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The Stabby Einstein Penalty Phase Re-Trial – The If You Are Throwing It At A Man They Are Going To Take It Edition

November 14, 2014

Robert Louis Stevenson Would like his Novel renamed please – Arizona

Hai Kids. It’s me, Stabby hater of all haters, Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery, content creator, sarcasm major, and general pain in the fucking ass to Stabbyites everywhere. YAY ME!!

I know everyone wants to know what happened with my heart tests this week. The first one which was on Monday was where they shot me full of nuclear stuff and then took pictures of my heart for half an hour. I did not feel great after I came home on Monday but I didn’t feel that bad. Just a little flu like almost. Yesterday was a stress test. They hooked me up to an IV full of nuclear crap and put me on a treadmill. I have two prosthetic knees and hips so it was painful. The treadmill speeds up and inclines at five minute increments. My hips and knees were killing me but I refused to quit. I was about 4 to 6 minutes from done when I had some sort of cardiac event. It wasn’t a heart attack, I’ve had a couple of those and it didn’t feel like that. Most likely more of the angina I was diagnosed with a long time ago. The nurses wanted me to stop, but if I stopped they couldn’t use the data so I said no way keep going and after a few seconds of argument they agreed and we kept going till the end. I ended up getting them into trouble though which I feel badly about. Then I had to drink a can of ginger-ale, get another plunger full of nuclear whatever and go for another round of pictures. And that would be where things went weird. A cardiologist who happened to be there came in and asked me all manor of very weird questions. Did anyone in my family have any type of congenital heart defect? Did my mother drink or use drugs while she was pregnant with me? Of course we know the answer to that one. Both and lots. Was I checked as a baby for heart defects? I told him I didn’t know but I would assume so since the bitch that bore me had one. I was getting the distinct impression that something was up so I asked him if he could just tell me what the results said. After all that he said no because he was not my cardiologist. So then I asked him if he thought there was a problem. He said and I quote “yes, in my opinion there is a problem.” He said my cardiologist would have a report on his desk by today and I guess he did because I have to go see him tomorrow. Ross already said he’d take me. Hearts are really, really easy to fix even if there is something wrong, and after the shit show that has been my life, there is no way that something as ridiculous as a heart problem is going to take me out. Sorry Stabbyites, I’m not going anywhere. You all now know exactly what I know until tomorrow.

Now, onto the never ending bowl of shit that is this farce of a penalty phase retrial.

Today it would have been much more fun to have root canal, or watch paint dry, or watch wheat grow.

Interestingly, a couple of the Jurors from the first trial showed up today. At one point a phone went off in the gallery and everyone collectively lost their shit. Nurmi started screaming that they were being secretly taped to which I say “kinda creepy being taped when you don’t know isn’t it nurms?” Turned out that it was just an alarm on someone’s phone that they forgot to turn off and they were allowed to return to the gallery. The entire gallery got a very stern talking to from the bailiff about phones being turned off. At least it broke up the monotony a bit.

Resident expert for pay Dr. L.C. Miccio-Fonseca focuses in the areas of sex offenders and those with unusual sex twists. Why Alfred E. is still trying to retry the original case is beyond me, but at this point there isn’t anything that would shock me about this trial. If they walked a billy goat into the courtroom and said he was secretly having sex with it too, I wouldn’t even be a little surprised. This is the character of the people on the defense side of the table. They are willing to do anything, and say anything to try and make Travis into a bad guy. The only thing Travis did that was bad  in my opinion was hooking up with one particular psychopath.

The jumbotron was rolled out so that everyone could see all of Travis’ personal emails in 50ft high glory. Fonseca remained on the stand under oath as some video from the original trial was played. The video of Desiree and her brother and the trip to  Havasupai. This was the trip where so much was made of the fight that Travis and Stabby had in the car. Until the day the siblings testified, they believed the ninja story and had no idea Stabby was about to plead guilty. This is what she had to say afterwards to clarify her testimony on the stand.

desiree explanation

The Jurors seemed to be taking copious amounts of notes today, at least during the replay of the testimony from the first trial. It almost seems like the defense is doing everything it can to just run the clock down today and keep a sympathetic picture of the convicted murderess in their heads for the weekend. Poor poor Stabby. A man actually didn’t want her, what is a girl to do? There was one sidebar before the video was over and then it was done.

Alfred E. Nurmi began his examination of his paid liar   expert. He asked if Dan and Desiree had a window into the relationship of Travis and the Psycho bitch to which the expert answered yes and put $200 in her pocket. Nurmi in his usual fashion is leading the witness so that I yelled objection leading at least three times. Apparently the little pitbull yelled it even more often than I did.

Nurmi wanted to know if they were hiding the sex because of religion? How would the paid expert know why they were hiding the sex? He finally got in Did them being together have to be secret based on their religion? The liar for money said yes and put another $200 in her pocket. Then he wanted to know if they were doing things against their religion. See this frustrates me not being in the courtroom. Is this woman an LDS expert? If she isn’t and I don’t remember that in her CV, how is she qualified to answer that question. Even if the answer is obvious how is she qualified to answer? Anyway she said yes and she was up to $600. Then she began to explain the differences between the sexual Travis and the religious Travis because apparently everyone on earth besides The Einstein-y defense are idiots.

