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The Stabby Penalty Phase Retrial-The Never Ending Side-Bar Edition.

October 28, 2014

Good thing I kept the Pretoria puke bucket-Arizona

Hai kids. Hope everyone is well.

In Ontario today we laid Cpl. Cirillo to rest. Christine Beswick covered the funeral and will have an article up tomorrow. She is linked in the Blogroll if you are interested in reading it.

The Goodman verdict came in today. He was the super rich dude that was convicted of vehicular homicide and DUI manslaughter and then was granted a new trial. He got reconvicted today for the same things. DUI manslaughter and Vehicular homicide. Hope he gets more than the 16 years he got the first time around.

Today is the day we have all been dreading. It is a good thing I kept the puke bucket because I thought we all might need it. Today is the day we are going to get to see naked Stabby and get to listen to the vomit inducing illegally recorded phone sex tape. You’re welcome.

Court opened with an immediate sidebar because why not. If Alfred E. Nurmi isn’t going to win the world record for the most motions ever, he is damn well going to win for the most side-bars in a criminal trial ever. He’s no quitter!!

Her royal Highness Stabbykins was dressed in royal blue I’m sure just to piss off the Alexander family. Her glasses are still present. Expect to see them on E-bay the day after the trial is over. Cha Cha showed up in hot salmon today because if you reek like a fish you might as well dress like one I guess.

Alfred E. Went back to the defense table and he and Stabby had a deep and meaningful discussion about how much he hates her right now. Jenny From the Cell Block acted as referee.

Sometimes Judge Stephens gave an admonition to the gallery not to react to the phone sex tape when it is played. Only Travis’ brother was in the courtroom at this time. Then his sisters came back in.

Alfred E. got up and began his cross examination of Detective Flores. He hammered and hammered and hammered about who’s theory it was that the gunshot came first. He asked Flores how old Stabby was when she committed the crime and if she had a prior criminal record. Flores asked if he wanted her age in human or dog years. Human I guess so he said 27 and no she did not have a criminal record. He asked if Flores about the shell casing that was found and then started with the shower photo’s.

He showed one of Travis with his back turned to the camera and decides to just make a supposition and says if she wanted to kill him she could have done it then. Juan immediately objects; speculation and is sustained. Alfred E. was not to be deterred today though. He was animated enough that he almost appeared to be awake at times. He asked why the two Ninja’s were not looked into and Flores answered because all roads led to the three holed wonder. Nurmi was VERY lively this time around.

Next we got Jumbotron meat flaps. Aren’t ya glad I brought the puke bucket. Because the Jurors have not yet been tortured enough, the next pic was Jumbotron Stabby wonder hole number 2. Nurmi asked if it looked like Travis didn’t want to be there. Flores said no. Point being made by Nurmi is that this is not a man afraid of a stalker. He was banging the bitch, taking pictures of her naked, and spending time with her.

There was a 10 minute recess and then the phone sex-tape was on. Travis’ sisters left once again. The bailiff was polite enough to pass out barf-bags just in case the Pretoria puke bucket was being used by the gallery.

To summarize the sex tape, close your eyes, picture Stabby and her overused floppy cooch, a boomerang dick and then step on a cats tail. That pretty much sums it up.

Some interesting things that I noticed though. He obviously did not know he was being recorded. Travis says on the tape that he doesn’t like Spiderman or superman when they begin talking about superheroes so it’s pretty obvious he didn’t send the underwear. Most importantly, he NEVER said he loved her, not in 40 some odd minutes. Actually as soon as he was done yanking it, he started yawning and it was like “OK hooker, I’m done, I’d like to peace the fuck out now.”

The Stabby FREAKS have been coming out of the woodwork trying to make their aging very badly queen look better, and doing a really bad job at it.
See!!! stabby photoshop stabby photoshop 2 Bwahahahahahaha.

After lunch Alfred E. began the slander portion of the program. He went after Flores with a renewed gusto. He wanted to know if Travis was using his own free will when he said he wanted to stick his dick in her ass. He then started to go after Travis’ faith at which point Juan got a little pissy. He objected, there was a sidebar and Nurmi came back and qualified Flores as an LDS expert. He has been a member of the faith for decades apparently. He wanted to know if people believed Travis was a virgin. Flores said they did. Next question was does the law of chastity allow Travis to shoot Jizz on Stabby’s face. Juan Objected. Nurmi is trying to get the point across that Travis was a hypocrite and unfortunately I think he succeeded.

Juan got up and sadly for the first time he had to do damage control. Juan asked if slitting someone’s throat is condoned by Mormon teachings. Did Travis ever say he loved her. Flores said not that he was aware of. He asked if sex was the same as love. Flores said no. Does not following the law of chastity mean he deserved to have his throat slit? Of course not. Juan asked if there was any indication she was forced to pose for photos? Flores said none. He asked if Flores ever uncovered anything that said she was a nut bag. Not in his opinion. Then it got a little weird. Juan asked Flores if he believed she had parents. Alfred E. Objected. He asked Flores if he ever had sex with Nurmi? WTF and EWWWWW. Objection. Did you have sex with Stabby Einstein. WTF and BARF aaand I fucking object. I don’t need that mental picture thank you. He then asked if Flores disbelieved everything she told him and he said no.

