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Her Majesty Queen Kelly Of The New Town She Lives In And The Case Of The Haunted Pig Barn.

October 30, 2018

Hello my lovelies, your queen has finally calmed herself enough to tell you about the apparently haunted barn that I work in.

Now, your Queen is not prone to hysterics of any kind and I have a cold hard rock for a heart so things just do not frighten me.  It irks people that I am so unflappable.  I have walked down to the barn in the pitch black to check to make sure I did something, I pay zero attention to the weird noises that just randomly sound from  out of no where.  When the mice come calling, I catch them and let them go.  I certainly don’t jump up on a desk and scream.  I’m talking to you Carey.

So yesterday I went into the barn as per usual and walked into a laundry room underneath two feet of water.  So I sloshed through it to get my barn boots and discovered that there was also a puddle of water directly in the middle of my office.  This was decidedly strange because it was just there.  There was no leak line from under the wall, no water trail, just a puddle in the middle of the office.

So, not being a hysterical person I took a picture and cleaned it up which took the better part of two hours, that is how much water there was.  I assumed the washing machine had come unlocked somehow and that is how the water got there.  I had a load in when I left the barn the night before.  I cursed myself resoundingly for leaving a load of laundry going when I left and left it at that.  My stupidity.  I finished my days work, checked to make sure there was no laundry going and went inside for the night.  I had had a long day and didn’t go out and check the barn that night and hind sight being 20/20 I should have.

I walked in this morning to a worse mess than I had on Monday and I was furious.  It is so much wasted time to have to clean it up.  It was exactly the same.  And I was PISSED.  I’m like “seriously, what the actual fuck.” We are talking about enough water for two hours at least worth of work, never mind all the shit that got we or ruined or both.  I texted the boss of all bosses to apprise him of the situation and carried on about my day the whole time turning over an over in my head how this was happening.  The answer was obvious.  Ghosts.  Ghosts were fucking with me.  I figured I was setting a bad example as a queen if I didn’t at least try and catch the fucking thing. So I did all my regular work for the day and proceeded to wait for senor Ghost to make an appearance.  So I double checked that the machine was empty and I closed the door and made sure it was closed.  I waited, I did paperwork and watched some law and order off of my thumb drive while waiting.  In hindsight once I caught it I would have probably have been truly fucked.  Ghosts are mostly not friendly from what I hear.

Then when I was just about to give up, I heard it.  The washing machine which is a front loader by the way clicked and the door opened and about 5 gallons of water spilled out with no end in sight.  I immediately turned all the water to the machine off, and cursing resoundingly yet again I got the fucking mop.  I told that washer where exactly I was going to stick that broom if it didn’t knock it off and I told the laundry demon to depart right now or he was getting the other end of the mop.

So it would seem that the check valve that lets water in when you are doing laundry has gone tits up and it just lets water in whether the machine is doing a load of laundry or not.  So, I asked the machine politely if it would like to be crushed and turned into a waffle iron and told the demon I had no problem turning him into one as well.  After that I turned off all the water and waited some more.  After an hour I decided that the washing machine demon had departed.  It is probably living in my toaster now.  I will find out next time I make toast.  If I get devil faces I guess I know where it went.

In some actual real news, Robert Durst is going to have to stand trial for the murder of his friend and hopefully for his wife as well although she was not mentioned  in the news that I watched.  That trial I am going to cover for two reasons.  Firstly, this woman deserves some justice and Secondly because Robert Durst is completely off of his nut and I love crazy people trials.

That’s it for tonight

RBMD peacing the fuck out

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Fun With Pig Farming

October 29, 2018

Hello my lovelies.  Your Queen has decided to get down and dirty, like really fucking dirty and do normal people shit instead of eating crumpets in the tower.  Oh almost forgot the rest of my CV so sorry.  Horse whisperer, dog lactation consultant, puppy resuscitation expert, lover of all things four legged, and I get three new titles today, savior of dying pigs, royal sovereign of making the stupid fucking auger work and by proclamation of someone that is a way higher paygrade than me, producer of some exceptional swine.

Pigs are fun.  In a Michael Myers/Freddy Kruger/Jason Vorheese type of way.  If you don’t know just google it.  The babies get sick a lot, it is unfortunately unavoidable, and if they are salvageable they have to get antibiotics. It  can’t be avoided and they start to resent the needles they get a hundred or so times a day.  I caught one trying to stuff himself under a feeder when he saw me coming.  But baby pigs are manageable.  See, they are too short to reach above the top of your boots to bite you.  And they really, really want to bite you.  I have 2400 babies.  That are all waiting to get bigger so they can eat me.

