The Magical Thinking of Stabby Einstein. An Auntie Really Big Mean Dog Bedtime Story

September 7, 2014

Well, hello chirruns, pull up a chair and let Auntie really big mean dog tell you all a story about the Magical thinking of Stabby Einstein.

Once upon a time in the second circle of hell there lived a violent sociopath named Stabby Einstein. Now Stabby Einstein was what we like to call a special kind of fucked, both literally and figuratively. Ohhh look at me using big words. Sorry, I digress. Stabby Einstein was the smartest, prettiest, most talented person in her own head. She decided one day that with her powers of superior intellect and a hell of a good show she could pretty much get whatever it was that she wanted. Envisioning what she wanted she first came up with a dude old enough to be her Grand Da but hey she wanted a house and with her powers of magical thinking and some really good anal, poof a house magically appeared. She hadn’t quite figured out how to disappear Grand Da once the house appeared but hey she thought, maybe magical thinking and a really good show only works in forward.

With that firmly in mind she went forward. From one magical low paying job to another. Sometimes two at a time. How magical. Then she discovered pre-paid legal and she decided that with her Einstein like mind and her magical powers she should be rich in no time. Well, one cannot be rich if they don’t look the part, so she took her magical mortgage payment money and once again using her powers turned it into a pair of fake tits. My gosh Stabby girl she thought to herself, this magical thinking shit really works. I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe I can have it and it will be mine.

Stabby Einstein was invited to the ball at pre-paid legal but her evil Grand Da/ fuck buddy didn’t want her to go. Stabby was sad. She decided to go anyway. There she met her prince charming Travis. She was transfixed. I must have him she said with a wicked cackle and started magically thinking it so that it would happen. She turned her magical wonder holes into a relationship with Travis. Holy shit it worked again, and this time she had the extra added bonus of figuring out how to get rid of stuff she no longer wanted. Once Grand Da Brewer discovered that the magical holes he thought were his were being plugged up by someone else, he peaced the fuck out and good thing too because he might be buried with Jimmy Hoffa otherwise.

Stabby now having figured out most of the kinks (ha, I said kinks and it stays) in her magical thinking proceeded to lure Travis with promises of even more perverse sexual acts than previously promised. Bondage? Sure. Anal? Oh yes please. Insertions of various forms of candy in various holes? Absolutely. Blindfolds? Check. Farm animals? Not off the table. Because she knew even with her superior intellect she was never going to have Travis unless she magically put a spell on him via her magical fake tits and all of her orifices she decided it was pretty much anything goes.

Stabby’s magical thinking worked for a while. She was getting boned by a really hot dude on a regular basis and of course she was willing him to marry her. The problem was the magic wasn’t working this time. Stabby Einstein thought and thought. Ah ha she said one night (she was prone to having entire conversations with herself so this was actually not a big deal) it’s the religion thing. He actually seriously believes in his Mormon god, therefor I must magically become a Mormon and than surely he will marry me. She was very excited to tell Travis that she wanted to become a Mormon and she silently thought that magical underclothes could not hurt along with all the rest of her magic. She became Mormon and was magically transformed. Surely now her prince would marry her. It was however not to be. Travis had seen through the facade of Stabby Einstein and he wanted nothing to do with her. He realized he had only ever been interested in her because she had absolutely no qualms about doing ANYTHING in the bedroom and she was dumb enough to not realize that sex does not equal love. Price Travis wanted someone he could love and respect and Stabby Einstein was not that woman. He broke it off and Stabby was stunned. And mad. Don’t forget mad, it’s important later.

Travis felt so much lighter when he broke it off with her, but his dick had a mind of it’s own and it missed being stuffed into something on a regular basis. Sadly one night Travis decided that friends with benefits might not be a bad idea. It was. He realized it quickly and told Stabby Einstein that she had to go.

Stabby moved back to Yreka but she never ever ever stopped thinking about Prince Travis and the fact that even with her strongest magic she could not make this one thing so. It slowly began to eat at any semblance of sanity that was at this point resideing in her earthly body. Stabby started thinking that she had been done wrong by prince Travis and she slowly put her magical thinking into action one last time and hit upon a foolproof plan to get even with Prince Travis.

