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The Screwdriver Wielding Skateboard Gang…Fuck, Sorry Wrong Trial Again. The Hippies Did It Part Two

December 31, 2017

Hai my lovelies.  Let us get back to the philandering, misogynistic, reprehensible human type hominid, piece of shit known as Jeffrey MacDonald

   What can I say, it seemed appropriate, although on a side note, I own a shirt that says surely not EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting.  I believe that is probably correct.

So, where were we?  Oh yeah boxing trip to Russia that never existed.  Anyway I’m gonna guess that is the proverbial straw although it could have been anything.  Maybe mama got tired of having two baby kids and one grown kid to fetch and carry for every single day, maybe she knew he was fucking anything that would stand still long enough for him to get his penis into, maybe she was pissed at his spending habits, maybe she was sick of being over ridden on every single nit picky thing.  Maybe all of them, but the experts all agree on one thing.  Colette likely landed the first blow in this battle royale.  He was brought into the ER with an abrasion on his temple which was surmised during the recreation of the crime scene to have probably come from a hair brush.  Bad choice of weapon.  So, now that superman I can do what I want when I want make us some drinks, i’m inviting the neighbours over, I have to go to Russia fuckface has been challenged and that my friends did not go over well in his psychotic and likely high on a wack of speed little brain.  (he was not tested for speed but joe McGuiness found some notes about it when going through macdonalds stuff, about how long it would take to metabolize and clear the bloodstream.  Anyway Jeffy Macfuckface came back with a piece of lumber which happened to be handy and rang Colette’s bell with it.  She bled profusely onto macdonalds pajama top before she grabbed the pocket and ripped it off.  remember that it will be on the test.

Kimmie, hearing the commotion came into mommy and daddys room and caught one in the head as MacDonald hauled up for another whack at Colette.  Kimmies skull was severely fractured and her cast off was found on the wall and in large quantities on the floor in the master bedroom.  About this time MacFuckface figured out he was well and truly fucked.  Pretty hard to explain you were just mad so you tried to beat your wife to death with a piece of timber.  He picked up Kimmie, put her back in her room and tucked her in, along with about of a dozen of the threads from his pyjama top that he supposedly did not have on according to the story he told later.  That was when he remembered good old burning in hell right now Charlie Manson and decided he better make some shit up.  the hippies did it seemed plausible so he went with that.  Now he was going to need an epic struggle with multiple assailants so he was going to need multiple weapons.  an old hickory knife and an icepick along with the club.  Colette had come to by this point and on instinct she tried to protect her cubs.  Machurryupanddiealready beat his soon to be dead wife furiously with the club as she lay across her child trying to protect her.  She likely died in that room.  Her blood spatter, brain matter and cast off were all found in the childs room.  He wrapped her up in some bedding and carried her very pregnant body back to the master, threw his pyjama top over her and then proceeded to icepick her 14 times.  Kimmie who was already dead from the crushed skull was attacked with the knife as well, and then the monster, this…thing went into his living baby child’s room, lay her across his lap and stabbed her to death.  She knew who killed her.  The daddy she loved so very much was the one inflicting all the pain she suffered before she died.  Had he been even slightly human he would have hit her femoral artery first, let her bleed out and then stabbed her after.  Much more humane.  At least in my opinion.  I mean he was a doctor, there are ways to do things and it still could look like the hippies did it.  Anyway, now he needed to stage a crime scene in the living room where he was supposedly attacked.  Jeffrey Macdonald is an idiot.  If you are staging a crime scene where a life and death struggle is supposedly taking place you fucking throw yourself around the room, you don’t just flip over a coffee table and prop it up with a copy of esquire prominently displayed with the articles about Mansons hippies in it.  Of course the neighbours might have become alarmed and we couldn’t have that.

Next Dr. Not a Doctor anymore fucker went into the bathroom, grabbed a scalpel which it has been surmised he hid under a floorboard and poked a hole between a couple of ribs.   Sadly he went to deep and nicked his lung and ended up with a pneumothorax for his trouble although it didn’t really go sideways till he was all tucked in at the hospital where in the immortal words of Freddy Kasaab, Colette’s step father “what wounds, he didn’t even have mecurachrome on him when we saw him”  True story.

He then staggered (barf) to a phone and begged for help(double barf). The MPS and ems showed up and totally fucked up the crime scene which is what made this trial drag on until the second coming of Christ.

Tomorrow, what happened at the hospital and how many fucking trials can one person possibly have.

RBMD peacing the fuck out.

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I Decided To Go Spelunking And See What I Could Find.

