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Stabby Is a Saint…So Says Stabby.

December 1, 2014

 

OMGLOLROFLMAO-Arizona

Hai everybody. Hope you are all well. I would like to take this opportunity to let you know that I have been declared Queen by PV. PV declares me queen. SEE!!!!

I don’t know where Mean is, but I am Queen of that region now. All Hail HRM Queen Kelly. YAY!!

As you all know, today was a down day in Maricopa County Court because why not! I figured I was going to be writing a blog about something else. Stabby being the altruistic um…thing  that she is, and obviously aware of my sadness over not being able to continue to point out exactly how full of shit she is, had this written just so that I could indeed continue to point out how full of shit she is.

Stabby is a saint!!

Here is what appeared on some site that is run for Stabby. Unfortunately, whoever was taking shorthand didn’t do a very good job, I decided to fix it for her. Consider it MY charitable act of the day. My corrections will appear in bold italics.

Here’s an interesting (I dunno, just put in some Einstein-y sounding word here) dichotomy: Sheriff Joe, who is a purported proponent of charity, prohibits acts of charity among the inmates in his charge.(That is actually a bald faced lie, Sheriff Joe does not allow the passing of commissary because it is usually used in payment for something like drugs or crayons, or things to hide in my wonder holes.) It’s a rule—one I recently broke. I gave food to someone(so I could grab some more press making myself look wholesome and good, bwahahahahaha I wonder which of the idiots will buy that) who was hungry. It wasn’t much(because why give away a bunch of good stuff when a little thing will do the same job,) just a snack. Of course, this doesn’t make me a saint(OMG LOL I don’t believe I am actually getting someone to write that) (not that there would be any confusion—many misguided(no they’re not, but don’t tell them) souls believe I’m the devil incarnate). Who wouldn’t spare a little food for someone who was hungry?(Well, normally I wouldn’t, but Hello.  Sympathy vote ) No brainer there.

Yet true to the adage “No good deed goes unpunished,” my random act of(using someone else to my advantage) kindness resulted in “restriction,” meaning no phone calls (except legal) and no canteen. The latter is where the crux of the irony lies. I chose( to break a rule that I was very aware was in place because rules don’t apply to me)  to give food to someone who was hungry, and for that I was punished(in the exact same way that every other prisoner is) by being made to go hungry(that is totally not true, we all know it is a human rights violation to withhold food, I just don’t like nutri-loaf. Put that in anyway, most of the idiots will believe whatever I say)—on Thanksgiving, no less. For(using another inmate to get myself some press) giving. Because my giving was in violation of a rule that at first blush seems absurd.

The rule was not created arbitrarily, however. Some inmates pass weapons or drugs. Others(and by others I mean me) use canteen as currency, offering it as payment for pills, tattoos, and other unmentionables. Almost invariably, a fight breaks out on canteen day over someone failing to pay their debt(which is yet another reason I am very happy that I pulled this off.)  You wouldn’t believe the drama that can escalate over a 75-cent bag of chips.  The rule was put in place to curtail, if only somewhat successfully, security risks such as these, not to keep hungry people hungry.  But rather than split hairs and run the risk of showing bias, (don’t tell them that a jail is not a democracy and rules are rules) it’s a blanket rule that applies equally to everyone in theory, not so much in practice. (Not really but that  makes it sound like I have been centered out for punishment without saying it).

Well, I can’t let someone(that I can use to my advantage) go hungry if I’m in a position to help. I just can’t. I don’t like feeling hungry, do you? (actually, I don’t like feeling horny and I need to eat to compensate.)  I love (taking it up the ass) food.  I’m munching on a green apple as I write this.  (Wait, maybe don’t put that because they will realize that my punishment was not in any way severe) Does this justify my breaking a rule? (Of course it doesn’t, but I’m Stabby Einstein so I can whine if I want too.) That would depend on whom you’re asking. Any officer with the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office (MCSO), if going on the record, would tell you that breaking a rule, even one classified as “minor,” such as in this case, is never justified. Writer Martha Beck (who has nothing to do with this but the quote makes me sound all noble and shit) offers us a different perspective. In this quote, she very eloquently explains the state of my heart:

If everyone kept all the rules, we’d still be practicing cherished traditions like child marriage, slavery, and public hangings. The way humans become humane is by assessing from the heart, rather than the rule book, where the justice of a situation lies. Sometimes, (like whenever I can use it to my advantage) you have to break the rules around you in order to keep the rules within you—my emphasis.

I’m not (OMG YES I AM.  Hope everyone forgets that I was growing pot, and hurt a dog, and killed a guy in cold blood) a ruler-breaker by nature, but I sometimes go against the grain, even when it chafes. As the reality settled in that my giving in this instance would not lead to receiving (like it did when I’d say give a blowie or some good anal), as karmic law says it should, but would lead to a loss(like that time when I missed out on cinnabon,) the seeming poetic justice gave me pause. It was like anti-karma.

