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How Does A Country Feel When It Is Grabbed By The Pussy?

December 29, 2016

Hello subjects. Tis your intrepid leader, dean of fuckery, law professor, doctor of doctoring, honorary DVM, puppy resuscitation expert, dog lactation expert, horse whisperer, owner of contract of indentured servitude, and her most royal highness and queen of all I survey.

This little ditty is translated to Flower of Carnage.  It is in Japanese but it is beautiful and haunting and just perfect I think.

2016 has been one for the books hasn’t it. Likely the last one of any book ever since it’s the beginning of the end of the world. We are all invited to Renae’S house to watch the nuclear launches by the way. BYOB. or BYOW. Or BYOBAW. Fuck it, I say we all bring our meds and just throw em all in a big bowl.

I was finally able to move 1984 by George Orwell to the non fiction section of my personal library so that is now off of my bucket list. Actually the 0range horseman of the apocalypse had made me speed up my bucket list exponentially. All I have left are a Mexican standoff with actual Mexicans, bear fight using only a buck knife, having a heart to heart with Kanye West and making him understand what an insufferable douchebag he really is, shooting a Kardashian in the ass just to see if it deflates, and riding in one last horseshow. Obviously I just added the horseshow one since I only just discovered I can still ride. I think probably they are all doable except for the very last one. I don’t think I have the confidence to ride in a show ever again, I’d probably freak the fuck out or be so tense the horse would sense it and I’d ruin the experience for my show partner.

Then there is my private locked behind two safe doors written in coded invisible ink bucket list. It only has four things on it and when the day comes(and it will) that we find out the world is going to be blown up within the next twelve hours I’m going to check off everyone of them…well depending on traffic. At least three of them.

I’m so convinced that Trump marks the beginning of the end of world that I have even drawn up emancipation papers for the in house psychic. Hell she may as well enjoy a couple of hours of freedom or whatever we are living under is supposed to be.

So, let us recap 2016 shall we. The abridged version or else we will be here until Trump fires the first warhead.

Let us start with the fucking English since as a Scot it is my duty to hate them and David Cameron. The Panama Papers (just in case anyone forgot about them) said that the then Prime Minister of the fucking United Kingdom had coin in a secret offshore investment fund. He also porked a pig head in college. Then he called for a Brexit referendum which backfired horribly. He resigned in shame.

Drunk and from the shallow end of the gene pool Americans. Before you all collectively go wait, what? please recall the Port Huron Float Down. 1500 of your best and brightest (omg I can’t believe I typed that without smacking my head off of the keyboard) decided that a bunch of inner tubes and a fuckton of alcohol was a great idea. They did manage to close down the shipping corridors of a great lake and produced a $280 000 deficit for your country to save everybody who accidentally floated into Canada. Ha, accident my ass, you were all trying to get away from Trump even then weren’t you?

Clowns that all look like ax murderers. Whatever the fuck this little phenomenon is about, knock it the fuck off 2016.

Then of course we have the Syrian refugee crisis. Apparently Syrians have a one in ten chance of being dead at any given moment during this shit show of complete fuckery.

Polio and Small pox came back. Yay. Anti-vaxers are assholes.

Putin and Trump declared their love for each other and passionately made love on the white house lawn. Okay that last part hasn’t happened yet but the rest is pretty much what happened. Just so we are clear, Russia bad. Putin bad.

The totally not honorable Robin Camp. This actually started in 2014 but since we all heard about it this year I’m counting it. This fuckwad is the judge who asked a rape victim why she hadn’t kept her legs closed among other questions that should have just made his head explode due to misogyny overload. Instead he let the rapist off with a wrist slap and had to apologise to the victim which I am sure made it all better. I suggest any judge that hears rape cases needs to wear a shock collar, like a bear shock collar and every time they say something stupid it needs to go the fuck off. And this guy needs to be disbarred and defrocked or whatever you do to a judge.