First, she magically made her Grand Da’s (her real one, not the one she was boning earlier in the story) .25 caliber handgun disappear. Next, Stabby Einstein planned a trip to see some dude. She then went to a rental car company and rented a car. She had it magically changed from red to white. She went to the Grand da she’d previously been boning and traded him a DVD player for a couple of gas cans. She was pleased with the way things were working out so far. Still, she needed a magical disguise. She turned her platinum hair magically brown and was on her way. She filled up the gas cans in California and just to be sure she had enough she stopped at Walmart and bought another can. She was now ready to enact her magical plan of revenge.

She drove to Travis’ house. Her cell phone magically stopped working so nobody could tell where she was until it magically turned back on later. She went to see Prince Travis one last time. Poor Prince Travis never saw what was coming. She was offering up free cooch and he was just a mortal man after all. They banged a couple of times and then she tricked him into the shower with talk of a photo shoot. As Prince Travis was in the shower two Ninja’s magically appeared and holy shit one of them had made Grand da Einsteins gun re-appear. The other Ninja had made a knife materialize. Who the fuck even knew that ninjas could do David Copperfield shit. Not this story teller.

Anyway, Stabby Einstein wasn’t mad at poor Prince Travis anymore, she did everything she could to save him but then the Ninjas got her. With a mighty burst of magical strength she bull dogged the female ninja and crawled over to Travis. Travis was only concerned for his true love Stabby Einstein and he told her to get out and get help because he couldn’t move and he wanted her to live. She was trying to escape when the Ninjas caught her. They argued about whether to kill Stabby or not and they decided to do it. Stabby started thinking magical thoughts like she had never thought before and her magic worked one last time and the gun refused to fire, so instead of using the knife or some other weapon, the ninja’s decided to let her go.

Stabby drove and drove and drove until she was in the desert. She had no recollection of how she got there or what had happened. She looked down and saw some blood on her hands and immediately wondered who she had murdered. She had no memory of Prince Travis, or the Ninja’s or anything. So badly was her memory damaged she called Prince Travis to see if he wanted to come visit her later in the year. She decided she might as well just carry on to her next hook up so she did. They got all touchy feely, they went out for dinner and then Stabby Einstein went back home to Yreka where she returned the rental car which had some weird Kool-Aid stain in it, but she magically thought again and the dude at the rent a car place cleaned it for her. What a nice man, maybe she’d thank you fuck him later.

After that she was magically arrested. The police who had absolutely no idea how magical thinking worked, refused to believe her about the Ninja’s and she rotted in jail till the day her trial started.


The Phone call that Rocked the World (not really but I couldn’t think of another title)

September 6, 2014

Crazy just asked for itself to be redefined-Arizona

Well kiddies, looks like Stabby Einstein really is the gift that keeps on giving. After serious and intense contract negotiations with my in house Psychic she is back (thank you jesus) and we all get to find out what stabby really meant during that totally not orchestrated or released on purpose phone recording.

First, a few interesting points. Three way calls are the big no no in Jail. BIG no no. And not the big no no that resides south of Stabby’s belt line. Also, Satan Skyped me earlier and he now wants a per diem every time his input is needed for something related to this trial. I think he’s trying to save up so he can peace the fuck out if Stabby actually gets the death penalty because apparently even the prince of darkness doesn’t want anything to do with that kind of crazy. He said something about Judas Iscariot and PolPot running the show in his absence so no worries, hell will still be looked after. Oh and apparently Caligula will be performing once a week. There are still seats up front just in case you are interested.

Anyway, here is a copy of what the phone call said, and then we are going to have our lovely, talented and totally appreciated in house psychic tell us what the conversation was really about. Did I thank Jesus yet for my in house psychic. God forbid I have to do these things myself. Also, I had to go to the first circle of hell which is the “stabby Arias is innocent” Bwhahahahaha, sorry I can never type that without laughing, website to get this, so….you’re welcome.