The Hearing Sergeant(who I would totally let finger bang me in exchange for a sharpie) came to see me about the incident two days later, just as SRT (Special Response Team) was picking me up for court. Half-jokingly, one of the officers asked me, (are you ever going to figure out that YOU don’t make the rules) “What have you learned from this situation?” I’m sure this wasn’t the answer they were expecting, (and it is totally not what I said, but it makes me sound good doesn’t it?) but the lesson was clear: “No charitable acts at Estrella.”

– Stabby Einstein.

I hope she appreciates the effort I put in to fixing a very obviously erroneous post. She should fire whoever is running that site.

In other news, Alfred E has filed motioned number eleventy billion to have the death penalty removed since her mitigation witnesses don’t want to testify in open court. Isn’t that…odd. Three people, and not one of them is willing to testify in open court. Wonder if they might be worried that someone who knows they are lying may come forward to say they are lying. Court Chatter got the scoop on one, Marc McGee. Here is the link to Court Chatter http://www.courtchatter.com/2014/12/jodi-arias-another-mystery-witness.html?spref=tw
I have seen posts by someone going by the name of Marc McGee who has been posting for over a year on Facebook. In one he said to paraphrase that Stabby already killed a guy and did Juan want to be the guy trying to kill her? He is very obviously in love with being the center of attention. Other witnesses are allegedly Matt McCartney and a former co-worker.

That is it for right now. Really Big Mean Dog peacing the fuck out.

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The Stabby Arias Penalty Phase Retrial-The Suffering In Silence Edition

November 25, 2014

I know I have said it before but; AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!-Arizona

Hai everybody. Been a minute hasn’t it? I have emailed Jim Blackburn about 6 times now and he keeps promising me as soon as he can get to it he will and I don’t want to keep bugging him so I guess we will wait on the Jeffrey(the hippies did it)McDonald story.

Sorry about last night, windstorm was crazy and I had no power for just about ever. I did get the generator out long enough to leave a post here but I don’t know if everybody saw it. So, yeah no power, no blog. The only downside to living in the middle of buttfuck nowhere is you are hooped when stuff like that happens. Oh and just as an aside, generators are heavy as fuck.

I have a question for all y’all in the states? WTF are they putting in your water and shit? Holy. I did not have the internet last night because we had a huge wind storm and it knocked the power out. I get up this morning and Ferguson is on fire. Jesus Christ people. You know what? I get that people are angry, and frustrated, and probably filled with rage. What I don’t get; trashing stores that are owned by members of the community, lighting cop cars on fire that y’all get to pay for out of your tax money, and fighting against people that have BULLETS and shit. I watched for about 2 minutes and turned it off. What does this accomplish exactly? It is not going to bring that boy back and it sure as shit isn’t going to make the police less likely to shoot the next one and that whether or not you like it is just a fact. And for all us white folks out there. I think it’s nice and all you are showing solidarity, I truly do. But damn, don’t pretend like you understand what is going through your African American friends/neighbors/spouses soul, because unless somebody owned a member of your family and once that was over you were treated like you were livestock you just don’t. No matter how much you sympathize, you cannot, will not, EVER, understand the rage. It is like being non-Jewish and saying you understand what the Holocaust survivors went through. It is a patently ridiculous statement.

So Stabby. We started the day waiting for sometimes Judge Stephens and watching Nurmi google Alfred E. Nurmi and his reaction to what popped up. Either that or surfing twitter to check on those damn Jurors who might be using social media.

Sometimes Judge Stephens eventually showed up, Great Nana Dr. Sexpert was back on the stand and Juan, well Juan was about as mad as he has ever been. Three darts, and a half a box of good boy treats later, he was almost calm enough to get up and start cross examining. Almost.

He leaped up with a snarl and went immediately for Dr. Sexperts Jugular area. He started by asking about sexual practices and Stabby shaving the gaping opening to hell. He wanted to know if the fact that she went bald as a cue-ball was important to her? Great Nana Dr. Sexpert, who you will totally see before this is over has no bias what so ever (OMGLOLROFLMAO) said yes. Juan was on fucking fire. He wanted to know if what she was saying was that Stabby baring the curtains had to do with Travis. Great Nana Dr. Sexpert definitely seemed to be insinuating that but when confronted with the question head on said she didn’t know how Stabby groomed herself (BRB gotta find the Pretoria puke bucket) prior to this. Juan was determined to run this “expert” to ground today. Why didn’t you ask if she did this before? Are u saying this practice is so unique to Stabby and Travis that this was worth considering? She said that that wasn’t what she was saying but it totally was. The pitbull asked her if she did consider this though and she had to answer yes. Holy shit getting a straight answer out of this chick is like getting a bong out of Jenny From the Cell Blocks hands. FUCK!! And with that we were welcomed to sidebar number one of the day. Nurms is NOT amused.

