get into other than to say it happened and I am trying with the help of my invisible psychiatrist to deal with it.

I truly feel totally alone right now and sometimes fervently desire to go to sleep and not wake up.  And then I think of my son and my dogs and decide that is really a shitty thing to think and then I feel guilty for having such a selfish thought.

I also feel like I have somehow let the lot of you down as well as myself even though I cannot help the way I feel.  I just do not feel anything but all encompassing blackness right now.

I am working on it, and I will be back as soon as I am able to be my affable self again.  I’m so sorry for any emails I have not returned or thank you not given.   I just don’t have the energy, I can’t concentrate and I sleep while bug is at school.

I’d say I’m not having a pity party, but I suppose I kind of am so there is that.  Hopefully the meds start to work soon and I will be back.

I miss you all, but I am no good to anyone at the moment.

RBMD

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16 Responses to Depression Is Fucking Depressing

  1. Linda Brunetto says:

    You have not let anyone down, take some “me” time and be well.

  2. sandymetter says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you❤️

    Sandy

  3. Donna says:

    I agree with Linda^! Kelly, please take care of yourself because YOU are loved and needed. You are right though…depression IS depressing, but you must fight this battle and win it! You got this girl!

    Stay strong friend.

  4. Debbie Young says:

    Just take care of YOU!!!!!!!

  5. spellbound4 says:

    Kelly, don’t ever feel like you are letting us down. It is wonderful you shared with us, but we are here firstly because we care a lot about you!! You are not being selfish, in any way, to put your own health first. It is quite likely many of us have felt much the same way you are right now …. somehow, someway we made it through and are here to hold you up when you need us.

    Should you feel like coming here to vent, cry, share, or just say “grrrrr” …. we will be here waiting for you. And when you are away, we will be sending hugs, good vibes, lots of love and all the best.

    Be well, luv. That is what is important now. (knowing my kids and dogs needed me was what got me through a very deep low point once. I so understand your comment above … but thinking of them WILL help you)

    Wrapping my arms around you with the softest hug possible
    (((((Kelly))))). You are loved, admired, and wanted. (not in a criminal way, giggle)

  6. lauriea2015 says:

    HUGS!! That is all!!

    Laurie A. Atkisson

    McClain, Crouse & Co., P.S.

    227 West Eighth Street

    Port Angeles, WA 98362

    Ph: (360) 457-3303

    Fx: (360) 457-7415

    lauriea@olypen.com

  7. mags says:

    Miss you

  8. lacey leonard says:

    Oh girl, been there a few times myself..We all love you & want the best for you ♥

  9. Plain Jane says:

    This is the first time I have ever left a comment.
    I want to say to stay strong😮 we love your blog❤️And we miss you💋 we hope you come back to us very soon 🙏

  10. TrulyUSA says:

    Kelly, take care my friend. I just want you to know you are loved.

  11. Twister says:

    Kelly girl, so glad you checked in, I’ve been very concerned! Oh that blackness, damn that blackness where everything is an assault the senses, when just breathing is an accomplishment. The light of one small candle can pierce the darkness. Here’s a candle for you my friend. ❇

  12. Mama Via says:

    I understand, Kelly…and everyone else here…we remain “family” because we have endured similar situations–here is part of mine…

    I became disabled (65%) the first time in 1997…almost 20 years ago…I fought my way back to the living…slowly…and became disabled AGAIN with a DIFFERENT issue (85%)…I argued till I was blue in the face “how can I be 150% disabled, and not be “totally disabled?”…about the same time…I developed sciatica, and couldn’t even walk down the stairs to go buy milk…let alone go to WORK…and they FINALLY said that I WAS “totally disabled” and allowed me my Medicare and social security…

    I would MUCH RATHER be HEALTHY…and NOT have all the pain in my hands and arms from bilateral carpal tunnel…I would much rather NOT have arthritis in every fukkin joint,,,,I’d much rather not have degenerative spine disease eating its way thru every disk in my back, I’d much rather not fight fukkin fibromyalgia every fuckkin day…and I’d just rather like for this fuckkin big black dog of debilitating depression pack his little fukkin doggy bag and go back from whence he fuckkin came…but, it does, it is, it really does, I do and that fuckkin dog has been tracking me since I was 5 years old…only taking time to occasionally swap places with The Joker, which are the manic (and sick) episodes I must endure (that make me feel and act like I live on heavy drugs like heroin..my brain chemicals send me on a thrill ride of feeling like awonderWoman-I’m more powerful and intelligent than any fukkin body!!! BUT…then I experience the inevitable crash and go to the darkest depths of depression…it is more than just “being sad” or “feeling worthless”…it’s waking up every morning, wanting to commit suicide…the pains in my body are minuscule compared to the pains brought about my defective brain…(and as much as I LOVE my manic state, I know I must avoid it…not because the mania feels so good, so powerful…but because the resulting depression is so debilitating…I know the next bi-polar depression could easily end my life IF I allow the pendulum of bipolar to bounce up to 90 degrees…every “high” will eventually reverse, and drop me down into hell…..I’m just trying to avoid that, at all costs…

    Having roamed Dante’s Inferno myself…I try not to measure anyone else’s struggles…I understand the difficulty of just trying to wake up enough to get out of bed and get to an appointment with my doctor…I have trouble just getting out of the house to get the gallon of milk I desperately need……I cannot measure anyone’s pain, their struggle…I can’t force anyone, no matter how much love and respect we hold for one another, out of the Big Black Hole, if a person isnt ready to come out, no amount of demanding or cajoling will work and no one can help pull me out of mine, either!

    I’m thankful that kelly has her son,,,and that I have my DH, who TRIES to keep me out of the hole…yes, I know how frustrating it can be for my friends,,,some have thought that I “didn’t care” about them…or that I “was mad”…I was neither…I just needed to inhabit my hole till I felt better…honestly, I’ve been on the edge of the hole longer than I’d like to admit! But, I TRY to fight every day…to not fall in…and some days I just flat out fail…and I sleep the day away…

    I understand “the ugly”…and, because I’ve “been there, done that and bought the ree shirt…when someone I care about comes out of the hole…out of seclusion…my friendship hasn’t disappeared…I can’t turn off/on my love like a water faucet! I hope that my “true friends” understand that part of me…

    Well, of COURSE I wish that I didn’t have to endure these cycles..and god knows I’ve tried every med in the world to stop the cycles…

    I told my DH just a few nights ago, that there is nothing I would change about him…and, it is true…he isn’t perfect…but he is pretty close…we are all a delicate balance…we have our talents…I will never be nominated as Suzy Homemaker, 2016….(but, then again, I will bet that Suzy Homemaker can’t design a lighting diagram for new residential construction….so THERE!!)

    Depression is nothing more than “anger turned inward”…mix in a little bit of self esteem issues, several months of cold weather, or months of debilitating pain…. Sigh…

    I understand, I do…cuz I’ve been fighting to not fall into the hold deeper than I already have…I’m sorry that kelly and I were both “in the hole” at the same time….I will try to drag myself out soon too…each of you is very important to me…the friendship we share is one if my most precious gifts,,,

    I’m working on a rant…so I will be writing soon…

  13. Caryl Filanda says:

    Praying for you Kell! So sorry you’re going through all this. I know it sucks because I’ve been fighting depression and on top of that, drug addiction. I’ve enjoyed your blog for a while now. I always lift my crappy mood, thank you for that. Please feel better soon. Always rooting for you.

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