Jodi Lisa
Lisa Yes – hey Jodi
Jodi I thought you were at work. Hey, um—
Lisa Well, I’m at lunch right now
Jodi Oh, okay. Who was it that told me? Oh, Maria [Del La Rosa], she said that, um, someone had told her that you had said online last night that I was supportive of the site and I don’t want to give people that impression because I can’t support the site right now as long as you guys are collecting money. Because it should be—
Lisa No we didn’t—
Jodi Huh?
Lisa No, we didn’t say you supported it. We said that you weren’t – not – you didn’t tell us to take it down which is what everyone else is saying.
Jodi Oh. Well, I don’t mind the site being there. But what I do mind is like that Jason is collecting money and that this corporation thing and that he’s promoting it as if something that I want – because I really don’t. I want the collection of money to stay within my family. And I think that if he really did support me he would just use all that traffic and energy and momentum that he’s building and just direct it toward the Appellate Fund, which is where it should be going to begin with. And remember when you and I were like first getting together with these ideas, it was more about how we can promote the Appellate Fund. But it seems like now it’s gone in a different direction. But, I just, that’s the only —
Lisa So if we collect money, are you saying that you don’t want it?
Jodi Yaah. No-no-no — I’m not saying that. I’m saying that I don’t want other people outside of my family to be accepting money on my behalf. Because it takes away from the fundraising that my family is trying to do for me,for one, and for two, with the Corporation, we don’t really know where that money is ultimately going to go, because it can go wherever the board members want it to go. And, as I told Jason, for example, if you guys vote to have an ice cream party with it, then you can. And he said that’s right. But with the Appellate Fund, it’s in the trust fund and irrevocable trust so you can’t have it go anywhere else. [unintelligible] trust it
Lisa Well, well — we’re not going to do that though.
Jodi Well, I know. But the point is that if you wanted to you could. If you want to reward your hard work with like a trip to Vegas you know, or something. If you [unintelligible] wanna or something—
Lisa No. I mean, but we’re not gonna do that though. And that’s why we have a board because, so, for that oversight.
Jodi Well, I know that’s true but I was just thinking if someone were on that for example and they everyone wants to vote to like going to cruise, for example. And then one persons like, “Hey that’s not right. This money is for Jodi’s appeals. And that’s not right.” And then people are mad and then people just have to vote that person off the board and then they can do what they want with money. That’s how it works. I’m not saying that’s going to happen but the problem that when people donate to a cause they believe in then, they wanna know where the moneys gonna go. But at this point they don’t know where it’s gonna go unless they donate to the trust. It can only go to there — to [unintelligle]
Lisa No but we have to [unintelligible] we, but we have to report our financials and where it’s going. So—
Jodi Yah.
Lisa Then I must be—
Jodi I haven’t [unintelligible] your bylaws but they’re, you know. I dunno — I just, I don’t feel, I don’t feel right with it. I don’t feel comfortable with it. I know you guys have worked really hard on it and I’m sorry it’s gotten this far, but—
Lisa So you don’t even want to look at the bylaws or — ?
Jodi Well, I don’t — really haven’t seen the bylaws. I, I honestly, I don’t want to be involved with it. Because I just feel it takes away from the efforts that my other friends and family have been trying to get the fund going to try to get me an attorney. Um, you know, I just—I feel like it’s taken away from that and that’s the problem. The other thing I’m uncomfortable with is that Jason has just done this without my consent. [unintelligible] “Hey you guys, Jodi’s not quite comfortable with this yet, but we’re trying to explain [unintelligible] to understand what’s going on and we’re doing [unintelligible]. [unintelligible] on there an lies. “Jodi supports us 100%.” And I haven’t. I’ve never said that. So the fact that he just lies about that makes me not trust him, you know? It’s like if you’re going to lie about that what else are you doing, you know? And then he registered the site in my name and I never said to register my name. And he puts Perryville’s physical address on there? That, that’s just, that
could get me into some, I dunno, that could potentially cause problems for me. So I know he took that off, but still, you know, it’s just, I think it’s just the fact that—I really wanted to support Jason. He has a lot of talent and everything, but I can’t. He [unintelligible] slams Pandora, he slams Maria, he slams SJ, he slams Ben, he slams Maria De La Rosa. I’m like, what?
Lisa No, but they all slammed us first though!
Jodi I know, but, I never said [unintelligible]—
Lisa They called us thieves and liars and stealing before [unintelligible]
Jodi [unintelligible] Well I dunno so much about what happened between him and Pandora and Maria and everything but he, he straight up just said a whole bunch of like, he dragged out records on people and humiliated them and I just, I dunno, it’s just. And then my art, like he—he doesn’t care about me. He slammed my art because he doesn’t like SJ. Like he still, like he so blinded by his dislike for SJ that he will throw my art under the bus just to get to SJ. He doesn’t care if it affects me. And he doesn’t care if affects my family and you know, their ability to travel to my trial. So, I dunno know, it’s just. I don’t — Everything says don’t trust Jason. Like, why was he so intent about having control over the money when my aunt started to — he, he coerced my aunt into giving her the password to the Paypal, giving him the password to my Paypal, which is weird, like, no one else needed that just to put it on the web site. You just need the code. But he wanted to be, he wanted more than that. Like every time he’s asking for more and more and more. And now he’s—
Lisa No. Well, that’s what I’m talkin’ about. I’m— Yer just getting all the wrong information. He wanted the password because he [unintelligible] to put, like a banner in there so it would look professional and—
Jodi I know, well—
Lisa I mean, everybody’s just twistin’ everything up.
Jodi Well, the problem though is that I told him, I told him this directly on the phone, the problem with you having that email is that now you get the email notifications and you’re not supposed to be getting them. And
[unintelligible]
Lisa Why though.
Jodi [unintelligible]
Lisa I know, but we fixed all that. We complied with everything you guys wanted. And then you still took it away.
So, I mean, we got everything straight before you took the domain away. — — — Are you still there?

