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I have to take personal inventory of some things, I will be gone for a while.

June 26, 2017

I have fucked something up quite badly.  Maybe irreparably I don’t know.  And I will be back at least one last time to tell you why and what I did about it, but as of right now the blog is gone.  I can’t get into it right now it is too raw and much too humiliating and horrifying and what it says about me as a person I don’t know.

Please don’t comment.   I will be back with an explanation.

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For The Best Brother A Person Ever Had

June 24, 2017

Just realized the date my lovelies.  This explains a lot of things.  If you are me.

So, today is the day my Brother, my favorite brother decided he’d had enough and punched his ticket to get off the ride.  And I get it and I got it when he did it and I don’t hate him for it and I don’t think he is a coward or that he went to hell or any of that bullshit.  I believe he just got tired of all the memories, he got tired of looking at all the scars, he got tired of all the scars nobody could see and he said Fuck it.

Since I am still the owner of this blog, I figure I can write what I want and this is what I am writing about today because I have been having a shitty time of it lately and I am hoping maybe vomiting this up will help me a little.  Who the fuck knows. If you don’t want to read it don’t, if you do, then please do.  This is not me looking for anyone’s sympathy it is simply something I feel compelled to do.

I miss you Bobby.  You were my only solace, my saviour, my surrogate Dad and my best friend.  I would give anything I have just to be wrapped in those strong arms one more time and hugged and told how much you love me.

I get it.  I always did, but you took such a big chunk of me with you.  Since you  always knew  I didn’t  believe in a higher power I’m not expecting to see you once I die.  Call me a pragmatist.  What I do hope is that we somehow come back.  I will look for you brother.  I will look forever.

I know life was a shit show, but even still we had so many good times.  I will remember till the day I die even if I get dementia or some shit you sneaking me out of the house and across the boarder to a Kiss concert of all things.  And being the most caring brother on the planet you even made sure I had hearing protection.  You held me on your shoulders for the entire thing and you made me feel like a princess.

You are responsible for my life long love affair with rock music, Kiss, and Rush.  They opened and nobody knew who the hell they were.  But we did because they were ours.

I remember all the rides in the get away jeep and you, even being so much older than me not being to old to pretend we were Adam 12 or the mod squad or whatever, playing along with whatever I wanted to play.

I remember A&W when the waitresses came out to the cars and they were on roller skates.  So fucking cool and only our thing.

I remember my first dog, a gift from you and one that served me well.  I loved that mangy snaggle toothed animal like crazy.  And even at that age I knew why you gave him to me and he did exactly what you wanted him to do.

I know leaving was the hardest thing you ever did, I know how hard you fought to take me with you and I watched as you broke when you thought you were out of the line of sight of the house.

I remember you rushing me to the hospital when one of my other idiot brothers convinced me I could fly off of the garage roof if I just flapped my arms hard enough and I remember the very first signature on the cast.  It said “repeat after me, people cannot fly” and you ruffed my hair and you made me laugh even through the pain of another broken bone.

You were the best brother that ever lived Bobby, and you were gone way to soon but if you are now someone else out there maybe reading this, it is me your little blonde haired princess, your best girl, your little miss sunshine.  I love you Bro, and where ever or who ever you are I hope you are the happiest person.   And I will look for you forever.

 

 


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