Back from the sidebar, Great Nana Dr. Sexpert threw on her tri-focals and started to read a document while bitching about having to read said document, say it with me now, CONTEMPERANEOUSLY. She felt pressure to read the entire document to which I say, um aren’t things like the oh, I don’t know, DETAILS of the document kind of important? The pit bull said he was just trying to refresh her memory which I though was genius because it intimated that Great Nana Dr. Sexpert may have a memory problem. Hint, she doesn’t she just never read the fucking file unless the paragraph started “Stabby Said.” She went over the document and Juan said it was Matt that wanted to break up with Stabby and moved to get away from her. Great Nana isn’t having anyone dissing her Stabby and says she understood it that Matt cheated and they broke up. Juan then wanted to know if it maybe wasn’t just a little aggressive of Stabby to drive to confront Bianca, the chick that Matt was banging by this time. Dr. Sexpert actually kept a straight face while she said “nope, nuh uh, this is how every normal person acts.” Juan then said Stabby wasn’t suffering in silence at that time, was she? Great Nana Dr. Sexpert says this was a different relationship than Travis, which doesn’t really answer the question. Just sayin. She says she suffered in silence only with Travis. The pitbull was still on full roar and dart number 4 was deployed. The sarcasm dripping from his fangs he said “So you’re saying this suffering in silence skipped over Bobby, skipped over Matt, skipped over Darryl & landed right on Travis? Dr. Sexpert says she wouldn’t use the term skip over. (If she gets Juan to define something, I’m out!) Juan gave the expert a refresher course on the trials and tribulations of Stabby and her live ex-boyfriends aaaaaaaand sidebar number 2. We came back and the pitbull asked if she was refreshed as to the break ups. She said it described them but she doesn’t recall. Juan gently tells Great Nana Dr. Sexpert that she testified to specifics and she said “I don’t recall.” Juan got that quizzical look that all great dogs get when they are trying to figure something out and gently reminded her that she said it involved the computer. She said “I don’t recall.” Juan suddenly knew what was happening. That damn fog had rolled back in. He tested his theory. Isn’t it true Darryl tried to break up with Stabby and she’d have none of that? She said “I don’t recall he’d have none of it.” I’m starting to wonder if Great Nana Dr. Sexpert has dementia setting in. Either that or she watched all six seasons of OZ as a refresher course on how to testify. (HBO show from the late 90’s-early 2000’s. Google it.) Dr. Sexpert also could not recall when Stabby and Travis started to date, or her moving to seaside.

Juan got bored and moved on to more suffering in silence. He wanted to know if Stabby was suffering in silence when she went through Travis’ phone. Dr. Sexpert said no, that the suffering in silence came after. (BARF!) Someone remind me to send Mi’lady a Christmas card for sending me the puke bucket. Juan said that even when Stabby suspected that he was seeing other women she stayed in the relationship because she wanted to go on trips. Dr. Sexpert says that she kept that information to herself for a while. He brought up the balloon festival trip and Nurms suddenly woke the fuck up and brought up sidebar number 3.

And we were back and then back to the sidebar for number 4. Back again and Juan brought up the fact that they only dated for several months. Juan says that within two weeks of the break-up she moved from California to Arizona and the totally not biased at all Dr. Sexpert said “well, it’s not like they lived in the same ward or community.” Jesus if MY eyes rolled any harder they would be bouncing jauntily across the fucking room. The pitbull asks if that is pretty assertive? Dr. Sexpert counters that they had an ongoing sexual relationship. Well that isn’t suffering in silence is it? the pitbull roared.

Juan asked about Stabby playing peek a boo while Travis was making out with a woman. The still TOTALLY objective Dr. Sexpert said “well, she needed her social security card to which I say, What?” Juan asked the good ole’ Dr. Sexpert if peeping in someones windows is suffering in silence? Anyone see a theme here? Juan asked, “she won’t leave him alone will she?” Dr. Sexpert at least conceded that maybe Stabby was a little intrusive.

There was a 15 minute break and next we got to talked about being closeted and nope it’s not what you think. Apparently, the relationship that no longer existed and was just banging because like I have said a billion times, if some chick is throwing it around the guy is going to grab it, was “closeted.” It was closeted because Travis didn’t take out a half page add in the local paper that he was butt banging Stabby. when it was brought up that Stabby wasn’t running around telling the whole world she was banging Travis that was apparently different somehow because why the fuck not.

Stabby was looking kind of forlorn after lunch, but not Juan. Juan was looking…like the tranquilizer was wearing off. You are required to be informed and objective when you review materials but in this case you haven’t been objective, RIGHT? Dr. Sexpert said she used data points to keep it objective.

Next up was a chat log between Stabby and Travis which Great Nana Dr. Sexpert called a five hour rant. It was 2hrs and 10sec and Juan was all over her like she was a porterhouse steak. “You wanted to make this seem like Travis was out of control didn’t you?” snarled the mighty pitbull. “You were wrong on the time weren’t you? You went ahead and made a wrong statement to the jury.” Juan was in full attack mode now and Flores calmly put the attack suit on just in case he had to pole catch the ranting pit. 5 hours sure seems more impactful doesn’t it? He roared. And you also said the chat log was 16 pages when it was only twelve. You are supposed to be accurate right? Great Nana Dr. Sexpert said yes but the chat was formatted where it could be 16 pages to which once again I say WHAT? It is 12 pages or it is 16. It cannot be both.