Take it away if you please, oh beloved and much revered in house psychic.
Really, this is the first thing you make me do. You know I hate you right? Sigh. Fine, pass the Gravol and the Tylenol and lets get this shit show started.

Lisa, you fucking peon why do I even have to have this conversations with you right now? If you were working like you should be, I would not have to be doing this and could be thinking about new ways to stall the trial…..like leaking a three way phone conversation. Carry on. God you are stupid.

Anyway, I can’t let anybody think that I totally support a site that I totally support because it’s all about me,me,me because you guys are collecting money that might somehow end up in the Alexander’s hands due to that whole wrongful death thing. Assholes. I can’t believe you can even sue for that. That is why my Mormon god created irrevocable trusts. All money collections need to stay within my family because the tighter that particular box stays closed the less likely people are to figure out that the state has to pay for my appeals and shit. Appellate fund. I cannot believe they even went for that. Plus, I know you guys are making money off of me and I just will NOT have that. That money is mine. I murdered for it fair and square and I get to keep it. Fuck Son of Sam and fuck Juan Martinez. It’s mine.

For when I ultimately get released which is totally going to happen. I know they think this is just a penalty phase retrial, but I plan on retrying my entire case. I don’t care what Nurmi says, I can if I want too. Wait shit missed what this stupid bitch just said. Something about a banner? WTF? Anyway, you douches think you are going to make money off of my hard work and throw my art under a bus because it’s tracings of real art and you get my email notifications which is really a bad idea because of all the naked pics I have floating around out there. I don’t want you idiots to figure out who I really am. Like that would ever happen. I could cut off someone’s head in front of 20 of you and nobody would believe I did it, I am just that good. If it wasn’t for that goddamn Juan Martinez and his “evidence” I’d be out of here already. Jenny is still my friend, she’ll help me totally kick Juan’s ass this time. I hate that little bastard. How dare these people try and steal my murder money. Do they think I’m stupid. I’m Stabby Einstein bitch.

Whatever, I don’t need to talk to this moron anymore, like she understands anything that comes forth from my brilliant mind anyway. Bitch. Probably ugly too. I’m just gonna hang up and go admire myself in my stainless steel toilet or something. I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and……..I’m out. I still don’t think you pay me enough for this shit, but we both know I’ll be back. This is the in house Psychic going to try and drill a small hole in my head and bleach my brain. Back to you oh task master.