There were also all the deaths. All sad, some devastatingly so.
Zsa Zsa Gabor, actress, socialite, she was about a billion and six so no surprise really
Craig Sagar. NBA sideline reporter who dressed like a pimp on slap a ho day.
Bernhard Fox. Best known as Doctor Bombay from bewitched.
Alan Thicke. Canadian actor/douchebag. Best known for growing pains. The show not the actual thing.
John Glen. If you don’t know who that is, A)shame on you B)you aren’t a Russian spy or anything right? C)Shame on you.
Florence Henderson. Actress best known as the best mom on earth due to her turn on Brady Bunch.
Ron Glass– Actor. Best known for his roles in Barney Miller and Firefly
Leon Russell. Legendary singer/songwriter/studio musician. Collaborated with the beach boys, rolling stones, and Elton john to name just a few.
Arnold Palmer. Legendary pro golfer. He won four masters and is inducted in the golf hall of fame. Yes, there is a golf hall of fame. No, I don’t know why.
Jose Fernandez. Pitcher Miami Marlins. Really fucked up boat accident.
Gene Wilder. Actor. Best known for Willy Wonka, Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles. He is associated with some of the funniest movies of the 70’s.
Steven Hill– Actor who will forever be remembered as Adam Schiff from Law and Order.
Kenny Baker-Actor/droid. Yes people, R2D2 is dead.
Garry Marshall. Producer/director/legend/penny marshall’s dad. Created Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley and directed Pretty Woman.
Michael Cimino– Acadamy award winning director- The Deer Hunter.
Ryan Jimmo. MMA fighter. 19 wins and 5 losses during his career…and I guess one death.
Bernie Worrell. Keyboardist. Founding member of funk band Parliament Funkadelic
Anton Yelchin– Actor. Best known for being a very badassed Pavel Chekov in Star Trek All The Old People Got Replaced.
Cassius Clay…Okay I’m just fucking with you although you should all know who that is. Muhammad Ali. Best boxer ever.
Gordie Howe. Hockey Player. Played 26 seasons in the NHL and made the all star team in 23 of them.
Morley Safer. Reporter. Worked on 60 minutes for 46 years. Back before you were allowed to write whatever you wanted and pass it off as truth when it is actually just clickbait.
Gary Shandling. Comedian.
George Kennedy. Actor. Best known for his Oscar winning turn in Cool Hand Luke.
Vanity. Singer. Fronted Vanity six a collaboration with Prince
Abe Vigoda. Actor. Loved for his portrayal of Detective Fish on Barney Miller and also played Tessio in the godfather.

Now things are going to get much more painful.

Prince. musician/artist/singer/otherworldly being. Legend in his own time. Spectacular human being who had everything and died of an opiod overdose which is so heartbreakingly sad.
Merle Haggard. Country Legend. Inductee into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
Joseph Medicine Crow. War Chief. Medicine Crow was the last surviving war chief of Montana’s Crow Tribe. Lectured extensively on the battle of Little Bighorn.
Nancy Reagan. Actress, first lady of California and then the United States. Married to Ronald Reagan.
Maurice White. Musician. Founder of Earth Wind and Fire. Nominated for 21 grammy’s. Won seven. Inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Glenn Frey. Musician. Founding member of and guitarist for the Eagles. Sang lead on several songs. So even with global warming it is doubtful hell will be freezing over again anytime soon.
Dan Haggerty-actor. Best known for Grizzly Adams. I can’t believe Grizzly Adams fucking died.
Alan Rickman. Wizard. For this one alone 2016 should be drawn and quartered. Severus Snape will forever be remembered by any Harry Potter fan or anyone who knows any Harry Potter fan. Yeah he did a bunch of other stuff, but really after Severus Snape nobody cares.
David Bowie. Alien rock god chameleon. My heart hurts just typing that David Bowie is dead. He died like he lived, with as little fanfare as he could muster.
Leonard Cohen. Hallelujah. Nothing else needs to be said.
Dale Buffin Griffin. Drummer and founding member of Mott the Hoople.
George Michael. Singer. Hi boyfriend went to wake him up but he was gone, gone.
Lemmy Killmister. Singer/founder Moterhead and general badass. The Ace of Spades will forever be one of my favorite 20 songs of all time.
Carrie Fisher. Princess- The disturbance in the force is great right now.
Debbie Reynolds. Mother of carrie fisher. Died of a stroke brought on by a broken heart.

There are of course many more that are not on this list because I am just tired of writing about the death of my youth. So, moving on.

