Hello my lovelies. It’s me, back already. Please don’t pass out from shock. Your dean of fuckery, doctor of doctoring, honorary DVM, pretend Judge, Fixer of all briefs that need to be re-written, dog lactation consultant, horse therapist, resident sarcasm expert and Queen of all I survey. The pageant for “Queen of the universe is coming up so please cast your votes early. Even if you have to ride a horse that really isn’t feeling it to do so.
Spoiler alert this video has nothing to do with anything I just thought it was funny so I used it.
I have heard from Mama who is well, just dealing with some of her own stuff. Nothing bad I promise, she’s just busy.
So since it is already the 19th of what is usually my most despised month of the year coming up to what is usually my most despised day of the year, I decided I would just nip that shit in the bud and let you all know that I am actually looking forward to Christmas. If anyone has smelling salts please pass them to renae, mama and basset because I know they have all just collectively fainted.
I have been doing this blog for a long time. We have covered a lot of things, survived a lot of things and thrived from a lot of things. We have had each others backs, we have gone to war for anyone of us that needed a war party on the quick and we love each other. To me, that means more than anything. I want each of you to know that while my road is still so, so fucking long, you have helped me travel a distance and you’ve walked beside me just in case I stumbled so you’d be there to grab me and I am aware and I am so grateful to you all.
I am in a good headspace this year. Not great but not he horrific depressions I have been falling into as of late. Depression is really the gift that keeps on giving. It gives heartache to the people that love you and have no idea how to help you, it gives actual physical pain, it gives to the point where you just want to say fuck it what is the point. I’ve been there, I’ve done that and what keeps me going just in case you didn’t know is the fact that I am not alone, that you all understand and that eventually I know, even if it just way down the pit of the blackness that it will get better. I know things are getting better because I have discovered a few things that set off the depression and have figured out how to shut them right the fuck down before they even get started. Sometimes, I’m not so lucky. I am sorry to you all I have been so absent this year, it has been one for the books.
This year my son turns 17. Two days before Christmas my baby turns 17. He has his license test scheduled for the 2nd of January and nobody on earth is looking more forward to that day than me. See, I hate driving. It is part of the agoraphobia, but it is also to do with an accident my drunk mother had with me in the car. I have never been a huge fan, and the older I get the more I hate it. the day I get to say, can you please go to the store and pick up some bread will be an awesome day. First because I don’t have to go and second because I can afford bread. Remember when I didn’t know where the fuck our next meal was coming from? Seems like yesterday. you guys saved me then too, and I will not ever forget what you did for a mother in the throws of the worst portion of her life and her son to make sure that we did not freeze to death or starve. I am still humbled by it.
Once my pension came through and I figured out how to budget the pittance they gave me we were able to make a terrible situation tolerable. Tolerable is much better than can you please donate money so we don’t freeze to death.
The no kill shelter has come a long way. Members that were at least as messed up as me have blossomed which makes me so damn happy, and even myself who was, I thought, completely and irreparably broken have made some progress. I can now stand to be downstairs instead of locked behind the front door lock, the lock to the upstairs room and the lock on my office door. So I have eliminated 2 locks. Of course it helped immensely when my imaginary psychiatrist informed me that having several imaginary large and very vicious dogs would probably help in the event that someone was to break in . They are by the way only vicious if they feel that I am being threatened. Oher than that they are watchful but harmless. My imaginary dog Hutchinson especially takes his job as a sacred duty and he would without hesitation take a bullet for me, which is good cuz I worry about bullets. A lot. Still.
Imaginary starsky is as loyal as Hutchy bear but her loyalty is to the boy first and I would not have it any other way. Out of all the imaginary dogs, it is surprisingly Panzer that one needs to be the most concerned with because that bitch don’t play. You fuck with her family and you are going to be as dead as she can possibly make you.