So there you have it kids. This is what Stabby was actually thinking while she was talking.


The Stabby Arias Book Club Selections

September 3, 2014

Pretty bored waiting for the new farce of a PENALTY PHASE RETRIAL- Arizona

Hi kiddies, it’s your favorite neighborhood Stabby hater, here for another installation of things I can write about while I wait until hell freezes over for the PENALTY PHASE RETRIAL to begin.
I got to thinking about our altruistic little Stabbykins and how she wants to help all those poor illiterate single language speaking singlehandedly ruining the planet with all of their un-recycled trash inmates. What a noble creature Stabby is. The whole book club thing is a stroke of genius. Not as genius as my idea for the Jeffrey Dahmer School of Culinary arts, but it’s right up there.

I think about things all the time. Deep, deep things. You know, like Einstein. I have come up with a selection of Books for the Stabby Arias Hail Mary If This Doesn’t Work I’m Screwed Book Club. Wholesome reads for all of the exemplary human beings that are totally being framed right now as we speak and they didn’t do it.

1. American Psycho. Believe it or not, this is NOT about Stabby. I myself was shocked.
2. How to infringe copyright for fun and profit
3. Setting up an irrevocable trust under questionable circumstances.
4. Screw Son of Sam.
5. Snow White and the seven abusive little pricks who all mysteriously died in their sleep.
6. The court pencil and Nurmi’s Chair have a very bad day.
7. How to successfully pretend to be a superior court judge
8. Pitbulls for dummies
9. Hair dye – It can make a difference
10.How to use twitter to your advantage
11.HLN can suck it
12.How I became a Ninja-not based on true events
13.Migraines-not just for work sick days anymore
14.How to successfully harass anyone.

I am sure there are many that I have yet to come up with, but that should give the Stabby Arias Hail Mary If This Doesn’t Work I’m Screwed Book club some reading material to start off with.

Stabby, feel free to contact me anytime for more suggestions cuz I know that your good buddy Donovan is an avid reader. Hi Donavan. When exactly am I getting sued by the way? Any firm date yet or is it still just take it down or blah blah blah.


The Only Rational Explanation is that Stabby is Satan

September 1, 2014

No she isn’t but the bitch scares me -Satan

Well kids, I bring you another installment from the second circle of hell that is Arizona. There have been developments. There have been motions for sanctions because our favorite pitbull has not been darted recently. And caught in the middle of this whole goddamn shitshow is a family who has absolutely nothing to do with any of this.

Stabby got permission to re-visit the crime scene which of course is no longer a crime scene because the house has been sold and totally remodeled. So, what the fuck is there to see, find, smell, whatever. The only purpose for this is to kill some more time (bad choice of words but it stays) and to maybe fuck with the family that dared to buy the home that she thought would someday be hers a little bit. That Judge Stephens allowed this just does things to my brain that make me want to try and cleanse it with drano.

Stabby also has a private investigator that the state has to pay for by the way, to try and find people that will corroborate her assertions of domestic violence. More about that in a minute. Maybe the P/I will find the ninja’s, grandpa’s missing gun, and the rope that never existed while he’s at it. Or maybe he will go down to home depot and just buy some. Now, to the domestic violence issues and the fucktards that will believe anything. As most of you know, I am a victim of domestic violence. I am quite literally covered in scars. I have had more broken bones than I care to list off. I have had a fractured skull and had a shotgun loaded with a sabot shoved in my face. I am a defacto domestic violence expert and Stabby was about as much a domestic violence victim as my cat kitty friend. She will however find someone, somewhere that is willing to lie and say they saw her covered in bruises or some other such bullshit; so pay attention or mighty Pitbull because you will want to know every single thing about where this witness came from and why after 6 years of extensive and exhaustive investigations that not one shred of domestic violence was ever found.

I feel so bad for the family that bought Travis’ house. They just want it to be their home, not the place where a terrible crime took place and I don’t blame them. I feel so bad for the Alexander family because they are going to have to listen to all the lies about their brother all over again. I feel bad for the state of Arizona because this should have been over with a long time ago.