Please ponder this.  We lost all of these wonderful talented people this year and yet Trump, the Kardashians and Kanye are still alive.  What in the actual fuck is going on here?

2016 also brought us Zika, no doubt invented by some drug company that will cure it for a thousand dollars a pill in the near future. Then there were the natural disasters; Hurricane Matthew, The California Wildfires, The Jerusalem Wildfires, The Italian Earthquake, The Alberta Wildfire, Flooding in Peshawar Pakistan, The Taiwan Earthquake, Rainfall induced heavy flooding in France, Flooding in Louisiana, magnitude 7 earthquake in India, flooded everything in Xianogan China, Typhoon Nepartak fujian province, china.

We also had an unuasually high amount of unatural disasters. (not Trump, I’ll get to him in a minute) Mass shootings, a crazed knife wielding fuckwad, bombings, a neverending war in Syria, a bunch of beheaded people because religion is such a peaceful loving thing, drug cartels still going at it (fucking Juarez might as well be iraq) and some crazy president (no not yours) decided to take the war on drugs to a whole nother level and started dropping suspected dealers out of helicopters.

Still think there is hope for humanity? You won’t soon. Next up we have the millenials. The generation that thinks that everone gets a medal for participating and that keeping score is just mean and they need trigger warnings and safe places in school. BARF. They also expect to do as little work as possible and then land themselves a 80000 a year job and get promoted every two years because you don’t have to be a winner to win anymore. Trophies for everyone. Woohoo, look what people have created.

Now lets get to the orange cherry on the top of the shit sundae that is 2016. Donald Jesus Fucking Christ how did this happen Trump. My best hypothesis thus far is that some kind of hallucinogenic gas was released over all the polling stations.

I knew, I expect everyone did that racism, misogyny, xenophobia and theolism existed. But my fucking god, now it’s okay to just do and say whatever you want to whoever you want? That was rhetorical because it fucking isn’t!   Go on You tube for an hour and see if you can make it without throwing up. I watched some grizzled old broad flip the fuck out because two women were in line speaking Spanish. She started with the fact that they didn’t speak American, whatever the fuck that is.  I thought you all spoke English. The did by the way speak English, but since it is a second language Spanish was easier for them.  Next, the mean and very vocal old buzzard moved on  to the fact that THEY are stealing your jobs, asked to see their green cards, and told the whole store they were probably on welfare and living off of all of you. So are they stealing jobs or living on welfare. Probably both right because that is just how those people are. It makes me fucking sick and ashamed for you. Every Muslim is suddenly a terrorist, every Sikh is suddenly a  Muslim, every African American is a beast just waiting to explode and rape and kill all you poor helpless white folks.  Mexicans are just flat out bad hombres and it is now once again okay to make fun of the differently abled, fat people, women, and I have seen the word Faggot thrown around so much lately it is giving me a fucking headache.

Just for a little more proof that you all just elected Satan rolled in cheeto dust, the white supremisist groups are already up in arms and ready to flip the fuck out if Donald Duck doesn’t keep his campaign promises. He is really doing a stellar job thus far. Drain the swamp. pffffft. All he did was add aligators and pythons.

I have 3 spare bedrooms at my house, 4 if somebody wants to convert the basement, first come first serve because you all are headed for a civil war unless of course he just blows the planet the fuck up. He can’t take twitter criticism, what is he going to do when a country says mine is bigger than yours. He’s goimg to launch, and then he is going to go hide in his lead lined bunker till the radiation goes to an acceptable level and then he can emerge as king of the fucking world because he will be all that is left. Actually Keith Richards, Ozzy Osborne and myself will probably also still be alive. I figture Keith can get him to overdose in under three hours. If not, Ozzy can probably scare the old fucker into a heart attack so that makes me once again Queen of all I survey.

That’s it for tonight

RBMD peacing the fuck out.

 

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The State Of The Shelter Address.

December 24, 2016

Hello everyone. It is me, your dean of fuckery, Dr. of Doctoring, dog lactation expert, honorary DVM, newborn puppy resuscitation expert, horse whisperer (we will get to that) and Queen of all I survey.

I thought since it has been a while I would break my own rule and let you all know what has been going on with me in the great not so white north.