October 25, 2015

Good day everyone.  Your Law Professor/Dean of Fuckery/Doctor of Doctoring/Honorary DVM and Queen of all I survey has been doing a little bit of background on our precious little snowflake Philip Jism.  I had to look under a lot of rocks and at a lot of nasty bugs but I did find a veritable cornucopia of EWWWWWW.

Let us start where all good psychopaths start, at home.  Diana Jism, mom of Beelzebub was asked down to the station in hopes she might know where Colleen Ritzers body was.  She asked if she would require a lawyer and then went on to chat about how much Satan loves soccer and how he had only been in trouble one time in the two whole months he had been at Danvers High School.  At this point she was unaware that he was at the station.  Once she found that out the  first words out of her mouth were “did he hurt somebody?”  She thought it was the Spanish teacher.  Not another student but the Spanish teacher.  She admitted having no idea what her kid was doing between the end of school and when soccer practice started.  The next words out of her mouth and the ones that burn my ass like I ate a jar of hot sauce for dinner were “I do know he is capable of snapping, my son could have snapped, he is capable of that.” 

So, mom of Jism knew she had a rabid dog on her hands, failed to get any kind of intervention for said rabid dog like councelling  or a psychiatrist and sent him off to school every day.  She should need a fucking lawyer.

Moving on to the next rock lets bring out the legal aid attorneys.  I know we talked about who they are but now lets take a look at what they have done so far.   Firstly, I’d like to add the caveat the everyone has a job to do.  ditch diggers dig ditches, garbage men pick up garbage and legal aid attorneys do their best to get their slimball bastard clients off.   You know how in class there is always the top of the class and then that guy that barely makes it through?  Welcome to legal aid.  Thus far they have had his confession tossed as being coerced, they have pleaded Jism not guilty and have tried but failed to have him tried as a juvenile and to have the venue moved.  This is the job they get very  little money to do.  Now, since they are aware they are pretty much screwed they have decided on an insanity defense.  Just to waste some more time.  And money.  Billable hours add up you know.

Rock number 3 brings us to Philip Jism and it was a particularly icky one.  Covered in slime and crawling with bugs.

Jism has been a busy little Psychopath.  Not only did he rape, kill and desecrate the body of Colleen Ritzer, the sweet gentle little snowflake also made time to assault a staff member at the department of youth services in June.  He “allegedly” tried to strangle the woman at the Metro Youth Facility.  He followed her into a bathroom, and assaulted her until co-workers heard her scream and rushed in to help.  Charges are attempted murder by strangulation, assault with intent to murder, kidnapping and two counts of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.  My goodness, if I didn’t know any better I’d say our budding your psychopath has a modus operandi.

The insanity defense I am pretty sure came from Jism, the lawyers are just going with it.  All of a sudden, Jism is hearing voices, banging his head off of things and asking officers to shoot him.  I wonder if that would count as assisted suicide and we could just be done with this.

This brings us to now. Jury selection has been halted while we play out this little charade of insanity.  Totally a Judge David Lowy ordered an evaluation which could take up to 20 days. He is being evaluated at the Worcester Recovery Center and Hospital where he is being held in an adult locked unit and has no access to any unsecured areas.

Lead prosecutor Kate MacDougal while rolling her eyes so hard they almost bounced across the room said she expects the exam will find Jism completely competent.  He has a long and storied history of manipulation to get what he wants.

I turned over a lot of rocks.  You’re welcome

RBMD Peacing the Fuck Out

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The In House Psychic Has Finally Decided To Do Her Damn Job-Stabby’s Letter

May 30, 2015

Yeah, I know you can hear me bitch, you’re a psychic.

Hi everyone, it’s me Dean of Fuckery, Law Professor, Resident sarcasm expert and Queen of all I survey. We have had yet another contract dispute with my in house psychic; something about working conditions or some shit. Truthfully I just heard wah wah wah. Anyway, since she consulted a lawyer who informed her that a contract of indentured servitude is binding she better suck it up and write before I take away her TV time or something.

Check this out http://www.kimawhittemore.com/#!press/cnec it’s pretty cool that we are on an authors press site.

Oh, there seemed to be some confusion over the bad penny post, there was never a part two and I have no clue why the link wouldn’t work to the original. Seems to work now. Anyway without further interruption, the in house psychic brings you what Stabby really meant when she wrote that letter.

why do I always get stuck with the stabby shit? WHY? Why can’t I do a nice reading on Charles Manson or That dick that shot up the theatre. Do you hate me? FINE. Pass the Tylenol and the Pretoria puke bucket. You’re such a bitch. Yes I know you heard me I said it out loud.

