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How Does A Country Feel When It Is Grabbed By The Pussy?

Hello subjects. Tis your intrepid leader, dean of fuckery, law professor, doctor of doctoring, honorary DVM, puppy resuscitation expert, dog lactation expert, horse whisperer, owner of contract of indentured servitude, and her most royal highness and queen of all I survey.

This little ditty is translated to Flower of Carnage.  It is in Japanese but it is beautiful and haunting and just perfect I think.

2016 has been one for the books hasn’t it. Likely the last one of any book ever since it’s the beginning of the end of the world. We are all invited to Renae’S house to watch the nuclear launches by the way. BYOB. or BYOW. Or BYOBAW. Fuck it, I say we all bring our meds and just throw em all in a big bowl.

I was finally able to move 1984 by George Orwell to the non fiction section of my personal library so that is now off of my bucket list. Actually the 0range horseman of the apocalypse had made me speed up my bucket list exponentially. All I have left are a Mexican standoff with actual Mexicans, bear fight using only a buck knife, having a heart to heart with Kanye West and making him understand what an insufferable douchebag he really is, shooting a Kardashian in the ass just to see if it deflates, and riding in one last horseshow. Obviously I just added the horseshow one since I only just discovered I can still ride. I think probably they are all doable except for the very last one. I don’t think I have the confidence to ride in a show ever again, I’d probably freak the fuck out or be so tense the horse would sense it and I’d ruin the experience for my show partner.

Then there is my private locked behind two safe doors written in coded invisible ink bucket list. It only has four things on it and when the day comes(and it will) that we find out the world is going to be blown up within the next twelve hours I’m going to check off everyone of them…well depending on traffic. At least three of them.

I’m so convinced that Trump marks the beginning of the end of world that I have even drawn up emancipation papers for the in house psychic. Hell she may as well enjoy a couple of hours of freedom or whatever we are living under is supposed to be.

So, let us recap 2016 shall we. The abridged version or else we will be here until Trump fires the first warhead.

Let us start with the fucking English since as a Scot it is my duty to hate them and David Cameron. The Panama Papers (just in case anyone forgot about them) said that the then Prime Minister of the fucking United Kingdom had coin in a secret offshore investment fund. He also porked a pig head in college. Then he called for a Brexit referendum which backfired horribly. He resigned in shame.

Drunk and from the shallow end of the gene pool Americans. Before you all collectively go wait, what? please recall the Port Huron Float Down. 1500 of your best and brightest (omg I can’t believe I typed that without smacking my head off of the keyboard) decided that a bunch of inner tubes and a fuckton of alcohol was a great idea. They did manage to close down the shipping corridors of a great lake and produced a $280 000 deficit for your country to save everybody who accidentally floated into Canada. Ha, accident my ass, you were all trying to get away from Trump even then weren’t you?

Clowns that all look like ax murderers. Whatever the fuck this little phenomenon is about, knock it the fuck off 2016.

Then of course we have the Syrian refugee crisis. Apparently Syrians have a one in ten chance of being dead at any given moment during this shit show of complete fuckery.

Polio and Small pox came back. Yay. Anti-vaxers are assholes.

Putin and Trump declared their love for each other and passionately made love on the white house lawn. Okay that last part hasn’t happened yet but the rest is pretty much what happened. Just so we are clear, Russia bad. Putin bad.

The totally not honorable Robin Camp. This actually started in 2014 but since we all heard about it this year I’m counting it. This fuckwad is the judge who asked a rape victim why she hadn’t kept her legs closed among other questions that should have just made his head explode due to misogyny overload. Instead he let the rapist off with a wrist slap and had to apologise to the victim which I am sure made it all better. I suggest any judge that hears rape cases needs to wear a shock collar, like a bear shock collar and every time they say something stupid it needs to go the fuck off. And this guy needs to be disbarred and defrocked or whatever you do to a judge.

