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For The Best Brother A Person Ever Had

Just realized the date my lovelies.  This explains a lot of things.  If you are me.

So, today is the day my Brother, my favorite brother decided he’d had enough and punched his ticket to get off the ride.  And I get it and I got it when he did it and I don’t hate him for it and I don’t think he is a coward or that he went to hell or any of that bullshit.  I believe he just got tired of all the memories, he got tired of looking at all the scars, he got tired of all the scars nobody could see and he said Fuck it.

Since I am still the owner of this blog, I figure I can write what I want and this is what I am writing about today because I have been having a shitty time of it lately and I am hoping maybe vomiting this up will help me a little.  Who the fuck knows. If you don’t want to read it don’t, if you do, then please do.  This is not me looking for anyone’s sympathy it is simply something I feel compelled to do.

I miss you Bobby.  You were my only solace, my saviour, my surrogate Dad and my best friend.  I would give anything I have just to be wrapped in those strong arms one more time and hugged and told how much you love me.

I get it.  I always did, but you took such a big chunk of me with you.  Since you  always knew  I didn’t  believe in a higher power I’m not expecting to see you once I die.  Call me a pragmatist.  What I do hope is that we somehow come back.  I will look for you brother.  I will look forever.

I know life was a shit show, but even still we had so many good times.  I will remember till the day I die even if I get dementia or some shit you sneaking me out of the house and across the boarder to a Kiss concert of all things.  And being the most caring brother on the planet you even made sure I had hearing protection.  You held me on your shoulders for the entire thing and you made me feel like a princess.

You are responsible for my life long love affair with rock music, Kiss, and Rush.  They opened and nobody knew who the hell they were.  But we did because they were ours.

I remember all the rides in the get away jeep and you, even being so much older than me not being to old to pretend we were Adam 12 or the mod squad or whatever, playing along with whatever I wanted to play.

I remember A&W when the waitresses came out to the cars and they were on roller skates.  So fucking cool and only our thing.

I remember my first dog, a gift from you and one that served me well.  I loved that mangy snaggle toothed animal like crazy.  And even at that age I knew why you gave him to me and he did exactly what you wanted him to do.

I know leaving was the hardest thing you ever did, I know how hard you fought to take me with you and I watched as you broke when you thought you were out of the line of sight of the house.

I remember you rushing me to the hospital when one of my other idiot brothers convinced me I could fly off of the garage roof if I just flapped my arms hard enough and I remember the very first signature on the cast.  It said “repeat after me, people cannot fly” and you ruffed my hair and you made me laugh even through the pain of another broken bone.

You were the best brother that ever lived Bobby, and you were gone way to soon but if you are now someone else out there maybe reading this, it is me your little blonde haired princess, your best girl, your little miss sunshine.  I love you Bro, and where ever or who ever you are I hope you are the happiest person.   And I will look for you forever.

 

 

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9 Responses to For The Best Brother A Person Ever Had

  1. Marcy L Warren says:

    Please don’t listen to all the negative things that they say when a person chooses to end the greatest pain they ever had known and could not bear another minute. It wasn’t selfish, I am a believer in my god but my god has love, non judgement, grace and let me just say IF GOD DIDN’T WANT IT TO END THE PERSON WOULD NOT HAVE SUCCEEDED, HE WOULD HAVE NOT LET IT BE OVER. I have NEVER believed my god would send me to hell after all the hell on earth that made me decide to leave. Nobody has a right to JUDGE ANYBODY ELSE AND THEIR DECISION. Please know that your wonderful brother IS WITH YOU EVERY SECOND. Just close your eyes picture his face or hug and he will show you through your heart he is there AND ALWAYS WILL BE. THANK YOU FOR SHARING AND ALLOWING US TO KNOW WHAT A WONDERFUL BROTHER YOU HAVE…

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      Marcy. I wish I had your faith in…anything, unfortunately my family were dealt cards that negate believing in a god that cares about anything. I am happy for anyone who does believe and do not think any less of them, I actually envy the comfort it must bring. And I agree, in theory, if there is a God he would be a loving non judgemental god who would understand everything a person does. He would not hold it against a person who could just no longer handle the pain of what life gave out. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that because it gave me a little bit of comfort since nobody really knows till we get there do we. I wish the whole world had known my brother, he was just that wonderful. Kind, generous, caring, considerate, and would give a homeless person the literal shirt off of his back. He loved everyone with a couple of notable exceptions, but me he loved above all things. Thank you for reading and thank you for your very kind comments. They are appreciated.

  2. Peggi says:

    So so sorry for your loss

    • reallybigmeandog says:

      thank you Peggi, but it really isn’t about that. He has been dead for a long time, I am just stupidly hoping that maybe my theory is right and maybe he is someone else reading this right now.

  3. twister says:

    You do have a higher power that tells you that after death you are reborn as another person. My higher power tells me that we live once and die. Our loved ones spirits live on in our hearts. Bobby’s kind spirit is always with you. Your parents had amazing kids. Normally I would give them some credit, but I don’t think that is the case here. I love it that Bobby gave you a dog, a good spirit. When I die, I want to go where the dogs are. Love you big time!

  4. bazzethound says:

    That was beautiful, Kelly. I’m tempted to jump in my car and drive for 25 miles to hug my big brother.
    Hug from Virginia,
    Gwen

  5. TrulyUSA says:

    You made me cry, Kelly. I wish I could give you a big hug.

  6. Mama Via says:

    Honey, your brother is always there, watching over you. He lives on every day in your heart. Life isn’t easy; if it were, we would find no pride in overcoming the challenges we face. Gramma said that “its the days of rain that teach us to appreciate the days of sunshine”…

    I know true happiness now…because I’ve lived thru so much hell…

    My prayers are with you…

  7. Mama Via says:

    It is what it is, honey…you cannot change the past, only the NOW…

    DONT Let yourself get too wrapped up in worrying about the past, something you can’t change…because someday, you will look back on today, and see you’ve done nothing…and that just adds to the circle of depression…

    Your life is like a ship on the ocean…you and only you are the Captain…it’s your CHOICE to either sit dead in the water…or hoist the sails and move on in your Journey…

    We are keeping you in our prayers….

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