This has been a particularly bad year for me pain wise but it has also been the year of behold all the fucks I have to give. I decided that I am no longer being ruled by how much pain I am physically in. Just no longer going to happen. I decided that if I let physical pain dictate whether or not I am going to be able to do things, I might as well just as well ask to be put out of my misery now. Actually, funny story, I did but not for the physical pain reasons and my doctors all said they were conscientious objectors to assisted dying. Does anyone besides me find that strange.

Mentally, I think I am getting better. At least the blackness no longer lasts as long and I have been able to go out where there are people a bit more. I’ve had panic attacks a half dozen times. I had a very, very bad couple of days last week but again, behold all the fucks I have to give because eventually they went away and I came back out the other side.

I have started horse therapy. I used to be quite the equestrian. A million or so years ago. My invisible psychiatrist thought it was a wonderful idea and supports me whole heartedly. Mostly I am mucking stalls and washing horses. Since my Orthopod said riding ever again in this lifetime or any other was not going to be possible I was content with just being around them. Until I wasn’t. I just got it into my head one day that doctors can be wrong and next thing I knew I was cantering a big old mare named star around the arena. I felt like Leonardo Dicaprio on the front of the titanic yelling about being the king of the world. I rode for about 20 minutes or so and was on cloud nine for days. The owners have been very kind and allow me at the barn whenever I want. They don’t care if I want to roll up there at midnight if that is when I need to hang with the horses for a while. They have caught me with my head buried in a horses neck bawling my face off because I needed to do that and have been so kind about it all. Such nice people. Of course, I guess they get something out of it too. The horses help me, and I help the horses which helps them. Mrs. horse farm owner has offered to talk if I ever need to, yet understood that maybe me crying on a horse was better for me than all the talking in the world. They have even offered me a yearling and said they would allow me to make affordable payments on it if I wanted. I do, but I could never afford it and why do I need my own horse when I have a whole barn full of them at my disposal. I have stayed away from horses because I thought it would hurt me to much to be around them. I was so very wrong. Wrong on a magnificent scale.

My invisible Caucasian Shepherd is going to be the biggest dog I have ever had by far. He is now 14 weeks old and is as big as Starsky. I think he may have been exposed to radiation or something. I would not even be remotely surprised if he sprouted wings. I will repost the invisible picture in case you missed it.

My son turned 16 yesterday. He has already picked out the college he will be attending, continues to work hard at school and he makes me proud every day.

I have developed some very serious tendonitis in my elbows, or maybe they are finally just disintegrating. Whichever. I’ll find out in January. My invisible orthopod keeps bugging about replacing the knees, but I’ve been there and done that and have an awesome video so I’m good. I’ll put up with the pain like I said until I no longer can. I realize I sound flippant and I probably shouldn’t because that day is coming fast, but there are so many people in the world that are in such worse shape than me, who the fuck am I to complain. And more importantly, who wants to listen to me bitch. I even get sick of myself.

Dahlia Dipshit got a mistrial and so there is another trial coming up for her and since my new years resolution is to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it, I will be writing again.

This would normally be where I would probably apologize for my extended AWOLS but I can’t control depression or how long it lasts. That being said, I seem to be in a pretty good place mentally as far as the depression goes right now. So please do expect your resident sarcasm expert back in form in the new year.

I am hoping I get what I want for Christmas and the zombie apocalypse starts tomorrow or anytime before your president elect takes the oath of office. I actually hope Obama is the first one to get it and he bites Drumpf. Since the four horsemen of the apocalypse have already appeared and seem to have taken up residence at the white house, or are at least poised to, maybe my wish will come true. Just think what it would do for our overpopulation problem as well. If that actually happens I have a really good plan so just come here and we can all fight zombies together. It will be sick.

I miss all of you in case you were wondering. I hope each of you are thriving, or at least hanging in and counting on the fact that eventually it does get better. Something I would not have believed myself a year ago. But, it does.
Twister, thank you, you know why.

I’d like roll call please. We haven’t had one in a while so I want the whole shelter to sound off.

I love you all and I would not have made the progress I have without you. Take that to the bank.

I hope all of your Christmas’s or Hanukahs or whatever are exactly what you want them to be.

Expect me back soon.

From My Countrymen and I

Much love
RBMD peacing the fuck out.


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