Nurmi was back up and he asked Flores if he was writing a book. A couple of times. Flores was offended. I wonder who could have put an idea like that into Nurmi’s head? *cough*PIGVOMIT*cough* He asked Flores if he had a mind reading certificate to which he answered no, but he heard about some blogger with an in house psychic. He said that he could not then know what she was thinking when she was in Selinas to which he answered no and Baby Jesus answered my prayer and ended re-cross.

The State rested underlying evidence and mitigation starts on Thursday.

All in all it was NOT a good day for the prosecution. I think that the DP may be off the table kids. Alfred E. did a good job today. I give credit where it is due and he did a good job of confusing the Jury and taking down the States case today.

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Stabby Updates And Some Thoughts on What Has Transpired In Canada Over The Last Two Days.

October 24, 2014

I wear combats, not fatigues and I work for a “lef-tenant”, not a “loo-tenant.”

I drive an Iltis, not a Jeep or a Humvee and the weapon I carry for my protection is a C7, not an M16.

I observe from, or take cover in, a trench and not a foxhole.

I don’t just speak English or French, nor am I bilingual. I can speak many languages.

Although I am trained to fight in a war, I don’t cause them.

When I am not deployed on a mission of peace, I travel all over my country; fighting forest fires, battling floods, rescuing lost souls or repairing damages caused by an ice storm.

I try not to take sides and believe in treating all humanity equally.

I don’t just go on patrols; I also clear landmines to make the area safe for everyone.

In my off-duty hours while deployed, I occupy myself by rebuilding schools or playgrounds and, I teach children in a war-torn country about peace and harmony.

I am my country’s best ambassador and I am respected the world over for what I do best.

I carry my country’s flag shamelessly and hold my head up high wherever I go.

I am….A Proud Canadian Soldier.
Author Unknown.

Hai everyone. It is your favorite blogger extraordinaire, Kelly “Really Big Mean Dog” or as I seem to be known is certain circles on twitter, “that fucking bitch that will not shut the fuck up.” I’m rather partial to the second one but it’s too long.

I have decided that for the duration of the Stabby PENALTY PHASE RE-TRIAL we are going to implement a palette cleanser of sorts: Sick Fuck Saturday. This will be where we will pick a trial from the past and I will tear it up much like my dog likes to tear up shoes….and chairs….and other assorted stuff. It should be fun and serve as a reminder that the criminal world does not revolve solely around Stabby Einstein. I was going to do it tonight, but I do have a couple of Stabby updates that are relevant and I want to talk about Cpl. Cirillo for a bit, as well as how Canada fits into wars and stuff. I think That Sick Fuck Saturday should be pretty fun and also interactive as I am encouraging you all to not only choose some old cases to talk about, but also if you feel so inclined, to send me a write up on a trial of your choice and if it’s good, I will post it and you will be the guest blogger of the Weekend. There will not always be a guest blogger, and if you send something and it does not get picked you have to promise to not be hurt. I also do not expect that your writings have to follow my particular style of using the word fuck in all of its forms. That is just the way I talk so don’t think that I expect you to follow suite, although you certainly can if you want to. My only expectation is that it be factual, and well written. I hope some of you at least will take advantage of this because I think it would be fun.

Our Nations Capital and Canada in general is still reeling from events that unfolded at the Canadian War Memorial and Parliament Wednesday. The terror in Ottawa started at just before 10 am, when witnesses stated that a man dressed entirely in black drove up to the National War Memorial in a purple Toyota that was devoid of license plates. He left the engine running and charged Cpl. Cirillo who was standing guard. The shooter hit Cirillo twice at point-blank range with a shotgun. The honor guard fell to the ground and the gunman appeared to raise his arms triumphantly.

The shooter then invaded the Centre Block, which is the main building of the Parliamentary complex. He shot off several more rounds, all of it captured by camera’s that were there because parliament was in session. The building was put into lockdown with our Prime Minister trapped inside. The PM attempted to exit but was convinced he was safer in the legislative chamber and he was hidden inside of a closet in case the chamber was breached. Legislators acted quickly, stacking tables and chairs in front of doors, and quickly turning flag staffs into spears. They were prepared to attempt to impale anyone who breached the chamber in an attempt to protect the Prime Minister. Kyle Seeback, a member of parliament managed to tweet that they were safe and locked in an office seconds before the police chasing the gunman unleashed a shit ton of bullets. It was a barrage of epic proportion. Terrified civilians scurried down scaffolding which was erected due to ongoing renovations.

John McKay, a member of Parliament actually thought that it was dynamite going off from the construction. It never crossed his mind that it was gunshots inside what should be one of the most secure facilities in Canada.

The lunatics rampage came to a sudden end when he crossed paths with our Sergeant-at-arms for the house of Commons, Kevin Vickers. Ironically, Vickers post is largely symbolic. So much so that he presides over his post wearing green robes, white gloves and a tall imperial hat while carrying a scepter. Want to know what else Kevin Vickers carries? A gun. One he is very, very adept at using. Vickers, 58, just whipped out the gun and blasted the attacker according to the justice minister and other officials who were present. Two other people were injured with nonlife-threatening wounds. Police with assault rifles and flak jackets continued to search the area for hours after Vickers took control of the situation because he really is just boss that way.

