An Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story.

March 10, 2015

Hai everybody. It’s me, your Dean of Fuckery/Law Professor, Queen of the Universe (I won the pageant) resident sarcasm expert and doctor of doctoring. Since the court scene basically sucks balls right now, I figured I would try and keep you entertained with an Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story. So, get your cocoa, pull up a chair and listen.

While wandering down the train tracks on one of my patented carry my computer tower and keyboard while dragging 10 million feet of cable behind me walks, I stumbled across a giant cave. It had a fence around it and a sign that said compound. I found this…odd. Now being as I am a nosy fucker who really doesn’t have a fuck to give, and because my computer tower was getting pretty fucking heavy I dumped that bitch and went to check out what was in the cave.

It was a deep, dark, gross cave. Like seriously hazmat level gross. I wandered in deeper while contemplating whether I had remembered to move that damn plane or not. Can’t have a missing plane sitting in one place for too long you know. It was as I contemplated this that I heard what can only be described as a cackling noise. Not like chicken cackling, more like the cackling of the insane. I was slightly concerned, but being the not giving a fuck sort I decided that I just had to know where it was coming from. I followed the twists and turns in the dank, horrible cave and eventually I saw a flickering light.

I crouched down and crept forward. (Hey, I might not give a fuck but there were crazy noises coming from up ahead.) I wished I had my magic flying carpet that I used to get around the world like I do. It was then that there was a tap on my shoulder. It was Renae, defender of the realm. She had followed my 10 million feet of computer cable. Get out of here she hissed at me, don’t you know where you are? Nuh uh I said, nope, no clue. This is where king Juan banished all the crazy people she told me. Wait, what? There were enough crazy people to banish. Renae shrugged. Well, there were only two but they were really fucking nuts. Oh I said, you must mean…and Renae nodded her head. Summers eve and Massegil she whispered. The douche sisters. I shuddered involuntarily as that news rocked me right to the bottom of my frozen little heart. I thought King Juan was just gonna have them beheaded I whispered back. Nah Renae said, bad PR. I totally got that. So, what do they do in here all day I asked. Hey it seemed like a reasonable question. Oh, they plot ways to bring down King Juan and yourself highness as well as your sister princess via. Man, do they fucking hate you.

I started to move closer. Renae, being the royal protector was a little pissed but she followed me cuz it was kind of her job. I peeked around a corner and what I saw confirmed that my dear old dad King Juan should have just chopped off their heads. The were standing around a barrel with a fire going in it. They were furiously going through back issues of the national enquirer looking to see if bullshit tabloid journalism had changed at all. Massengil kept grinding her teeth and muttering about HER journalist and Summers eve kept going on about how if they took part of this story and added some of that story and just flat out made some shit up the tabloid she worked for would totally print it seeing as there was no editor or anything. Then the cackled again and did a fist bump. We’ll get them they kept saying, we’ll get them all. I looked at Renae, and Renea looked at me and we both just shrugged.

We backed out the way we came and I started coiling up the 7 million feet of computer wire. Renae gathered up the computer and keyboard. Wait I said, why don’t they just come out? Renae looked at me like I’d grown a spare head. Because people would see what they really were if anyone looked long enough. I nodded. Cool I said, the cave seems like a good place for a couple of douches. Want to come help me move a plane? Renae said sure and we walked back to my totally rickety old castle and got on my magical carpet and moved the plane.

