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The Really Big Mean Dog School Of Law Presents: If You’re Fucked And You Know It Plead Insanity

October 20, 2015

Hello Class, it’s me your law professor/Dean of fuckery/ queen of all I survey.  As you can see by the title, tonight’s class is on the insanity defense.

The insanity defense is always, ALWAYS used as a last resort.  We in the law profession (not really) call it the defense of last resort for a reason.  Unless you are a helmet wearing, window licking, roadkill kissing, dog fucking mess, it ain’t gonna work.  The defense just uses it because they are pretty much out of any other option. Well other then yup, he did it, throw him in with a couple of short eyes and lock the fuckin door.

The problem with the insanity defense as one of our astute readers pointed out is that we (the state) have to prove that he wasn’t insane AT THE TIME HE COMMITTED THE ATTROCITIES IN QUESTION.  His mental state now has little to no bearing unless of course he is displaying any of the above mentioned afflictions.

Before we get into the state of Mr. Jism’s mental capacity at the time, let us take a moment to question why there is no death penalty unless you happen to be a fuckin Boston Bomber.  Massachusetts saves the death penalty for acts of terrorism only.  I bet if somebody asked Colleen about terrorism before she died she’d vote for the fucking needle.

Anyway, getting back to Jism’s state of sanity at the time of the offense. He went to school armed with a box cutter, gloves, a ski mask and a change of clothing.   He is accused of attacking her in the restroom on the second floor of the high school at 3:30pm.  That time is important. It is important because most of the student body was gone.   He removed her body from the school in a recycling bin and dumped it out in the adjacent woods and disposed of the body. He took the time to rape her with a branch and then cover her with leaves and debris.  He robbed her of her cell phone, credit cards and panties.   He then went and saw a  movie and had some fast food for dinner.

Now, I don’t want to be a party pooper, but it seems to me that Jism went to school knowing full well that he was going to kill Colleen, he has the presence of mind to take extra clothes and get rid of his bloody ones, he covertly got her body out of the school in a recycling bin, her perpetuated more atrocities, he robbed her so he could presumably go to a movie and get some taco bell and he had the foresight to try and cover the body.

I don’t see any glass licking going on anywhere.  About the only part he fucked up in a well planned murder was he fucking got caught.  Therefore, I surmise this is just to kill three more weeks or so while his lawyers come up with the now patented his parents beat him with a wooden spoon and they did a lot of coke and shit while he was three or four.  I forget.

Class dismissed

RBMD peacing the fuck out.

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Court Will Soon Be Back In Session And A Few Odds And Ends

October 8, 2015

Apparently Nurmi has a brother

Hai everybody. Hope everybody has been doing okay in my totally sucky absence. I have been busy with the puppies and my son since school started and unfortunately the blog has suffered for it. I sincerely apologize.

Bug is starting cornerback on his football team this year. That means a ton of practices that he needs to be picked up from, and I have to at least attempt to go and watch the games. With a lot of help from mamma I have made it up to seven minutes outside of the car in a crowd before I can’t take it anymore and so I watch the rest of the game from the safety of my vehicle. Bug is absolutely thrilled that I am trying to deal with my mental issues enough to come watch him play.

In Waterford there is this thing called pumpkinfest every year. I believe this is the 35th installment. For the first time ever, they are having a dog show of sorts. Categories are best costume, prettiest all around dog, best male puppy, best female puppy, best puppy in show and best trick. Bug has agreed to take the dogs for me so Hutch is being entered in best male puppy, prettiest dog and best puppy in show. Ewok is being entered for best trick. We have been working with them every night to prep them for the show and Bug has surprised me greatly with how well he is taking to properly training puppies.

My other puppy had to be taken to the vet because her mamma tried to pick her up and she is so heavy that Panzer put a hole in her neck. It was accidental and she didn’t even cry. I cleaned it up and disinfected it but she unfortunately got a pretty bad infection anyway. I had to take both of them because they won’t be without each other so I got Hutch his deworming and his heartworm stuff. Little girl ended up having to get shaved all around the wound and has two weeks worth of antibiotics to take. It is a mess. It didn’t look that bad on top till they shaved her and I could see how far it had spread, but apparently it is deep and by the amount of puss they drained out of it, it is a bad infection. The vet said she will be perfectly fine, but the antibiotics were a must. They also both got weighed. At 10 weeks they weigh 22.9lbs and 20.6lbs. The vet said they are going to be gigantic dogs. She is a great vet. She researched the three best antibiotics and found me the least expensive ones and she gave me the deworming and heartworm stuff for cost plus 10%. Even still it was a 188 dollar visit. They are aware of my financial problems so they are doing everything to help me out which I truly appreciate and I told her so a hundred times.