Cpl. Nathan Cirillo was just 24 years old and a member of the ceremonial honor guard for the tomb of the unknown soldier. He often interacted with the public, answering questions from tourists about the tomb, and parliament and any general questions that anyone had. He was described by some of the tourists he had spoken with as well spoken, polite, very proud of his post, happy to explain the origins of the tomb, and extremely proud to be Canadian. Cpl. Cirillo had a five year old son who he was raising as a single dad, and two dogs who were photographed looking what can only be described as bereft, like they were aware that their owner had fallen. The photograph of those dogs is haunting. It never ceases to strike me how in tune to their owners, dogs of soldiers seem to be. He was born and raised in Hamilton and it was there that he was taken today. I watched with mixed emotions as the motorcade made it’s way from Ottawa to Hamilton. Mixed because I am saddened by this pointless death, enraged that a soldier on his home soil was killed with no declaration of war, and proud of the way we as a country helped see our fallen Soldier home. Entire highways saw vehicles pulled to the side with occupants out of their cars saluting as the motorcade made its way past them. People came from all over Ontario and even from other provinces to help see the Soldier home. It was one of those moments that made me remember why I am so proud to call myself Canadian.

The shooter, Michael Zehaf-Bibeau was of course a recent convert to Islam. There is speculation that the death of Cpl. Cirillo and the attack on Parliament were in retaliation for Canada sending some of our bombers to help with the efforts to eradicate ISIS. This hasn’t been confirmed, but it is as good a theory as any.

I know that most of you, Canadian and American as well as my readers from across the globe have someone who has served your respective countries at one time or another. My father was in the Royal Navy during WWII. All three of my Uncles on my mothers side were privates during WWII. My Grand Da was a fighter pilot during WW1. The thing about that is, when you are at war, actively fighting in a war, you expect that there will be casualties. Death is a given. To shoot a soldier at a ceremonial post, one which anyone who does any research would know means that his weapon does not have any live rounds is the act of a coward. Yet more acts of cowardice from a cowardly extremist group.

Canada’s roll during wars has often been as peacekeepers, as aid givers, as the ones who try and maintain some neutrality. Don’t for a second think that makes Canada weak. When Canada is actively engaged in war, like WWI an WWII we fight like warriors. We have the exact same mentality as our neighbors and friends, the United States. We have their back and they have our back. It makes us collectively the most war savvy continent on the planet. We will back the United States plays if we are asked to do so, and we hope that if it were ever to come to it that the feeling is mutual.

Cpl. Nathan Cirillo, we are sorry you were taken so young from us for what amounts to no reason. There is no reasoning with mad men. I salute the soldier, the father, the son, and the Canadian that died while on duty at our War Memorial Wednesday October 22, 2014.

Now on to the Anal wart on the ass of the world, Stabby.

We all know that sometimes Judge Sherry Stephens lost control of this trial a long time ago. Like on about day one of the original trial. It seems that every time I think that she can’t possibly do anything more stupid than the thing she did before she takes it as a challenge and goes ahead and does something more stupid. It is this writers humble opinion that she has no business being a judge, and apparently I am not the only one that thinks that way. Several retired Judges, ex prosecutors and ex defense attorneys have come out publicly to chastise the Judge. I know there is the argument that she is trying to limit reversible error, but I am telling you all kids, that ship sailed a long time ago. The list of errors that sometimes Judge Stephens has made is way to long for me to write the whole thing out, but I will cover the big ones.

Since it is entirely in her prevue, Judge Stephens should have prohibited Jodi Arias from doing any interviews while the trial was ongoing and especially during deliberations. You can instruct a jury to avoid media and such till you are blue in the face, odds of that actually happening are very slim, no matter what anyone thinks. Humans are curious things, it is just our nature. Please don’t go there with the first amendment. I know you want too, but when the right to speak is likely to undermine the fairness of a difficult criminal trial it goes out the window. That and the judge would have been totally legally within her rights to do so. I do not to this second understand why she chose not to do that.

Sometimes Judge Stephens like I said lost control of the courtroom almost immediately. Her permissiveness in allowing the defense to drag out the case with ridiculous and incessant objections, the sidebars that inevitably went with them whenever the defense felt like it, which was all the time which was all just a ruse to drag out the case was transparent to everyone but Judge Stephens. Losing control of the courtroom undermines the very process that you have taken an oath to uphold and protect.

Judge Stephens forgot to read a portion of the jury instructions to the jury during the penalty phase of the trial. I swear to god I am not making this shit up. A sitting judge in one of the biggest trials in the history of ever completely left out part of the jury instructions. Jury instructions are kind of important. Just sayin’, although in this case with the train wreck the trial had already become, it probably didn’t make much of a difference.

The blackout of televised re-trial of the penalty phase. If anything screams, “dude I fucked up and now I must try and unring the bell” this would be the thing. Unfortunately, all she has done is given Stabbykins another thing to appeal on. I wasn’t given a fair trial because it was televised. Even the judge knows she made an error because she decided not to televise the re-trial. That is going to be on the list along with ineffective council because Nurmi was allowed to state on the record that he does not like his client. While it was funny, it was also either very calculated, or just Nurmi’s I have had enough of this shit moment. Either way Stephens should have immediately told the jury to disregard the comment.