There were also all the deaths. All sad, some devastatingly so.
Zsa Zsa Gabor, actress, socialite, she was about a billion and six so no surprise really
Craig Sagar. NBA sideline reporter who dressed like a pimp on slap a ho day.
Bernhard Fox. Best known as Doctor Bombay from bewitched.
Alan Thicke. Canadian actor/douchebag. Best known for growing pains. The show not the actual thing.
John Glen. If you don’t know who that is, A)shame on you B)you aren’t a Russian spy or anything right? C)Shame on you.
Florence Henderson. Actress best known as the best mom on earth due to her turn on Brady Bunch.
Ron Glass– Actor. Best known for his roles in Barney Miller and Firefly
Leon Russell. Legendary singer/songwriter/studio musician. Collaborated with the beach boys, rolling stones, and Elton john to name just a few.
Arnold Palmer. Legendary pro golfer. He won four masters and is inducted in the golf hall of fame. Yes, there is a golf hall of fame. No, I don’t know why.
Jose Fernandez. Pitcher Miami Marlins. Really fucked up boat accident.
Gene Wilder. Actor. Best known for Willy Wonka, Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles. He is associated with some of the funniest movies of the 70’s.
Steven Hill– Actor who will forever be remembered as Adam Schiff from Law and Order.
Kenny Baker-Actor/droid. Yes people, R2D2 is dead.
Garry Marshall. Producer/director/legend/penny marshall’s dad. Created Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley and directed Pretty Woman.
Michael Cimino– Acadamy award winning director- The Deer Hunter.
Ryan Jimmo. MMA fighter. 19 wins and 5 losses during his career…and I guess one death.
Bernie Worrell. Keyboardist. Founding member of funk band Parliament Funkadelic
Anton Yelchin– Actor. Best known for being a very badassed Pavel Chekov in Star Trek All The Old People Got Replaced.
Cassius Clay…Okay I’m just fucking with you although you should all know who that is. Muhammad Ali. Best boxer ever.
Gordie Howe. Hockey Player. Played 26 seasons in the NHL and made the all star team in 23 of them.
Morley Safer. Reporter. Worked on 60 minutes for 46 years. Back before you were allowed to write whatever you wanted and pass it off as truth when it is actually just clickbait.
Gary Shandling. Comedian.
George Kennedy. Actor. Best known for his Oscar winning turn in Cool Hand Luke.
Vanity. Singer. Fronted Vanity six a collaboration with Prince
Abe Vigoda. Actor. Loved for his portrayal of Detective Fish on Barney Miller and also played Tessio in the godfather.

Now things are going to get much more painful.

Prince. musician/artist/singer/otherworldly being. Legend in his own time. Spectacular human being who had everything and died of an opiod overdose which is so heartbreakingly sad.
Merle Haggard. Country Legend. Inductee into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
Joseph Medicine Crow. War Chief. Medicine Crow was the last surviving war chief of Montana’s Crow Tribe. Lectured extensively on the battle of Little Bighorn.
Nancy Reagan. Actress, first lady of California and then the United States. Married to Ronald Reagan.
Maurice White. Musician. Founder of Earth Wind and Fire. Nominated for 21 grammy’s. Won seven. Inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Glenn Frey. Musician. Founding member of and guitarist for the Eagles. Sang lead on several songs. So even with global warming it is doubtful hell will be freezing over again anytime soon.
Dan Haggerty-actor. Best known for Grizzly Adams. I can’t believe Grizzly Adams fucking died.
Alan Rickman. Wizard. For this one alone 2016 should be drawn and quartered. Severus Snape will forever be remembered by any Harry Potter fan or anyone who knows any Harry Potter fan. Yeah he did a bunch of other stuff, but really after Severus Snape nobody cares.
David Bowie. Alien rock god chameleon. My heart hurts just typing that David Bowie is dead. He died like he lived, with as little fanfare as he could muster.
Leonard Cohen. Hallelujah. Nothing else needs to be said.
Dale Buffin Griffin. Drummer and founding member of Mott the Hoople.
George Michael. Singer. Hi boyfriend went to wake him up but he was gone, gone.
Lemmy Killmister. Singer/founder Moterhead and general badass. The Ace of Spades will forever be one of my favorite 20 songs of all time.
Carrie Fisher. Princess- The disturbance in the force is great right now.
Debbie Reynolds. Mother of carrie fisher. Died of a stroke brought on by a broken heart.