The expert in twisted sexual behavior, talked about murder victim Travis Alexander’s issues with his Mormon faith and sexual desires. And the mighty pitbull began to roar, and roar, and roar.

Fonseca said that Alexander had a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” personality. Juan was not the one today, he objected just about every time Nurmi opened his mouth. Maybe just to see how Nurmi liked it. He is objecting because like it or not, Nurmi is trying very hard to get the Jurors to retry the case in their own minds. In reality, there is a good likelihood that this is what will happen. Nurmi is working hard for his murder money. He is throwing every damn thing at the wall that he can find to see if anything will stick. He is trying to show that she was the victim of emotional abuse, he is trying to portray Travis as T-Dogg, user of women, he is trying to convince the jury that Travis was emotionally volatile. The Jury is trying to convince themselves to stay awake.

Resident paid sex expert Dr. Fonseca was more of the same with Alfred E. pounding it into everyone’s head, whether they wanted it there or not that Travis was using Stabby for sex while searching for a good Mormon woman with morals a little higher than those of an Alley Cat to marry.

They read out the email where Travis admitted that he did have a tendency to use women and that he felt bad for the way he made Deanna feel. you know Deanna, the one he was actually in love with. The jury seemed to get it that he recognized his own character flaw and the seemed like they thought it was a good thing. Every time Deanna’s name got mentioned, Stabby rolled her eyes. The Jury was watching Jody more than the witnesses and not liking what they were seeing. Because they were seeing Stabby in all her glory. The Stabby Einstein who was better than any other woman on the planet. The very best part was when it was said out loud that Deanna was the love of Travis’ life and that Stabby was just a piece of ass. She became visibly angry. She still cannot accept that Travis didn’t love her. She was throwing her pussy at him and he was happy to catch it and that was all there was to their relationship. The expert witness called Travis a cheater because he was dating Lisa and bumping uglies with ugly, I mean Stabby, I mean ugly Stabby.

Then they played Dan Freemans testimony from the last trial. Most of the jurors looked like they wished that the earth would just open up and swallow them whole. The jury is bored. The video should have been edited for the relevant portions only. The Jurors did seem to wake up a bit while on the video Dan explained the baptism ritual and who was qualified to baptize someone. There are actual sidebars on the tapes being played. Sidebars from the last trial. Are you fucking kidding me. What a waste of time and money. But like I said, Nurms is trying to run out the clock for the weekend. Count on it. Juan will not get up today. And the tape is mercifully over.

Now we are going to get to hear the hired gun give an opinion of an opinion of a recollection that was 6 years old at the time. I seriously just can’t with what this defense is doing. OMG Ms I am an expert witness and have no bias one way or the other just referred to Stabby as Miss Jodi NOT Miss Arias. Not cool paid expert person. You just showed your hand. Just like LaToilette did. She said that Travis not wanting to show her off hurt her wittle feewing. Poor Stabby.

Oh goody, we have another brainiac that just invents words as they go. The word of the day kids is SEXITIVE. Learn it, it might be on an exam later. It is used to describe an action. I have no idea what action but there ya go. BREAKING NEWS: The paid witness says that Stabby was just a booty call. The entire state of Arizona just said, really? Two hours on the stand to tell us something that the whole world other than maybe Einstein over there already knew? Can we get a refund? Alfred E. then asked Fonseca about the difference between secrecy and privacy in intimacy. She had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. She said something about it being late in the day and she was tired.

Then we went back into more fucking emails. And she got to read them to us because apparently no one can read either. The testimony has slowed to a snails pace which I am telling you is part of the plan. Nurmi has managed to come up with a hundred and sixty two ways to say that Travis was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We get it Nurmi, he was leading a double life. So fucking what? Nurmi is losing the Jury. They are bored and they are exceptionally tired of hearing the same thing in a hundred different forms. Travis was pretending to be a virgin but wasn’t. Travis wanted a booty call but a good Mormon wife. Travis liked fucking Stabby (I just threw up in my mouth a little). The paid witness confirmed that he was discussing marriage with Lisa while getting back door down with Stabby. Again so fucking what. The male jurors collectively rolled their eyes when the paid witness started to talk about Travis’ infidelity.
And baby Jesus gifted us with an end to todays testimony.

Good god, I cannot wait for Juan to get his muzzle around the throat of LaToilette 2.0

That’s it for tonight kids. Have a great night.

RBMD peacing the fuck out!!

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I Think The Entire Planet Just Collectively Tossed Their Cookies.