4/25/2015

Hi everyone! I hope things suck as hard for all of you as they do for me at the moment because if I’m suffering, you should all be suffering. I’m getting settled in, I’m already somebody’s prison bitch. That is just how hot I am. The day I arrived, people threw rotten food at me professionally and efficiently. Good aim too. I got a used tampon in the face. My mom said I look like a serial killer in my DOC photo which made me laugh because we all know I never got the chance to be a serial killer… unless you count the missing animals around the neighborhood. After my photo shoot for life without parole monthly I was taken to CDU (cootie Detention Unit) and placed on “watch” (suicide watch, that is because we all know I might try and papercut myself to death, if it didn’t sting so damn much). After a week, I was brought over to Lumley. I was totally put in Debbie’s old cell. . My cell is blue because they think it will remind me of Travis but because I am a heartless bitch of course it won’t. I have a grey desk and shelving, unfinished concrete floor. It stinks like urine and hopelessness. This place is teaming with little animals for me to kill if I can just get my hands on them. Lots of different birds and prairie dogs ( at least that’s what everyone calls them). They have dog in their name and remind me of doggie boy so I plan on kicking one every chance I get. I saw one take off w/a chunk of bologna the other day! (Yep, there is bologna here!) I also saw some officers with poisonous pellets they said were for the prairie dogs, but guess who is skipping dinner tonight just in case.

I won’t go on too much about the food. It’s pretty gross but not quite as gross as before. Everyone says how awful the food at MCSO is because it fucking is.

I’m currently segregated while they toss the prison daily for shanks. They are up to 987. Some of them even have my name on them. How freaking cool is that. I’m a rockstar. Still, I’ve seen many familiar faces since arriving which is kind of a problem since they cannot deal with my superiority. Having been at Estrella for 6.5 years, I’ve seen many people go before me. They told everyone I was coming and how superior my intellect is so you can just imagine the welcome I got.

I’ve gotten some interesting feedback on my sentencing, most of it saying things like die you sloppy cooched whore. Jokes on them since I got life. In here. The general consensus (that I’m getting) is that people think I am a sick bitch for saying what I said. Well fuck them. One girl said I have “lady balls” of course that was Donovan so I don’t know if that counts. One guy(my dad actually) said what I said was “way overboard”. Well Dad, you can suck it. I’m sure it made some of my friends uncomfortable, and maybe even disgusted some of you. Well that was absolutely my intention, so Yay me. I have to say, I only wish I would have said MORE , not less. I could have given everyone nightmares for the next 5 years and I’d be in your heads for ever. I’m already as famous as Charles Manson. I owe my life to #17 and I sure hope that check clears. She earned it.

I had only intended to apologize and declare my own commitment to pay restitution. (Even though I’m the one that thought 2nd degree and 10 years was fair for slaughtering Travis so it’s not my fault there were two trials. My statement was not an appeal for leniency it was a heartfelt fuck you. God himself could have parted the heavens and commanded the judge to be lenient because hey in my world that could totally happen – she would have disobeyed him because she saw through my bullshit, which in retrospect pisses me off. I put on such a good show, how the hell did that dumb bitch see through it. So, after two trials with a prosecutor that I like to call corrupt because it makes me feel better about my useless legal team, then having to listen to more lies and distortions and facts from the TA camp at sentencing – well, my high tolerance for B.S. from anyone that isn’t me had simply reached its maximum capacity. I consulted with my legal team; they told me to shut the fuck up and stick to the script.

If you wrote a letter to the judge asking if there was a way around a unanimous vote for death fuck you. I’m looking at you dad. It’s probably not something one does very often. The judge took 10 minutes to read, what, almost 1 letter – which doesn’t include the 75 feet or so of travel time from the bench to chambers and back. Thank you all so much for being the gullible bitches that you are. I’m really not worthy but since you cannot seem to figure that out I’m just going with it. Your money is precious to me so dig deep for that appellate fund, or Costa Rica fund if I happen to escape. Either/or.

Stabby Einstein.

this is the in house psychic signing out and plotting ways to get out of my contract.  Excuse me I think I may have to throw up.

Ummm, thank you in house Psychic.  So there you have it kids, the letter stabby was thinking while she wrote the other one.

Have a spectacular evening.  RBMD peacing the fuck out!