Now the coup de gras: Sometimes Judge Stephens has granted motions in limine regarding smuggling of contraband, lack of remorse, requests to change council and threats against trial participants. What this means is that Juan Martinez may not present any facts regarding Stabby having things like that pinwheel picture that she sold for more money for the “Stabby is going for ALL the murder money” fund or any other things that ChaCha may or may not have smuggled into or out of the prison, he can’t present any evidence that Stabby does not have a shit to give that she killed Travis three times over and that her sudden altruism is simply to try and save her ass. He cannot talk about the fact that she threatened to have Juan Martinez “Stabbied” if she got the DP, and he cannot bring up the fact that she has tried to get rid of Nurmi, Nurmi has tried to get rid of her, or that she has and then has not represented herself on two separate occasions. So she has basically tied Juan’s hands behind his back, put a blindfold on him and told him to try and pin the tail on the Donkey. It is a completely ridiculous ruling. I almost get the not bringing up that she threatened to kill Martinez because that is basically she said, she said although testimony has been found to be credible, but not allowing him to bring up the smuggling which basically tells the jury she could give a flying fuck about jail or its rules and that she can very easily bend people to her will and not to allow him to bring up her lack of remorse make me want to throttle the sometimes Judge.

I asked once and I will ask again. In Arizona, you all have to go to law school and pass the bar and actually practice law before you all can become a seated Judge right?

So, that’s it for tonight my lovelies. Don’t forget Sick Fuck Saturday is tomorrow. I am looking forward to it.

Have a great night everyone, Really Big Mean Dog peacing the fuck out.

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I Think The Entire Planet Just Collectively Tossed Their Cookies.

October 21, 2014

Mi’lady I am going to require the puke bucket in Arizona, can you Fed Ex it or something?-Arizona

 

Hai Kids.  It’s me your very favorite Stabby hater and teller of truths that some pieces of shit on the internet just don’t want to hear bringing you day 1 of what is sure to be a vomit-fest of a penalty phase retrial.  For you number of the numb fucks who don’t seem to get this part, I will speak slowly and loudly.  STABBY IS ALREADY CONVICTED OF FIRST DEGREE AGGRAVATED MURDER.  THIS IS NOT A DO-OVER.  THIS IS ONLY TO DECIDE WHETHER SHE GETS TO DIE NOW OR TO ROT IN HOPEFULLY A REALLY SHITTY PRISON FOR THE REST OF HER NATURAL LIFE. IF THE SECOND OPTION IS WHAT HAPPENS, THAN I HOPE THAT SHE GETS HER FACE SHOVED IN SHIT DAILY FOR THE ENTIRE REST OF HER LIFE.  ARE WE CLEAR NOW?

Before we get to the vomit inducing opening statement of Alfred E. Nurmi, I wanted to let you know that Oscar Pusstorius ended up getting 5 years for murdering his girlfriend.  What that translates to is about 10 months worth of actual incarceration and the remainder under house arrest.  And a big shout out to the bookies in South Africa because they totally called it.  Way better book makers in SA than here.  The odds in the States were 0-3 and in Canada because we still have a ridiculous belief that the justice system actually works, 7.5 to 15.  Way to go South African Bookies.  The prosecution may appeal the amount of incarceration, but in all honesty I doubt it.  I think they know they were damn lucky that they got anything.  The only one more surprised than I was that he actually got jail time was maybe Pusstorius because dude totally thought he was going to skate.  The look of total shock on his face was maybe the first time he wasn’t acting during the entire trial.  It was a beautiful thing.

Now,  on to the shit show that is the never ending trial of Stabby Anal Einstein.

The crowd was much smaller this time than for the first trial but that may change once we get closer to verdict.

Sometimes Judge Stephens spent the first bit dealing with other court matters before we even got started.  The pit-bull and his dog handler Esteban Flores walked into the courthouse together.  Because this makes not one lick of difference what so ever just for today I will tell you that Both Juan, Esteban Flores, the court reporter, Nurmi, and everyone else of import was dressed in suits with ties or appropriate court attire. I don’t give a shit who is wearing what so I won’t be talking about it much. That is unless Stabby and Prom Queen contender Jenny from the cell block start dressing alike again.   Stabby was dressed in a beige shirt with her hair down and I’m sorry to report but her bangs are still missing.  They may be hiding out with Nurmi’s chair.

Sometimes Judge Stephens announced that one of the jurors had been dismissed due to a family emergency and of course Alfred E. took that as his cue to throw his first hissy fit of the day. He was denied, the jurors were sworn and we were off.

Travis’ family were out in full force and the Stabby family was also in attendance. Brother Stabby was wearing a purple ribbon in support of DV victims and the puke buckets I had Mi’lady Fed Ex me came in handy for the first time of the day.