While we were on our way back from moving that goddamn plane I asked Renae what was up with Sheriff Joe? Everybody knows he hates the douche sisters, how come he hasn’t just whacked em? Renae, wise sage and protector of the realm that she is told me that Sheriff Joe was having way more fun torturing them slowly. Like how I enquired? Oh, Renae chuckled, like telling massengil that HER reporter really thinks she’s a creepy stalker (which is totally true) but still the sheriff found her foaming at the mouth reaction amusing. What about Summers eve I asked. Oh her, he’s the one that hooked her up with the tabloid so that she would have no choice but to write more and more ridiculous things in order to get those hits she so desperately needs. Next week he said he is going to tell her that Stabby escaped just to see if she prints it. Spoiler, she totally will. I was giggling furiously now. Was it sheriff Joe that told her that I’m the one who got stabby off all the way from Ontario? Nah Renae said, she thought that one up all on her own. I was laughing so hard now Renae was very close to POINTS. And the morons believe it I managed to gasp out? Nah Renae said, they are starting to realize that you don’t get exiled to a cave for being a functioning member of society. Okay, one last question Renae I said and I’ll drop you at dads castle. Shoot Renae said. What the fuckity fuck is with the hat on summers eve? Is she color blind, does she have a bald spot, is it some counter culture statement. What is the deal with the fucking hat? Oh that was sheriff Joe to Renae laughed outright. He told her it looked good. I stared at her in disbelief for a couple of seconds and then laughed so goddamn hard I almost fell off my own flying carpet. Dude I said, tell Sheriff Joe that my dad wants to invite him for dinner. Anything he wants. Maybe hasenpfeffer. Renae promised to relay the message and I decided to park my carpet and wander over to King juans Castle to let him know we’d be having company for dinner. My beautiful and talented sister Princess Via had just come in from the days hunt and it was to be hasenpfeffer indeed.  Princess Via had a hatred of rabbits bordering on the pathological so we always ate well.  Except for the ones that stepped on the land mines.

We all had a great laugh and a great meal while Renae and I shared the days adventure.

There you have it children, todays rendition of Auntie Really Big Mean Dogs Bedtime Story.

Have a great night.
RBMD peacing the fuck out!!

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Well, Now That Hell Has Frozen Over…………

September 28, 2014

Wait, what?  It’s gonna start on time?-Arizona

Hai Kids. Believe it or not, it looks like Jury selection is going to start tomorrow.…Judge…Stephens…said. I am frightened and confused by this turn of events. Nothing ever starts on time with Stabby and the Funky Bunch. She has the king of motions on her side and he has run out of motions to file………WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??????? I don’t know how to deal with this. I think I need a Prozac and a hug.

Since Judge Stephens has started the “We hate media tour” I have to bring out the in-house psychic. The in-house Psychic is not amused. Also, just in case the in-house psychic has another hissy fit about damaging her brain, we have Jen from Trial Diaries updating us on twitter. Not the same, but it is better than nothing. Seriously. It is!! Work with me here people.

I am apparently giving certain “bloggers” who shall remain nameless *cough* pig-vomit *cough* fits, and all I have to say about that is YAY!!

Since we don’t have much else to do on the eve of Stabby’s journey to the gurney (credit for that is not mine, I saw it on twitter but don’t remember who started it) I thought I would tell all of you an Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story. Grab whatever you’re drinking and pull up a chair.

Once upon a time in the land of Maricopa County Court, The wisest King to ever rule lived. King Juan was revered throughout the land as a wise and just ruler. Even outside the land of Maricopa County Court, King Juan’s heroic rule was known and loved by all. King Juan had gone to battle and beaten the evil monster Stabby. King Juan had four daughters, two sets of fraternal twins. The first set, Jen and Christine pleased King Juan and the subjects of the court when they both became brilliant journalists. There were celebrations throughout the land when they got their press credentials. Pencil and Kelly were the other set of fraternal twins. They were loved through-out the land for the truth of what they said as well as their very twisted yet hilariously funny sense of humor. No matter how sad or terrible the situation might be, Pencil and Kelly could be counted on to raise the spirits of the land with their take on the situation. The sisters all cared about each other and always had each others backs. King Juan could not have been more proud of his daughters. Every year around whatever o’clock the whole land was invited to an ice-cream party in Vegas to celebrate the rule of the wise and noble King, as well as his insanely talented and very well known children.

Unfortunately, a wicked and crazy troll named Pig-Vomit and her five dim-witted minions with one hundred and fifty email addresses also lived on the very fringe of the Maricopa County Court. Pig-Vomit very vocally despised King Juan and all of the princesses, but especially Jen and Christine. The problem was that Pig-vomit fancied herself a journalist. The fact that she could not write anything other than pure bullshit never, ever deterred her. Pig-Vomit was not especially bright, and she got it into her head that if she wrote it down and got the five dim-witted minions with one hundred and fifty emails addresses to comment on it, she was a real-timey Journalist. She named her “writings” IncoherentRamblings. She cackled maniacally at her journalistic brilliance. She had herself convinced that she was a real journalist until word of Princess Jen and Princess Christine’s real journalistic endeavors got to her. From that moment on she did nothing but write stuff that could only be described as the rantings of a lunatic and plot how to ruin the reputations of King Juan and the princesses. King Juan was not worried about his reputation at all because he knew Pig-Vomit was just a jealous used up old hag that had lost touch with reality when her spirit animal Stabby refused to acknowledge her. He, and all the subjects in the land knew that her writing was so insane that only the mentally deficient would give it a moments thought. He was however concerned for his daughters. He mentioned it to his personal guard Sir Esteban, and Sir Esteban immediately started to gather evidence against Pig-Vomit. It was fairly easy considering that Pig-Vomit just could not keep the bat-shit crazy to herself and she spewed crap all over social media. She also apparently didn’t know what a screen capture was. Sir Esteban reported all of his findings back to King Juan. King Juan was incensed at the things that Pig-Vomit was saying about his daughters. He was so angry he began to pace and snarl. Sir Esteban threw him a good boy treat and that settled him down a bit.

