Fun With Pig Farming

October 29, 2018

Hello my lovelies.  Your Queen has decided to get down and dirty, like really fucking dirty and do normal people shit instead of eating crumpets in the tower.  Oh almost forgot the rest of my CV so sorry.  Horse whisperer, dog lactation consultant, puppy resuscitation expert, lover of all things four legged, and I get three new titles today, savior of dying pigs, royal sovereign of making the stupid fucking auger work and by proclamation of someone that is a way higher paygrade than me, producer of some exceptional swine.

Pigs are fun.  In a Michael Myers/Freddy Kruger/Jason Vorheese type of way.  If you don’t know just google it.  The babies get sick a lot, it is unfortunately unavoidable, and if they are salvageable they have to get antibiotics. It  can’t be avoided and they start to resent the needles they get a hundred or so times a day.  I caught one trying to stuff himself under a feeder when he saw me coming.  But baby pigs are manageable.  See, they are too short to reach above the top of your boots to bite you.  And they really, really want to bite you.  I have 2400 babies.  That are all waiting to get bigger so they can eat me.

Then I have the, we will call them teenagers.  Remember how much fun a 17 year old with an attitude is.  Now put that on four legs with a battering ram head and about a million teeth.  And they will try and hit you at the back of the knees to knock you down.  You do not EVER want to go down in a hog pen.  If you make it out you are going to be seriously fucked up.  Anyway, part of my job is to walk the pens of the teens every day and make sure nobody is down or sick or just being a general dick to the other pigs.  There are exactly 1000 of them divided into 6 pens so there are a lot of pigs per pen.  And the thing they want most in life is to see what I taste like.  I keep telling them I taste bad but they ain’t buying it.  I got hog bit bad the other day, enough to draw blood, and then just for added fun I discovered that once they have you they shake their heads like a dog trying to rip a hunk of you off.  So basically my job is to make sure they stay alive and their job is to kill me.

they are crazy smart too.  Because standing in a pig pen all day has got to suck balls they got creative and created there very own slip and slide bowling alley.  they made a runway out of shit and urine and the pens are really long so one gets to the top and waits for about 4 pigs to stand around and then it goes tearing down the slip and slide, drops about 20 feet from the four totally oblivious pigs and sees how many it can take out.  I laughed my ass off first couple of times they did it.  they think it is hysterical.

I also have 500 old timers.  These are the ones you have to watch out for.  I have made friends with as many of them as possible.  They are unpredictable and they are also huge.  Like 300+ lbs huge.  With a mouth full of razor blades.  I have a can filled with beads that I shake when I am in their pens because I have to be in their pens and it keeps them away.  I personally think it is from when they were wild and rattle snakes were a problem because that is the sound it makes.  The old timers will be moving on soon and I l’ll either get another load of babies or teens.  Please god let it be babies.

There is a lot of stuff that goes into pig farming.  You have to constantly monitor the water, check every waterer in the barn, (there are 425 and I have to physically check each one every day) you have to make sure the feed augers are working and if they are not, because they hate me, you have to bucket feed for a billion hogs.  They are working right now, Saturday they were not and it took me almost 6 hours just to feed. Green barn auger went down because a bird somehow got in it and got itself spread out all over my  feed, my barn and my pigs.  Jammed up my auger till I eventually hit it hard enough that it fell out.  Well, what was left of it fell out.

Their are vaccinations (and just on a side note not one single pig so far has gotten autism from pig vaccine.  There are needle vaccines, water vaccines, food vaccines and I have to see to all of that.  I have to keep the barn clean which is like telling someone living in a melting house to keep the water off of the floor.

I am very serious about my biosecurity so if you are coming into my barn you are having a shower at my barn and wearing clothing that has been washed in.  your clothing stays on hooks outside of the bio zone.

It is a lot of work, which I enjoy.  I have to be on my toes all the time which is good for my brain because forgetting for a second what these can do could be disaster.  I don’t have to deal with people,  It is a seven day a week job although on weekends technically I am just supposed to make sure they have food and water.  Yeah right cuz that is how I roll.  I can always find something to do in the barn.  When the barn is finished I will have another 4 to 6 thousand hogs in it.  I see a lot of long days in my future.   and I like it here.  I think I’ll stay.

RBMD peacing the fuck out


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