Alfred E. Nurmi rode in on the mitigating factors train with a brand new tale of woe for Stabbykins. Just like your intrepid blogger predicted, the only thing left to go with was insanity so Alfred E. went with that. He tried to paint Stabby as a mentally ill woman who now DEFINITELY had the borderline personality disorder that she totally DID NOT HAVE during the first penalty phase trial. He talked about her tragic and horrible childhood of being grounded for growing weed on the roof. He said her mother totally didn’t support her daughter enough and she beat the bitch. Mom of Stabby physically winced when this was said. He said she had no criminal past. Then he went on to tell the jurors what to expect during this farce of a retrial. He told the jurors that the pictures they were going to see were likely going to give them the dry heaves in a big way, and that there would also be autopsy photo’s. He referred to Travis as “Beloved Travis” which must be some new code for pedophile since that is what he spent the entire last trial calling him. He stressed that Stabby was madly in love with Travis about eleventy billion times. He said that Stabby herself would tell them her horror at realizing she had killed the love of her life so ding ding ding I win again because the stupid bitch is going to take the stand. I could almost see the sneer on Juans face through the tweets. Then Esteban Flores, lead investigator and dog wrangler removed the muzzle and Juan was up.

In true pit-bull fashion Juan went immediately for the jugular. “You will come to know the emotional and mental suffering…” and Alfred E. objected and we headed for the sidebar. He told them about how she had taken his body and dragged it down the hall, stuffing him into the shower like a thanksgiving turkey. He said that she was the sexual one “She told the court she was shaving her pussy so it could be nice and soft for him and that if he was good, she would give him a blowjob and he could come on her face,” Martinez said and I used the puke bucket from South Africa once again. Good thing I asked for that. He went over the whole thing from the gas cans to the car to the gun completely covering the premeditated killing of Travis. He told them that having borderline personality disorder is not legally insane. He brought up that Stabby had lied to the police and that is a crime in reference to Nurmi’s insistence that Stabby was a good girl who had never done a bad thing ever, ever, ever.

Alfred E is still shooting for that world records for most objections in the history of ever and he was right on target today. He also managed to slip in at least one request for a mistrial because Juan said that Stabby broke the law by lying to the police. Objection was sustained but motion for mistrial was denied. Then it was lunch time. I’m sorry I can’t tweet pictures of my lunch. It was strawberry pop-tarts and a pepsi. Just try and picture it in your mind.

Juan was back up and the vet obviously missed the target because he continued to pace and snarl about how Stabby had no problems interacting in society as far as working; you know when she didn’t have a fuckbuddy to sponge off of. Then he called her a big fat liar when he said the only proof of any childhood abuse are the words that come out of her mouth. Aaaand I just got a mental picture of things coming out of her mouth and hit the puke bucket yet again. He finished his opening by saying that there are no mitigating factors in this case, zero, none and Alfred E. Nurmi got another objection in and made his second mistrial request. Double denied.

Flores tossed Juan a good-boy treat as the pit-bull called the states first witness. Michael Melendez, computer forensics unit. They went through the whole camera thing and everything was going along swimmingly until they got to the first picture of Stabby and her GAPING wonder hole. Good thing Nurms gave some warning about the whole dry heaving thing because everybody did.

Nurmi got up to cross examine and he was much more interested in Travis’ computer than he was in pictures that totally didn’t prove that Stabby killed Travis. He seemed to be pretending they didn’t exist. Unfortunately for Nurmi neither did any internet porn of any kind ever. Sucks to be you Nurmi.

Next up was Esteban Flores. They went through how the body was found and went over the pictures that were taken of the crime scene and Nurmi wants a sidebar. Holy fuck the whole lot of them are going to be pissed by the time court is done. Then court recessed for 15 minutes.

The remainder of the day was Flores on the stand and a recap of the trial ending with the autopsy photos of Travis. Court reconvenes tomorrow at 12:30

That’s it for today kids.
Have a great night.

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The Saga of The Never Ending Trial Continues -The Arizona One, Not The South African One

October 16, 2014

Christ on a Cracker it is never going to end – Arizona

Hai Kids. It has been a fairly eventful last couple of days. As some of you know, I took a little wipe out the other night and broke my big toe and busted my head pretty good. Since over the years I have become accustomed to all manner of injury I did not think it was that big of a deal. I knew immediately that my big toe was broken which is a non starter. As long as the bone isn’t sticking out they can’t do anything except offer you their condolences and send you packing. Over the course of the time with my ex-abuser I have had several head injuries, both bleeding and non bleeding so a little blood didn’t bother me much either. When it didn’t eventually stop I simply glued it closed and carried on with my day. I looked in the mirror this morning (something I rarely do because I am somewhat scarred up and I don’t like the reflection I see) and discovered two black eyes which told me that I had hit my head much harder than I thought. I obviously bounced my brain if I did that kind of damage. I called tele-health (it’s a thing in Canada where you can talk to a nurse practitioner and they tell you whether you need to go to emergency or not) and of course the nice nurse told me to go right now, don’t drive, call and ambulance and go. I asked the man at the end of the road to take me instead which he did. Ross is the only other person on our road and we help each other out like that. He is close to 90, but an old farmer and he could pass for early 70’s easily both because he still looks young and he still has all of his faculties about him. He was concerned and drove me. He even waited to drive me home. Thank you Ross. They did a CT scan I think that’s what it is called and I have a subdural hematoma (a bruised brain) concussion etc. No skull fracture, but the doctor said that was more due to me having a head like a rock than anything else. He was funny and put me mostly at ease, no small feat. He told me I was foolish not to come when I did it which I knew, told me I had done a nice job of gluing my scalp back together, joked about counting all the suture needles before I left and told me my head was going to hurt for the next little while. He then gave me instructions on what to do for the next few weeks. No exertion, no driving, basically rest till my noodle feels better. I look pretty bad, but I’m okay. Ross said he would come and check on me everyday which was so sweet, but that is how it is when you live with almost nobody around.