EDIT:  I would just be an ignorant person if I did not acknowledge the outpouring of love and support over the last couple of months.  You have no idea how much your well wishes and thoughts and prayers meant to me.  Thank you for the emails, the e-cards and for just letting me know I was in your thoughts.  I am so happy to be back amongst the no kill shelter and writing again.  Thank you all from the bottom of my cold dead heart.  You all mean the world to me.


The Stabby Einstein Penalty Phase Retrial- Garbage In Garbage Out Edition (thank you Jeffrey Gold)

December 16, 2014

 

If I lose this post again I’m just not fucking posting it- Arizona

Hai everybody. So, I just wrote and lost this blog. TWICE. We are having brown outs and for whatever reason my computer is not saving anygoddamnthing at the moment. I am not amused. But, I am dedicated if nothing else so I will try this one more time.

I have to give Nurmi some credit because he has pulled off a brilliant tactical move. He won’t say whether Stabby will or won’t continue to testify until he hears from the COA so Juan can’t make a motion to have her testimony stricken if she decides not to testify. And he did it just before he brought out the defenses next idiot for Hire Dr. Gefner. Otherwise known as the human ventriloquist dummy. Dr. Geffner of water spilling fame from the first trial. So whatever she said is still in the Jury’s minds, can’t be stricken and now we have some paid doofus to further pound whatever it was into their heads.

Jenny From the Cell Block is up on Direct and we are once again going through the entire life and times of Dr. Geffner. For those of you who missed the first time around, this is what happened: Harpo, who dis man is, Arizona

If foghorn Leghorn and General Custer had a kid, it would be the dude on the let’s try and make all these nice people think these are not the droids they are looking for sur-rebuttal train. Aerosmith was present for a scathing rendition of “Train Kept Rollin’ which had the entire gallery on its feet. The vet waited patiently as Conductor Stephens kept the minions shoveling coal and the train picked up speed. Jenny from the Cell Block took a stab (yes, I said it and it stays) at something new today. Boring the jury into submission just so they could get the hell out of there. We spent an entire day talking about the Foghorn leghorn Jedi Masters credentials. Where he went to school, how long he went to school, who he banged at school, how many bong hits he took at school, his favorite cafeteria food at school. The fact that he NEVER talked about Stabby, or read a police report only came up when he stared straight into the gallery and did that Jedi thing with his hands and said “None of those facts are relevant” The only time we were actually sure he was alive was when he got onto the subject of Janeen DeMarte and her Diagnosis of BPD. With a totally straight face he told Jenny from the cell block that he’s right, Janeen is wrong neener neener. It was a breathtaking display of testimony.

Alfred E. Nurmi spent a good deal of the day looking like he paid the vet to shoot a dart into his ass and Stabby stared at the jury like the death eater that she secretly is. All we need now is he who shall not be named, Harry Potter and a wand dual and the circle of life will be complete.

Jenny from the Cell Block is going to lose points in the beauty part of the pageant of the insane due to the ever growing bald spot on her head. Good thing she has all that poise and charm or she’d be out already.

Geffner actually managed to keep a straight face as he told the jury he determined Stabby didn’t lie or distort her answers on Dr. Demarte’s psychological tests. He also said the tests did not indicate an aggressive, hostile, or violent personality, but rather a crushed flower in the throes of PTSD. The sympathy vote missed the whole thing as she snored through the testimony.

Geffner decided court would be a great place to practice his standup routine. This expert witness with eighthundredmillion years worth of experience couldn’t operate the touch screen computer and managed to spill water all over himself, the witness stand, the floor, the vet and conductor Stephens a couple of times.

The highlight of the entire routine however was when Geffner, who has a familiarity with brains, you know like I have a familiarity with nuclear fusion, was asked to use his zero experience with autopsies to refute Medical Examiner Horne’s testimony about the gunshot coming last. The psychologist/standup comedian testified that in his inexperienced and totally untrained opinion, Travis could have turned into a zombie and totally continued to walk and stuff. Then he took another bong hit and braced while the dog handler put the attack suit on him before they turned Juan loose.

Somebody had some extra raw steak at lunch because a completely foaming at the mouth Juan fairly leapt out of his chair and charged the obviously terrified Geffner. He immediately crushed his non-existent credibility by informing the gallery that dudes testimony had been tossed as having absolutely no merit at several other trials where he’d been a witness. Mortimer Snerd just smiled and giggled in what seemed to be an attempt to keep the obviously rabid pit-bull at bay.