Then I have the, we will call them teenagers.  Remember how much fun a 17 year old with an attitude is.  Now put that on four legs with a battering ram head and about a million teeth.  And they will try and hit you at the back of the knees to knock you down.  You do not EVER want to go down in a hog pen.  If you make it out you are going to be seriously fucked up.  Anyway, part of my job is to walk the pens of the teens every day and make sure nobody is down or sick or just being a general dick to the other pigs.  There are exactly 1000 of them divided into 6 pens so there are a lot of pigs per pen.  And the thing they want most in life is to see what I taste like.  I keep telling them I taste bad but they ain’t buying it.  I got hog bit bad the other day, enough to draw blood, and then just for added fun I discovered that once they have you they shake their heads like a dog trying to rip a hunk of you off.  So basically my job is to make sure they stay alive and their job is to kill me.

they are crazy smart too.  Because standing in a pig pen all day has got to suck balls they got creative and created there very own slip and slide bowling alley.  they made a runway out of shit and urine and the pens are really long so one gets to the top and waits for about 4 pigs to stand around and then it goes tearing down the slip and slide, drops about 20 feet from the four totally oblivious pigs and sees how many it can take out.  I laughed my ass off first couple of times they did it.  they think it is hysterical.

I also have 500 old timers.  These are the ones you have to watch out for.  I have made friends with as many of them as possible.  They are unpredictable and they are also huge.  Like 300+ lbs huge.  With a mouth full of razor blades.  I have a can filled with beads that I shake when I am in their pens because I have to be in their pens and it keeps them away.  I personally think it is from when they were wild and rattle snakes were a problem because that is the sound it makes.  The old timers will be moving on soon and I l’ll either get another load of babies or teens.  Please god let it be babies.

There is a lot of stuff that goes into pig farming.  You have to constantly monitor the water, check every waterer in the barn, (there are 425 and I have to physically check each one every day) you have to make sure the feed augers are working and if they are not, because they hate me, you have to bucket feed for a billion hogs.  They are working right now, Saturday they were not and it took me almost 6 hours just to feed. Green barn auger went down because a bird somehow got in it and got itself spread out all over my  feed, my barn and my pigs.  Jammed up my auger till I eventually hit it hard enough that it fell out.  Well, what was left of it fell out.

Their are vaccinations (and just on a side note not one single pig so far has gotten autism from pig vaccine.  There are needle vaccines, water vaccines, food vaccines and I have to see to all of that.  I have to keep the barn clean which is like telling someone living in a melting house to keep the water off of the floor.

I am very serious about my biosecurity so if you are coming into my barn you are having a shower at my barn and wearing clothing that has been washed in.  your clothing stays on hooks outside of the bio zone.

It is a lot of work, which I enjoy.  I have to be on my toes all the time which is good for my brain because forgetting for a second what these can do could be disaster.  I don’t have to deal with people,  It is a seven day a week job although on weekends technically I am just supposed to make sure they have food and water.  Yeah right cuz that is how I roll.  I can always find something to do in the barn.  When the barn is finished I will have another 4 to 6 thousand hogs in it.  I see a lot of long days in my future.   and I like it here.  I think I’ll stay.

RBMD peacing the fuck out


A Change Of Fortunes

October 27, 2018

Hello my loyal subjects, tis me, your wayward queen back for some startling news updates.

So in a nutshell I don’t do people.  I am agoraphobic (and yes I know most of you know), and Have severe PTSD and Battered spouse syndrome (and again I know most of you know.

I got extremely depressed about the house maybe being taken and went way into my head for a bit.  I find interesting things there sometimes and I found me a doozy this time.  I can work with animals, actually went to school for it.  Animal Sciences for the win.

Just for shits and giggles I applied for a job at a pig farm that was not supposed to start till December as support staff.  So I got an email back asking if I was aware of that and said yes and asked how many people worked there and when I was told I was shocked at the amount of people and was about to politely nope out when she says how would you feel about running a swine farm elsewhere.  I asked if anyone else worked there and they said nope, nuh uh, it would just be me till the barn was full then I could hire someone or they would provide someone my choice according to my contract.

I know a lot about Swine.  Swine helped pay for my house actually.  There are a lot of new diseases than there were in the 80’s and 90’s but it is basically same shit different day.  So I said I would interview.  I took a Lot of anti-anxiety medication for that interview.

I was genuinely pleased to meet to of the nicest people you could just randomly meet.  I gave them the rundown of what I know about pigs, about dealing with the government, about rules and regulations and I thought it went well.  Then they asked if I wanted to see the farm and of course I did so we went.  45 minutes from my house to here.  they had weaners in the barn already so somebody was having to make two trips a day to check on them.  I thought the interview went well, I was a little concerned because everything in the barn was built for tall people and I’m 4’11.  I need a stick to reach some of the light switches.  Plus I’m sure the thought of how I was going to move a 200kg downer crossed their minds.  I’m brilliant that is how.

It was between me and another guy and I assumed they would go with the guy just because more muscle and he was way taller than me.

I have to tell you, I cried when they called and told me they would love to offer me the position.  I could not say yes fast enough.  Oh and the job comes with a house.  An enormous house.  so I just walk outside to my work every day.