Do you know that it is probably easier to get hold of weaponized anthrax then it is to get pain pills in Ontario. I have them because I have permanent damage from the asshole who did all those wonderful things to me, but if I hadn’t had them already, I wouldn’t be getting any. The doctor said that almost nobody will prescribe any kind of opiate now because they are a drug dealers wet dream apparently. And they go for pretty big money from what he told me. That is a whole other blog, but one I think I am going to write at some point because quite frankly I am intrigued.

So, on to todays tale of Stabby and the Funky Bunch.

Todays fuckery began with everybody waiting on Stabby. She rolled into court in stripes and shackles which of course sent everyone into a tailspin about the jury. No way they would swear a jury with her dressed like that. This of course led to speculation that if a jury wasn’t being seated than that must mean Sometimes Judge Sherry had ruled in favor of Alfred E. Nurmi’s motion to take the DP off the table. Isn’t the internet fun? Jesus wept I’m telling ya. The jury will not be sworn until Tuesday October 21 which sent Nurmi into another spin about not having enough time with the hard drive, because six years has definitely not been enough time to look at all the evidence that could ever possibly be presented. Sometimes I can only shake my head. He wanted a delay. Denied.

Bickering of course broke out between Alfred E. Nurmi and our Pit-bull maybe because the vet with the tranquilizer gun was absent, perhaps because Nurms just wanted to press his luck, but in either event, he categorized Juan as “Snarky” about a dozen times. I would liken it less to snarkiness and more to being sick of dealing with idiots, but in either event Juan got pissed off at being called snarky and motioned that the defense be made to stop calling him snarky. Motion was granted and I put pop through my nose.

Then of course because the laws and courtroom proceedings in the States are so transparent, the whole rest of the mess was requested to be heard behind closed doors and everyone was kicked out for the remainder of the day. They were arguing the removal of the DP motion, or at least beginning to. It was held over to Monday the 20th, so barring something insane happening like sometimes Judge Stephens completely losing her mind and granting it, we should have a sworn Jury by Tuesday.

Expect 70 or 80 more motions sometime between now and Monday because I am sure there are motions that Nurmi has not thought of yet that he can still file to try and stall the inevitable a little bit longer.

A bit of trial trivia. The most litigious person in the United States is Jonathan Lee Riches who has filed 2600 separate lawsuits and named pretty much everyone but god (and he seems to be leaving the door open for that) in them. Alfred E. Nurmi may or may not be in close contention for most motions filed in a single criminal case. Citation is needed.

That’s it. I’m tired and my head hurts. Sorry it’s not more of an update, but as with all things Stabby, it is what it is.

Have a great night everyone.

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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law Gives Back

September 25, 2014

Apparently I’m Celibate; because I just don’t give a fuck – Arizona

Hai Kids. You know, the last couple of day I’ve been thinking a lot about poor Alfred E. Nurmi. Do you realize that the poor bastard has been trying to peace the fuck out since 2009! For five years he’s been trying to get the hell away from the special kind of crazy that is Stabby Einstein, and to a lessor extent, the beauty pageant contender and Stabby’s best friend Jenny from the Cell Block. I feel bad for poor old Alfred E. (spoiler: no I don’t.) Since I am an altruistic type psychopath as well a Law Professor and Dean of Fuckery of the RBMD School of Law, I thought I’d give poor old Nurmi a hand and write his closing arguments for him. Since the RBMD School of Law believes in giving back to the legal community and because Nurmi is obviously in WAAAAAY over his head, I decided he could use the help way more than any other fucktard defense attorney that is on my radar right now.

I spent hours working on Nurmi’s closing arguments(spoiler: no I didn’t)and came up with something that would very obviously sway a jury much quicker than anything he said. I really hope he appreciates the effort I have put into this. If anyone has his email and could send this to him I would appreciate it.

Alfred E. Nurmi’s Closing Argument: The State of Arizona v Stabby Anal Einstein

Objectionmayweapproach……..sorry! Habit! My bad.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury;

Fear, bullshit, insanity, and bat-shit craziness
These may not all be parts of the human condition, but they are DEFINITELY part of Stabby’s little world.
Because these parts of Stabby’s condition played such a big part in this relationship, obviously somebody was going to end up dead. DUH!!
This relationship ended tragically on June 4th 2008 with Travis being stabbed like his name was Janet Leigh and then almost having his head cut off and then just to be sure having a hole shot in his head.   All because my client, the defendant is a NUTBAG.

Your job as the Jury is to be the finder of fact.  Since that ship sailed as soon as Stabby opened her mouth, this would normally be the time where I try to confuse and confound you by droning on and on endlessly and scrambling the evidence around.  I decided that I am not going to do that. I’m pretty sure at least one of you probably wants to stuff one or all of Stabby’s wonder holes which is enough to hang the jury, so I am going to just tell the truth.