Bug is doing well in school but I cannot believe how much things have changed for the crazy.   I was the best math student out of my entire highschool and I just shake my head at some of the things they are expecting of 14 and 15 year old kids.  He is the top of his class in history and still hates French.

Now, on to our next court trial. Philip Chism of Massachusetts is the next piece of shit on the hit list of my snarky disgust. Here is a link to bring everyone up to speed.

dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3 Link provided by Rie. Thank you.

This one is just a disgusting piece of excrement and I can’t wait to take him apart as only I can.

I am suspending the serial until the trial is over because there is not enough time to finish it, and truthfully I don’t think that many people were interested. I will still finish it for those that were following it, just not till after this trial.

In best news I’ve heard all day, Oscar Pusstorias’s early release was put on hold and an appeal to Judges that actually understand the law is being heard. YAY!!

So your homework is to read up on Chism. Trial opening arguments are slated to begin October 20th.

Really Big Mean Dog peacing the fuck out!!

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The Stabby Arias Book Club Selections

September 3, 2014

Pretty bored waiting for the new farce of a PENALTY PHASE RETRIAL- Arizona

Hi kiddies, it’s your favorite neighborhood Stabby hater, here for another installation of things I can write about while I wait until hell freezes over for the PENALTY PHASE RETRIAL to begin.
I got to thinking about our altruistic little Stabbykins and how she wants to help all those poor illiterate single language speaking singlehandedly ruining the planet with all of their un-recycled trash inmates. What a noble creature Stabby is. The whole book club thing is a stroke of genius. Not as genius as my idea for the Jeffrey Dahmer School of Culinary arts, but it’s right up there.

I think about things all the time. Deep, deep things. You know, like Einstein. I have come up with a selection of Books for the Stabby Arias Hail Mary If This Doesn’t Work I’m Screwed Book Club. Wholesome reads for all of the exemplary human beings that are totally being framed right now as we speak and they didn’t do it.

1. American Psycho. Believe it or not, this is NOT about Stabby. I myself was shocked.
2. How to infringe copyright for fun and profit
3. Setting up an irrevocable trust under questionable circumstances.
4. Screw Son of Sam.
5. Snow White and the seven abusive little pricks who all mysteriously died in their sleep.
6. The court pencil and Nurmi’s Chair have a very bad day.
7. How to successfully pretend to be a superior court judge
8. Pitbulls for dummies
9. Hair dye – It can make a difference
10.How to use twitter to your advantage
11.HLN can suck it
12.How I became a Ninja-not based on true events
13.Migraines-not just for work sick days anymore
14.How to successfully harass anyone.

I am sure there are many that I have yet to come up with, but that should give the Stabby Arias Hail Mary If This Doesn’t Work I’m Screwed Book club some reading material to start off with.

Stabby, feel free to contact me anytime for more suggestions cuz I know that your good buddy Donovan is an avid reader. Hi Donavan. When exactly am I getting sued by the way? Any firm date yet or is it still just take it down or blah blah blah.


The Only Rational Explanation is that Stabby is Satan

September 1, 2014

No she isn’t but the bitch scares me -Satan

Well kids, I bring you another installment from the second circle of hell that is Arizona. There have been developments. There have been motions for sanctions because our favorite pitbull has not been darted recently. And caught in the middle of this whole goddamn shitshow is a family who has absolutely nothing to do with any of this.

Stabby got permission to re-visit the crime scene which of course is no longer a crime scene because the house has been sold and totally remodeled. So, what the fuck is there to see, find, smell, whatever. The only purpose for this is to kill some more time (bad choice of words but it stays) and to maybe fuck with the family that dared to buy the home that she thought would someday be hers a little bit. That Judge Stephens allowed this just does things to my brain that make me want to try and cleanse it with drano.