October 21, 2014

Mi’lady I am going to require the puke bucket in Arizona, can you Fed Ex it or something?-Arizona

 

Hai Kids.  It’s me your very favorite Stabby hater and teller of truths that some pieces of shit on the internet just don’t want to hear bringing you day 1 of what is sure to be a vomit-fest of a penalty phase retrial.  For you number of the numb fucks who don’t seem to get this part, I will speak slowly and loudly.  STABBY IS ALREADY CONVICTED OF FIRST DEGREE AGGRAVATED MURDER.  THIS IS NOT A DO-OVER.  THIS IS ONLY TO DECIDE WHETHER SHE GETS TO DIE NOW OR TO ROT IN HOPEFULLY A REALLY SHITTY PRISON FOR THE REST OF HER NATURAL LIFE. IF THE SECOND OPTION IS WHAT HAPPENS, THAN I HOPE THAT SHE GETS HER FACE SHOVED IN SHIT DAILY FOR THE ENTIRE REST OF HER LIFE.  ARE WE CLEAR NOW?

Before we get to the vomit inducing opening statement of Alfred E. Nurmi, I wanted to let you know that Oscar Pusstorius ended up getting 5 years for murdering his girlfriend.  What that translates to is about 10 months worth of actual incarceration and the remainder under house arrest.  And a big shout out to the bookies in South Africa because they totally called it.  Way better book makers in SA than here.  The odds in the States were 0-3 and in Canada because we still have a ridiculous belief that the justice system actually works, 7.5 to 15.  Way to go South African Bookies.  The prosecution may appeal the amount of incarceration, but in all honesty I doubt it.  I think they know they were damn lucky that they got anything.  The only one more surprised than I was that he actually got jail time was maybe Pusstorius because dude totally thought he was going to skate.  The look of total shock on his face was maybe the first time he wasn’t acting during the entire trial.  It was a beautiful thing.

Now,  on to the shit show that is the never ending trial of Stabby Anal Einstein.

The crowd was much smaller this time than for the first trial but that may change once we get closer to verdict.

Sometimes Judge Stephens spent the first bit dealing with other court matters before we even got started.  The pit-bull and his dog handler Esteban Flores walked into the courthouse together.  Because this makes not one lick of difference what so ever just for today I will tell you that Both Juan, Esteban Flores, the court reporter, Nurmi, and everyone else of import was dressed in suits with ties or appropriate court attire. I don’t give a shit who is wearing what so I won’t be talking about it much. That is unless Stabby and Prom Queen contender Jenny from the cell block start dressing alike again.   Stabby was dressed in a beige shirt with her hair down and I’m sorry to report but her bangs are still missing.  They may be hiding out with Nurmi’s chair.

Sometimes Judge Stephens announced that one of the jurors had been dismissed due to a family emergency and of course Alfred E. took that as his cue to throw his first hissy fit of the day. He was denied, the jurors were sworn and we were off.

Travis’ family were out in full force and the Stabby family was also in attendance. Brother Stabby was wearing a purple ribbon in support of DV victims and the puke buckets I had Mi’lady Fed Ex me came in handy for the first time of the day.

Alfred E. Nurmi rode in on the mitigating factors train with a brand new tale of woe for Stabbykins. Just like your intrepid blogger predicted, the only thing left to go with was insanity so Alfred E. went with that. He tried to paint Stabby as a mentally ill woman who now DEFINITELY had the borderline personality disorder that she totally DID NOT HAVE during the first penalty phase trial. He talked about her tragic and horrible childhood of being grounded for growing weed on the roof. He said her mother totally didn’t support her daughter enough and she beat the bitch. Mom of Stabby physically winced when this was said. He said she had no criminal past. Then he went on to tell the jurors what to expect during this farce of a retrial. He told the jurors that the pictures they were going to see were likely going to give them the dry heaves in a big way, and that there would also be autopsy photo’s. He referred to Travis as “Beloved Travis” which must be some new code for pedophile since that is what he spent the entire last trial calling him. He stressed that Stabby was madly in love with Travis about eleventy billion times. He said that Stabby herself would tell them her horror at realizing she had killed the love of her life so ding ding ding I win again because the stupid bitch is going to take the stand. I could almost see the sneer on Juans face through the tweets. Then Esteban Flores, lead investigator and dog wrangler removed the muzzle and Juan was up.

In true pit-bull fashion Juan went immediately for the jugular. “You will come to know the emotional and mental suffering…” and Alfred E. objected and we headed for the sidebar. He told them about how she had taken his body and dragged it down the hall, stuffing him into the shower like a thanksgiving turkey. He said that she was the sexual one “She told the court she was shaving her pussy so it could be nice and soft for him and that if he was good, she would give him a blowjob and he could come on her face,” Martinez said and I used the puke bucket from South Africa once again. Good thing I asked for that. He went over the whole thing from the gas cans to the car to the gun completely covering the premeditated killing of Travis. He told them that having borderline personality disorder is not legally insane. He brought up that Stabby had lied to the police and that is a crime in reference to Nurmi’s insistence that Stabby was a good girl who had never done a bad thing ever, ever, ever.

Alfred E is still shooting for that world records for most objections in the history of ever and he was right on target today. He also managed to slip in at least one request for a mistrial because Juan said that Stabby broke the law by lying to the police. Objection was sustained but motion for mistrial was denied. Then it was lunch time. I’m sorry I can’t tweet pictures of my lunch. It was strawberry pop-tarts and a pepsi. Just try and picture it in your mind.