Once King Juan thought about it for a bit he calmed down. His subjects as well as all of the thousands of messages he had gotten from outside of the kingdom told him that the entire world knew what a crazy jealous psycho bitch pig-vomit was. Essentially the whole planet thought the bitch was nuts. King Juan also knew that the knights of the prosecution table were always watching out for them. He knew they would be safe when he made his journey into the second circle of hell to do battle with Pig-Vomit’s spirit animal Stabby. The knights, Happy, Tie, Chair, MMC, RT, Chaz, Anna, G, PIckles, CJ and several others were always with the sisters. Knight Happy was worried about Kelly and Pencil and warned Kelly to watch out when she ventured forth to post her blog each day. Kelly assured Happy that she and Pencil were okay, it was the famous sisters that Pig-Vomit was after. Happy, gather the rest of the knights of the prosecution table and look after Jen and Christine. Happy hugged princess Kelly and peaced the fuck out to find the rest of the knights.

Pig-Vomit was getting desperate. As usual, Kelly and Pencil were right, she was bent on the destruction of Jen and Christine. In her insane mind, she thought that if she could get hold of one of their press credentials, King Juan would magically love her and would grant her title of reporter of the court, as well as making her Queen of Maricopa County Court. She was getting more and more desperate. Her spirit animal Stabby would not acknowledge her for all the lies she had made up to try and get Stabby free, Jen and Christine seemed not to be even slightly bothered by the things Pig-Vomit spewed forth in her “writings”, the five dim-witted minions with one hundred and fifty email addresses were not switching identities with any enthusiasm what-so-ever and Kelly and Pencil were slowly and inexorably making her look like an even bigger idiot than she already looked like.

Pig-Vomit in a last ditch effort called one last time on the demon at the bottom of the vodka bottle. Dreat Gemon she intoned, I need to discredit all the princesses. What should I do? The Vodka Demon thought on it for a minute. Did you try making shit up about King Juan having an affair it asked. She nodded at the empty vodka bottle. How about questioning the journalistic s integrity of Jen and Christine? Pig-vomit nodded again. Did you accuse any of them of knowing the truth about your spirit animal Stabby and not telling it. Pig-Vomit nodded again. The demon was perplexed. How about prosecutorial misconduct, or have you implied that King Juan might be hiding evidence? Pig-Vomit was looking desperate now. The demon seemed to care a lot less than she thought it should, so she smacked it with a flounder and told it to pay attention. It shrugged. Have you called everybody haters? Stalked them on social media? How about trying to get your spirit animal Stabby interested by telling it that somebody is stealing her murder money and you were the one that uncovered it? Nothin’? The Demon shrugged one last time. Well, it said, I guess it sucks to be you. I gotta go, Judge Stephens has called to restock the sidebar. The Demon disappeared in a puff of smoke and Pig-Vomit realized she was alone. She shook her head and howled. In a moment of clarity she realized that the five dim-witted minions had also never existed and it had been her and her multiple personalities with one hundred and fifty different email addresses all along.

Kelly and Pencil had figured out how to deal with Pig-Vomit. Six nice men in white coats showed up at Pig-Vomits door. She was so excited to see actual men that she didn’t look outside to see the waiting paddy wagon. The gentlemen asked her if she would like to go have a nice dance lesson at the Cha-Cha Delarosa School of Dance. Pig-Vomit was trembling with excitement. One of the men offered to get her coat. She slipped it on and the man chivalrously did it up for her in the back nice and tight. They escorted her to her waiting chariot and assured her that of course they could stop for a strawberry Frappuccino on the way. Pig Vomit was quietly committed to the Sheriff Joe House of Psychiatric Hold and Indefinite Incarceration and was never heard from again. Nobody noticed she was even gone. The end.