We moved on to Dan Freeman and his sister and the trip they all took together. Juan said Travis wasn’t hiding her from his friends right? They went on trips together and when they got in an argument and Travis said something Stabby came right back didn’t she? That is not suffering in silence RIGHT? Juan then pointed out that Great Nana Dr. Sexpert said she had made an assessment of Travis to which she said no, it was more of an observation. The pitbull of course refused to back the fuck up and said “you made an assessment, a diagnosis out of this. Just what you said you aren’t doing right?” Next we got to define Assessment and I was about to quit this bitch like I said, but Juan was done and I figured I might as well see how much Nurmi did damage control for a bit. During that time we got another run down of Dr. Sexperts CV, the fact that sex sells and we shouldn’t be distracted and that she felt the state was insinuating that she was unethical and they mischaracterized her testimony. HINT No he didn’t. He didn’t insinuate a damn thing. He made it crystal fucking clear that is what he thought.

We are now recessed until December 2 2014. #giftfrombabyjesus

There you have it my lovelies you are now up to date on the never ending trial. RBMD peacing the fuck out!!

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The Stabby Arias Penalty Phase Re-trial – The “I Fought The Law And The Law Won” Edition

November 4, 2014

What Constitution?-Arizona

Hai everybody. So sorry about Saturday. I had an emergency with one of my dogs and I didn’t have time to write a blog. It remains half done and I remain trying to get the smell of skunk out of my house, my nose and my dogs fur. Someone recommended Oxy-clean and I am almost ready to go there. Since court is dark tomorrow I might finish it up and post it tomorrow. Either that or The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law is going to have an emergency class. I won’t know till I know.

Over the weekend Aunt Stabby had some very nasty things to say about the Alexanders. I will NOT post that horseshit here. In a nutshell, Stabby good, Travis bad, someone owes the Arias family an apology. From me to you Aunt Stabby. EAT A DICK!!

Today in Stabby land the jury was sent packing till 1:15 so that an emergency hearing on the motion to quash not a judge Stephens ruling could be heard at appellate court. The appellate court Judges were looking less than thrilled to even be hearing this nonsense, and on an emergency basis pfffffft. This has a snowballs chance in hell of surviving appellate court. Speaking of less than thrilled, Media Attorney Bodney looks absolutely disgusted that he has to go before an appellate court to get this crap overturned.

I have no idea why but this was stuck in my head as everyone made their way into appellate court so…….here.

I suppose it’s David Bodneys fault. He just seems so….determined that he has had enough of not a Judge Stephens and her horseshit. As soon as I got a look at him on TV it started playing on loop in my head. Juan, Bodney and the taxpayers of the not so great State of Arizona vs Stabby, Alfred E Nurmi and not a Judge Stephens.

David Bodney was up first and I was right. He was very focused and quite annoyed. You could hear it in his voice and see it in his demeanor. He gesticulated while he made his case. He took about 8 minutes on direct saying “dudes, dudette, this is pretty much fucked because we have this thing called a constitution which says you can’t do this, there is not case law anywhere saying you can do this, therefore not a judge Stephens can’t do this.”

Bodney is a smart man. He pulled Nurmi’s argument out from under him before Nurms ever spoke, which of course wouldn’t stop Nurmi from speaking. He figured out just like I did that Nurmi was planning on having all the witnesses testify under seal and he addressed it before Nurmi did and argued very, very effectively against it. He pretty much fucked Nurmi without the benefit of KY.

Juan got up, smirked, told the appellate Judges that he objected to a stay of proceedings because the Alexanders deserve closure and sat down. He figured Bodney had this. Juan was mellow, like three ludes deep mellow. Apparently the vet was at court today.

Well, well, welly, well, well. Looks like Mr Bodney and I were right. Nurmi is trying to leave wiggle room to have the entire defense testimony under seal. WOW!! Just when I think bitch cannot possibly think up anything else to try and stall the proceedings, she goes and outstabbys herself.

He’s bitching about tweeting, about reporters running out and reporting on it. He said he gets death threats to which I said “NO, DUH!” One of the Judges said the exact same thing when he said and I quote “Isn’t the threat of intimidation always existing then?” He then looked at Alfred E. like the bottom bitch he secretly is and rolled his eyes hard enough that I expected to see them leave his head and bounce jauntily across the courtroom.

Bodney was up again and proceeded to take down Nurmi so very well that the little pit-bull looked proud. He told the Judges that Nurmi is conflating (combining into a composite whole) not a Judge Stephens rulings and he is correct.

Quote of the day goes to Bodney for this. “if people cannot see what is going on, faith in the justice system is threatened.” Think about that statement. I am Canadian. We have a justice system that we are pretty proud of. Even we do not arbitrarily close court except in very exceptional circumstances. Paul and Karla Bernardo come to mind. Media was NOT banned as I have seen people post on other sites that post my blog, there was a publication ban on what was in the tapes to preserve the victims dignity because it was so fucking horrible. Even that was only until the trial was over. Media was in the courtroom AT ALL TIMES. I was in the courtroom. Christie Blatchford of the Toronto Sun and I had lunch twice. The gallery was not allowed to view the videotaped evidence because it showed the torture and rape of two children. Only the Jury and the Lawyers and Judge saw them. Audio was played in court and that was enough to send members of the gallery running from the courtroom. I counted 27. That is how bad, how horrifically bad this was. I wept against a perfect stranger who wept against me it was so bad. At no time during that trial, which is one of the worst cases in Canadian history was the court closed to reporters OR the public. The American Justice system is supposed to be better than ours. Americans say it all the time. I see it coming off the rails more and more every day. It pisses me off. America is supposed to have the most transparent Justice system in the world and a LOT of the rest of the world looks to America. Know who is looking at America right now and saying see, we were right? Russia. North Korea. Places where democracy is just some beautiful unattainable dream. What not a Judge Stephens has done is a travesty. I am pretty sure the appellate court feels exactly the same way judging by what I am hearing. So now we wait.