Juan then to the surprise of absolutely no one anywhere, proceeded to lay the smack down of all smack downs on the ventriloquist dummy sitting on the stand about Mortimers absolutely no validity, uniformed thoughts on Travis’ gunshot wound. The smell of brimstone started to permeate the air and we all wondered for a moment if Jenny would be called back from whence she came due to her stunning FAIL at ever calling this witness.

That was last time. Time has to be better right. He’s had practice now. He knows what to do. You would think that but no it was pretty much exactly the same.  Juan has already had to have two darts put into him because he got the illustrious Psychologist’s notes from the university of Malingering (thank you Stabby’s Pencil) for fun and profit at just past 11pm last night.  Geffner the human ventriloquist dummy is expected to be on the stand all week (oh goody) and Juan needs at least two days to interview him.  This time around Mortimer Snerd isn’t just going to talk about his interviews with Stabbykins he is also going to talk about every other experts interview with her which doesn’t sound quite right to me. Remind me to check on that.  He already has the Dr. Samuels I love you Stabbykins look on his face so she has obviously been communing with Satan again.  Since she doesn’t have a soul maybe she just traded him for some anal and a blowie?

Going over the MMPI2 that diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder and instead of arguing this time he is likely to agree, because agreeing means she has a mental problem and somebody on the Jury might go for that.

Stabby apparently reported lots of symptoms of trauma probably largely in part to things like killing a guy and then telling a bunch of bullshit that nobody believed and then being incarcerated. I’d be a little traumatized too.

The Jedi Master is now going over Stabby’s rather high score on Stabby being a psychopath. Bet they didn’t pay him to say that shit.  I got 5 that says that was said accidentally.  She also has major sexual issues to which the entire planet collectively said “No. Really?”

Since pretty much every time Stabby opens her mouth it is either self serving or an outright lie I would say most of what Geffner has to say is useless because if he hasn’t noticed she LIES.

He actually called the PTSD that she has from butchering a man a mitigating factor.  I shit you not he really honest to god said that.  He has however so far managed to not spill anything on himself so he is at least doing better that way.  Just as an aside the Jury isn’t taking any notes on the Psych testimony so whatever her super secret testimony was, it looks like they don’t really give a shit.

Mortimer Snerd admitted on the record that nobody knows what the fuck is going on in that psychotic little head of hers, it’s all just a guess.  ON THE RECORD.

That is it for today kids, but just think we have a whole week of this to look forward too.  Juan shredded him last time, I hope he brought the attack suit.

Have a great night. RBMD peacing the fuck out.

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Life Without Parole – A Guest Blog Series By BlueWhiteRed

December 6, 2014

Your Law Professor/Dean of Fuckery/Queen of the region of Mean, is very tired so Blue stepped in for me

Edit:  I am still here kids.  My surgery is not until January.  My Dr’s have simply advised that I try and take it easy which is why Blue has so graciously picked up the reins.  I will be back for Stabby 2morrow.

Welcome to Doing LWOP (1 of ?)

Hi, BlueWhiteRed (BWR) here. In my efforts to make Kelly stay still and rest up, I wanted to become Adjunct Faculty at the Really Big Mean Dog School of Law, as her Associate Professor of Real Life For Felons. Please stand up, face your nearest Department of Corrections and salute. Thanks. My wife saluted me back.

I am not a felon. I am squeaky clean. I haven’t had a speeding ticket since 1996, in a tiny town called Welcome. Can you stand that? I want to write what I know about being a young female doing Life Without Parole (LWOP) in a state prison. I know such a girl. She is not in AZ but really, on the state level, I don’t think it much matters.

I won’t tell you her name, the state, the prison, her crime or my opinion of her guilt. I will just try to show you what I have seen with my eyes, heard from her directly, or researched on my own. My wife knows everything (remember, Juan said, “With the truth, you ain’t got to remember nothing?”) so she knows I write this, and knows the contact I have with “My Prison Girlfriend” (that’s what Mrs. BWR calls her). For you, let’s call her Susan.

Susan has been in prison for 12 years. It took about 8 years for her case to go to trial, from crime occurring to commencement. She has been on house arrest and pre-trial incarceration. She had never committed a crime before this. Her case was fairly notorious where it occurred although not televised. I was not in the USA when it was adjudicated. She was a professional person with a post-graduate degree.