Juan was back up and the vet obviously missed the target because he continued to pace and snarl about how Stabby had no problems interacting in society as far as working; you know when she didn’t have a fuckbuddy to sponge off of. Then he called her a big fat liar when he said the only proof of any childhood abuse are the words that come out of her mouth. Aaaand I just got a mental picture of things coming out of her mouth and hit the puke bucket yet again. He finished his opening by saying that there are no mitigating factors in this case, zero, none and Alfred E. Nurmi got another objection in and made his second mistrial request. Double denied.

Flores tossed Juan a good-boy treat as the pit-bull called the states first witness. Michael Melendez, computer forensics unit. They went through the whole camera thing and everything was going along swimmingly until they got to the first picture of Stabby and her GAPING wonder hole. Good thing Nurms gave some warning about the whole dry heaving thing because everybody did.

Nurmi got up to cross examine and he was much more interested in Travis’ computer than he was in pictures that totally didn’t prove that Stabby killed Travis. He seemed to be pretending they didn’t exist. Unfortunately for Nurmi neither did any internet porn of any kind ever. Sucks to be you Nurmi.

Next up was Esteban Flores. They went through how the body was found and went over the pictures that were taken of the crime scene and Nurmi wants a sidebar. Holy fuck the whole lot of them are going to be pissed by the time court is done. Then court recessed for 15 minutes.

The remainder of the day was Flores on the stand and a recap of the trial ending with the autopsy photos of Travis. Court reconvenes tomorrow at 12:30

That’s it for today kids.
Have a great night.

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The Really Big Mean Dog School Of Law – Conspiracy Theories, Jury Nullification and Mitigation Factors That Don’t Exist

October 7, 2014

I have had more fun watching paint dry- Arizona

 

Hello Students and welcome to another class concerning Jury’s and what a pain in the ass they are. Todays class is going to focus on some very serious points of law so please pay attention….Deb, yes you Deb, we have had the discussion about knives in the classroom before have we not? No I will not define “discussion”, put the knife away and take your seat.

First class, in order to understand the entire concept I am going to start with Jury Nullification:

Jury Nullification is a jury’s knowing and deliberate rejection of the evidence or refusal to apply the law either because the jury wants to send a message about some social issue that is larger than the case itself, or because the result dictated by law is contrary to the jury’s sense of justice, morality, or fairness. It could also be because the jury contains at least one nut-bag that has drunk the convicts kool-aid and thinks if they save her they will somehow become her super sekrit lover and they will be allowed to marry the convict and never have sex again.

Jury Nullification in the case we have been studying State of Arizona and King Juan 1 V Stabby Anal Arias may become a problem because according to what I have been able to see on the internet, conspiracy theories about that Stabby has been framed. Framed I tell you.

A conspiracy theory is an explanatory proposition that accuses two or more persons, a group, or an organization of having caused or covered up, through secret planning and deliberate action, an illegal or harmful event or situation. For example class, the theory of the day as explained by detective pig vomit is that Dr Kevin Horn-Medical Examiner and thanks to Jenny from the Cell Block de-facto gunshot wound expert, Elizabeth Northcutt-firearms expert, Ryan Burns – Almost the next Stabby Victim, Nathan Mendez-Siskiyou Police Detective, Mom and Dad Stabby, Esteban Flores- Lead Detective and Courtroom pitbull rangler, Heather Connor-Fingerprint Expert, Mimi Hall- Travis’ Friend, Judge Sherry Stephens- A judge…I guess, Juan Martinez-Prosecutor/pit-bull and yelly, grilly person, Every Mormon on earth, Walmart Records Keeping department, Chris and Sky Hughes, Dr.Janeen DeMarte-Psychologist, Chelsea Buff-Tesoro Employee, Lonnie Dworkin – Computer Expert, Dave Hall-Friend of Travis and General Tit, Zach Billings and Enrique Cortez- Travis’ roommates, And Darryl Brewer-ex fuckbuddy of Stabby have all gotten together to frame poor, poor Stabby.

According to Detective PV, by using her Scooby doo decoder ring, a Ouija board, some KY and a strawberry Frappuccino she has come to the conclusion that Chris and Sky Hughes actually killed Travis and all the rest of these people are helping cover it up because it is all a huge Mormon conspiracy. Don’t we all feel stupid? Basically the theory is that all the Mormon women were jealous of Stabby and all the Mormon men wanted to stuff all of Stabby’s wonder holes so they killed Travis and framed her. Case closed I guess we can move on to the next case law we are going to study.

How does this all work into Jury Nullification? Well, if someone on that Jury truly believe all the stuff that Detective PV and her decoder ring have uncovered the might decide to not vote for the DP just to make a point, like Detective Pig Vomit is smarter than every human being that worked on this case for…what’s it been now, a hundred years or so. This is a real concern and it was nice to see Juan was paying particular attention to some of the more questionable potentials. As an aside, the lawyers on this case have been given 10 peremptory challenges each instead of the normal three, so the sometimes Judge Stephens is obviously concerned about the same thing.