Everybody trekked back over to regular court. And we waited, and we waited and we waited. Then we got a ruling. The appellate division issued a stay of the order sealing the testimony of witnesses. Everyone now stand, face Arizona and salute the appellate court. Thanks. Interesting thing, a stay is not a decision. Basically what a stay says is that there is enough merit in the motion that the appellate judges have to look into it. It means that the proceedings will continue without seal until the appellate court renders a decision. They did this because it was either stay the proceedings, which is not fair to the Alexander family or stay the order which effectively shuts not a Judge Stephens and the defense down without having to take the time to render a decision. A decision on this might not even be issued by the time the trial is over, so this was very important.

Juan and Detective Flores laughed and laughed all the way out of the courthouse, Jenny hit the bong hard, Nurmi once again had that FML look planted squarely on face and not a Judge Stephens was absolutely flabbergasted that the appellate court thought she might have made an error. Stabby had that I will cut a bitch look back on her face since the appellate court basically told her to get stuffed.

Court was cancelled for tomorrow so that they could figure out how the fuck to move the trial forward.

So, we already know it was Stabby on the stand. I expect now she is going to pull a complete hissy fit and say she will refuse to allow herself to be cross examined. She can do that, they cannot force her to speak. What they will likely do in this event is strike all the testimony (which I hate), the STATE can request a mistrial which Juan probably won’t, or she can be held in contempt and the Jury can be told she has refused to comply with the court. I like that one, gives you a really good idea of what Stabby is. Unfortunately, here is yet another appealable issue.

here is a link to Mr Bodney and company seeking relief through the appellate court. Sorry I can’t embed it, it has been disabled. http://youtu.be/dqJ4KRVyphI

Because the entire Stabby family is determined to get that murder money, mom of Stabby AND dad of Stabby put this little bit of shit up on the internet today.  I honestly thought at least dad of Stabby was horrified at what his precious stabbykins had done.  I was mistaken.  I thought his avoidance of the trial had to do with his horror at what his daughter had done.  I was wrong.   I suggest something to vomit in while you watch.  The Pretoria puke bucket is being used at the moment.  Sorry.

I just CAN’T with these people. Aunt of Stabby wants an apology and Mom and Dad of Stabby would like your cash please because being related to Stabby is like humping on a money printing machine. This takes capitalism to a whole other level doesn’t it? Christ on a Cracker. Murder is becoming huge business in Arizona. Someone please drop some Ebola, or Anthrax or maybe just a small nuclear weapon on these people. I hate this entire fucking bloodline.

Everybody have a great night. RBMD peacing the fuck out.

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The Saga of The Never Ending Trial Continues -The Arizona One, Not The South African One

October 16, 2014

Christ on a Cracker it is never going to end – Arizona

Hai Kids. It has been a fairly eventful last couple of days. As some of you know, I took a little wipe out the other night and broke my big toe and busted my head pretty good. Since over the years I have become accustomed to all manner of injury I did not think it was that big of a deal. I knew immediately that my big toe was broken which is a non starter. As long as the bone isn’t sticking out they can’t do anything except offer you their condolences and send you packing. Over the course of the time with my ex-abuser I have had several head injuries, both bleeding and non bleeding so a little blood didn’t bother me much either. When it didn’t eventually stop I simply glued it closed and carried on with my day. I looked in the mirror this morning (something I rarely do because I am somewhat scarred up and I don’t like the reflection I see) and discovered two black eyes which told me that I had hit my head much harder than I thought. I obviously bounced my brain if I did that kind of damage. I called tele-health (it’s a thing in Canada where you can talk to a nurse practitioner and they tell you whether you need to go to emergency or not) and of course the nice nurse told me to go right now, don’t drive, call and ambulance and go. I asked the man at the end of the road to take me instead which he did. Ross is the only other person on our road and we help each other out like that. He is close to 90, but an old farmer and he could pass for early 70’s easily both because he still looks young and he still has all of his faculties about him. He was concerned and drove me. He even waited to drive me home. Thank you Ross. They did a CT scan I think that’s what it is called and I have a subdural hematoma (a bruised brain) concussion etc. No skull fracture, but the doctor said that was more due to me having a head like a rock than anything else. He was funny and put me mostly at ease, no small feat. He told me I was foolish not to come when I did it which I knew, told me I had done a nice job of gluing my scalp back together, joked about counting all the suture needles before I left and told me my head was going to hurt for the next little while. He then gave me instructions on what to do for the next few weeks. No exertion, no driving, basically rest till my noodle feels better. I look pretty bad, but I’m okay. Ross said he would come and check on me everyday which was so sweet, but that is how it is when you live with almost nobody around.