She is not liked in prison. There is one prison for females and so she is high security. She can’t hold a job, take classes. The COs hate her, probably because she will not shut up about the smallest of things she perceives to be unfair. I have tried many times to tell her to choose her battles carefully, you know, like those people on “Extreme Couponing”. I never understand how they lose their minds when 1 coupon doesn’t double. Maybe it’s just me. Anyway…the CO is not supposed to be her friend. But she has a lot of problems remembering that prison is not a democracy, and she surrendered most of her rights when the gate closed behind her. She has not been beaten or raped, and has become “Gay for the Stay” (as they say). Unfortunately, she is the poster child of who I predict Jodi will become, should she receive LWOP. She has ample commissary (what some jails/prisons call “canteen”. It’s money earned or sent for the inmate to use to buy things that are not given to them.) So, she gets involved emotionally with women whose goals are to milk her, financially via her commissary account. Then they get transferred to another Bunkie and Susan ends up heartbroken and with yet another new Bunkie. A Bunkie is a prison term for your cellmate. The COs rotate every couple of months, and from her letters and calls, I can tell when a Stickler is on her block versus someone less so. I never have gotten the impression she has gotten in good (not sexually) with any CO or administrator. Because she is the Norma Rae of that place, they do tend to take her protestations seriously but do not do anything to appease her.

In this series, I will tell you about a typical day for her, the day I had visiting her, the day I spent shadowing a county CO when I was offered a job as a CO and anything I can to help you see what a LWOP involves. I hope to dispel some things I hear like, “free medicine for life”, and that they have computers/Internet, etc. Personally, I think Jodi deserves the death penalty. I think the cruelty and absolute lack of remorse, plus the sadism she shows (the irises she sent Travis’ Grandmother?) make her the worst of the worse. But this isn’t about Jodi Arias. This is about what LWOP means. Right at this moment, I don’t know which is worse.

Feel free to leave specific questions in the comments and I’ll regularly post an FAQ at the end of each post. As I’m sure most of us would say, Kelly — rest and get stronger. We all miss you and want to hear your magnificent humor and take on the soap opera in Maricopa County.

BWR – roger out.

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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law: Computer Forensics Explained. A Guest Blog By Marti

November 26, 2014

Hello everyone.   As your Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery, it is very important to me that I STRESS that the law is supposed to be used to put those who commit crimes in jail and keep those who do not out.  I understand that this is often not the case, but any Law Professor worth their salt really does want to see the law used for its intended purpose.  With that in mind and because I am sure I can do a much better job, I am appointing myself to the bench and may now hereby be referred to as Judge Really Big Mean Dog, Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery.

I, Kelly AKA Really Big Mean Dog, do solemnly affirm that I will administer justice way better than the sometimes Judge that I am about to kick the I mean take the place of temporarily, and that I will faithfully and impartially discharge and perform all the duties incumbent upon me as a Jurist and as the Dean of Fuckery of The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law  under the Constitution and laws of the United States; and that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; ESPECIALLY when the constitution is being treated like a kickball by some idiot attorney with way to much time on his hands; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, regardless of my serious mental issues and because I can make the law way more fun than it is right now; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. 

YAY!!!  Now that I am a Judge, there are some pressing matters that I must attend to in Arizona (like all of them)  so tonight there will be a brief lesson on Computer Forensics by this weeks teaching assistant.  Marti please take the floor.

A Simple Lesson in Computer Forensics

Duck for Flying Shrapnel

Hi class, my name is Marti, the assistant to the assistant Dean of  Fuckery. You know the ritual, so please sit down and get your note taking equipment ready.

As various electronic devices are part of our daily lives, you need to understand the basic rules when one of those devices is taken into evidence. Never touch any part of the device, unless you know that the fingerprint experts have completed their task.

In this class we will discuss a computer in evidence. If you and your team want to see what files are on the computer, don’t do it without an expert in computer forensics. I see some of you with puzzled looks, so let me explain. What if the simple act of turning on the computer and booting it causes it to “blow up?”  What if the computer contains a real bomb? However, the computer may also be loaded with software that will cause all files to be erased when the computer is booted, another form of “blowing up.”

OK, so the computer didn’t “blow up” and the files seem to be there. But what happened when the computer was booted up? The computer goes through many housekeeping procedures when it’s booted up. Those housekeeping procedures may destroy evidence that your expert will need for analysis. Log files, cache files, history files, etc. may be erased or modified.

I see more puzzled looks. You need to know this because your integrity as a lawyer may be called into question if a computer that your team examined shows improper forensic computer science was used.

A properly trained computer forensics expert will not turn on a computer, they will remove the hard drive of the computer and then make a copy, often called mirror image or clone.  The copy of the hard drive will then be used for analysis. The copy must be write-protected, that is, encoded with software that prohibits anyone from erasing or modifying files.  The computer and the original hard drive will be placed in a secure location.