The Clusterfuck to end all Clusterfucks

August 28, 2014

This is getting too weird even for me -Arizona.

So looks like Stabby is going Pro-Se unless Judge Stephens will get rid of that mean old “I don’t like Jodi 9 days out of 10” hater Nurmi. If the judge will just bend to Stabby’s superior intellect, then Jenny From the cell block can represent her and everybody will be happy. ESPECIALLY Nurmi who would love nothing more than to peace the fuck out.

Since it seems that good old ninja loving stabby needs to be interviewed by someone and some kind of report needs to be filed from said interview I’m going to go out on a limb and call an insanity defense as a mitigating factor which would in effect if believed not allow her to be sentenced to death. I’m sure I read somewhere that you cannot visit the death penalty on the legally insane.

Today, to the shock of no one anywhere ever I found out that good old Stabby, true to form wants the judge to lift the ban on having no live coverage during the penalty phase retrial. I cannot say penalty phase retrial enough because I swear Stabby and the funky bunch seem to think they are getting a do over and she is not really a convicted first degree murderess with aggravating factors. speaking of aggravating factors I am going to need to stock up on valium, Gravol and Tylenol before this shit show starts once again.

She was also granted a motion to go into Travis’ old house. Well, not her personally but for her “investigator” to do it. To what end I have no clue, maybe to burn it down and blame it on the ninjas, who the hell knows with this nutbag.

Jury selection has been pushed back to September 29th because the mean old people at the mean old jail wouldn’t let her “witness” sign in the way she wanted them to be able to sign in and it caused a delay.

Here are my predictions. First, like I said she is going for insanity which is not that far of a stretch for her acting ability. Second, Nurmi is apt to have an “accident” while Stabby was feeling threatened by him because he was talking all mean and stuff to her. Third, Judge Stephens will go back on everything that she has supposedly already set in stone and the penalty phase retrial won’t start until 2045 and fourth, a full camera crew, makeup department and stunt double will be provided for her highness stabby.

I will keep you as updated as I can, but since just about everything is sealed right at the moment I can only get so much information.


The Stabby Penalty Retrial – Definitions of words that will be thrown around

August 23, 2014

Here we go again – Arizona

Well hello my friends. Been a while hasn’t it? Since it has been so long since Stabby was convicted of first degree pre-meditated murder with mitigating factors. Since eventually there is going to be a penalty phase retrial, I thought there were some things that we should discuss.

First, I wanted to cover some things that some of you may not know. I have seen a bunch of things thrown around the internet about what the terms ex-parte, prima fascie etc mean and so far, they have all been wrong. In the interest of everyone being on the same page I thought it might be prudent to define these things so that everyone knows what they mean. I am sure there are lots that do, but cruise any internet site that talks about this trial and you will discover there are oh so many that think they do, WILL TELL YOU IN ALL CAPS that they do, but they don’t. Because I don’t want a bazillion people saying “that’s not what it means Kelly, first yes, it does, and secondly all definitions are from the legal dictionary instead of my own words.

ex-parte – An ex parte judicial proceeding is conducted for the benefit of only one party. Ex parte may also describe contact with a person represented by an attorney, outside the presence of the attorney. The term ex parte is used in a case name to signify that the suit was brought by the person whose name follows the term.

In Limine – Latin for “at the threshold,” referring to a motion before a trial begins. A motion to suppress illegally-obtained evidence is such a motion

Amicus Curiae – Latin for “friend of the court.” A lawyer who assists the court during the course of a hearing, to represent a position or interest, usually at the court’s request

Habeas Corpus – A court order used to bring a person physically before a court in order to test the legality of the person’s detention. Usually, it is directed to the official or person detaining another, commanding him to bring the person to court for the judge to determine if that person has been denied liberty without due process of law

Peremptory Challenge – The rejection of a prospective juror by the attorneys in a case, without having to give a reason. State law defines the number of peremptory challenges available.