Stabby also has a private investigator that the state has to pay for by the way, to try and find people that will corroborate her assertions of domestic violence. More about that in a minute. Maybe the P/I will find the ninja’s, grandpa’s missing gun, and the rope that never existed while he’s at it. Or maybe he will go down to home depot and just buy some. Now, to the domestic violence issues and the fucktards that will believe anything. As most of you know, I am a victim of domestic violence. I am quite literally covered in scars. I have had more broken bones than I care to list off. I have had a fractured skull and had a shotgun loaded with a sabot shoved in my face. I am a defacto domestic violence expert and Stabby was about as much a domestic violence victim as my cat kitty friend. She will however find someone, somewhere that is willing to lie and say they saw her covered in bruises or some other such bullshit; so pay attention or mighty Pitbull because you will want to know every single thing about where this witness came from and why after 6 years of extensive and exhaustive investigations that not one shred of domestic violence was ever found.

I feel so bad for the family that bought Travis’ house. They just want it to be their home, not the place where a terrible crime took place and I don’t blame them. I feel so bad for the Alexander family because they are going to have to listen to all the lies about their brother all over again. I feel bad for the state of Arizona because this should have been over with a long time ago.


The Clusterfuck to end all Clusterfucks

August 28, 2014

This is getting too weird even for me -Arizona.

So looks like Stabby is going Pro-Se unless Judge Stephens will get rid of that mean old “I don’t like Jodi 9 days out of 10” hater Nurmi. If the judge will just bend to Stabby’s superior intellect, then Jenny From the cell block can represent her and everybody will be happy. ESPECIALLY Nurmi who would love nothing more than to peace the fuck out.

Since it seems that good old ninja loving stabby needs to be interviewed by someone and some kind of report needs to be filed from said interview I’m going to go out on a limb and call an insanity defense as a mitigating factor which would in effect if believed not allow her to be sentenced to death. I’m sure I read somewhere that you cannot visit the death penalty on the legally insane.

Today, to the shock of no one anywhere ever I found out that good old Stabby, true to form wants the judge to lift the ban on having no live coverage during the penalty phase retrial. I cannot say penalty phase retrial enough because I swear Stabby and the funky bunch seem to think they are getting a do over and she is not really a convicted first degree murderess with aggravating factors. speaking of aggravating factors I am going to need to stock up on valium, Gravol and Tylenol before this shit show starts once again.

She was also granted a motion to go into Travis’ old house. Well, not her personally but for her “investigator” to do it. To what end I have no clue, maybe to burn it down and blame it on the ninjas, who the hell knows with this nutbag.

Jury selection has been pushed back to September 29th because the mean old people at the mean old jail wouldn’t let her “witness” sign in the way she wanted them to be able to sign in and it caused a delay.

Here are my predictions. First, like I said she is going for insanity which is not that far of a stretch for her acting ability. Second, Nurmi is apt to have an “accident” while Stabby was feeling threatened by him because he was talking all mean and stuff to her. Third, Judge Stephens will go back on everything that she has supposedly already set in stone and the penalty phase retrial won’t start until 2045 and fourth, a full camera crew, makeup department and stunt double will be provided for her highness stabby.

I will keep you as updated as I can, but since just about everything is sealed right at the moment I can only get so much information.


The Stabby Penalty Retrial – Definitions of words that will be thrown around

August 23, 2014

Here we go again – Arizona

Well hello my friends. Been a while hasn’t it? Since it has been so long since Stabby was convicted of first degree pre-meditated murder with mitigating factors. Since eventually there is going to be a penalty phase retrial, I thought there were some things that we should discuss.

First, I wanted to cover some things that some of you may not know. I have seen a bunch of things thrown around the internet about what the terms ex-parte, prima fascie etc mean and so far, they have all been wrong. In the interest of everyone being on the same page I thought it might be prudent to define these things so that everyone knows what they mean. I am sure there are lots that do, but cruise any internet site that talks about this trial and you will discover there are oh so many that think they do, WILL TELL YOU IN ALL CAPS that they do, but they don’t. Because I don’t want a bazillion people saying “that’s not what it means Kelly, first yes, it does, and secondly all definitions are from the legal dictionary instead of my own words.

ex-parte – An ex parte judicial proceeding is conducted for the benefit of only one party. Ex parte may also describe contact with a person represented by an attorney, outside the presence of the attorney. The term ex parte is used in a case name to signify that the suit was brought by the person whose name follows the term.