Also, make sure that all documentation shows the correct chain of evidence. Make sure that all documentation shows the procedures used in making a copy of the hard drive, and the procedures used by trained computer forensic experts during analysis.

If you have any questions please submit them in the form of a Haiku or 1500 word essay.  Or don’t. Either works.

That is it for tonight class.  Since tonight I am the assistant to the assistant Dean of Fuckery;  Marti peacing the fuck out!!
Class dismissed.

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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law – The “You’re a Dick! No, You’re a Dick!” Hearing

November 22, 2014

Hello Students.  Please stand and face Florida for the singing of the Class anthem.  Now Salute!! Thank you take your seats.  Your Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery has had a very trying day.  There is nothing that I hate more than hearings.  Any kind of hearings.  Ones that have bearing on a case at hand are enough of a pain in the ass never mind the ones we are going to be talking about today where it is nothing more than a pissing contest in order to waste even more time than has already been wasted.

Before we start class, I have some announcements.  We have reached the half way portion of the term.  Congratulations to everyone who has made it this far as well as congratulations to Deb on giving up her sharp instrument fetish as well as to Silly for her stunning knife collection.  We will begin campaigning for who will give the fuckology address at graduation, so get out there and flog for votes.  Oh, and since ultimately it is my decision, I suggest bribes.  Remember what I told you in class before. If opposing council offers you large sums of money and nobody saw it, did it really ever happen?  In the event that your Law Professor needs to take some time off, BlueWhiteRed has agreed to run the class for me while I am away.  You will of course make your Dean of Fuckery proud and make sure to take notes and turn in all assignments on time.  BWR will be fielding all emails, comments, and will no doubt be requesting some guest blogging so please think of some subjects you may want to write about.  This is only if I don’t feel that I can blog while I convalesce.  The doctor assures me that if I am feeling up to it, I can blog from the hospital so we will see.

Take out your tablets, this is something that as lawyers you are unfortunately going to have to deal with on probably more than one occasion.

There are many reasons for hearings to be held.  There could be a problem with a witness.  There could be accusations of Jury tampering, there could be hearing regarding what evidence is admissible or whether an expert witness needs to be qualified.  These are all perfectly valid reasons to hold hearings.  Then of course there are the bullshit hearings that are meant to do nothing more than waste time and try and stall the inevitable a little bit longer.  In this category there is the “I need 127 more months with the evidence because 6 years wasn’t enough” hearing, the “I am offended by the press that I loved long time during the first trial” hearing and when all else fails and both sides want to punch each other directly in the nuts, there is the “you’re a dick! No. You’re a dick!” hearing.  That is the hearing we will be concentrating on today.

The “you’re a dick. No, you’re a dick hearing is basically where opposing council, a court reporter, the judge, depending on who council is a vet with a tranquilizer gun, two or three fake experts, the defendant in all its jingly jangly glory, the representatives of the family of the victim if they so wish and if it is a really good hearing usually a referee and a couple of medics. Once everyone is present the hearing will begin. Except it won’t because defense council will immediately begin telling the sometimes Judge at the hearing that he does not want his client filmed during the hearing. Just as a side note, if you passed contract law and you want to be a defense attorney, you can usually wrangle being paid by the word or word and length of trial. Things to remember when deciding what specialty to go into. Once defense is told to sit on it and spin the hearing can begin.

There will be some vaguely believable reason to have the hearing.  It will usually start with one lawyer calling the other lawyer a big fat liar liar pants on fire.  The insulted party will than usually come back with something like I’m not the liar, you are the liar and your expert is an idiot.  The first lawyer will generally come back with my expert is less of an idiot than your expert because they can make shadow animals in eyeballs to which offended lawyer number one will laugh and say oh yes the Taco Bell dog, I remember it well. He will likely present a visual just to prove he does remember this particular idiot expert. taco bell dog

 

After a bit more back and forth, the inevitable You’re a dick. No, you’re a dick will be given voice and that is when the fun really begins.

If you are dealing with a particularly um……lively attorney, tranquilizer darts 1 and 2 will likely be deployed and everyone will hope they have some effect.  There will generally be back up darts on hand just in case.  Then and only then can the battle of the idiot expert witnesses begin.

The referee will likely position himself between opposing council and near the top corner of where idiot expert number 1 is seated.

Opposing council will each have a go at each idiot expert.  It will quickly become apparent which side each idiot expert is working for.  Every once in a while you will get a bonus and you will have an idiot expert that was formerly and idiot expert in a different area of expertise.  Those are always a good time.  They are ALWAYS the cocky ones.