Pro Se – A Latin phrase meaning for “yourself”–representing yourself in any kind of case

Subpoena Duces Tecum – A legal paper requiring someone to produce documents or records for a trial

Voir Dire – “To speak the truth.” The process of questioning prospective jurors or witnesses about their qualifications

Prima Facie – Latin, On the first appearance.] A fact presumed to be true unless it is disproved

Hope everyone finds these terms helpful during the penalty phase retrial. I know that Stabby has it firmly in her mind that she is getting a new trial for some reason but please remember this is penalty phase only. She is a convicted murderess. I don’t know why she doesn’t get that and we will be discussing it in further detail over the next couple of weeks. I am putting some stuff together and will be back with you soon.


Stabby Arias: The Aggravation Stage….Well, it worked. We are ALL aggravated

May 15, 2013

Is it dead yet? Arizona

The aggravation phase is brought to you by Calvin Klein, because they want Kevin Horne in their next ad.   We have new sponsors today.  Walt’s World of Industrial Furniture took one look at Alfred E. Nurmi and immediately begged for a spot.  I said “sure, what the hell, I’m friend’s with Alfred E.s current chair and it seems very ummmmmm, stressed and put upon. Maybe you can help.”   Fakors Eyeglass rims:  “Because who cares if you can see right as long as you look good doing it”  Also please welcome Industrial Lubricants of America for obvious reasons and as always,  Gravol.  Now available in regular strength, extra strength, and OMFG IT’S STABBY BAD, strength.

Juan has been wrangled into the courtroom by our main dog handler and Detective Extraordinaire Esteban Flores, The vet has shot the dart, aaaaaand we’re off.  It looked for a moment like the drugs they use on “the pit bull” were working well until the second mayweapproach-“a word used as a stall tactic.”  By the third a snarl could be seen forming on his now foaming muzzle,   and by the fourth, he stopped speaking and curled his little paw in the air in pure rabid pit bull rage.  Detective Flores quickly threw him a good boy treat which he snapped out of the air before he made his way up to the sidebar for a drink of water.  Opening finally finished, he wagged his tail at the jury and went to heel when called by Detective Flores.

Alfred E. Nurmi hauled his butt out of his chair much to the poor things relief and began his opening.  Juan started to bark almost immediately.  Stabby paid absolutely no attention what so ever because she is butt hurt that Alfred E. only likes her one day out of 10.  Today was NOT one of those days.  Alfred E. did as much for the State as Juan did.

I’m not even sure why Jenny From the Cell Block is even there, is she looked any less interested, she’d be asleep.

Dr Horne took the stand, Alfred E. Nurmi finished his cheeseburger, took a hit off of Jenny From the Cell Blocks bong and said “mayweapproach.”  Judge Stephens rolled her eyes and declared a 10 minute recess.  Even Jenny looked at him with a “dude, really?” look that made me pee a little.  The Charlie Daniels band did not disappoint with the newly written “Devil Went Down to Arizona.” The Judge gave the hand signal and Juan was successfully darted a second time, just for safety’s sake.

While we wait, I’ll have the in-house Psychic get a read on Stabby.   ” Um, it was only 62 seconds.  Gosh!  Dramatic much you fabricating, evidence hiding, shady practicing little fucker, how bad could it have been?”

Ugg, everyone thank the in-house Psychic and THANK YOU GRAVOL.

Juan ‘the pit bull” Martinez began his examination and Stabby began to pretend to begin to cry.  She completely stopped for a moment to write a note to Jenny, then went back to it.  She is such a great actor that Stabby.  We have another sidebar so take it away in-house Psychic.  “OMG maybe the jury will totally buy this remorse shit.  That’s it Jodi Girl.  Keep it together.  Close your eyes, pretend to cry, wipe eyes, hold your breath, lick your lips and look sad.  Now peek over aaaaand.  SHITFUCKDAMN. What the hell.  This ALWAYS works.  Somebody get Mr. Evidence Fabricator to take down that picture of the throat I cut from ear to ear.  Prejudicial much.  Cripes, I should have defended myself.  Shit.”

We’re back.  Juan asked if Travis was still alive before his throat was cut and Dr. Horne answered with a resounding YES.  Juan barked that he had no other questions and trotted back to the prosecution table for a good boy treat and a scratch behind the ears.