The day my imaginary Psychiatrist hooked me up with horse therapy was probably one of the most fortuitous days I have had in a very, very long time. It took me days to finally get up the courage to go to the farm, even though my doc assured me that the farmer had been fully briefed that I could not be in large crowds, could not feel like I was in anyway trapped and that I was very experienced with horses and if he told me what he wanted and left me alone he’d probably be a very happy guy. He is one of he kindest and most understanding imaginary people I have ever met. I know he wasn’t sure of me at first because I was terrified to be around him. Seems however, the second he saw I was not terrified of the animals I was handling he was fine. I have become the keeper of his prize stallion who is according to the barn staff only really happy when I am there, I have brought some animals I thought were beyond help back from whatever hell they were reliving over and over in their minds, I have birthed a foal, and I have had the sheer joy of being back around horses. Something I truly love and that gives me tremendous amounts of pleasure. sometimes the farm owner finds me quite vexing and he yells at me. Mostly because he is old and very set in his ways and I am much younger and up on he latest techniques in equine care. Like when I name them. they come in with numbers. Nobody should be horse 2425 or whatever. So they all have names. Unfortunately, I refer to them by their names and nobody has a fucking clue of what I speak. First he got mad and told me to stop doing it, and then Charlie happened. He has softened on the whole name thing since then and he has even taken the time out of a crazy schedule to learn a lot of them. That is huge. Instead of saying bring in 1497 he says bring in Molly. The first time he did it I almost wept. Everyone deserves a name.
I still cannot go out in public, even with my son I am as apt to have a panic attack as not although I will say that my son has learned to deal with them with surgical precision. Get me out of the area that is causing me distress, find somewhere quiet and talk me down which he manages to do about 80 percent of the time. I still cannot do things like attempt public transportation or take a taxi because I do not know the driver or go to the bank or anything like that, but look how far I have come. There are still so many things I cannot do, but I am so proud at the huge amounts of progress I have made. thanks in huge part to you guys with all of your encouragement.
Bug found a bunch of imaginary kittens that someone dumped out on the road as is the circle of life around here and I of course would not have them starved or run over or eaten by the explosion of imaginary coyotes we’ve had so they sort of live with us. They come in at night and get something to eat and then go out during the day although when I look through the window they never go far.
He came home from school a week ago to discover that I had strung lights, put out the decorations that we have, put a jiggly collar on our imaginary dog Rocket and had eggnog waiting for him and he lost his shit. The smile is one I will not forget ever. I got the biggest hug and a thank you mom and I know how hard you are trying which is quite simply everything.
I got the by drivers ed, which took a huge amount of scrimping to save up for it. Fuck me sideways that shit is expensive, but I will apparently save it in insurance since he will be on as an occasional driver. It will make it so my insurance does not go so high I can’t afford it. It was worth the sacrifice.
I have decided that because of his age it is time to start getting him ready for when he flies the nest, so his Christmas and birthday have been about things he will use for the next several years. A futon, a new bed, a really good set of headphones, a coffee maker, a down duvet, bedding, a few clothes and of course a few fun things, a PlayStation pass card for the year, Assasins creed origins, some cd’s, a bunch of movies he’s been wanting and something I think is special, the outsiders and rumble fish, both the books and the movies. There are lessons there and he is nothing if not a deep thinker.
I have been making cookies, and my plan is cheesecake and some butter tarts as well as Grandma’s shortbread to put out for Christmas day.
It has been an amazing yeas of ups and downs, but mostly ups. Except for Trump. Big, big down.
My offer stands of a safe nuclear free zone. Bring your imaginary horses, imaginary dogs, imaginary alpaca’s if that is your thing. Like I said, make spouses will have to take a test to gain entry.
So there you have it. My year in a nutshell. I am trying to find things that actually interest me to write about so I will be back more frequently.
Thank you all again for sticking with this really big mean dog and for helping me through some amazingly tough times. I am doing my best to pay it forward as I am able.
Each and every one of you are part of my life and my heart and I love you all as much as you love me.
Peace and love to each and every one of you
RBMD peacing the fuck out.