Mitigating factors that don’t exist is exactly what it sounds like. Since this is the penalty phase retrial, we get to hear once again about how Stabby can grow hair, and read, and habla Espanol and the one that makes my blood boil till I am cooked from the inside out, how she is a survivor of DV who is donating all the NET proceeds of her murder money to DV services. I am hoping that Juan brings up that even if she is given LWOP it will literally be years before she is able to join the general population, that there are already several book clubs in place and that there is a huge recycling program also already in place. As lawyers you will once again have to become creative because at this point you are running out of options. I suggest offering up organs, or maybe offering to go into some testing that would otherwise be done on animals. Trying to get one of the people that your client so easily tossed to the wolves during the main trial to testify on their behalf might be a bit tricky, but give it a shot anyway. By now you should be used to being told to go fuck yourself. If you don’t grow a thick skin quickly you will never be a good attorney. Maybe take a couple of thousand from the “appeals fund” and bribe somebody. That is probably the only option you have left at this point.

That is it for tonight’s class. I have to see a guy about royalties for the FUCK YOU song because I would like it to be the new class anthem.
Have a great night, class dismissed.

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Well, Now That Hell Has Frozen Over…………

September 28, 2014

Wait, what?  It’s gonna start on time?-Arizona

Hai Kids. Believe it or not, it looks like Jury selection is going to start tomorrow. Just..like…Judge…Stephens…said. I am frightened and confused by this turn of events. Nothing ever starts on time with Stabby and the Funky Bunch. She has the king of motions on her side and he has run out of motions to file………WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??????? I don’t know how to deal with this. I think I need a Prozac and a hug.

Since Judge Stephens has started the “We hate media tour” I have to bring out the in-house psychic. The in-house Psychic is not amused. Also, just in case the in-house psychic has another hissy fit about damaging her brain, we have Jen from Trial Diaries updating us on twitter. Not the same, but it is better than nothing. Seriously. It is!! Work with me here people.

I am apparently giving certain “bloggers” who shall remain nameless *cough* pig-vomit *cough* fits, and all I have to say about that is YAY!!

Since we don’t have much else to do on the eve of Stabby’s journey to the gurney (credit for that is not mine, I saw it on twitter but don’t remember who started it) I thought I would tell all of you an Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story. Grab whatever you’re drinking and pull up a chair.

Once upon a time in the land of Maricopa County Court, The wisest King to ever rule lived. King Juan was revered throughout the land as a wise and just ruler. Even outside the land of Maricopa County Court, King Juan’s heroic rule was known and loved by all. King Juan had gone to battle and beaten the evil monster Stabby. King Juan had four daughters, two sets of fraternal twins. The first set, Jen and Christine pleased King Juan and the subjects of the court when they both became brilliant journalists. There were celebrations throughout the land when they got their press credentials. Pencil and Kelly were the other set of fraternal twins. They were loved through-out the land for the truth of what they said as well as their very twisted yet hilariously funny sense of humor. No matter how sad or terrible the situation might be, Pencil and Kelly could be counted on to raise the spirits of the land with their take on the situation. The sisters all cared about each other and always had each others backs. King Juan could not have been more proud of his daughters. Every year around whatever o’clock the whole land was invited to an ice-cream party in Vegas to celebrate the rule of the wise and noble King, as well as his insanely talented and very well known children.

Unfortunately, a wicked and crazy troll named Pig-Vomit and her five dim-witted minions with one hundred and fifty email addresses also lived on the very fringe of the Maricopa County Court. Pig-Vomit very vocally despised King Juan and all of the princesses, but especially Jen and Christine. The problem was that Pig-vomit fancied herself a journalist. The fact that she could not write anything other than pure bullshit never, ever deterred her. Pig-Vomit was not especially bright, and she got it into her head that if she wrote it down and got the five dim-witted minions with one hundred and fifty emails addresses to comment on it, she was a real-timey Journalist. She named her “writings” IncoherentRamblings. She cackled maniacally at her journalistic brilliance. She had herself convinced that she was a real journalist until word of Princess Jen and Princess Christine’s real journalistic endeavors got to her. From that moment on she did nothing but write stuff that could only be described as the rantings of a lunatic and plot how to ruin the reputations of King Juan and the princesses. King Juan was not worried about his reputation at all because he knew Pig-Vomit was just a jealous used up old hag that had lost touch with reality when her spirit animal Stabby refused to acknowledge her. He, and all the subjects in the land knew that her writing was so insane that only the mentally deficient would give it a moments thought. He was however concerned for his daughters. He mentioned it to his personal guard Sir Esteban, and Sir Esteban immediately started to gather evidence against Pig-Vomit. It was fairly easy considering that Pig-Vomit just could not keep the bat-shit crazy to herself and she spewed crap all over social media. She also apparently didn’t know what a screen capture was. Sir Esteban reported all of his findings back to King Juan. King Juan was incensed at the things that Pig-Vomit was saying about his daughters. He was so angry he began to pace and snarl. Sir Esteban threw him a good boy treat and that settled him down a bit.