Do you know that it is probably easier to get hold of weaponized anthrax then it is to get pain pills in Ontario. I have them because I have permanent damage from the asshole who did all those wonderful things to me, but if I hadn’t had them already, I wouldn’t be getting any. The doctor said that almost nobody will prescribe any kind of opiate now because they are a drug dealers wet dream apparently. And they go for pretty big money from what he told me. That is a whole other blog, but one I think I am going to write at some point because quite frankly I am intrigued.

So, on to todays tale of Stabby and the Funky Bunch.

Todays fuckery began with everybody waiting on Stabby. She rolled into court in stripes and shackles which of course sent everyone into a tailspin about the jury. No way they would swear a jury with her dressed like that. This of course led to speculation that if a jury wasn’t being seated than that must mean Sometimes Judge Sherry had ruled in favor of Alfred E. Nurmi’s motion to take the DP off the table. Isn’t the internet fun? Jesus wept I’m telling ya. The jury will not be sworn until Tuesday October 21 which sent Nurmi into another spin about not having enough time with the hard drive, because six years has definitely not been enough time to look at all the evidence that could ever possibly be presented. Sometimes I can only shake my head. He wanted a delay. Denied.

Bickering of course broke out between Alfred E. Nurmi and our Pit-bull maybe because the vet with the tranquilizer gun was absent, perhaps because Nurms just wanted to press his luck, but in either event, he categorized Juan as “Snarky” about a dozen times. I would liken it less to snarkiness and more to being sick of dealing with idiots, but in either event Juan got pissed off at being called snarky and motioned that the defense be made to stop calling him snarky. Motion was granted and I put pop through my nose.

Then of course because the laws and courtroom proceedings in the States are so transparent, the whole rest of the mess was requested to be heard behind closed doors and everyone was kicked out for the remainder of the day. They were arguing the removal of the DP motion, or at least beginning to. It was held over to Monday the 20th, so barring something insane happening like sometimes Judge Stephens completely losing her mind and granting it, we should have a sworn Jury by Tuesday.

Expect 70 or 80 more motions sometime between now and Monday because I am sure there are motions that Nurmi has not thought of yet that he can still file to try and stall the inevitable a little bit longer.

A bit of trial trivia. The most litigious person in the United States is Jonathan Lee Riches who has filed 2600 separate lawsuits and named pretty much everyone but god (and he seems to be leaving the door open for that) in them. Alfred E. Nurmi may or may not be in close contention for most motions filed in a single criminal case. Citation is needed.

That’s it. I’m tired and my head hurts. Sorry it’s not more of an update, but as with all things Stabby, it is what it is.

Have a great night everyone.

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The Really Big Mean Dog School Of Law: Seating a Jury and Other Necessary Annoyances.

September 29, 2014

-I’m self employed, I have ebola, my dog ate my jury summons, No Habla Englis – Arizona

Welcome class. Please hurry and take your seats. This class will be focusing on seating a jury for a re-trial that the whole world watched and other things you don’t want to do. We were going to have a guest speaker tonight, Troy from Fox10, but he was covering the very trial we are going to be discussing tonight and the CONVICT looked at him and smiled. Obviously filing the restraining order was much more important than speaking to us. We all understand.

As a Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery of The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law and since we are studying this case, I felt it would be pertinent for me to attend todays proceedings. My press credentials help. Unfortunately I was busy working on todays lesson plan so the in-house Psychic will be giving you a synopsis of what happened in court today. In house Psychic, if you could come up to the front of the class please. Thank you. Take it away in-house psychic.

Uh….hey everybody. Um, I’m a little nervous, I don’t have to speak in front of people very often. Before I begin, I would like you all to know that once you pass the bar, you should never, ever take a job offered by your illustrious Professor. She will have you sign a contract that keeps you indentured forever, no matter what vomit inducing things she makes you do. You can get more money, but you can never leave her service. Anyway, this is what happened in court today.

All the main players were present. Nurmi was a combination of pissed off and resigned. He wasn’t paying much attention, he just kept thinking about where his chair was, if Jenny from the Cell Block had brought enough weed, if they were going to require a separate chair for Cha Cha’s earrings and whether or not he had tossed his suits from when he was fat. He seemed concerned that he was going to require them. Jenny from the Cell Block just looked stoned. She and Stabby kept staring into each others eyes and blowing kisses. Cha Cha was present. She seemed to be paying no attention what so ever. I wonder how much money I pulled in from the Justice4Stabby site was the only thing rolling around in her brain. Stabby was brought in sans shackles and wearing a grey sweater that perfectly matched her skin-tone. A search party has been formed to look for Stabby’s bangs, they are missing. She was also wearing a pair of glasses as seen on her auction for her totally authentic auction for her glasses as worn at trial. There were about a hundred jurors in the first bunch, about an equal number of men and women. Stabby seemed to be having a staring contest with one and the poor potential was visibly freaked out. She blurted out something about having to be at school and was dismissed. She bolted from the courtroom and immediately sought counselling. Several potentials were dismissed for not speaking English, but I took a quick read and spoiler (they all speak English.) King Juan and Sir Esteban were present. Our pit-bull, King Juan was not looking particularly rabid yet and Sir Esteban only had to throw him a couple of good boy treats. Judge Stephens just looked vaguely confused.
Most of the first panel were fairly intelligent potential jurors and came up with all kinds of interesting reasons to not be on the jury. Judge Stephens came out of the trance she was in long enough to tell potentials they may not contact the media, watch the news and they are banned from social media. Alfred E. Nurmi of course asked for a sidebar. Jurors will not be sequestered. The trial is expected to last until mid-December. Okay, I’m out. Back to Professor Kelly and Law Class.

