Her Majesty Queen Kelly Of The New Town She Lives In And The Case Of The Haunted Pig Barn.

October 30, 2018

Hello my lovelies, your queen has finally calmed herself enough to tell you about the apparently haunted barn that I work in.

Now, your Queen is not prone to hysterics of any kind and I have a cold hard rock for a heart so things just do not frighten me.  It irks people that I am so unflappable.  I have walked down to the barn in the pitch black to check to make sure I did something, I pay zero attention to the weird noises that just randomly sound from  out of no where.  When the mice come calling, I catch them and let them go.  I certainly don’t jump up on a desk and scream.  I’m talking to you Carey.

So yesterday I went into the barn as per usual and walked into a laundry room underneath two feet of water.  So I sloshed through it to get my barn boots and discovered that there was also a puddle of water directly in the middle of my office.  This was decidedly strange because it was just there.  There was no leak line from under the wall, no water trail, just a puddle in the middle of the office.

So, not being a hysterical person I took a picture and cleaned it up which took the better part of two hours, that is how much water there was.  I assumed the washing machine had come unlocked somehow and that is how the water got there.  I had a load in when I left the barn the night before.  I cursed myself resoundingly for leaving a load of laundry going when I left and left it at that.  My stupidity.  I finished my days work, checked to make sure there was no laundry going and went inside for the night.  I had had a long day and didn’t go out and check the barn that night and hind sight being 20/20 I should have.

I walked in this morning to a worse mess than I had on Monday and I was furious.  It is so much wasted time to have to clean it up.  It was exactly the same.  And I was PISSED.  I’m like “seriously, what the actual fuck.” We are talking about enough water for two hours at least worth of work, never mind all the shit that got we or ruined or both.  I texted the boss of all bosses to apprise him of the situation and carried on about my day the whole time turning over an over in my head how this was happening.  The answer was obvious.  Ghosts.  Ghosts were fucking with me.  I figured I was setting a bad example as a queen if I didn’t at least try and catch the fucking thing. So I did all my regular work for the day and proceeded to wait for senor Ghost to make an appearance.  So I double checked that the machine was empty and I closed the door and made sure it was closed.  I waited, I did paperwork and watched some law and order off of my thumb drive while waiting.  In hindsight once I caught it I would have probably have been truly fucked.  Ghosts are mostly not friendly from what I hear.

Then when I was just about to give up, I heard it.  The washing machine which is a front loader by the way clicked and the door opened and about 5 gallons of water spilled out with no end in sight.  I immediately turned all the water to the machine off, and cursing resoundingly yet again I got the fucking mop.  I told that washer where exactly I was going to stick that broom if it didn’t knock it off and I told the laundry demon to depart right now or he was getting the other end of the mop.

So it would seem that the check valve that lets water in when you are doing laundry has gone tits up and it just lets water in whether the machine is doing a load of laundry or not.  So, I asked the machine politely if it would like to be crushed and turned into a waffle iron and told the demon I had no problem turning him into one as well.  After that I turned off all the water and waited some more.  After an hour I decided that the washing machine demon had departed.  It is probably living in my toaster now.  I will find out next time I make toast.  If I get devil faces I guess I know where it went.

In some actual real news, Robert Durst is going to have to stand trial for the murder of his friend and hopefully for his wife as well although she was not mentioned  in the news that I watched.  That trial I am going to cover for two reasons.  Firstly, this woman deserves some justice and Secondly because Robert Durst is completely off of his nut and I love crazy people trials.

That’s it for tonight

RBMD peacing the fuck out

Fun With Pig Farming

October 29, 2018

Hello my lovelies.  Your Queen has decided to get down and dirty, like really fucking dirty and do normal people shit instead of eating crumpets in the tower.  Oh almost forgot the rest of my CV so sorry.  Horse whisperer, dog lactation consultant, puppy resuscitation expert, lover of all things four legged, and I get three new titles today, savior of dying pigs, royal sovereign of making the stupid fucking auger work and by proclamation of someone that is a way higher paygrade than me, producer of some exceptional swine.

Pigs are fun.  In a Michael Myers/Freddy Kruger/Jason Vorheese type of way.  If you don’t know just google it.  The babies get sick a lot, it is unfortunately unavoidable, and if they are salvageable they have to get antibiotics. It  can’t be avoided and they start to resent the needles they get a hundred or so times a day.  I caught one trying to stuff himself under a feeder when he saw me coming.  But baby pigs are manageable.  See, they are too short to reach above the top of your boots to bite you.  And they really, really want to bite you.  I have 2400 babies.  That are all waiting to get bigger so they can eat me.