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September 10, 2014

Oh Holy Fuck, the stupid whore’s resigning – Arizona

Oh hai everybody. It’s your favorite number one Stabby hater here with absolutely shocking news. spoiler (no one’s shocked)

In what could be yet her 9 millionth attempt at never having this trial happen, Stabby has once again reversed her decision to represent herself. Dun dun dun!! I gotta hand it to stabbykins. She is an inventive little fucker. Either that or she came out of the fog long enough to realize that Multiple personality disorder is a valid defense and she said fuck it let’s just go with that.

I know, I know you all have a bajillion questions and I may even have answers to some of them. Will it delay the trial? Odds are 9-1 against. Jenny from the Cell Block and Alfred E. have been kept on as advisory council so they have to be up to date on where she was going with this
Why the hell is Cha Cha Delarosa who is supposed to be her mitigation advisor tweeting all over the fucking place? 7-3 for Stabby made her do it.

Will Lisa now actually go and have an ice cream party in Las Vegas? 50/50. My theory is this always was meant to generate income for Lisa and the rest of the troglodytes mentioned in that phone call so I’m betting for. By the way, we are all invited. See. Lisa's icecream party

How does Juan feel about all this? Nobody knows, he can’t stop laughing long enough to answer.

How does Alfed E. Nurmi feel about this? He’s already been seen headed for an all you can eat buffet.

So we can now expect a fourth defense of “my other personalities made me do it” or she will have one of her council whacked to delay the trial again.

Stay tuned kids, it’s gonna be a loooooong night I think. And I’ve got Pistorius to deal with sometime tonight. *sigh* pass the gravol and the Stabby strength Tylenol.

The Magical Thinking of Stabby Einstein. An Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story

September 7, 2014

Well, hello chirruns, pull up a chair and let Auntie really big mean dog tell you all a story about the Magical thinking of Stabby Einstein.

Once upon a time in the second circle of hell there lived a violent sociopath named Stabby Einstein. Now Stabby Einstein was what we like to call a special kind of fucked, both literally and figuratively. Ohhh look at me using big words. Sorry, I digress. Stabby Einstein was the smartest, prettiest, most talented person in her own head. She decided one day that with her powers of superior intellect and a hell of a good show she could pretty much get whatever it was that she wanted. Envisioning what she wanted she first came up with a dude old enough to be her Grand Da but hey she wanted a house and with her powers of magical thinking and some really good anal, poof a house magically appeared. She hadn’t quite figured out how to disappear Grand Da once the house appeared but hey she thought, maybe magical thinking and a really good show only works in forward.

With that firmly in mind she went forward. From one magical low paying job to another. Sometimes two at a time. How magical. Then she discovered pre-paid legal and she decided that with her Einstein like mind and her magical powers she should be rich in no time. Well, one cannot be rich if they don’t look the part, so she took her magical mortgage payment money and once again using her powers turned it into a pair of fake tits. My gosh Stabby girl she thought to herself, this magical thinking shit really works. I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe I can have it and it will be mine.

Stabby Einstein was invited to the ball at pre-paid legal but her evil Grand Da/ fuck buddy didn’t want her to go. Stabby was sad. She decided to go anyway. There she met her prince charming Travis. She was transfixed. I must have him she said with a wicked cackle and started magically thinking it so that it would happen. She turned her magical wonder holes into a relationship with Travis. Holy shit it worked again, and this time she had the extra added bonus of figuring out how to get rid of stuff she no longer wanted. Once Grand Da Brewer discovered that the magical holes he thought were his were being plugged up by someone else, he peaced the fuck out and good thing too because he might be buried with Jimmy Hoffa otherwise.

Stabby now having figured out most of the kinks (ha, I said kinks and it stays) in her magical thinking proceeded to lure Travis with promises of even more perverse sexual acts than previously promised. Bondage? Sure. Anal? Oh yes please. Insertions of various forms of candy in various holes? Absolutely. Blindfolds? Check. Farm animals? Not off the table. Because she knew even with her superior intellect she was never going to have Travis unless she magically put a spell on him via her magical fake tits and all of her orifices she decided it was pretty much anything goes.