Once King Juan thought about it for a bit he calmed down. His subjects as well as all of the thousands of messages he had gotten from outside of the kingdom told him that the entire world knew what a crazy jealous psycho bitch pig-vomit was. Essentially the whole planet thought the bitch was nuts. King Juan also knew that the knights of the prosecution table were always watching out for them. He knew they would be safe when he made his journey into the second circle of hell to do battle with Pig-Vomit’s spirit animal Stabby. The knights, Happy, Tie, Chair, MMC, RT, Chaz, Anna, G, PIckles, CJ and several others were always with the sisters. Knight Happy was worried about Kelly and Pencil and warned Kelly to watch out when she ventured forth to post her blog each day. Kelly assured Happy that she and Pencil were okay, it was the famous sisters that Pig-Vomit was after. Happy, gather the rest of the knights of the prosecution table and look after Jen and Christine. Happy hugged princess Kelly and peaced the fuck out to find the rest of the knights.

Pig-Vomit was getting desperate. As usual, Kelly and Pencil were right, she was bent on the destruction of Jen and Christine. In her insane mind, she thought that if she could get hold of one of their press credentials, King Juan would magically love her and would grant her title of reporter of the court, as well as making her Queen of Maricopa County Court. She was getting more and more desperate. Her spirit animal Stabby would not acknowledge her for all the lies she had made up to try and get Stabby free, Jen and Christine seemed not to be even slightly bothered by the things Pig-Vomit spewed forth in her “writings”, the five dim-witted minions with one hundred and fifty email addresses were not switching identities with any enthusiasm what-so-ever and Kelly and Pencil were slowly and inexorably making her look like an even bigger idiot than she already looked like.

Pig-Vomit in a last ditch effort called one last time on the demon at the bottom of the vodka bottle. Dreat Gemon she intoned, I need to discredit all the princesses. What should I do? The Vodka Demon thought on it for a minute. Did you try making shit up about King Juan having an affair it asked. She nodded at the empty vodka bottle. How about questioning the journalistic s integrity of Jen and Christine? Pig-vomit nodded again. Did you accuse any of them of knowing the truth about your spirit animal Stabby and not telling it. Pig-Vomit nodded again. The demon was perplexed. How about prosecutorial misconduct, or have you implied that King Juan might be hiding evidence? Pig-Vomit was looking desperate now. The demon seemed to care a lot less than she thought it should, so she smacked it with a flounder and told it to pay attention. It shrugged. Have you called everybody haters? Stalked them on social media? How about trying to get your spirit animal Stabby interested by telling it that somebody is stealing her murder money and you were the one that uncovered it? Nothin’? The Demon shrugged one last time. Well, it said, I guess it sucks to be you. I gotta go, Judge Stephens has called to restock the sidebar. The Demon disappeared in a puff of smoke and Pig-Vomit realized she was alone. She shook her head and howled. In a moment of clarity she realized that the five dim-witted minions had also never existed and it had been her and her multiple personalities with one hundred and fifty different email addresses all along.

Kelly and Pencil had figured out how to deal with Pig-Vomit. Six nice men in white coats showed up at Pig-Vomits door. She was so excited to see actual men that she didn’t look outside to see the waiting paddy wagon. The gentlemen asked her if she would like to go have a nice dance lesson at the Cha-Cha Delarosa School of Dance. Pig-Vomit was trembling with excitement. One of the men offered to get her coat. She slipped it on and the man chivalrously did it up for her in the back nice and tight. They escorted her to her waiting chariot and assured her that of course they could stop for a strawberry Frappuccino on the way. Pig Vomit was quietly committed to the Sheriff Joe House of Psychiatric Hold and Indefinite Incarceration and was never heard from again. Nobody noticed she was even gone. The end.

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I Promise to Tell the Truth, Part of the Truth, or None of the Truth……Whatever is Working For Me at The Time……Maybe.

September 17, 2014

The “Sherriff Joe Homey Don’t Play That House of Indefinite Incarceration” may have room for one more soon – Arizona

Hai Kids. It’s me, number 1 (Okay number 2 if you count Juan) Stabby hater extraordinaire Kelly. I am here with updates. We have actual written down in the court minutes trial dates. Jury Selection will start September 29th and the PENALTY PHASE RETRIAL is set to run through December 12, 2014 with the court dark on Fridays. I figure Judge Stephens finally said fuck it, every weekend is a long weekend till this bitch is off my docket forever. She has fully stocked the side-bar and has personally tested all the bottles to make sure they do indeed contain liquor.

Golden Corral has hired extra line cooks in preparation for the 200lbs Alfred E. Nurmi is going to put back on during this shit show.

All weed dealers in the immediate area have checked their phone lines and made sure they are still on Jenny From the Cell Blocks speed dial. Pageant moms across Arizona have submitted original designs for gowns for the glamour portion of the trial.

Esteban Flores has stocked up on good boy treats and checked the catch pole to make sure the loop closes properly. His order of squeaky Nurmi dog toys is expected next week.