Jenny From the Cell Block’s stone was mellow, and she’s got the hots for Dr. Horne so she took the cross.  Alfred E. Nurmi lifted his head from his Hoagie long enough to grunt thanks.  His chair was heard begging for mercy for a muffled second.   She tried to get Dr. Horne to say that adrenaline would have kept Travis from feeling pain.  He wouldn’t say it.   Juan finally succumbed to his rabies as he rose for recross.  Foam sprayed across the room as he barked was Travis alive when he was being stabbed. Yes. Was he alive when he was stabbed in the heart. Yes. Was he alive when His throat was cut from ear to ear. Yes.  Could he see while he was alive?  Yes. Could he hear?.. and with that we have a sidebar.  I’d put the in-house Psychic back on but she said something about more money for this shit and went outside.

While we waited, the vet went out and got the elephant gun.  Judge Stephens gave permission for the dart to be deployed and Juan was suddenly knocked slightly backwards.  It didn’t take long to see that these drugs had not yet taken effect.   With a snarled I have no further questions, Juan spun towards his bench, but then stopped and marked his territory all over Alfred E. Nurmi.  He then went to Detective Flores and sat like a good boy.  We had two Jury questions and the Juan was back up.  Oh good, the drugs are working.

Juan finished his re-direct of Dr. Horne without incident and rested.  To the surprise of absolutely NO ONE,  Alfred E. Nurmi also rested the defense.  Juan immediately got up and started his close.  Alfred E. came up for air from his ice cream sundae long enough to mutter improper argument so many times the Judge called them to approach.   I just caught she who will apparently not be named (at least by Juan) smirking.  Nurmi’s chair muttered a quick “thank you Jesus” and was silent.

I was very afraid for Stabby’s Pencil for a moment.  Stabby clutched it like she wanted to plunge it directly into the heart of the mighty  pit bull, but Jenny From the Cell Block distracted her with the promise of crayons.  Stabby’s  hand relaxed, releasing the poor thing from the death grip it had been in.   A very quiet, “trade ya chair?” was heard coming from the pencil.

The in-house Psychic and I have settled our labor dispute, so once she takes some more Gravol she will be back.

Juan is once again showing us who the big dog is by this beautifully choreographed close.  I actually giggled when he said “it hurts, it stings” in a brilliantly high falsetto.  It was one of the most beautifully ingenious things I have ever seen.  He has shown aggravated murder and his total contempt for Stabby.  Everyone please turn, face Arizona and bow to Mr. Martinez.  K thanks.

Alfred E. Nurmi raised his head from his Nacho platter, wiped his chin and stood for his close.  His chair muttered “For the love of god man, MAKE. IT. STOP.” and fell silent.

Alfred E. Nurmi looked absolutely serious for a moment.  He then realized his roach clip wasn’t really lost and was just stuck in one of his chins.  With a huge sigh of relief he returned to his regular, “Meh, whatever, when’s lunch?” look and began his totally stolen from a Law and Order Episode close.  Apparently someone has been taking notes on how to successfully steal copyright.  Good Job Nurmi.  I know who I am hiring if they ever find the….I mean if I ever kill anyone.  ANYBODY that ain’t him.   The pencil, the chair, hell my in-house Psychic.  Anybody but him.

Juan stood for rebuttal, launched and had Alfred E. by the throat  in somewhere under 62 seconds.  Detective Flores got Juan down with a catch pole, a box of good boy treats and a picture of Stabby stapled to an attack dummy.   A somewhat shaken Nurmi wiped off the hotdog he had dropped during the fracas and munched with a frightened look on his face.  He managed to mutter improper argument a couple of times.  The pit bull rested, and with that, Judge Stephens charged the Jury.  The Charlie Daniels Band played them out with an orchestral version of “Devil went down to Arizona.”

We are officially on Aggravation Watch.  If we get a verdict tonight, I will be back.

EDIT

EXTREME CRUELTY HAS BEEN PROVEN.  CONGRATULATIONS TO MR. MARTINEZ, DETECTIVE FLORES, AND ESPECIALLY THE ALEXANDER FAMILY!!


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