In Limine – Latin for “at the threshold,” referring to a motion before a trial begins. A motion to suppress illegally-obtained evidence is such a motion

Amicus Curiae – Latin for “friend of the court.” A lawyer who assists the court during the course of a hearing, to represent a position or interest, usually at the court’s request

Habeas Corpus – A court order used to bring a person physically before a court in order to test the legality of the person’s detention. Usually, it is directed to the official or person detaining another, commanding him to bring the person to court for the judge to determine if that person has been denied liberty without due process of law

Peremptory Challenge – The rejection of a prospective juror by the attorneys in a case, without having to give a reason. State law defines the number of peremptory challenges available.

Pro Se – A Latin phrase meaning for “yourself”–representing yourself in any kind of case

Subpoena Duces Tecum – A legal paper requiring someone to produce documents or records for a trial

Voir Dire – “To speak the truth.” The process of questioning prospective jurors or witnesses about their qualifications

Prima Facie – Latin, On the first appearance.] A fact presumed to be true unless it is disproved

Hope everyone finds these terms helpful during the penalty phase retrial. I know that Stabby has it firmly in her mind that she is getting a new trial for some reason but please remember this is penalty phase only. She is a convicted murderess. I don’t know why she doesn’t get that and we will be discussing it in further detail over the next couple of weeks. I am putting some stuff together and will be back with you soon.


I Don’t Want the Brown Haired Thing Back Yet, You Keep it for Awhile

May 9, 2013

Working as a roadie for the Charlie Danial’s Band-Arizona

Everyone was obviously in an absolute state of stunned disbelief when the courtroom floor did not immediately open up and Stabby the Brown Haired thing and her two Minions of Evil were not sucked back down from whence they came.  Being the inquisitive little thing that I am, I immediately had my in house psychic reach Satan and we Skyped for a while.  When I asked him what the hell, his answer was directly to the point.  “Kelly” he started in that Baratone voice of his ” I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but uh, Bitch be crazy, you can keep her for now.”  “Oh and by the way that tour guide job still stands whenever you get down here.” I thanked him for the info and job offer, told him he needed to polish his horns and turned Skype off.

Jenny From the Cell Block actually braced herself for a moment as if preparing for the inevitable.  She looked absolutely gobsmacked that not even one single person on the Jury believed the totally unbelievable lie she had cooked up for her little Stabby Friend.  When the courtroom floor didn’t happen, her look of Yay I’m going home turned into an ever bigger FUCK MY LIFE then the one she had on her face last week.

Alfred E. Nurmi was on one of his 9 out of 10 days that he doesn’t like Stabby, because the man just did not have a fuck to give.  My in house Psychic says something along the lines of “whatever dude, can we all just get the fuck out of here now, my high is wearing off and I am in desperate need of a cheeseburger, was going on in his head.  Once again, thank you in house Psychic.

I have to admit my friends, I did immediately go to the Stabby Twitter feed and post the following.  “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Really stabby, you thought someone would believe that?  She blocked me.  HOW RUDE!! As a side note, if you are on twitter, repost this, I don’t want her little friend to be able to go anywhere on twitter and not see this.

Oh good I see Charlie Daniels and the Boys have shown up a quick run through of “Devil Went Down to Arizona”  Yeah he re-wrote it just for the occasion.  Everyone thank Charlie.  Be right back I have to move some sub woofers.

Holy, those things are huge.  Anyway, the vet and his ever-present tranquilizer gun just showed up.    There’s Esteban Flores with a whole bag full of good boy treats.  A large van just rolled up and Juan was led out on a catch pole, muzzled and with two separate collars on him.

Looks like we just have to wait for Stabby and the Funky Bunch to show up and we are good to go for today.

Ok, I’m off to make popcorn and take a Xanax. It a preemptive strike in case Jenny From the Cell Block or Alfred E. Nurmi have to actually speak today.

 

 

 

 

 

 


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