The court vet has double checked his tranquilizer supply and fired off a couple of test rounds to make sure the gun is firing properly. Wouldn’t want a miss-fire in the courtroom when Juan is really foaming at the mouth.

Juan has finally calmed down from his laughing fit and was seen mauling an attack dummy in preparation for the re-trial.

Stabby has been endlessly doodling in hopes of an impromptu art show of her totally ripped off from other artists designs. Tracing is a mitigating factor you know.

ChaCha Delarosa Was seen trying on outfits to wear to the re-trial. She was going for a more professional look this time. I think it worked.
ChaCha DeLaRosa

Alyce in Blunderland has not come out of hiding since the first trial.

Stabby’s Pencil was seen getting a new point. Looking sharp Pencil!!

All the Chairs of the Court are safe in the Ikea protection program. The will be brought to court by moving van convoy flanked by swat teams early on the morning of the 29th.

The ninjas and the screwdriver Skateboard gang were unavailable for comment.

Lisa Schilling and Jason Weber were last seen in Las Vegas. Their whereabouts now is unknown.


Really Big Mean Dog Publishing Presents: The Big Book of Words

September 16, 2014

for everyone’s edification, Stabby doesn’t know what edify means – Arizona

Oh hai everybody. I have decided to branch out into publishing to bring you the Big Book of Words. In an effort to help make everyone more Einstein-y than they are now, I have re-watched all the trial footage. ALL. OF. IT….So..you’re welcome. Don’t worry though, I already had the flu so the vomiting didn’t bother me much. I then put together a list of all the big words Stabby used during the trial. Well, not all of them, just the ones that were used for no other reason than to use a big word, words that were used incorrectly and words that most normal people unless they were writing a thesaurus would never use in a sentence. I have also included a few words that Juan or Nurmi threw out there (not the ones Nurmi made up though) that Stabby either incorporated into a sentence later or were just big words that irritated me. I have decided that because nothing makes sense about this trial I am going to post them in order of appearance or when I thought of them instead of in alphabetical order because why not. On a totally unrelated note, I decided I better grab reallybigmeandog.com before one of the Wackadoo’s from Camp Stabby decided to fuck with it.
YAY!!

Most of the words contained in the Big Book of Words will be multi-syllabic. Stabby must have cruised right over single syllable words because only less Einstein-y then her people use them. Stabby also may know a lot of big words, but she does not understand the definition of quite a few of them.

Imply/Infer – Imply – indicate the truth by suggestion rather than by explicit reference. Ex. Stabby implied that she was more Einstein-y than her lawyers. Infer -conclude from evidence rather than from explicit statements. Ex. When I write, I am inferring that Stabby is stupid and uses big words to cover it up.

Edify – To teach someone in a way that improves character. Also to enlighten or inform. Stabby obviously has no idea what this word means since during Jurors questions she stated ” I wanted to Edify Travis only in good ways at that point, I didn’t want to say anything bad.” Pretty hard to enlighten, inform or teach somebody that’s dead…..just sayin’

De-edify – NOT A WORD unless you are all Einstein-y and can just invent words to go with the words you don’t know the meaning of to begin with.

Debase – to lower the value or reputation of someone/thing or to make less respectable. Apparently Stabby is all too familiar with the definition of debase.

Hotti Biscotti – Anybody Stabby is considering fucking at some point in time.

Monogamous – The state or practice of having only one sexual partner at a time. Unless you are Stabby….and you have to meet Ryan Burns.

Pedestrian – Adjective. Lacking inspiration or enlightenment. Dull. Stabby’s definition…insignificant.

Pejorative – A word or phrase that is intended to belittle. Expressing criticism. First used in court by Juan who immediately retracted it and instead used belittle. glommed onto and used by Stabby only 12:36 minutes later. Used incorrectly.

Contemporaneously – consisting or happening at the same time. Stabby murdered Travis and took pictures contemporaneously.

Ameliorate – to make something bad or unsatisfactory better. Stabby getting the death penalty would ameliorate the situation.

Discombobulated – disconcert or confuse. Juan has Stabby completely discombobulated.

Paaaar-tic-u-lar – exactly like particular, but much more important the way Stabby says it. (for Stabby’s Pencil)

Thank you for reading the first edition of the Big Book of Words. Really Big Mean Dog publishing sincerely hopes you feel much more Einstein-y than you did before you started.

If I have missed anything put it in the comments and I will publish it in volume two of the Big Book of Words.


Stabby’s Bangs Said to Say Hi.

September 15, 2014

Typing with one hand because my left ring finger is kinda jacked – Arizona

Oh hai kids. Todays blog will be brought to you by Fakor eyewear in remembrance of Stabby’s glasses. Sadly, we were unable to negotiate a hostage trade for them. I want you to know we did our best. We offered, poprocks, tootsie pops, a couple of forged documents, 2 strawberry frapachinos and a penicillin shot in exchange for the glasses. They countered with the locations of Nurmi’s and all the other chairs of the court which obviously we could not do. Sorry Stabby’s glasses. We tried our best.