This trial is not about snow white, it’s not about the seven dwarfs, it’s not about strawberry Frapuccino’s or screwdriver skateboarder gangs or ninjas or weather patterns. What this trial is about is the wackadoo that I have had to put up with for way to goddamn long. Do you have any idea how long I have been trying to get away from this ho-bag? Since she decided to start having documents forged in an attempt to somehow explain why she almost cut someone’s head off and treated him like sushi tuna. I obviously failed my filing motions class because I filed at least 9 to have myself removed as council but I’m still here. What do I have to do, file a motion to be dead? Fuck!!

90 percent of the time, I hate this crazy bitch with a burning passion like I have never felt before. The other 10 percent of the time I absolutely despise the insanity sandwich that is Stabby, my esteemed co-council Jenny, Stabby’s fuck buddy Cha Cha Delarosa, and the shit show my entire life has become just because my name happened to be up for the next capital case.

I have done everything in my power to get this loud-mouthed know it all twat off the hook. I’m not a bad lawyer. I’m not. Have you seen what I have to work with here?  Have you?  Jesus Christ the bitch goes on TV, tells two different stories, pretty much dares you to convict her, makes up story number 3 for trial, brags to me that she forged documents, gets people to lie under oath during pre-trial, decides she is smarter than me, changes her mind when she gets caught with the forgeries, throws her parents and all her old boyfriends under the bus and ruins the reputation of a fine man.  Of course it never crossed her Einstein-y mind that you all might be able to see through the fog she tried to create and realize that the story she told was so ridiculous that a toddler would have said “Wait. What?”  Yup she’s Steven fucking Hawking.  Christ!!

I’ve had it. I have had to buy suits three different times during this trial just due to all the weight I’ve gained and then lost. I got a Christmas card from Golden Corral. People want me dead. A small child threw a milkshake at me the other day. My chair is suing me for pain and suffering. I’ve found myself making up words for no reason. I keep getting emails and phone calls from some crazy Sandra person telling me Stabby is innocent. When I say “No, she isn’t” she starts telling me about prosecutorial misconduct,people stealing Stabby’s murder money, how bloggers shouldn’t have press credentials unless it’s her, and some reporter who had a zit in grade 9.  Obviously, just like her idol Stabby, she just makes shit up.  I’m surrounded by fucking nutbags.  I’m spent ladies and gentlemen.   I just want to peace the fuck out, get some intensive therapy and start to forget that this ever happened.

I know the story she told on the stand makes no sense.  I know her expert witnesses lied, or were just idiots or both. I know that Travis was a good guy who was just torn between his religion and being a warm blooded sexual being.  I know that almost any man is going to take it if somebody is throwing it at him.  I know she has treated you like you are all stupid.  I get it.   But could you just let all that go for a second and think about me. Me, Alfred E. Nurmi. My career is in the toilet, I will forever be known as the asshole that defended the bitch that killed Travis Alexander, and truthfully ladies and gentlemen the bitch scares me a little…… Okay a lot!! If you cannot decide on a verdict then the Judge will have to sentence her and we can all go home. I want to go home. You have no idea how badly I want to go home.  And by home I mean the home I just purchased on the other side of the country. I’ve decided to become a garbage man. I will be doing exactly the same thing, just without the aggravation.

Cum Odio Adeo Laboraret Ut Canis. I hate this bitch so hard. Seriously, 4 years of Latin just so I could utter those words. And it feels SO GOOD!!!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and my heartfelt apologies that any of you had to sit through all of this bullshit.

 

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The Really Big Mean Dog School of Law: Forgery, Perjury, Insanity. The Y strategies.

September 23, 2014

Kelly will be unable to attend class today as she has Ebola. Signed Kelly’s cousins friends doctor.-Arizona

Welcome back class to the Really Big Mean Dog School of Law. Todays class is going to focus solely on law terms that end in Y. We call it the Y defenses. Please take out your tablets and take notes because as always this portion may count for all, some, or none of your mark.

For brevities sake, we will use the term defendant from now on. We are going to focus today on some of the more common things that come up in courtrooms. Unfortunately, some of you are going to have defendants that are more Einstein-y than the others. These Defendants will be a major pain in the ass and will cause you an unusual amount of headaches. They don’t understand the term suborning perjury. They don’t understand the term sanctions. They don’t understand the term inadmissible. They just know that they are smarter than everybody else in the history of ever and any “evidence” that they can manufacture should be admissible. They don’t care that you can be disbarred for it.

There are many very good reasons that certain evidence may not be admitted during a proceeding. It can be deemed too inflammatory. The court can find that there is no foundation for the evidence. This means that there is no background story to the evidence and alone it would be very easy to take it out of context. Evidence can be deemed inadmissible because of the way it was collected, or because it was contaminated. Evidence can also be deemed inadmissible because the Einstein-y defendant knew they were about to understand the term truly fucked and they made some shit up and tried to pass it off as evidence.