Thank you in-house psychic. Everybody thank the in house psychic. Sorry, it’s in her contract.

Anyway back to Jury selection. For the purposes of this class we will use the case we have been studying:

The Great State of Arizona and King Juan the 1st V Stabby Anal Einstein.

First, some terms you will find useful unless you want to have no clue what is going on in the courtroom.

Venire: No students, it is not the finish on your floor or Jenny from the Cell Blocks teeth. That would be veneer. A Venire is a panel of prospective jurors.

Voire Dire: Not a French ungulate. The process through which potential jurors from the venire are questioned by either the judge or a lawyer to determine their suitability for jury service. Also the preliminary questioning of witnesses (especially experts) to determine their competence to testify. Voire Dire is when the most intelligent potential jurors will be shown the door. They you see have figured out how to avoid jury duty. The judge will question the Venire asking such questions as will sitting on the jury cause any undo hardship and do you think you can remain impartial. Using the above case as an example, some of the excellent reasons that jurors came up with to not sit on the jury: I have an issue with whores, I have an issue with fake domestic violence claims, I just flat out hate the bitch and I am ready to vote for the death penalty right now.

Challenges for Cause: The right to challenge a juror without assigning, or being required to assign, a reason for the challenge. During the selection of a jury, both parties to the proceeding may challenge prospective jurors for a lack of impartiality, known as a challenge for cause. A party may challenge an unlimited number of prospective jurors for cause. The judge will be required to step in if one of the lawyers decides this might be easier than say filing motions. Challenges for cause have been stopped by the judge when a lawyer was obviously trying to stack the jury with all men, or trying to stack the jury with all white people or all ninjas or whatever. That is a big, big no-no.

Peremptory Challenge: Peremptory challenges provide a more impartial and better qualified jury. Peremptory challenges allow an attorney to reject a potential juror for real or imagined partiality that would be difficult to demonstrate under the challenge for cause category. These challenges, however, have become more difficult to exercise because the U.S. Supreme Court has forbidden peremptory strikes based on race or gender.

Parties do not have a federal constitutional right to exercise peremptory challenges. Peremptory challenges are granted by statute or by case law. The number of challenges is usually determined by statute, but some jurisdictions allow the trial court to grant additional peremptory challenges. In federal court each side is entitled to three peremptory challenges. If more than two parties are involved in the proceeding, the court may either grant additional challenges or restrict the parties to the minimum number of challenges. In the case we are studying, the parties each have three peremptory challenges.

Once all the Venires have been gone through, the judge and the attorneys will begin to question the potential jurors and that is when the challenges for cause and the peremptory challenges will begin. On the second round of voire dire the questions are much more detailed and are often tailored to individual potential jurors. This is when the second most intelligent jurors will normally be removed from the panel.

The case we are studying is an interesting one. The potential jurors questions have been kept under wraps. A panel of highly qualified smart asses were convened to come up with relevant questions to ask the jurors. Fortunately I happen to have an in house Psychic, so for this class only I bring you Stabby Einstein Jury Questions.

What is YOUR definition of SKANK? Credit to @JodisDiary
Can you ID the 3 Wonder Holes? Credit to @Sturgeongal
What do you think about Snow White? Credit to @AngelRoars
Can you dedicate enough time to this trial? Like, until your social security kicks in? Credit to @SheilaNJ
Do you believe that during the alleged “body slam” that Jodi got a 1st Down? Credit to BarbRichter1
This trial may or may not contain “fog”. Are you a meteorologist and if so can you unlearn all college education? Credit to @mohiclaire
Were you ever a juror in Florida? Credit to @thriftymaiden
Do you have anything against white American Ninjas?
Do you believe that “Three-Hole Wonders” are an endangered species & therefore protected? Credit to @thriftymaiden
On 9 out of 10 days do you prefer Murdering Skanks or Pizza? Credit to @BarbRichter1
Do you have an irrational fear of rogue skateboarders and/or an affinity for collecting red gas cans? Credit to @BarbRichter1
Do you have any knowledge whatsoever of what the ten commandments actually say?
Do you actually understand what indigent means? Credit to unknown I forgot to write it down. message me if it’s yours
Does it bother you when multi-syllabic words are used incorrectly?
Can you list five places on your person to hide poprocks, tootsie pops and a toblerone bar? Credit to @DoctorGooFee
In YOUR opinion, should the seven dwarfs have been stabbed and decapitated? How about shot?
Do you think braids are HAWT?
Have you ever de-edified someone?
Can you look at Stabby and remain impartial contemporaneously?