Since we were unable to secure their release, Stabby’s glasses are up for auction for a starting bid of 500 dollars. Net proceeds to be donated to an unnamed “charity.” This is on the Auntie Stabby run site as opposed to the J4Stabby site which is the one run by our Ice Cream party/Vegas loving friend Lisa Schilling and Jason the Grifter/Piece of human Garbage Weber. The best part of this auction is that you have to put up a “refundable” $250 in order to bid. I have a couple of problems with this auction. The first one being net proceeds. If there are net proceeds that means that there were gross proceeds. While I agree that it’s Stabby so there is likely gross everything, I am very curious as to what her overhead costs were for this auction. Now, I have not attended the Dyson School of Applied Economics which may/may not actually exist, but I do know what gross and net mean. I have also noticed that on all of Stabby’s totally original tracings of other actual artworks, the same verbiage appears. So, what are we deducting from what we actually bring in (gross) to come up with what actually gets donated (net)? Stabby’s eye glasses would have been paid for by the State of Arizona during her incarceration so we can’t deduct the cost of those. Auntie Stabby has already said she refused to take an administration fee to look after Stabby’s stuff, so nope not that. I’m pretty sure ChaCha just smuggled the glasses out of jail so they didn’t have to be mailed or picked up by Auntie stabby so there is no overhead there either. Odd. The only other thing I can think if is the actual auction costs which I am guessing are going to be right around $500 or up. Wow, I solved a mystery.

Stabby was in court today so Judge Stephens could remove her as her own attorney and re-appoint Alfred E. Nurmi as her lawyer. She also said there would be no ex-parte hearing which totally pissed Stabby off. While I am starting to really dislike Judge Stephens she did get a few brownie points for the ex-parte refusal.

Stabby has a new hairdo. Since trial might actually be looming, Stabby actually had to cut her hair in case anybody came out of the fog long enough to remember all that crap about donating it for wigs for cancer patients. It actually worked out well for her because she looked even uglier than she did during the first trial. Prison food is also not agreeing with poor Stabby. Without her make-up artists you can see that Stabby has developed quite the zit flare-up. She could not help but gaze longingly into the pool camera during the entire proceeding.

Next we moved on to the camera motion. Our valiant little pitbull Juan Martinez has finally weighed in on the camera question. Since it is entirely possible that Juan hates Stabby more than anybody else on the planet, he decided that if there was a way to fuck with her, he would find it and use it. Today he came down on the side of having the PENALTY PHASE retrial aired. For those of you that don’t remember, up until now the state has taken no position on airing the retrial. Today he stated that it is the prosecutors opinion that the felon simply wants to control what information is or is not released publicly as proved by her giving several interviews throughout the trial including an interview right after the verdict. He sat down and Judge Stephens threw him a good-boy treat.

David Bodney, the very good attorney who represents several media outlets argued strenuously to allow the camera’s once again into the courtroom. He made many excellent points, stating that court proceedings are supposed to be public not cloaked in secrecy. He said that Stabby herself was the one who willingly and with seeming glee jumped onto the (“Yay, a camera I am going to be so famous”) bandwagon and the public should not be punished because she can’t control herself. He also said that to not allow them is frankly unconstitutional sighting supreme court decisions about camera’s in the courtroom. He asked for anyone to offer one bit of case law that argued differently. I personally want this trial aired on TV for very obvious reasons, but that aside Mr. Bodney is correct. He wants the ruling amended to a 30 minute delay between sessions which seems fairly equitable to me. Oh look, I brought the big book of words out again. YAY!!

Nurmi was next on the lets see if we can just argue this motion until she dies of natural causes train, but since Nurmi is totally over this whole mess, he didn’t really argue to strenuously or coherently for that matter. He said something about having assured the mitigations witnesses (really? They found more than one?) that there would be a media blackout. He said he was trying to protect Stabby from herself. He said that just because there were not enough seats in the courtroom was no reason that the re-trial needed to be aired to the world which to me says that the people that can get seats are somehow more deserving of seeing the trial. Apparently I was not the only one who saw it that way as Mr. Bodney also has a huge problem with that statement. While Alfred E. Nurmi is once again the first chair, the arguments he presented today were insignificant enough to show that he isn’t exactly thrilled about it. Everybody now feel bad for Nurmi. Or don’t, either or is good.

In other exciting Stabby news, she has waived her right to be at tomorrows hearing to go over jury selection procedure. Jury selection is still on to start on September 29th but I am not holding my breath. Expect either another “suicide attempt”, hospitalization for a brain tumor or a switch to unable to proceed due to her multiple personalities not being able to agree on what course of action to take. Someone tweeted for Stabby that it is taking new migraine medication so I’m betting on the brain tumor.

That’s it for tonight everybody. We have shit developing regarding ChaCha Delarosa and how deeply she is connected to the whole Stabby money collection scam. I will as always keep you updated.


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Varmt News Network

It's the Internet.

peskyvarmt

Just another WordPress.com site

Asleep in Left Field-My Life

4 out of 5 Friends recommend this WordPress.com site

Out in left field

(Totally fictional) Drama Queen Stories

CALLS FOR JUSTICE

sometimes, there are monsters walking amongst us