Then I have the, we will call them teenagers.  Remember how much fun a 17 year old with an attitude is.  Now put that on four legs with a battering ram head and about a million teeth.  And they will try and hit you at the back of the knees to knock you down.  You do not EVER want to go down in a hog pen.  If you make it out you are going to be seriously fucked up.  Anyway, part of my job is to walk the pens of the teens every day and make sure nobody is down or sick or just being a general dick to the other pigs.  There are exactly 1000 of them divided into 6 pens so there are a lot of pigs per pen.  And the thing they want most in life is to see what I taste like.  I keep telling them I taste bad but they ain’t buying it.  I got hog bit bad the other day, enough to draw blood, and then just for added fun I discovered that once they have you they shake their heads like a dog trying to rip a hunk of you off.  So basically my job is to make sure they stay alive and their job is to kill me.

they are crazy smart too.  Because standing in a pig pen all day has got to suck balls they got creative and created there very own slip and slide bowling alley.  they made a runway out of shit and urine and the pens are really long so one gets to the top and waits for about 4 pigs to stand around and then it goes tearing down the slip and slide, drops about 20 feet from the four totally oblivious pigs and sees how many it can take out.  I laughed my ass off first couple of times they did it.  they think it is hysterical.

I also have 500 old timers.  These are the ones you have to watch out for.  I have made friends with as many of them as possible.  They are unpredictable and they are also huge.  Like 300+ lbs huge.  With a mouth full of razor blades.  I have a can filled with beads that I shake when I am in their pens because I have to be in their pens and it keeps them away.  I personally think it is from when they were wild and rattle snakes were a problem because that is the sound it makes.  The old timers will be moving on soon and I l’ll either get another load of babies or teens.  Please god let it be babies.

There is a lot of stuff that goes into pig farming.  You have to constantly monitor the water, check every waterer in the barn, (there are 425 and I have to physically check each one every day) you have to make sure the feed augers are working and if they are not, because they hate me, you have to bucket feed for a billion hogs.  They are working right now, Saturday they were not and it took me almost 6 hours just to feed. Green barn auger went down because a bird somehow got in it and got itself spread out all over my  feed, my barn and my pigs.  Jammed up my auger till I eventually hit it hard enough that it fell out.  Well, what was left of it fell out.

Their are vaccinations (and just on a side note not one single pig so far has gotten autism from pig vaccine.  There are needle vaccines, water vaccines, food vaccines and I have to see to all of that.  I have to keep the barn clean which is like telling someone living in a melting house to keep the water off of the floor.

I am very serious about my biosecurity so if you are coming into my barn you are having a shower at my barn and wearing clothing that has been washed in.  your clothing stays on hooks outside of the bio zone.

It is a lot of work, which I enjoy.  I have to be on my toes all the time which is good for my brain because forgetting for a second what these can do could be disaster.  I don’t have to deal with people,  It is a seven day a week job although on weekends technically I am just supposed to make sure they have food and water.  Yeah right cuz that is how I roll.  I can always find something to do in the barn.  When the barn is finished I will have another 4 to 6 thousand hogs in it.  I see a lot of long days in my future.   and I like it here.  I think I’ll stay.

RBMD peacing the fuck out

A Change Of Fortunes

October 27, 2018

Hello my loyal subjects, tis me, your wayward queen back for some startling news updates.

So in a nutshell I don’t do people.  I am agoraphobic (and yes I know most of you know), and Have severe PTSD and Battered spouse syndrome (and again I know most of you know.

I got extremely depressed about the house maybe being taken and went way into my head for a bit.  I find interesting things there sometimes and I found me a doozy this time.  I can work with animals, actually went to school for it.  Animal Sciences for the win.

Just for shits and giggles I applied for a job at a pig farm that was not supposed to start till December as support staff.  So I got an email back asking if I was aware of that and said yes and asked how many people worked there and when I was told I was shocked at the amount of people and was about to politely nope out when she says how would you feel about running a swine farm elsewhere.  I asked if anyone else worked there and they said nope, nuh uh, it would just be me till the barn was full then I could hire someone or they would provide someone my choice according to my contract.

I know a lot about Swine.  Swine helped pay for my house actually.  There are a lot of new diseases than there were in the 80’s and 90’s but it is basically same shit different day.  So I said I would interview.  I took a Lot of anti-anxiety medication for that interview.

I was genuinely pleased to meet to of the nicest people you could just randomly meet.  I gave them the rundown of what I know about pigs, about dealing with the government, about rules and regulations and I thought it went well.  Then they asked if I wanted to see the farm and of course I did so we went.  45 minutes from my house to here.  they had weaners in the barn already so somebody was having to make two trips a day to check on them.  I thought the interview went well, I was a little concerned because everything in the barn was built for tall people and I’m 4’11.  I need a stick to reach some of the light switches.  Plus I’m sure the thought of how I was going to move a 200kg downer crossed their minds.  I’m brilliant that is how.

It was between me and another guy and I assumed they would go with the guy just because more muscle and he was way taller than me.

I have to tell you, I cried when they called and told me they would love to offer me the position.  I could not say yes fast enough.  Oh and the job comes with a house.  An enormous house.  so I just walk outside to my work every day.

Got everything moved finally, got a bin for the garbage and for the roofing shingles that are coming off next week so the roof can be done, then I am renovating the house I own and selling it to pay my back taxes and  investing the rest.

the work is very physical and I am tired and sore and you have not lived until you have been hog bitten.  That really hurts.  I have also cut myself on a piece of metal inside a feeder and gotten more rips and tears in my skin than I care to count and it is all worth it.

Farming is in my blood and even when I hate it I love it.

Love and miss you all

RBMD peacing the fuck out

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