There are of course many more that are not on this list because I am just tired of writing about the death of my youth. So, moving on.

Please ponder this.  We lost all of these wonderful talented people this year and yet Trump, the Kardashians and Kanye are still alive.  What in the actual fuck is going on here?

2016 also brought us Zika, no doubt invented by some drug company that will cure it for a thousand dollars a pill in the near future. Then there were the natural disasters; Hurricane Matthew, The California Wildfires, The Jerusalem Wildfires, The Italian Earthquake, The Alberta Wildfire, Flooding in Peshawar Pakistan, The Taiwan Earthquake, Rainfall induced heavy flooding in France, Flooding in Louisiana, magnitude 7 earthquake in India, flooded everything in Xianogan China, Typhoon Nepartak fujian province, china.

We also had an unuasually high amount of unatural disasters. (not Trump, I’ll get to him in a minute) Mass shootings, a crazed knife wielding fuckwad, bombings, a neverending war in Syria, a bunch of beheaded people because religion is such a peaceful loving thing, drug cartels still going at it (fucking Juarez might as well be iraq) and some crazy president (no not yours) decided to take the war on drugs to a whole nother level and started dropping suspected dealers out of helicopters.

Still think there is hope for humanity? You won’t soon. Next up we have the millenials. The generation that thinks that everone gets a medal for participating and that keeping score is just mean and they need trigger warnings and safe places in school. BARF. They also expect to do as little work as possible and then land themselves a 80000 a year job and get promoted every two years because you don’t have to be a winner to win anymore. Trophies for everyone. Woohoo, look what people have created.

Now lets get to the orange cherry on the top of the shit sundae that is 2016. Donald Jesus Fucking Christ how did this happen Trump. My best hypothesis thus far is that some kind of hallucinogenic gas was released over all the polling stations.

I knew, I expect everyone did that racism, misogyny, xenophobia and theolism existed. But my fucking god, now it’s okay to just do and say whatever you want to whoever you want? That was rhetorical because it fucking isn’t!   Go on You tube for an hour and see if you can make it without throwing up. I watched some grizzled old broad flip the fuck out because two women were in line speaking Spanish. She started with the fact that they didn’t speak American, whatever the fuck that is.  I thought you all spoke English. The did by the way speak English, but since it is a second language Spanish was easier for them.  Next, the mean and very vocal old buzzard moved on  to the fact that THEY are stealing your jobs, asked to see their green cards, and told the whole store they were probably on welfare and living off of all of you. So are they stealing jobs or living on welfare. Probably both right because that is just how those people are. It makes me fucking sick and ashamed for you. Every Muslim is suddenly a terrorist, every Sikh is suddenly a  Muslim, every African American is a beast just waiting to explode and rape and kill all you poor helpless white folks.  Mexicans are just flat out bad hombres and it is now once again okay to make fun of the differently abled, fat people, women, and I have seen the word Faggot thrown around so much lately it is giving me a fucking headache.

Just for a little more proof that you all just elected Satan rolled in cheeto dust, the white supremisist groups are already up in arms and ready to flip the fuck out if Donald Duck doesn’t keep his campaign promises. He is really doing a stellar job thus far. Drain the swamp. pffffft. All he did was add aligators and pythons.

I have 3 spare bedrooms at my house, 4 if somebody wants to convert the basement, first come first serve because you all are headed for a civil war unless of course he just blows the planet the fuck up. He can’t take twitter criticism, what is he going to do when a country says mine is bigger than yours. He’s goimg to launch, and then he is going to go hide in his lead lined bunker till the radiation goes to an acceptable level and then he can emerge as king of the fucking world because he will be all that is left. Actually Keith Richards, Ozzy Osborne and myself will probably also still be alive. I figture Keith can get him to overdose in under three hours. If not, Ozzy can probably scare the old fucker into a heart attack so that makes me once again Queen of all I survey.