Stabby’s magical thinking worked for a while. She was getting boned by a really hot dude on a regular basis and of course she was willing him to marry her. The problem was the magic wasn’t working this time. Stabby Einstein thought and thought. Ah ha she said one night (she was prone to having entire conversations with herself so this was actually not a big deal) it’s the religion thing. He actually seriously believes in his Mormon god, therefor I must magically become a Mormon and than surely he will marry me. She was very excited to tell Travis that she wanted to become a Mormon and she silently thought that magical underclothes could not hurt along with all the rest of her magic. She became Mormon and was magically transformed. Surely now her prince would marry her. It was however not to be. Travis had seen through the facade of Stabby Einstein and he wanted nothing to do with her. He realized he had only ever been interested in her because she had absolutely no qualms about doing ANYTHING in the bedroom and she was dumb enough to not realize that sex does not equal love. Price Travis wanted someone he could love and respect and Stabby Einstein was not that woman. He broke it off and Stabby was stunned. And mad. Don’t forget mad, it’s important later.

Travis felt so much lighter when he broke it off with her, but his dick had a mind of it’s own and it missed being stuffed into something on a regular basis. Sadly one night Travis decided that friends with benefits might not be a bad idea. It was. He realized it quickly and told Stabby Einstein that she had to go.

Stabby moved back to Yreka but she never ever ever stopped thinking about Prince Travis and the fact that even with her strongest magic she could not make this one thing so. It slowly began to eat at any semblance of sanity that was at this point resideing in her earthly body. Stabby started thinking that she had been done wrong by prince Travis and she slowly put her magical thinking into action one last time and hit upon a foolproof plan to get even with Prince Travis.

First, she magically made her Grand Da’s (her real one, not the one she was boning earlier in the story) .25 caliber handgun disappear. Next, Stabby Einstein planned a trip to see some dude. She then went to a rental car company and rented a car. She had it magically changed from red to white. She went to the Grand da she’d previously been boning and traded him a DVD player for a couple of gas cans. She was pleased with the way things were working out so far. Still, she needed a magical disguise. She turned her platinum hair magically brown and was on her way. She filled up the gas cans in California and just to be sure she had enough she stopped at Walmart and bought another can. She was now ready to enact her magical plan of revenge.

She drove to Travis’ house. Her cell phone magically stopped working so nobody could tell where she was until it magically turned back on later. She went to see Prince Travis one last time. Poor Prince Travis never saw what was coming. She was offering up free cooch and he was just a mortal man after all. They banged a couple of times and then she tricked him into the shower with talk of a photo shoot. As Prince Travis was in the shower two Ninja’s magically appeared and holy shit one of them had made Grand da Einsteins gun re-appear. The other Ninja had made a knife materialize. Who the fuck even knew that ninjas could do David Copperfield shit. Not this story teller.

Anyway, Stabby Einstein wasn’t mad at poor Prince Travis anymore, she did everything she could to save him but then the Ninjas got her. With a mighty burst of magical strength she bull dogged the female ninja and crawled over to Travis. Travis was only concerned for his true love Stabby Einstein and he told her to get out and get help because he couldn’t move and he wanted her to live. She was trying to escape when the Ninjas caught her. They argued about whether to kill Stabby or not and they decided to do it. Stabby started thinking magical thoughts like she had never thought before and her magic worked one last time and the gun refused to fire, so instead of using the knife or some other weapon, the ninja’s decided to let her go.

Stabby drove and drove and drove until she was in the desert. She had no recollection of how she got there or what had happened. She looked down and saw some blood on her hands and immediately wondered who she had murdered. She had no memory of Prince Travis, or the Ninja’s or anything. So badly was her memory damaged she called Prince Travis to see if he wanted to come visit her later in the year. She decided she might as well just carry on to her next hook up so she did. They got all touchy feely, they went out for dinner and then Stabby Einstein went back home to Yreka where she returned the rental car which had some weird Kool-Aid stain in it, but she magically thought again and the dude at the rent a car place cleaned it for her. What a nice man, maybe she’d thank you fuck him later.

After that she was magically arrested. The police who had absolutely no idea how magical thinking worked, refused to believe her about the Ninja’s and she rotted in jail till the day her trial started.

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Varmt News Network

It's the Internet.


Just another site

Asleep in Left Field-My Life

4 out of 5 Friends recommend this site

Out in left field

(Totally fictional) Drama Queen Stories


sometimes, there are monsters walking amongst us