Got everything moved finally, got a bin for the garbage and for the roofing shingles that are coming off next week so the roof can be done, then I am renovating the house I own and selling it to pay my back taxes and  investing the rest.

the work is very physical and I am tired and sore and you have not lived until you have been hog bitten.  That really hurts.  I have also cut myself on a piece of metal inside a feeder and gotten more rips and tears in my skin than I care to count and it is all worth it.

Farming is in my blood and even when I hate it I love it.

Love and miss you all

RBMD peacing the fuck out


So This Is How My Day Went

July 31, 2018

https://www.gofundme.com/xax925-i039m-going-to-lose-my-house&rcid=r01-153299710225-ec72964758344207&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

I got a deferral which means they will let it get to 20000 before they seize it so as long as I can keep it below that I get to keep my house.  Please everybody, please share my go fund me on your facebook pages or wherever you hang out.  I do not have anywhere to go if I lose this house.  Please if you can, help me out even just by sharing the go fund me.  Thank you.

RBMD peacing the fuck out


Due to my ex being non-compliant I am in Huge trouble with the County. Please Help Me If You Can

July 30, 2018

https://www.gofundme.com/xax925-i039m-going-to-lose-my-house&rcid=r01-153299710225-ec72964758344207&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

I am in arrears at close to 17000, yes you read that right.  I am terrified they are going to take my house if I can’t at least show I’m attempting to pay it.  I don’t make enough for things like property tax or house repairs  or food half the time.  If you can donate anything I would appreciate it and if you can’t I appreciate that too.  I would not be here begging for help if I didn’t need it.  I am embarrassed beyond words.  This is not my proudest moment.

That’s it.  Please help me if you can.

RBMD Peacing the fuck out


ADVENTURES IN REALLYBIGMEANDOG LAND

July 3, 2018

Hello my intrepid readers.  It is currently 1040 in the am.  I know this because I’ve been awake since about 340 in the am.  I’m sure I dozed but you get the picture right?  No you don’t, don’t even try to get the picture.  This house is pandemonium at 340 am.  Hutch thinks he might have heard or possibly seen a man with an ax or some shit outside in the dark through a lit window so he goes insane.  Stars has his back so she starts.  Ted E. who really wants to be a big dog and has the weirdest baratone voice for a dog that size I have ever heard literally shakes you out of bed.  The cats just look bored.  So I get up because you know, it could be an ax murderer except it isn’t.  It’s a bunny.  There is a bunny on my fucking lawn at 340 in the morning and every dog in the house needs me to know this. So I thank them for saving me from the bunny and go back to bed.  HA, my mistake you see because bunnies come back.  After an hour of this fun little game I banish all dogs to their respective furniture with promises of death and throw rugs if they wake me up again.  So when I get killed by an ax wielding maniac I did it to myself cuz I told my dogs to shut the fuck up.

 

RBMD peacing the fuck out


The State Of The Shelter Address

December 24, 2017

Hello my lovelies, it is your most loyal queen here for the annual Christmas eve State of The Shelter Address.

It has certainly been one for the books, and will be.  What with the cheeto in chief trying to start a war, earth falling apart, new animals on the extinction list, more working poor than ever before, and the spin on fucking EVERYTHING trump related would make Linda Blairs head come clean off.

I myself have had a very up and down year as have many of you.  It is weird, in a good way how often our tribulations are similar.  It’s good that way because the sister and brotherhood of the lets save all the unwanted animals from evil doers, can always help each other.

The best thing about 2017 is that 2018 has GOT to be better.  I think we may have hit rock bottom as a species, as a planet, as our little particle of dust in the universe.  Rock. Fucking. Bottom.  Unless of course they really do release a zombie virus to weed out all the old, sick and poor, which at this point I don’t even remotely believe doesn’t exist.  Either that or an actual real purge will become an annual event.  That also would not shock me.

Bunker is real and ready by the way.  The rich can suck it if they think I’m going down without a very serious fight.

The thing I find more amusing than any other thing is math.  They are called the 1 percenters for a reason.  So, either no one can do math or we are all just too chicken shit to say fuck this noise enough already.  I’m not buying your shit, I don’t need that shiny thing whatever it may be.  You’d be amazed at how fast the one percent became a no percent if we started to do shit like that.

My son broke his hand this week.  And due to our evil socialist medical system it cost 20 dollars to get him x-rayed and casted.  God, our medical system sucks.  One of my American friends told me you are all one serious accident away from bankruptcy and that is sad.  except for the one percent who really don’t have a fuck to give.

I hope you are all as well as you can be in your respective situations.  I am okay all things being relative.

I wish peace and happiness to all of you this holiday season and a new year that is better than the old one.

RBMD peacing the fuck out


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Asleep in Left Field-My Life

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Out in left field

(Totally fictional) Drama Queen Stories

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Varmt News Network

It's the Internet.

peskyvarmt

Just another WordPress.com site

Asleep in Left Field-My Life

4 out of 5 Friends recommend this WordPress.com site

Out in left field

(Totally fictional) Drama Queen Stories

CALLS FOR JUSTICE

sometimes, there are monsters walking amongst us