That’s it for tonight

RBMD peacing the fuck out.

 

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13 Responses to How Does A Country Feel When It Is Grabbed By The Pussy?

  1. TrulyUSA says:

    I was wondering why I had a fit of depression after Christmas this year, usually I keep that shit at bay but it rolled right into the dock and the tide did not change until this morning. Now I know why. See above. Good thing I’m a bad ass bitch because I’m rallying now and everybody better look the fuck out because the day of reckoning is here and I got nothing to lose but maybe a couple decades of general physical degradation and a possible heart attack brought on by looking into the mirror and seeing that old woman who is haunting me. So yeah, I got nothing to lose. Keep your head up ladies! Look that shit in the eye it makes them uncomfortable. Goodbye 2016, I for one am not sad to see you go!

  2. renaes24 says:

    Bravo Kelly! I am in total agreement that we all join up and throw our meds in a punchbowl and then just ‘randomly’ enjoy/abuse. I do think you missed one famous/infamous death: the notorious Rob Ford. His death should have been a warning about the coming of the Orange Carrot Salad.
    I also disagree that good old Ozzie could scare King Trump. If anything, they speak much the same language. Now Keith, on the other hand………(oh, and won’t Cher also still be alive?)
    On the plus side, 2016 found the Affluenza kid FINALLY got some jail time (though not near enough), and the US is again questioning the use of the death penalty. (Why should these creatins get such a nice, smooth passage to the other side while the rest of us have to suffer in pain?)
    As much as I can’t wait to kick 2016 in the ass, 2017 also scares me. I fear we will lose a wack of great artists: Mick Jagger; Bob Dylan; Roger Daltrey/Pete Townsend…….all of them are already in their 70’s.
    I’ve cleaned up the balcony so there is now room for everyone to enjoy the coming fireworks/firestorm/atomic sunset…….so just start trecking north.

  3. renaes24 says:

    This Just In : (Even ALF ……..)
    Michu Meszaros, the actor who played “ALF” in the popular ’80s sitcom, has died, according to longtime friend and manager Dennis Varga.

    Meszaros, who stood only 33 inches tall, had a stroke last Thursday and had been hospitalized since. Varga says the 76-year-old actor died Sunday night.

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      No more. Unless the last name is Trump, Kardashian or West I do not want to hear it. So let it be written, so let it be done.

  4. Mama Via says:

    Ok…better late than NEVER…it’s mama, doing Roll Call…I’m here…alive (more or less) and well (more or less)

    The drumpf erection..er…I mean election…just kinda fucked me up…I forgot that I didn’t have any fucks to give…and I went ahead and gave one anyway…dammit! I actually hate it when I do that! So, to keep myself from going completely insane, I’ve been lost in the stacks of the I Don’t Give a Fast Flying Fuck Library while in the Great State of Confusion….I was seeking information on mass hysteria, collective obsessional behavior and proof that a certain mitigation specialist has FINALLY had all her ASSets frozen and is on the verge of being arrested and deported to Guantanamo…but, alas, I’ve found nothing…not even a small whispered rumor! Could that report been (GASP) a LIE?? Yellow “journalism” at its best?!

    Papa has been busy “practicing” being retired…and it’s driving me to Bedlam!!! He goes “part-time” on 1/1/17…and “full retirement” on 7/1/17….which also, interestingly, coincides with my expected diagnosis of “partially crazy” to “totally insane”…wish me luck…

    I have much more to report… but my typing finger is tired…and it is time for my “I just woke up and now it’s time for my nap” nap…more news later…between my naps, maybe…

    Love to all…mama

    Ps–I’m sooooooo happy to see postings! I hope you are on a roll -and we see more reports and funnies!

    • TrulyUSA says:

      Ysy!!! Mama’s in the pound! Woot woot!