Defendants, especially the ones that claim an affirmative defense (see, defense of others, self-defense, a ninja made me do it) will very often manufacture evidence if it looks like things are not going their way. This is where forgery, our first Y defense comes into play. Often, proof can be offered by using letters to prove a statement or statements. This professors opinion is that if someone is stupid enough to admit on paper that they have committed some heinous act, then they pretty much deserve for someone to turn them in. Unfortunately, most people that commit crimes are not stupid enough to write it down for us. If a defendant, especially the pain in the ass defendants think they can slip by a couple or ten forged documents that basically prove every aspect of their affirmative defense, they will attempt to do it. This maneuver almost always needs an accomplice and that would be where perjury comes in.

Perjury is the act of knowingly providing false evidence under oath. Perjury is a huge no-no and the perjurer will be charged. If a lawyer knowingly solicits perjured testimony during trial, they are guilty of suborning perjury and in almost all states it is punishable by disbarment. (Except Arizona, you just get sent to bed without supper there.) In order to pull off the forgery part, the client will ask someone to commit perjury in order to lay foundation for the forged evidence. This person might or might not be someone the client had all kinds of anal sex with in order to gain their co-operation. The job of the perjurer is to go to one of the pre-trial hearings and swear that they saw whatever the defendant is claiming happened or saw the aftermath. They are also handy for producing the forged documents if the defendant is already behind bars. Here is where the lawyers conundrum occurs. For those of you that are going to be defense attorneys please pay special attention. It is now very easy to find out if a document is forged. Unless you have a master forger on your hands, which is a lot more rare than you would think, simple handwriting analysis will out your forger. You may also have a defendant that just feels a need to share their brilliance and will flat out tell you that they had the documents forged. Either way, you are now aware that you have a forged document and that the witness has committed perjury. You cannot, unless you don’t want to be a lawyer anymore, call that witness to testify and the documents cannot be entered into evidence. Be prepared because once you tell that to the defendant they will immediately call you a semi literate fat ass and tell the presiding Judge that they want to represent themselves. That will cause you some more annoyance and in the end the documents will not be admitted into evidence anyway. I recommend padding your bill with assorted motions at this time just for the aggravation of it all. File motions to seal, motions to quash, motions to be removed as council. None of them will be granted, but you get extra cash and it will stall the inevitable a little bit more.

When forgery and perjury fail to work, the defendant will usually pull out some incantation of our last Y. Insanity. Now, in many defendants, insanity is a stretch and will be discarded almost immediately. It is only with the Einstein-y defendants that the insanity ploy will be played out. This could manifest in forms including but not limited to: fake suicide attempts, blaming people that weren’t there, claiming that they have absolutely no memory of the incident and claiming temporary insanity due to extenuating circumstances. The very large pain in the ass defendants may try a combination of all of the above. They may even try and get some expert testimony using a combination of depraved sexual acts in exchange for the above. We then again fall into the perjury conundrum. You as attorneys are going to have to wade through all the bullshit that the Einstein-y defendant throws at you to come to some reasonable version of the truth. Unless of course you are defense attorneys in which case you can forget the last statement and just go with the most believable lie of all the bullshit the defendant comes up with.

That concludes todays Class. For next class we will be discussing how to convince witnesses not to testify by threatening to tell the truth about them. Have a good night. Class dismissed.

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Stabby Needs Her Glasses Back.

September 19, 2014

Writing my grocery list in pencil and hanging it in a gallery – Arizona

Hai everybody. It’s me, Stabby hater extraordinaire Kelly. Seeing as how I am a Scot born and bred, I have spent a large portion of the night focused on the referendum. I’m on the fence about whether I want independence or not. Part of me is worried about the economic implications of succession and part of me wants to paint my face blue and ride a horse out onto the battlefield. part of me thinks I should put away my Braveheart DVD and go to bed. I am very happy that Scotland has a chance to attain something Stabby will never have again. FREEDOM!! Alba Gu Brath!

Stabby has fired up all the engines on the mitigating factors jet and is currently flying it into the stratosphere. She is donating money to every goddamn place that will accept money from a CONVICTED MURDERESS, she has donated her hair to mops of love, and now she has sold a self portrait so she can donate the murder money. The only problem is that Stabby can’t see her reflection in her stainless steel toilet bowl very well. I think it is because she tried to hock her totally not fake eyeglasses. Here is the pic she came up with.

Stabby self portrait not the one

As you can see, there are some serious problems with the picture. Really, the only thing she got right was the flat head and the dead look in her eyes. I am shocked that an artist of this caliber……….Bwahahahahahahaha(OMG I’m sorry I could not type that without bursting out laughing; very unprofessional of me) Anyway, there are people out there who only want to help others perfect their art and someone took the time to try and help Stabby fix hers. They put in some of the stuff Stabby forgot, which I think was very kind of them. This is what they came up with.

Stabby self portrait real

Please notice that while this picture is also not perfect, it is a much more realistic representation of Stabby. The self serving smirk. The dead look in the slightly crossed eyes. The scraggly bangs. The asymmetrical face. The missing weapons. Of course for the picture to be complete we would need to add bad acne and some horns but this was the much better try in my opinion.

Still working on all things Stabby. Hoping to bring you an update on the whole J4Stabby mess and how ChaCha ties into it all. Have a lovely night kids.

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