Lets say we have suddenly missing files on a computer hard drive.  Defense council will say that prosecution council knew about the files and deleted them on purpose.  Prosecution council will deny that this ever occurred.  Prosecutions idiot witness will say that there were ZERO files on the computer.  Defenses idiot expert that has already failed in one discipline will say that that there were 800 billion porn files that were deleted and will then proceed to get into an epic pissing match with the prosecuting attorney.  If you have a prosecuting attorney who needs to be tranquilized prior to being turned loose on witnesses, this is not generally recommended but can be hysterically funny.

First, the attorneys will argue with who asked for the evidence, who had the evidence, who turned on the evidence, how long they turned it on for, whether it was even the correct evidence, if there was even evidence and eventually it will get blamed on some third party who no longer has anything to do with the trial. This attorney will then become offended and they will offer testimony of the it wasn’t me variety. See our second class of the case study of the it wasn’t me defense. It wasn’t me will blame the prosecuting attorney, the prosecuting attorney will blame it wasn’t me and one or more of the idiot experts and if he’s good, like Juan Martinez good he will even get it alluded too that the defendant itself did it onto the record.

In extremely rare circumstances you may get an idiot expert that chooses that particular moment to completely lose their shit and that is when you leave stupid boring hearing and you have a party on your hands. This is also when you get to find out why there is a tranquilizer gun and a referee on hand. For brevities sake we will refer to idiot expert as BN for Big Numpti. BN may take several moments to up his laptop so that it can be projected onto the big screen. The BN will then explain what the current iteration of his area of idiot expertise is. The BN will then go over all the rules of forensics as he understands them. The first rule of forensics is that you don’t talk about forensics………..wait, I may have that mixed up with something else, your Law Professor is very tired. Anyway, BN will then go over the last time the drive with the missing files was turned on (maybe he tells it how hot it is and asks if it wants to see his disc drive or something who the fuck knows) how long it was on for, what it did while it was on, then BN will explain that turning the cpu on and off without an NCASE program in place violates forensics protocols. Then BN will go over of the Trojans and viruses that caused some of the porn files to magically appear and that there were also tons, like 80 bajillion porn files that were manually accessed. (why does manually accessed sound dirty when coupled with the word porn?) This type of Q and A will last for the better part of forever and you will probably fall asleep five or six times during this part of the hearing. It is only when the prosecutor gets up to examine the idiot witness that the fun and games begin.

First BN will say there were 166000 porn files on the hard drive. ONE. HUNDRED. AND. SIXTY. SIX. THOUSAND. this will be your clue that this particular BN is going in. The prosecuting attorney who has already been tranquilized will choose that moment to show the entire room that the dope doesn’t work anymore and snap at the BN “YOU’RE GUESSING RIGHT? YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW.” BN will let us know at this moment that he has for sure gone insane when he refers to the prosecuting attorney BY. HIS. NAME. and fire back that the thing was packed with porn. Phones with missing sim cards may come up, and if the prosecutor is good like I said they will get it insinuated on the record that the defendant did something with the evidence to get rid of it. The BN may try to argue the point and the referee may have to jump in the middle to hold the prosecutor off long enough for another dart to be deployed before he snaps out “YOU WEREN’T THERE WHEN THESE PHONES WERE SEIZED WERE YOU?” The prosecuting attorney will be by now foaming at the mouth at being challenged by the BN. It will quite frankly piss him off. If you think the prosecutor is dangerously angry at this point, start placing side bets on what it takes to push him completely over the edge and hope the BN says something like “Your question is irrelevant.” Then hope you bet within the next 60 seconds as the BN says “You don’t understand computers.” that should do the trick in most hearings of this nature.

The prosecuting attorney at this point should make suggestions that BN himself broke the hard drive. The obviously insane BN will have some charming retort like that is just slimy. Twice. The sometimes Judge attending the hearing will at about this point notice that the prosecuting attorney is very close to launching and possibly mauling the BN to death so the hearing will be called for the day and not reconvened for about a month, hopefully giving the veterinarian time to find some new kind of tranquilizer to use at the remainder of the hearing.

There you have it class, the You’re a dick! No. You’re a dick! hearing. Have a lovely evening.

Class dismissed.

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Varmt News Network

It's the Internet.

peskyvarmt

Just another WordPress.com site

Asleep in Left Field-My Life

4 out of 5 Friends recommend this WordPress.com site

Out in left field

(Totally fictional) Drama Queen Stories

CALLS FOR JUSTICE

sometimes, there are monsters walking amongst us