      • Mama Via says:

        It has been a bad month, Truly… Remember I told you about my only sister dying in an auto accident? She was only 20…and honestly, losing her fukked me up! (My dad, and one of her sons were also killed…) But as Paul Harvey says…”here is the rest of the story….”. My sister’s four month old baby survived the accident. Although my sister had started divorce proceedings, the divorce wasn’t finalized. (And of course, she didn’t have a written will..what 20 year old does?) Her husband was royally pissed because he felt “we” were interfering, that we were encouraging her to leave him. (He was a slap Happy abuser!) So, after the funeral.. the Court ordered that we give ajar to his father…just to be mean, he refused to allow ANY of OUR family to contact JR in ANY way…(he was a BASTARD!). Well, not long after her death, her husband ended up in jail (2nd degree murder, I think)..and JR ended up living with his grand parents (who had managed to raise 5 boys, all of whom went to prison on SOMETHING, like drugs, burglary and/or murder) So…what kind of person do you think JR turned into? (If you guess that jail was involved, you are right). I saw him once after he turned 18…and a few weeks after I met him, he was calling me for bail money…which I did not have…so, there that stood for 18 years….

        Until last week…when I “somehow” ended up looking at his Facebook profile…(You know the old saying that “Gingers” or red-heads are either VERY beautiful or VERY UGLY? My sister’s ex-hubby was the “NOT beautiful” type…looked like an orange “Big Bird”…and, sadly..JR looks EXACTLY like his dad)..what caught my eye in the photo was JR’s 10 year old daughter….staring back at me from the computer screen is the living, breathing, exact duplicate of my sister…I felt like someone had grabbed my heart and just squeezed until I couldn’t breathe…

        The accident happened New Year’s Eve-Eve…exactly 40 years ago…and there I found myself staring at photo after photo of a living, breathing duplicate of my sister…and the experience has thrown me off-kilter…I’m trying to deal with it…it’s difficult enough to cope with losing my sister…grieving for 40 years now…dealing with emotional Christmas seasons…coming to terms with the realization that she would have been sixty this year…and of course, would be a Gramma…life goes on…even if she didn’t…but the photos of her grand daughter haunts me…

        That’s what I’ve been struggling with this Christmas…in addition to everything else…I think I’m crazy…

        Also on our Queens list…should have been my heroine …Patty Duke…who, like me struggled with biPolar….

      • TrulyUSA says:

        Dear Lord Mama, no wonder you’ve been having a difficult time. If your grand-niece is old enough you should reach out to her. I know you want to, don’t let fear of rejection hold you back. No you are not crazy my dear wonderful friend, you are nothing less than a gentle soul who has had more than her share of pain and loss. Have you considered that things happen for a reason? It’s hard to explain and accept that there is reason for losing those you love, for the pain and suffering that you endure, but I feel there is. Maybe you were supposed to find out about your sister’s granddaughter, and this is the time you should know, and this is the moment you should act on that knowledge. I don’t know, I’m just flailing about trying to find my way too, but if you don’t try you’ll never know. I had a really close friend who had many problems and retreated from the world, refusing to see anyone, and then she died from one too many pain pills that never took away the pain. At her funeral I saw her daughter for the first time in 15 years and I saw my friend in her eyes! Her eyes were my friend’s eyes! I could not stop staring at her and she probably thought I was nuts but I just wanted to grab her and hug her and cry over her — so I know a little of what you mean. This young girl deserves to know someone who knew her grandmother intimately, someone who has lots of love for her, someone who will show her another way. That someone is you, Mama.

      • reallybigmeandog says:

        Amen Truly.

      • Mama Via says:

        Thank you, Truly….

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Mama!! Somebody go cut me a switch. The shelter is not the shelter without you an if I am back then dammit, so are you. Also, full on crazy is highly under-rated. I highly recommend it. I love you.

      • Mama Via says:

        Well, if y’all are back…then I am too…I’m also dealing with papa being forced to retire…part time from now till July 1…and full retirement after July 1…and he is already making me crazy…more on that tomorrow…

        Hugs to you all…and, btw…I don’t cut my own switch…just so’s you know…

        Send some Canadian weather down here…86 degrees on New Year’s Day! That’s bullshite I say!

  5. Mama Via says:

    Ok…don’t leave me hangin by a thread here…I need some reading material…before I slide back down the hill!!

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