That is it for tonight class. Next class we will be discussing more on this trial as well as a strange case of multiple personality disorder. This case is disturbing on many levels. It started out as simple assault with a fish and by the time the woman was found not responsible due to mental disease or defect she was actually tweeting to herself. Very sad.

Have a wonderful evening and don’t forget to study. We may or may not have a midterm coming up anywhere from 5 to 455 days from now.

Class dismissed.

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Stabby Needs Her Glasses Back.

September 19, 2014

Writing my grocery list in pencil and hanging it in a gallery – Arizona

Hai everybody. It’s me, Stabby hater extraordinaire Kelly. Seeing as how I am a Scot born and bred, I have spent a large portion of the night focused on the referendum. I’m on the fence about whether I want independence or not. Part of me is worried about the economic implications of succession and part of me wants to paint my face blue and ride a horse out onto the battlefield. part of me thinks I should put away my Braveheart DVD and go to bed. I am very happy that Scotland has a chance to attain something Stabby will never have again. FREEDOM!! Alba Gu Brath!

Stabby has fired up all the engines on the mitigating factors jet and is currently flying it into the stratosphere. She is donating money to every goddamn place that will accept money from a CONVICTED MURDERESS, she has donated her hair to mops of love, and now she has sold a self portrait so she can donate the murder money. The only problem is that Stabby can’t see her reflection in her stainless steel toilet bowl very well. I think it is because she tried to hock her totally not fake eyeglasses. Here is the pic she came up with.

Stabby self portrait not the one

As you can see, there are some serious problems with the picture. Really, the only thing she got right was the flat head and the dead look in her eyes. I am shocked that an artist of this caliber……….Bwahahahahahahaha(OMG I’m sorry I could not type that without bursting out laughing; very unprofessional of me) Anyway, there are people out there who only want to help others perfect their art and someone took the time to try and help Stabby fix hers. They put in some of the stuff Stabby forgot, which I think was very kind of them. This is what they came up with.

Stabby self portrait real

Please notice that while this picture is also not perfect, it is a much more realistic representation of Stabby. The self serving smirk. The dead look in the slightly crossed eyes. The scraggly bangs. The asymmetrical face. The missing weapons. Of course for the picture to be complete we would need to add bad acne and some horns but this was the much better try in my opinion.

Still working on all things Stabby. Hoping to bring you an update on the whole J4Stabby mess and how ChaCha ties into it all. Have a lovely night kids.

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I Promise to Tell the Truth, Part of the Truth, or None of the Truth……Whatever is Working For Me at The Time……Maybe.

September 17, 2014

The “Sherriff Joe Homey Don’t Play That House of Indefinite Incarceration” may have room for one more soon – Arizona

Hai Kids. It’s me, number 1 (Okay number 2 if you count Juan) Stabby hater extraordinaire Kelly. I am here with updates. We have actual written down in the court minutes trial dates. Jury Selection will start September 29th and the PENALTY PHASE RETRIAL is set to run through December 12, 2014 with the court dark on Fridays. I figure Judge Stephens finally said fuck it, every weekend is a long weekend till this bitch is off my docket forever. She has fully stocked the side-bar and has personally tested all the bottles to make sure they do indeed contain liquor.

Golden Corral has hired extra line cooks in preparation for the 200lbs Alfred E. Nurmi is going to put back on during this shit show.

All weed dealers in the immediate area have checked their phone lines and made sure they are still on Jenny From the Cell Blocks speed dial. Pageant moms across Arizona have submitted original designs for gowns for the glamour portion of the trial.

Esteban Flores has stocked up on good boy treats and checked the catch pole to make sure the loop closes properly. His order of squeaky Nurmi dog toys is expected next week.

The court vet has double checked his tranquilizer supply and fired off a couple of test rounds to make sure the gun is firing properly. Wouldn’t want a miss-fire in the courtroom when Juan is really foaming at the mouth.

Juan has finally calmed down from his laughing fit and was seen mauling an attack dummy in preparation for the re-trial.

Stabby has been endlessly doodling in hopes of an impromptu art show of her totally ripped off from other artists designs. Tracing is a mitigating factor you know.

ChaCha Delarosa Was seen trying on outfits to wear to the re-trial. She was going for a more professional look this time. I think it worked.
ChaCha DeLaRosa

Alyce in Blunderland has not come out of hiding since the first trial.

Stabby’s Pencil was seen getting a new point. Looking sharp Pencil!!

All the Chairs of the Court are safe in the Ikea protection program. The will be brought to court by moving van convoy flanked by swat teams early on the morning of the 29th.

The ninjas and the screwdriver Skateboard gang were unavailable for comment.

Lisa Schilling and Jason Weber were last seen in Las Vegas. Their whereabouts now is unknown.


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Varmt News Network

It's the Internet.

peskyvarmt

Just another WordPress.com site

Asleep in Left Field-My Life

4 out of 5 Friends recommend this WordPress.com site

Out in left field

(Totally fictional) Drama Queen Stories

CALLS FOR JUSTICE

sometimes, there are monsters walking amongst us